Im a very disapointed Daddy

tinman 1967 · #1 01-28-2012, 07:19 PM

Well, it has not been the greatest day for my wife and myself today. My 14 year old daughter was busted by her Dad. (Me)

Today I was on the computer downstairs and got a whiff of an oder that I have not smelled in years. I got up to investigate, and made my way up to my daughters bedroom,there she was, window open,(its 30 degrees outside) sitting on her bed.

I asked what the heck that smell was? She said she did not know....... I said: smells like pot to me! She swore up and down saying that she was not smoking. I made her breathe on me.... Sure enough I know weed when I smell it (after all..... I was on the US "toke team" for years.... But quit about 25 years ago.

I went down and told my wife, she was like, "What?"

I returned upstairs and my little girl fessed up...... She gave me her little stash, (about 1 reefers worth) and told me that a girl in our neighborhood sold it to her, for$20.00.

Im thinkin' wow! this stuffs gotten really expensive!

My wife and I put her in the car, and made our way to the girls house to give it to her parents. They were not home.

Tried later, still gone.

She asked me if I had ever done it. I shook my head no. (I know its not good to lie, but I just dont think giving her any ammo is a good thing right now)

Have any of you parents been through this? If so.... any comments or suggestions?

Im a bit sick to my stomache right now.....

mellowinman · #2 01-28-2012, 07:25 PM

First of all, you cannot afford to be judgmental. It happens. You did it, I did it, and we weren't bad people.

14 is an age where you still have some say. You need to evaluate if you have enough communication. You need to evaluate if there is enough discipline. And you have to decide upon a course of action!

It's not the end of the world, but you don't want it to continue. You are not going to be able to lie to her, and she is not going to be able to lie to you. I'm afraid you're going to have to step up your game. You have to be in control of this situation, and it's going to be a real challenge.

I wish you the best in this, and I don't envy you.

Please seek out as much advise and guidance as possible on how you can strengthen the relationship, and be able to assert yourself as a father.

And please do not judge her, or yourself.

You are human beings, and we all make mistakes in life.

Time Monkey · #3 01-28-2012, 07:25 PM

Not a parent, but I'd imagine this is far from a unique experience.

Explain all the badness to her, ground her for a week or two, and hopefully she knocks it off.

If she does it again, BAN HAMMER!

hover · #4 01-28-2012, 07:26 PM

Well, I wouldn't have lied.

No I have not been through this, but I have two kids, so......

Gotta be more open and honest than this, now is a critical time.

HunterBrodt · #5 01-28-2012, 07:29 PM

Be honest with her about the dangers. My parents never lied to me and told me it horrible for you and would ruin my life. They told me that it was not bad for you at all and they didn't care if I smoked. They did how ever care if I was responsible in the way I smoked.

If you tell her it's the devil than when she discovers it's actually not bad for your health she will probably think you also lied about how it can affect your motivation. I saw that happen to one of friends.

You also need to tell her you used to smoke. Just also mention that you were responsible and you quit for your family.

Also don't go and knock on the door of the girl who sold to her. That's just being stupid

MEKer · #6 01-28-2012, 07:30 PM

Right on---------keep trying until you can get to the parents of the girl who gave her the pot. I would make her give up the dealer SHE got it from---with a lil help from the cops if needed (which probably it would be).
14 yrs old---------who the ^%*K sells to kids? That's why I would take it all serious and track it down. Would it not be quite the thing to discover some 32 yr old ahole putting 14 yr olds on "the right path to success". And if its another youngster----he/she needs to be "corrected" right f'in now!

HunterBrodt · #7 01-28-2012, 07:34 PM

^dont get the police involved. Smoking Pot doesn't ruin your life... Getting caught by the police with it does.

DeathFromBelow · #8 01-28-2012, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HunterBrodt

^dont get the police involved. Smoking Pot doesn't ruin your life... Getting caught by the police with it does.

This is true.

Keep it "in the family".

Cabazon · #9 01-28-2012, 07:41 PM

You should also teach her some things about air pressure/flow. That was just asking to get caught.

Simo98 · #10 01-28-2012, 07:42 PM

I'd be proud of her.

And then tell her to hold off a couple more years.

Going to the parents of the girl who sold it too seems like a very bad idea to me. For several reasons, but first and foremost how is the girl who sold it to your daughter going to react to knowing your daughter was the one who dobbed her in?

MakiSupaStar · #11 01-28-2012, 07:42 PM

I would sit her down and have an honest chat with her. Since she's smoked it you cant lie to her about it's effects. Just tell her that while she might be attracted to its high, (she might argue back with its no big deal) what she can't feel are the negative effects it's having on her lungs (any kind of smoke is bad), and her brains development (afterall she is still growing). I would also admit to her that you lied, and explain that you speak from experience and only advise her out of love and as someone wanting only the best possible outcome for her. Personally, I would add that if she decides to use it when she's an adult, supporting herself, that is ultimately her decision. But if she decides to use it behind your back, then she has to assess something that causes her to lie and be deceitful to those that love her. Is the high worth losing the trust of your own parents?

