Looking for Love Advice

Sir Edward V · #1 02-22-2009, 10:33 AM

So my girlfriend of a year and a half, who I love to death, decided over this last week to break up with me. Her reason was that she doesn't love me like she used too... she doesn't think she is in love with me anymore. She also wants to date other people and see if the love we had was really what she thought it was. She has dated other people before, but the guys were huge douchebags. She always thought it was weird that she fell in love with the first nice guy she dated.

What sucks the most is I genuinely didn't see it coming... I thought everything was good well. I mean... I knew something was wrong with her recently, but I had no idea it was anything this serious.

The thing is, at this point, I want to be able to at least be friends with her if I can't date her anymore, because not only do I love her, but she is my best friend. Because of this, I want to not push her and fight her for our relationship... but on the other hand... this is the person I love most in the world... and I am just letting her go... I don't know if I can do that... I want to be strong and let her do what she needs to do, but this is killing me on the inside. I have been a wreck for the last week. I feel hollow and empty.

I've talked to a lot of friends about this, one girl in particular who has been a friend for a while. She was dating my best guy friend for 2 years and then they broke up for a similar reason and things went really bad after they broke up and now they hate each other. So I have been looking to her as to not let that happen with me and my girl. She keeps telling me not to confront her about this, and let her do what she needs to... but what about what I need?

So, basically I am looking for advice on what to do... talk to her... or don't talk to her...

Thanks for listening...

Mark Latimour · #2 02-22-2009, 10:37 AM

My $0.02:

You're 20. Don't talk to her for at least 5 years. If in 5 years you are still pining after, put in a call. In the meantime, get your game on.

varunkapahi · #3 02-22-2009, 10:37 AM

that sucks i have been through it but i'd rather start talking to her hottest friends and wait for what maki says

Microbass · #4 02-22-2009, 10:39 AM

You both need space. This is the most awkward situation; 99% of people can't be friends after coming out of a relationship. 3-6months down the line half of them can be - speaking from experience.

What I'd do is right out on paper any questions you want to ask her. People always lie in break ups to try and soften the blow... What you've typed up there sounds like she wants to take a break; so to me that would suggest she no longer wants to have any connection beyond friends with you; this is a starting point. If she thinks there maybe a future, that's a bastard. If she says its done at least you no longer have to ask yourself "what if?"

In the meantime, you can write loads of emo songs

Try and spend time with your friends as much as possible; avoid being alone.

MJ5150 · #5 02-22-2009, 10:39 AM

Waylon Jennings has good advice on looking for love, and it's set to a catchy beat.

-Mike

AlembicPlayer · #6 02-22-2009, 10:40 AM

this is a tough one no matter what..I feel you bro.
unconditional love...you have to let her go.
I hate to tell you this, but she already has somebody in mind, if she hasn't already done it.
I can not "be friends" with a woman I am sexually attracted to...the most that can happen is trying to keep that attraction in check, but it's always under the surface waiting for the opportunity to strike.

good luck to you..be strong, focus on your music...hey you're a bass player for crying out loud, chicks dig us!

peace

Honk'n_down-low · #7 02-22-2009, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir Edward V

So my girlfriend of a year and a half, who I love to death, decided over this last week to break up with me. Her reason was that she doesn't love me like she used too... she doesn't think she is in love with me anymore. She also wants to date other people and see if the love we had was really what she thought it was. She has dated other people before, but the guys were huge douchebags. She always thought it was weird that she fell in love with the first nice guy she dated.

What sucks the most is I genuinely didn't see it coming... I thought everything was good well. I mean... I knew something was wrong with her recently, but I had no idea it was anything this serious.

The thing is, at this point, I want to be able to at least be friends with her if I can't date her anymore, because not only do I love her, but she is my best friend. Because of this, I want to not push her and fight her for our relationship... but on the other hand... this is the person I love most in the world... and I am just letting her go... I don't know if I can do that... I want to be strong and let her do what she needs to do, but this is killing me on the inside. I have been a wreck for the last week. I feel hollow and empty.

I've talked to a lot of friends about this, one girl in particular who has been a friend for a while. She was dating my best guy friend for 2 years and then they broke up for a similar reason and things went really bad after they broke up and now they hate each other. So I have been looking to her as to not let that happen with me and my girl. She keeps telling me not to confront her about this, and let her do what she needs to... but what about what I need?

So, basically I am looking for advice on what to do... talk to her... or don't talk to her...

Thanks for listening...

Tell here what you just told us ^^

If she has any desire to stay with you - I think you made your case. Otherwise, as hard as it seems move on - there are way too many hot girls to be had at your age.

Sir Edward V · #8 02-22-2009, 10:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlembicPlayer

I hate to tell you this, but she already has somebody in mind, if she hasn't already done it.

yeah... I know she does... I don't know if/when she will go through with it... but in the breakup she told me she started having feelings for someone else in the last few weeks, but she broke off the part of her life that let them see each other. Which when in a relationship, is all you can ask for. Everyone is going to like another person from time to time.

but now that she broke it off with me... I don't doubt something will happen between them...

