Let down by someone I thought I could trust...what to do?

[Fassa Albrecht]

I feel so terrible about this, and I would appreciate some advice on this one from the mature people I know TBers are...


A couple of days ago, I felt myself able to tell a family member a highly personal matter. Now I have always been open with this person (I'll not say which family member this is) and what I told them is something which means probably the most in the world to me.

The problem is that they're pretty much betrayed that trust I had in them in pretty much laughing in my face about what I told them, despite me making it very clear of this matter's importance to me, and now they're pushing me away more and more. They seem angry at me in some ways, and they seem to be trying to distance themselves more and more than ever.

I'm really angry, miserable and confused, but I don't know what to do. I'm worried that if I try and bring this matter up again, it'll only push them away more, or they'll treat it with the same disdain they did before. At present, it seems that any time it's become an issue, it's treated as a joke.

Anyone know of anything I can do? I'm really confused as to what I can really do in this situation.

[Kwesi]

The only thing I imagine you could do is cut them off completely. It sounds like they're in the wrong and if they really did betray you this way, you have no further business with them. As for the personal matter itself, it sucks but you don't have much choice but to live with the fact that they know .

[RosieB]

Perhaps let them know that you are hurt and confused by their reaction and see if they'd agree to sit down and discuss it with you?

Or perhaps they were surprised and not sure of their own feelings about the matter and perhaps this is their way of dealing with it. Since its only been a few days, perhaps they need a bit more time to process their thoughts and feelings.

Good luck to you. I hope it all resolves well.

Edit: after rereading your post, I think I personally would give them some more time before bringing the subject up again, but you'll need to trust your own instincts about that.

[nortonrider]

That totally sucks Fassa.
After being burned in the past, I have just resigned myself to playing things close to the vest.
The more personal something is to me - the quieter I keep it.

I know it's not really "Advice",
just more to let you know that it has happened to many of us, you are not alone in being betrayed by those you thought you could trust.

[runmikeyrun]

tough situation. If it's an aunt of cousin It'd be easier to cut them off than a parent or sibling. To me it would depend on the gravity of the situation- if I told your ultra-conservative dad you were gay I suppose you would have to cut him some slack.

I guess you need to have a serious sit down conversation and figure out what to do, and how they want to handle their relationship with you. Sometimes you just need to give people space to process what you've told them, then they come around on their own time.

Sorry... that's hard to deal with.

[Fassa Albrecht]

Originally Posted by Kwesi

The only thing I imagine you could do is cut them off completely. It sounds like they're in the wrong and if they really did betray you this way, you have no further business with them. As for the personal matter itself, it sucks but you don't have much choice but to live with the fact that they know .

Problem is that if I cut off this family member, I have no-one else who is going to listen.

I told them about this personal issue BECAUSE I thought I could trust them in doing so and that they would at least support me even where they might not agree with me.

RosieB: I have considered this, but the problem I have is pushing this too far and so alienating them.

[RosieB]

Yes, give them some time.

I feel so bad for you.

[Joe Nerve]

Give them time. And get the guts up to talk to others about your issue. Do it until it isn't an issue any more. Anything you're thinking, feeling, or did, somebody else has done, thought, or felt before. Or find a good therapist. This isn't as much about the other person as it is about you. They simply weren't who you thought they were.

[Fassa Albrecht]

Originally Posted by Joe Nerve

Give them time. And get the guts up to talk to others about your issue. Do it until it isn't an issue any more. Anything you're thinking, feeling, or did, somebody else has done, thought, or felt before. Or find a good therapist. This isn't as much about the other person as it is about you. They simply weren't who you thought they were.

I'm actually with a therapist right now and the actual personal matter I told them is partially about something which has arisen in my sessions.

It's funny..I have friends who've known me less than a few months who I have told MORE to, and who take me far more seriously than someone who has known me all my life.

[icks]

As it has been said by wise people, try to talk one more time with this person.
Sometimes, you may hurt people counting on you, without even noticing it.
This person you count on will perhaps changes his/her mind about the situation.

Let this person one more chance to keep your trust. We all can make mistakes.

[Papa Dangerous]

It is hard to pass solid advice without knowing the details of why someone acted the way they have done. I am not asking for that information, just saying that my advice may not be the best.