If she brings up the fact that you lied to her you can try stretching the notion that this is further evidence that the use of pot is bad.

Or you could just lie again and admit that it was only responsibly and as an adult. Or you could just lie that you lied, but then that's going to cause you to loose credibility when talking about it.

Another idea is to be honest. Explain to her why you haven't done it in 25 years.

Good luck. I'll be taking notes on how it goes for my son.

tinman 1967 · #12 01-28-2012, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HunterBrodt

^dont get the police involved. Smoking Pot doesn't ruin your life... Getting caught by the police with it does.

NO DOUBT! I dont think I would go that far.. Im just in a state of disbelief right now.

Kind of like how my Mom was when I got caught 30 years ago.

Im just not sure this is the right time to let her know how I was.

Im prettymuch a hard ass father also, Im not saying Im mean or rotten or anything, I hug and kiss my children everyday,

They know they are loved because they are told so everyday.

Im tough because I just dont want to see them struggle through (like I did.. until I got my act together)

Kwesi · #13 01-28-2012, 07:48 PM

Get your daughter a vape and tell her not to get caught again

. I'd be more disaapointed in the fact that she smoked it rather than the fact that she partook in a drug. Definitely be honest with her. Lying to protect her could ned up back firing horribly and if you've ever been on a college campus you've seen it happen. Don't demonize things. Try to approach them with an even handed viewpoint and give her both sides of the story. Give her actual information and explain your reasoning in choosing not to do it. When she's old enough approach alcohol the same way. This is where, if you have a kid who isn't a complete idiot, you start treating them a little more like an adult. Teach her to use her brain, not to take orders.

P.S. - The price of the stuff is actually lower than it used to be once you factor in inflation.

jabsys · #14 01-28-2012, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simo98

Going to the parents of the girl who sold it too seems like a very bad idea to me. For several reasons, but first and foremost how is the girl who sold it to your daughter going to react to knowing your daughter was the one who dobbed her in?

+1 all that will happen is your daughter gets beaten up.

tinman 1967 · #15 01-28-2012, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cabazon

You should also teach her some things about air pressure/flow. That was just asking to get caught.

Thanks! First good laugh I had all day!

I know! I said to her... Geez! Did you think we werent going to smell it?

Simo98 · #16 01-28-2012, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinman 1967

They know they are loved because they are told so everyday.

Im tough because I just dont want to see them struggle through (like I did.. until I got my act together)

My opinion, but I think it is better to struggle with these sort of things when she is still at home, in a loving supporting environment, rather than have to learn about it while living away at college or something.

HunterBrodt · #17 01-28-2012, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kwesi

P.S. - The price of the stuff is actually lower than it used to be once you factor in inflation.

plus since she's 14 I'm sure she's getting ripped off.

Mike N · #18 01-28-2012, 08:00 PM

Tinman- I'm going through the same thing right now with my 14 year old daughter. She has emotional issues as well (anxiety, depression etc....). She claims the weed and cigs help her cope with everyday stress, and I'm not buying it. Too many potheads around passing this crap off to middle school students, and it's pissing myself and other parents off. We're seeking help form counselors and doctors, progress has been slow but I'm hoping we're finally on an upward swing.

If I had the answers I'd tell you, but she didn't come with an instruction manual.

**Staccato** · #19 01-28-2012, 08:13 PM

How to approach them about some of our own experiences?

My take...she may not be ready (or old enough) for the whole story. When you weigh putting that conversation off for awhile vs. denying your experience, the answer makes sense. Tell her a bit more about the 'mistakes' of your youth.

Why not let her know you were afraid to tell her the truth when she confronted you, earlier? This is an admission that you as a parent are vulnerable, caring, and understanding, too.

For now, why not tell her that you experimented in the past, and it's a mistake that you don't want her to make? Also, remind her it's unlawful, and that she's still a child, and will be as long as she's in high school.

We live in an age in the U.S., that parents can be held 100% responsible for a child's acts unless a court decides otherwise...

Pilgrim · #20 01-28-2012, 08:16 PM

I would tell my daughter (I have two) the truth. Yup, I've been there...but not in many years.

But it's not legal, and it's not worth the hassle. Wise thing is to lay off. At 14, she's also too young to be messing with consciousness-altering drugs, legalized or not. I'm not sure I would be disappointed, since I find it hard to be disappointed in my kids doing something I have done. But I'd certainly be concerned and want to change the behavior.

Fortunately for me, I didn't have this problem - but we did have one drinking scare in college with an emergency room call...that daughter made it through and learned from the experience that she never wanted to do it again.