Sir Edward V · #9 02-22-2009, 10:50 AM

P.S. I forgot how much I love you guys.

I've been not coming to TB regularly for a while now, but you guys are great.

Thanks for hearing me out.

tplyons · #10 02-22-2009, 11:09 AM

Same thing happened to me. Exactly.

It was going great, then BAM, I'm a single man and she's with another guy. She broke up with me, wouldn't consider talking about it, and I loved her so much I was willing to work to fix it, but she wouldn't have it.

Needless to say, we still go to school together and run into each other on occasion. Both her and her new boyfriend avoid eye contact like the dickens and think they're getting to me. But instead, I laugh at how juvenile they're being and I've moved on.

Chin up bud, you don't want to be with a girl like that anyway. I know I'm a lot better off at the moment and couldn't be any happier about it.

bassteban · #11 02-22-2009, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark Latimour

My $0.02:

You're 20. Don't talk to her for at least 5 years. If in 5 years you are still pining after, put in a call. In the meantime, get your game on.

Woah- did Maki hack into mark's account?

Seriously, do just this. If she realizes she messed up and comes around, the ball is in your court; OTOH, is 5 years pass w/o her missing you significantly, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

T-Bird · #12 02-22-2009, 11:25 AM

Hi.

My philoshophy about love is that if You love someone enough, you care more about their happiness than your own selfish needs.

If You truly love someone, you can let them go.

Just my 0.02€
Sam

i_got_a_mohawk · #13 02-22-2009, 11:27 AM

In before Maki

Quantity>Quality

Baryonyx · #14 02-22-2009, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlembicPlayer

I hate to tell you this, but she already has somebody in mind, if she hasn't already done it.

This is true. She's probably been getting some on the side for a while now and she's just looking to cut her baggage so she can commit to her new man full time.

You're better off leaving this one.

Croox · #15 02-22-2009, 12:28 PM

your 20. there's more love to be had. I agree with Alembic and Bary. she's probally already got a new man. I would suggest tagging a few of her friends if possible.

James_B · #16 02-22-2009, 12:42 PM

It hurts alot eh?

I'm trying the "lie to everyone" plan. Where I don't tell anyone exactly how I feel about her or what happened. I put on a smile when I see her generally don't talk about her with my friends. Then when people ask "Wow you 2 are still friends and close isn't that hard?" I just smile and lie through my teeth.

bluewine · #17 02-22-2009, 12:55 PM

Ok heres some advice from a guy who has seen more than a few Summers and I have had my share over the last 40 years.

It's time to move on.

You say;

"What sucks the most is I genuinely didn't see it coming"

Nobody does, that why their called Women.

Lastly, you do not want to be her friend. You might end up hanging with her and one of her dudes, you go home alone and he's hittin it. Not good

bluewine · #18 02-22-2009, 12:56 PM

Awesome, but 10 years would be more awesome.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark Latimour

My $0.02:

You're 20. Don't talk to her for at least 5 years. If in 5 years you are still pining after, put in a call. In the meantime, get your game on.

Gard · #19 02-22-2009, 12:59 PM

Dude, I've been DIVORCED twice now.

Advice from someone that has been so in love two times that they were willing to commit on a legal document to spending my life with someone:

First time, I fought, I aruged, I cajoled, I made rational points, and generally did everything possible to salvage things. The woman in question was my perfect mate, my best friend in the universe (something that has never been replaced), and an incredibly beautiful woman on top of it all.

Second time, as soon as the topic was brought up seriously, I handed her the ring and asked when she was moving out.

The first time, I spent over 2 years of my life in misery, always hoping for something to "break", but knowing in the pit of my stomach it wouldn't ever happen - but loving her so much (or at least having convinced myself I did), that I felt it was necessary to try.

The second time...well, that was in November, and I'm already happier than I've been since wife #1 walked out on me.

I know you WON'T listen, but I'll say it very clearly, in hopes that I'm wrong and you will take the advice to heart:

Drop her like a hot potato, NOW, go and find the next one, and the next one, and the next one...eventually, one of those "next ones" will be someone you want to get to know better, and until they are, enjoy yourself (and make sure they enjoy your company as well

). You can thank me later. Oh, and as for the friend stuff...forget it, because you cannot separate the emotional/physical aspect from that, and it will ALWAYS be a source of tension and frustration to you both, even if neither will admit it. Let it go, and move on. If you two end up in the same place down the road, and things work out differently then, so be it, if not...well, it's already been said, not meant to be.

bluewine · #20 02-22-2009, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlembicPlayer

this is a tough one no matter what..I feel you bro.
unconditional love...you have to let her go.
I hate to tell you this, but she already has somebody in mind, if she hasn't already done it.
I can not "be friends" with a woman I am sexually attracted to...the most that can happen is trying to keep that attraction in check, but it's always under the surface waiting for the opportunity to strike.

good luck to you..be strong, focus on your music...hey you're a bass player for crying out loud, chicks dig us!

peace

Yeah, I agree, no friends, that does not work. If this is a young guy, you should just go out a nail down some premium "A". He might find that he wasn't as in love as he thought he was.