First, in nay situation where some acts adversely, I would question WHY they acted like that but from there point of view. How does this person feel about this topic? Have they ever dealt with something like it before in which they have been subjected to creating a point of view on it that may jade an opinion of similar situations. This could be a sensitive topic to that person. Maybe you caught them very off guard being this situation is very important to you, I doubt it is simple. Perhaps the complexity of them either confused them or drove them off because they did not know what to say. People sometimes laugh at funerals as a way of letting out their emotions. Maybe this person thought different of you, or differently of a person who thinks/does/feels about what ever you hold so valuable to yourself and you kind have thrown them for a loop.

As for what to do... I disagree with cutting the person off. Nothing is solved by burning a bridge except distancing yourself. It is a good survival method to keep away attacking zombies... but a poor escape method for another fleet.

You have obviously been open with this person before and they know how you operate. You apparently thought you can be honest with them, so I am sure you can be honest again. Possibly try and say "Without touching on subject of what I have said to you, can you at least explain why you have suddenly seemed to change?" "Why have you started to alienate me?" "Did I make you feel uncomfortable, I am sorry for that, but I do not understand your actions considering how close we are?"

It is key to attack the situation but may not be entirely possible to avoid the personal issue. I know you do not want to push him/her away by bringing up the subject, but think of your possible outcomes...

A) Ask him/her about the situation as mentioned above.
1) They talk about it
2) They do not talk about it
3) They stop talking to you all together

B) Ignore it all and do not bring up the situation again. Either go back to normal or possibly feel awkward tension in the future from built up distrust.
1) Things go back to normal
2) Things do not go back to normal, but you are still able to talk to them.
3) You stop talking to them all together

C) Cut off all ties.
1) Cut off all ties, simple as that.

In each situation you have the worst case scenario of things ending communication wise. However, you also have an equal chance of things being resolved too! This leaves things either being awkward/untrusting between you too with maintained communication - I do not put a lot of quality on a friend/relationship with that constantly underlining future events.

So in short... the best way to handle this, in my opinion, is to nip it in the bud. Get right to the point of the problem (that you are now being treated differently). Either try and go from there about WHY, or leave it be.... Possibly more about your situation can be found out as well as something on the other person's end that you did not know about them.

[Fassa Albrecht]

Originally Posted by Papa Dangerous

First, in nay situation where some acts adversely, I would question WHY they acted like that but from there point of view. How does this person feel about this topic?
*snip*

If they are confused and want to ask questions, I'm not scared to answer then and back them up with something approaching evidence. If they want to know why I feel or think or act in the way I do, they can ask me and I will explain.

But in this case, they've done neither of these things and so they've gone on the defensive without even hearing the case for the prosecution.

As for what to do... I disagree with cutting the person off. Nothing is solved by burning a bridge except distancing yourself. It is a good survival method to keep away attacking zombies... but a poor escape method for another fleet.

Well realistically cutting them completely off isn't actually possible, as I still need this person in my life for a number of reasons, and also simply because they come to my house regularly and I can't keep avoiding them.

You have obviously been open with this person before and they know how you operate. You apparently thought you can be honest with them, so I am sure you can be honest again. Possibly try and say "Without touching on subject of what I have said to you, can you at least explain why you have suddenly seemed to change?" "Why have you started to alienate me?" "Did I make you feel uncomfortable, I am sorry for that, but I do not understand your actions considering how close we are?"

I've tried this and it just doesn't seem to help one bit.

It is key to attack the situation but may not be entirely possible to avoid the personal issue. I know you do not want to push him/her away by bringing up the subject, but think of your possible outcomes...

A) Ask him/her about the situation as mentioned above.
1) They talk about it
2) They do not talk about it
3) They stop talking to you all together

B) Ignore it all and do not bring up the situation again. Either go back to normal or possibly feel awkward tension in the future from built up distrust.
1) Things go back to normal
2) Things do not go back to normal, but you are still able to talk to them.
3) You stop talking to them all together

C) Cut off all ties.
1) Cut off all ties, simple as that.

In each situation you have the worst case scenario of things ending communication wise. However, you also have an equal chance of things being resolved too! This leaves things either being awkward/untrusting between you too with maintained communication - I do not put a lot of quality on a friend/relationship with that constantly underlining future events.

So in short... the best way to handle this, in my opinion, is to nip it in the bud. Get right to the point of the problem (that you are now being treated differently). Either try and go from there about WHY, or leave it be.... Possibly more about your situation can be found out as well as something on the other person's end that you did not know about them.

I really just don't know any more who I can trust...

[Mark Latimour]

I too was disappointed to hear of Arnie's infidelity.

