Just discovered my 16 yr. old is smoking

Youngspanion · #1 03-02-2011, 06:08 PM

Smoking 'weed'. Of course for me It was fine and if I occasionally indulge, its still fine for me. But when I first learned about my kid, I got nervous and I also had a feeling of expectation.

How would you, if you would do any thing, handle it?

Lublin · #2 03-02-2011, 06:16 PM

If I was the kid I'd really appreciate if my parents talked to me about it rather than yelling/screaming/ranting. Explain all points thoroughly and let them know where you heart is at on the matter. Honesty is beautiful.

Now that I think about it, my parents would have accomplished a lot more if they just approached issues in a calmer manner.

Hope it works out the way you wish it to.

stevetx19 · #3 03-02-2011, 06:21 PM

talk to him.
Here is a good progression of questions for a rational conversation:
Ask about what happened...
Ask him what his expectations are by smoking weed. What does he want by doing it? What is he trying to fulfill by smoking? (not to set you up with the answer, but usually its to fit in/social pressure)
Did he get what he wanted by smoking weed?
Can he think of other ways to get what he wanted? (don't let him say "i don't know") If he doesn't answer, let him know that you are giving him time to think about it and will check in again....and then check in again.
If he does get around to thinking of other ways to meet his needs, request that he tries those alternate approaches. Let him know you will continue to check in with him about it, and then check in again.

the sooner he knows that you don't hold judgment for his actions but are seriously invested in behavioral change, the easy it will be for him to be honest with you, and therefore honest with himself.

edit: For clarification, you are trying to help him identify his needs and positive ways of getting those needs met. There is NO discipline system that will work if it is geared toward getting him to do what you want without him also getting his needs met. The first question, "what did you want by smoking weed?" is the most important and is really up to him to think and answer. Try not to lecture, or let him not answer. Let him know you are not ending the conversation until he is willing to participate and think through what he wanted.

edit: Lublin is expressing a very common sentiment that the above progression of questions is meant to help address.

irishpride28 · #4 03-02-2011, 06:22 PM

As a teenager myself who has gone through this exact same thing in the past, I completely agree with the person above. My parents were very aggressive and it just made me less receptive to what they had to say because anger seemed to be the first thing they wanted to get across. I would sit them down and be stern and assertive about what your views are, but make it a conversation and not an argument

fenderhutz · #5 03-02-2011, 06:24 PM

I agree with be calm, and then grounding and taking away some things for a while. But that's me. Gotta be consequences, it's still illegal and could affect the rest of his life.

Lublin · #6 03-02-2011, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetx19

edit: Lublin is expressing a very common sentiment that the above progression of questions meant to help address.

Exactly. And I speak from first hand experience. Tempers lead to dead ends.

Great post, sir.

Boot Soul · #7 03-02-2011, 06:27 PM

Sounds like a completely normal 16 year old. Think back to when most of us were that age. We did what we were going to do, regardless of what our parents wanted. Such is the normal (and IMHO, healthy) teenage mentality.

I would focus on the importance of discretion, with regard to legal consequences, as well as their reputation. As we have seen with Facebook, a lot of kids today want to expose a lot more than they should about themselves, and the consequences can be regrettable, especially in the future when they are older and wiser, and applying for college or jobs and wishing that pot bust or photo of them smoking a spliff wasn't part of their record.

stevetx19 · #8 03-02-2011, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fenderhutz

I agree with be calm, and then grounding and taking away some things for a while. But that's me. Gotta be consequences, it's still illegal and could affect the rest of his life.

There are plenty of "natural consequences" to his actions, highlighting those is a good way to get him thinking of alternatives. Adding "unnatural" consequences, like grounding, is a threat, and will inhibit communication between parties.

basstotheface · #9 03-02-2011, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boot Soul

Sounds like a completely normal 16 year old. Think back to when most of us were that age. We did what we were going to do, regardless of what our parents wanted. Such is the normal (and IMHO, healthy) teenage mentality.

I would focus on the importance of discretion, with regard to legal consequences, as well as their reputation. As we have seen with Facebook, a lot of kids today want to expose a lot more than they should about themselves, and the consequences can be regrettable, especially in the future when they are older and wiser, and applying for college or jobs and wishing that pot bust or photo of them smoking a spliff wasn't part of their record.

+1, to everything he said. Spot on.

MIJ-VI · #10 03-02-2011, 06:44 PM

OP, since you occasionally indulge then how about twisting up a skinny one for you & your son and having a heart-to-heart rap on where his head is at?

As mentioned above, a discussion on the need for discretion would be prudent.

stevetx19 · #11 03-02-2011, 06:51 PM

Well, i'll agree with the need for discretion, but i don't think it is an effective stance to have with a child. Smoking a joint with your son and talking to him about ways to be discreet will win you many bonus points with him and he will probably be more discreet about it. The problem is that he would still not have thought about what he wants out of it or of more positive way to meet whatever that need is. Also, as soon as he does something else that you find out of line and try to come down on him, he will retreat. "Aren't you my buddy?"
With this sort of approach, he will do what you say because he likes you, maybe even worships you. The key here is that he is doing this not out of his sense of right or wrong.
He might even try to take advantage of this approach, effectively blackmailing you iinto allowing him to do whatever he wants.

