A Life-Saving Thank You to OT (and TB)

[EBodious]

hi gang

i have been meaning to post this for a few weeks. i guess it is part two in my current life story. back at the end of may, i learned that my wife (of 20 yrs) and my best friend (gtr in my rock band) had both given up on their marital commitments (to put it really mildly). it was about 3am midwest time and i was losing it (again, put mildly).

i can't over-stress how horrible it is to descend into a private world of hell. i was alone and spiraling out of control. i thought i had nowhere to turn.

and that is not good. one seriously loses perspective.

at some point i started thinking (of all things) that this guy was in my band and we had a real good thing going. that is when i realized where i could turn. where does a bass player go to flame a guitard? where can one turn even at 3 am "my time?"

of course, i posted to OT.

and got responses rite away.

that thread was deleted in a few days cause it was filled with details that could not be on the web. thus, i don't remember each person who posted, but i want you all to know. you saved my life. i was in completely un-charted waters. i had never experienced anything remotely close to that kind of *$@! in my life. i thought it was all over. and worst of all, i had to deal with her and him without them knowing that i knew what was going on. i spilled all here and got a lot of practical advice and encouragement.

really, i can't imagine what would have happened if i didn't have you all to turn to. i am not much of a gear head, but need the occasion info. i am a smart @$$ and like to mess around with the humorous posts. i knew we were a tite community of caring people, but i never really needed help (in the BIG sense) before.

all i can say is, "thank you."

really, "thank you."

i have since learned that i have many amazing friends and family. it turns out, being good to people in your life has returns! i have been helped through my life's biggest tragedy to date. it was terribly ugly and sad for a few months there. but i am actually starting to get my $%&! together and am moving forward.

still a lot of logistics to deal with (like the fact that we can't afford divorce and i am losing health insurance), but i am discovering that i was not healthy before. and, believe it or not, i may just be better off without her!

oh, and the other three members of the band and me have formed a new band, new material, new sound.... i hope he enjoys playing solo for my wife, they don't have much else in there lives rite now.

[Hollow Man]

Wow... sounds like horrible times for a while there, but congratulations on overcoming!

And I think you're right; anyone who would behave like that doesn't deserve to be a part of your life. Cut 'em out, take appropriate time to grieve and get past it, and then move on! You're doin' well!

[bassteban]

Sorry for the effed-up stuff; thanks for the thanks/you're welcome(IIRC I posted in the *lost* thread- I kinda live in OT. It's a nice place . Hang in there- music heals a lot of stuff IME.

[Thor]

Sounds like everything will work out fine bro. You know that
when the going gets tough the bass brothers got your back.

Hang in there.

[MatticusMania]

Hmm, I dont seem to remember that thread, maybe it was deleted before I got a chance to touch on it. So your wife & best friend/guitarist had an affair? Yes, you are definitely better off without people like that in your life. I'm glad youre able to move on and get your life together!

I'm not quite sure of familt law in Iowa, but in Ca I was able to do my own divorce for $350. Though I'm sure being married 20 years would mean you'd need a lawyer to split your properties and work out alimony and all that. I would recommend you and your wife (ex?) use the same lawyer as a mediator so niether one of you gets screwed over too bad (well, mainly you). Hopefully you can get a divorce, regardless of whether your situation with your wife is over, its nice to be legally unmarried. I go in on tuesday to file the last of my divorce papers, its been a year since we've split.

And if ever you need someone to talk to, you low end brothers are just a url away!

[EBodious]

thanks again gang.

we have two kids, so there has to be some "lawyering" involved. we are maintaining our civility (it took me a while. for some reason, she is ready to "look forward!") for the sake of the kids. we are using mediation rite now. so far, so good. we never had much stuff, but there is a house and a car. it will be a slow process. every once in a while (like yesterday) she gets in a mood and wants to change the temporary custody agreement. that scares me. i really want some legal docs finished.

she is the bread winner, i am mr. mom. was a good place to be, till i got dropped. i have the kids most of the week since that was always the routine. trying to hold on to custody and some alimony and child support....

[Stanley Design]

All I can say is, take her for everything she's worth.

[6jase5]

I wish you ALL the best. My divorce was $299, a $51 savings from Matticus's CA divorce, but there was nothing like the emotion of a child to split. I'm not even sure where to begin with something like that (their feet....ears??).