[Fassa Albrecht]

Originally Posted by Mark Latimour

I too was disappointed to hear of Arnie's infidelity.

huh?

[TBird1958]

Parents and family are always a tough sell, I know. You are doing the right thing by seeing a therapist, just keep on doing that. PM me anytime

[Radical Edward]

Originally Posted by Fassa Albrecht

I'm actually with a therapist right now and the actual personal matter I told them is partially about something which has arisen in my sessions.

It's funny..I have friends who've known me less than a few months who I have told MORE to, and who take me far more seriously than someone who has known me all my life
..

Then perhaps these are the people you should be talking to. It really sucks when someone betrays your trust, but all you can do about it is learn from your mistake of judgement, and move on. People sometimes suck. All you can do is try to weed out those you can't trust and look for more trustworthy people to associate with.
Good luck, Fassa. Sorry about your situation.

[MJ5150]

Maybe your personal issue is funny. If you were asking about which butt cheek to put your Justin Beiber tattoo on, I would have started laughing too.

Don't go cutting people off or isolating yourself, that won't get you anywhere.

-Mike

[TBrett]

Originally Posted by Fassa Albrecht

Problem is that if I cut off this family member, I have no-one else who is going to listen.

Well, you have your therapist, for one. And you mentioned you have some new friends who take you seriously. Remember that, so you don't feel too alone. I would definitely invest in building other relationships so you're not as reliant on one person. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. Building relationships and community takes time. But it's worth the effort, IME. I also agree with giving your family member some space and then gently asking them why they reacted the way they did. Stay open to their response and see if you can put yourself in their shoes. It could be a helpful experience for both of you. Hoping for a positive resolution for you!

[Munjibunga]

Well, I'm going to make a guess at what the issue is (without revealing it) and give you an answer. Step back outside your personal matter, and look in from the outside. How does it look from there? Would a rational person see it as impossible to resolve to your satisfaction? Perhaps they would see it as ludicrous, causing them to laugh about it.

If my guess is correct, you ultimately have full control of the matter, whether you think so or not. You just have a tough decision to make, but you have to make it. Seriously, where do you think this matter will lead to? My guess is nowhere. If that's correct, make your decision and move on.

[Fassa Albrecht]

Cheers Tbird!

Originally Posted by Radical Edward

Then perhaps these are the people you should be talking to. It really sucks when someone betrays your trust, but all you can do about it is learn from your mistake of judgement, and move on. People sometimes suck. All you can do is try to weed out those you can't trust and look for more trustworthy people to associate with.
Good luck, Fassa. Sorry about your situation.

Well possibly one of the advantages I have with having this new social circle around me who are far more accepting is that I'm finding myself increasingly spending more time with them and not with people who have only served to make me miserable.

Originally Posted by TBrett

Well, you have your therapist, for one. And you mentioned you have some new friends who take you seriously. Remember that, so you don't feel too alone. I would definitely invest in building other relationships so you're not as reliant on one person. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. Building relationships and community takes time. But it's worth the effort, IME. I also agree with giving your family member some space and then gently asking them why they reacted the way they did. Stay open to their response and see if you can put yourself in their shoes. It could be a helpful experience for both of you. Hoping for a positive resolution for you!

TBH I think this has been my downfall: I've built up this relationship with this person and not built my relationships with others properly, meaning I rely on the one person far too much for both practical and emotional stuff.

Originally Posted by Munjibunga

Well, I'm going to make a guess at what the issue is (without revealing it) and give you an answer. Step back outside your personal matter, and look in from the outside. How does it look from there? Would a rational person see it as impossible to resolve to your satisfaction? Perhaps they would see it as ludicrous, causing them to laugh about it.

TBH I'm getting the impression that I'm seeing ghosts, that I'm creating road-blocks in my head that aren't there in reality. Because to the more rational parts of my head, it's becoming more and more apparent that I might have completely and utterly overestimated this person's importance in the matter.

I mean, without going into the personal matter itself, I really don't see how NOT having this person's support is going to ultimately make a huge amount of difference.

If my guess is correct, you ultimately have full control of the matter, whether you think so or not. You just have a tough decision to make, but you have to make it. Seriously, where do you think this matter will lead to? My guess is nowhere. If that's correct, make your decision and move on.

Well I knew right from the start that this whole matter was going to lose me some people who I thought to be close to me, but as I say above, I may have completely and utterly overestimated this person's relationship with myself and how important it is.