GeneralElectric · #12 03-02-2011, 06:58 PM

I'm from the same place as the the OP. I personally was a hardcore stoner up until recently (I'd smoke upwards of 2 ounces of high grade stuff every week) and I can tell you that on one hand you should be grateful that your kid is just smoking weed. I would tell him that its fine for him to smoke once in awhile if he's careful about it and not doing something stupid like getting high in the park. I would also tell him that if you ever catch him selling weed you'll break his fingers.

On the other hand I would make sure that he understands that getting high on weed is a lot different than getting high on pills. I'm not saying that pot is a gateway drug but people in Staten Island are bored and pills, especially in highschool, are really easy to come by. In my alma mater xanax and vicodins were the reigning kings. Several students got busted or expelled with hundreds of pills found in their lockers but they were never in the paper. Go figure.

MIJ-VI · #13 03-02-2011, 07:05 PM

WHOAH! Two oh-zees a WEEK?!

superfunk47 · #14 03-02-2011, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MIJ-VI

WHOAH! Two oh-zees a WEEK?!

+1, how the hell do you afford that?!

'Specially on top of that bass collection of yours?

Youngspanion · #15 03-02-2011, 07:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MIJ-VI

OP, since you occasionally indulge then how about twisting up a skinny one for you & your son and having a heart-to-heart rap on where his head is at?

As mentioned above, a discussion on the need for discretion would be prudent.

Nah, I'm not at all about that. I'm definitely not about yelling and being crazy. I'm just confused because of course I expect it and Its normal. But.... He's my son and I don't want him to get hurt either short or long term. Im gonna talk with him and discretion is a big factor to discuss....... Pills can be next and I know that here on Staten Island our kids seem to love 'em. So I have to really get into it with him and hope that

The other thing is that he doesn't know that I know. I just discovered it but he doesn't realize it yet. Lets just say I over heard him and his friends.

Ziltoid · #16 03-02-2011, 07:15 PM

Just try to talk to him from an amoral stand point, being moralizer is the best way to not get the message across.

**jmattbassplaya** · #17 03-02-2011, 07:16 PM

Yeah, don't smoke a joint with your kid while you talk things over. That's going to give him the wrong impression and make him see you as a friend instead of Dad. Be the adult in this situation - but be a kind, understanding one and not a totalitarian dictator.

MakiSupaStar · #18 03-02-2011, 07:42 PM

Ah yes. This is where we could easily turn ourselves as parents into hypocrites. I think it's important to really take a good look at why you still partake in the green. I've been smoking it since I was 14. When I was a swimmer, I only smoked during the off season and never around meets. I only bring this up because personally I realized that even though this was my vice of choice I always approached it as something I rewarded myself with after I was done with the things I needed to get done. I suspect that since you are the father of a sixteen year old child that you obviously take care of your responsibilities, and that you have a similar approach to green. I would also venture to guess you were probably his age when you started too.

I think your best approach is to share your own philosophy with him. Talk to him about responsible use (just as you would with alcohol), define what you view as abuse (interferes with responsibilities, lying about use, using it in a manner that will cause him problems, etc), and explain to him how you would expect your own son to approach it. Talk to him about discretion, legalities (behaviors to avoid), and how a lot of people view the drug (what's socially accepted and what's not), as well as how it's unhealthy to smoke anything. Personally, and you might agree, I think it's much milder than alcohol, and if I knew that my son smoked, but didn't drink, I would be a lot less worried about him when he's out of my sight. Approach him with love, respect, and honesty, and I think you might find that once the illicit nature of it is removed, he might actually drop it on his own accord, or he might just follow in the footsteps of his old man, and wind up a responsible person that occasionally smokes bud.

Ziltoid · #19 03-02-2011, 07:56 PM

Actually I can tell you how my parents handled it.

I came back from a few parties with my shirt/hoodie smelling smoke I didn't even smoked at those, so the convo hold place before I actually smoked.

My mom just asked me if I smoked, I said I didn't, which was true back then. The she just said " Well if you do it's not problem but I'd rather know, at your age I'm well aware that you can and will make you own decisions, and either way you go we're fine with it just one thing: if you smoke, just don't drive the car"

Although I was 18, but before I decided to try it I did some research. Also my parents are both uni teacher and frequent some people that we're well aware that they do smoke regularly, and my parents while they do not anymore, did try it, just to say there was not much misconceptions or prejudice against/for it, and also they're kind of liberal for these kinds of things.

MJ5150 · #20 03-02-2011, 08:02 PM

I have never used an illegal drug in my life, and I would never tolerate my children using them.

-Mike