Man, sometimes I wish I could press the pauze button on my life and it's mostly during summer when I feel that way.
My best friend Ray is currently courting my ex-girlfriend and he's beating me to death with it going "Are you okay with it? Are you REALLY okay?" I told him a milion times that I don't give a damn but he won't shut up, it gets on my nerves. Just seeing her reminds me of that painful break up and I told him about it but still he rambles on and on and on about her, how he's going to make her his wife, STOP IT ALREADY
A couple of weeks ago somebody drank too much and pissed in my car, I can't get him to pay for the cleaning he just keeps coming up with excuses. That occurrence also lead to something even more difficult for me to deal with which I'll discuss later
During the recording of my band's debut album my younger brother who's also our bassplayer was deemed incapable to perform adequadly by our producer and he's been bitching about it since. Truth is, I knew that all along but I get in horrific verbal fights with him if I speak my mind, I just have to shut up and swallow it.
The last couple of weeks have seen temperatures above 100 degrees and I simply cannot function with such temps, my boss has increased the workload to get things done before he has his holyday in Spain. I'm working my fingers to the bone, it being a distraction from the problems I have at home and in my band but it's also torture because of the temps, it's difficult to do your job properly if you drip with sweat. My appartment is situated in an attic so you guys can take it that "warm summer nights" are a nightly occurance and I wish they would just leave already.
A few weeks ago I posted a message on several forums (Including this one) on having to drive a car without a passenger seat thanks to a now former friend of mine who pissed himself while being drunk out of his skull. I also posted that message on the JCF Forum and I'm now so regretting doing so because it turned into a "Let's-all-pick-on-Blazer" thread.
It began with a deliberate derailing action from a Forum member who thinks it's funny to derail other's threads with nonsense and profanity. I posted that I completely erased Ade from my circle of friends and he said "Aww, dropping your gay boyfriend?" to which others began to reply "I wonder what was up with him anyway, posting topics about cartoons and buying cheap guitars."
Then it got worse, somebody found my Erotic comics and linked them to that forum and accused me of drawing pedo comics. Ironically, the comics they linked were "Party at Lindy's" in which the lead character states on one of the first pages that she's 18 and "Growing pains" where the leadcharacter of that story states to be 21 years old at the very first page, if that's pedo then I wonder what the age of consent is in their minds. Even more Ironic, they posted a link to my "Me and her" comic which has NO SEXUAL CONTENT WHATSOEVER. But according to them the fact that I depicted those girls being so young already labeled me a "child molester" and that I should be in jail. One of them even said that it was only a matter of time before I'd be behind bars. I told them that comics with far worse sexual depictions are legally for sale at comic book stores, so why would I be jailed if my comics aren't even syndicated? Heck on Hartists, the site where I post all my work there are others who post far worse sexual depictions. I have my boundaries: No underage sex, no S&M, no tentacles or other sick stuff but to no avail.
Because then they posted my stories on fanfiction.net to cement their case against me, who else but a sick minded virgin would write such stories?
And then came the case about me lying of being a professional luthier, I posted a link to my Boss' company site on which I'm featured and posted some of my guitars but by then it was already too late.
In the time that I was a member of the JCF Forum I had a lot of pleasant encounters with other guitarists, I made threads about me building my guitars and people enjoyed seeing them but just how many friends I got there became clear during the bashing thread, NOBODY had my back. I was the wierdo who posted gay threads and who bitched when the derailer would derail them.
I told them that they were pathetic: on other forums where I posted threads about aircraft and cartoons there were always people who shared the interrest and most of the times it lead to very pleasant discussions. To me, the JCF forum has revealed itself to be a shower room of football players, comparing the lengths of their dicks and just bashing everybody into the ground who didn't get a Caddilac Escalade from their parents at Christmas. One guy said that I wasn't the first "character" that got bullied away in that fashion and that he even got in trouble with the other forum members because of trying to be friendly with that guy. The mob ruled and he eagerly bent over and joined in chasing the guy away.
I have been coping with threat mails and hate mails since then, I should be locked up in jail because of my comics, I am gay because I can't afford to buy myself a 1200 bucks guitar. (Ignoring the fact that I DO own a Gibson explorer, a guitar they actually congratulated me on getting when I got it)
I am not the kind of guy who gives up without a fight: I corrected them on the ages of the girls depicted in my comics, I reminded them of the fact that I DO own guitars that were in the "acceptable" price range, I reminded them that I always remained cyvil on their forum, I never posted links to my hentai works because I know the forum rules. (I wonder if the guy who DID post the links got in trouble with the moderators yet, although since the moderators were also bashing me, I doubt it) I posted pictures of me at work with Knooren handcrafted to show that my occupation was NOT a lie. I Told them about my girlfriends to show that I'm not gay but it only made things worse and worse. I finally lost my temper with them and called them out as the pack of jocks they all are and while it apparently was okay for them to call me names God forbid if I said anything back.
My fear is that they'll start to "warn" other forums of which I'm a member of about me. Or even worse have the authorities on my ass.
They claim to be "Nice guys" and that I was the douchebag here. Sure they're "Nice guys" as long as you fit the demograph.
God I never thought I'd have to go through something like that again after leaving high school 15 years ago.
The only point of relief here is that I'm safe in the knowledge that they are wrong about me. They don't have a clue who Wouter Jaegers really is but they sure tired me out.
And today it only got worse.
Today was the day that the basic rythm tracks for our upcoming album would be recorded. But Josh, our drummer just couldn't nail playing along with the click track. The producer went "Let me call up a session drummer", you guys can guess the rest.
Then me, Jack T. (our second guitarplayer) and Pascal Beastings (Our singer) were told that in order to really do our complex music justice we should fire our rythm section and take in two guys more musically skilled to take their place. Peter our Bass player is my younger brother, Josh is a very good friend and one of Beastings' best friends.
Wednesday will be the day that decisions will have to be made, do we continue the band with people we know and love or do we chose the musical path and get in two new guys and basically have to re-start the band from scratch?
Just now Beastings called me in tears, fearing that this would be the end of our band. I told him that it wasn't over yet, the disasters that he fears are heading our way can be avoided, he needs to have his head on straight if he wants to see through this crisis and end up on top. But truth to be told I probably was his worst choice to talk to about this. Trouble was I also was the only one he could talk to about this, Jack T. never answered his phone and calling Peter or Josh about this was out of the question. During our conversation I kept calm but inside I'm just as torn up as he is. All that trouble and even more added to that.
WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO STOP IT?
The meeting will be held at my place and I'm NOT looking forwards to this at all. Somebody please take my place because I really hate my life as it is right now.
Last week I told my boss about me wanting to get away, just for a couple of days, away from everybody and everything because it's all driving me nuts and the worst part is that I can't say anything because it'll only get me into more trouble, my side of the story is irrelavent and it's driving my crazy. I just have to suck it up and bear it, I get a permanent "Shut the %$#@ up!" on me. He said that he understood, he encouraged me to leave on a vacation in the same weeks he and his family will leave. I'm planning to go over the channel, travel to Great Britain, stay a night in London, visit the Imperial war museum, check out Wales, travel with the steam train and leave my phone and internet at home, pack as light as possible and just be gone. My boss told me that it was a terrific plan he told me: "There's only so much a person can bear until he breaks, you already went beyond breaking point." He is thankful though that my prestations on the job haven't suffered from all of this.
I feel more and more like Jake Morgendorffer in that Daria episode "The teachings of Don Jake"
"I'm not a machine dammit, I'm a man."