You said that you were a smart ass . Many great and amazing things happened after my divorce.

In the last 8 years:
Amazing new wife V2.0+
Salary tripled
New house
New band
7 new basses

At the time it sucked and I felt very alone, but it truly does get better.

[Thor]

Just a word to the wise. Avoid the "amazing new wife version
2.0+" mentioned above at all costs, at least for the
foreseeable future. No need to compound your problems at
this point.

[Jim Nazium]

Hey bro, I remember the original thread. Horrible situation. It sounds like you are handling it very well, which I'm glad to hear.

Hang in there, and keep coming back if we can help in any way.

[MakiSupaStar]

I remember that thread. Good to see you're turning around. Hang in there buddy. Now go find yourself a nice sexy asian chick or two.

[progrmr]

Hey man - hang in there! Sounds like you're doing good - just remember that when the pain comes and goes (it will) that you are a different person and have grown from this experience.

G/L bud! Life is a tough road to travel sometimes but like you said keep things in perspective and never doubt who you are or your value to those around you and this world.

[GregC]

Hey Greg, I'm very sorry to hear what you went through, man! I'm glad to hear folks had your back when things got bad, and that you're seeing things from the right perspective (you will be better off for sure). Hang in there, and don't hesitate to call on your LOG pals.

[Blueszilla]

Sorry for your troubles, I hope all works out the way you want.

One door closes, and another one opens...

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by 6jase5

I wish you ALL the best. My divorce was $299, a $51 savings from Matticus's CA divorce, but there was nothing like the emotion of a child to split. I'm not even sure where to begin with something like that (their feet....ears??).

You said that you were a smart ass . Many great and amazing things happened after my divorce.

In the last 8 years:
Amazing new wife V2.0+
Salary tripled
New house
New band
7 new basses

At the time it sucked and I felt very alone, but it truly does get better.

I got seperated last September (2008) put kind of put off doing the legal paperwork for a while as I was adjusting and sdidnt want to stress over it. Then in January I met an awesome girl and that was motivation to start the process. The fee went up on Jan. 1st from $300 to $350 (I noticed in court a few weeks ago is has since gone up to $355).

Since the divorce I've goteen a slight raise, a new bass, an amazing girlfriend whom I just moved in with (so, a new place) and a new band as well. All in the last year. Funny how some negative people can really bring the world around you down.

EB, consider it a new lease on life! Live it your way, man!

[EBodious]

rite on, guys. the important thing i had to really get my head around was that my life would go on. and i did find some perks to being separated. not to mention, i discovered thru being alone, that i was actually quite lonely already! denial is a powerful thing. i had no idea how much the "baseline" had shifted.

there are many aspects of this change of situation that are gonna be difficult (like the financial ones) but emotionally i think i will win. it just takes a while. and hard work. i wanna grow from this. i know my ex isn't growing, just running away. turns out, she has issues! amazing tho, that i still have moments when i think i'll wake up and none of this will have happened. or i will remember an event from last spring and realize i was getting played. it is hard to want justice and know it ain't gonna happen.

a friend told me the best revenge is to live a happy life. i working on it. interestingly, i am getting some help from a new friend. funny, you don't think they are out there till you're free.


another friend referred to herself and me as OFASS

-over forty and suddenly single!


OFASS club #1

[René_Julien]

Originally Posted by EBodious

-over forty and suddenly single!

ytiggig!

(that's a reversed giggity... in so many ways...)



Good you are getting your life on track again.

Can't give any advice... I'm young and never been married so I don't know what horrible times you must have had or still have.

I wish you the best of luck.

[MatticusMania]

UFASNLS

Under Forty and Surprisingly No Longer Single.

After leaving my ex I thought I'd stay single (by choice) for the rest of my life. Funny enough, it only took about 4 months to meet and fall in love with the girl of my dreams!

[L-A]

Originally Posted by EBodious

it is hard to want justice and know it ain't gonna happen.

a friend told me the best revenge is to live a happy life. i working on it.

Both very strong sentences. Good luck

One of my exes is perpetually angry at me because I'm happy.

[RWP]

Glad you are OK. Good thing you are a bass player. There might have been a different outcome on a guitar players forum. J/k