Love isn't for all, right ?

JulienJeff · #1 01-13-2010, 06:32 AM

I think Im' not a lucky guy.

(sorry, my post may be a bit long...)

Recently, I met a girl (via internet). We started to discuss together. The feeling was good from the very first second. First, we discussed for 5 minutes then, 5 minutes there. But since last week, it is hours every day. I feel close to her ; we love all the same things, we laugh at the same things, etc.

But the problem is that she says she's not ready for anything right now. She got separated 2 months ago (like me, actually) and she's getting divorced...

I don't get it. I mean, ok I can understand she still doesn't know what she clearly wants, since her separation is recent. But we have such great times discussing together that I don't understand she doesn't want to "try"... we saw each other at a small concert last saturday. We spent a really nice time. Actually, it was perfect. you know, those moments where you feel 100% yourself. I've not often in my life met someone I'm so comfortable with. There is no any moment where I think "what am I going to say now ?"...

And now, she closes the door and says that she has too many things to care about and has no time for a "story"...
I told her I can be patient and wait for her to be ready. It didn't work. I don't get it since I know she will not be single eternally...

What's happening ? I don't understand girls (I'm sure I'm not the only one

)

The thing is that this is the third time in my life that such a thing happen: I fall in love with a girl ; the feeling is quite good and so on, but the girl doesn't want me...
I've had two serious (several years) stories until now and it wasn't with any of those 3 girls. I've recently come to realize that I spent years with girls I didn't really love. stupid, hu ?
What I know now is that I don't want that kind of life anymore. I want to be with someone special to me. Someone like the girls I recently met.. God, she's perfect...

What do you guys think ?
Should I forget her ? Should I be patient and see what happens ?

RWP · #2 01-13-2010, 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JulienJeff

.... but the girl doesn't want me...

IMHO .... Sorry but you are setting yourself up for a fall. Keep looking until you find a girl that does want you. I know it hurts but you can't make a girl like you.

JulienJeff · #3 01-13-2010, 06:49 AM

yes, I know that. that's what hurts.
But she wasn't clearly stating "I don't want you, get off".
She just said that she's not ready and that for the moment she lives on a day by day basis...

René_Julien · #4 01-13-2010, 06:52 AM

Hmm... this sounds very familiar... (to me, and I guess prob 80% of the guys)

Been there, went through it,... can't remember why.

Very sorry to hear that.

Can't give you much advice on it... cause my advice is the "ignore her for a while" treatment, start seeing someone else to make her a bit jealous,....
Maybe too childish?

And you can't change what you feel.

I don't know how old you both are... and if the pitfalls of "friends zone" and "transition guy" applies here.

Very sorry if that's the case.

She appearantly is not in love with you right now.
Accept that for the time being and don't let that ruin your state of mind and judgement at the moment.

Maki will be along shortly to guide you the rest of the way.

JulienJeff · #5 01-13-2010, 06:56 AM

thanks René-Julien.

I'm 29.
yes, I suppose I have to forget her. making her jealous ? honestly I don't think it'd work.
The problem is that I can't ignore here for the moment. She's in my head. And we still discuss together. What's good is that we speak more openly about feelings, etc. I'll be able to see if something changes for her...

Life's not easy.

Jonyak · #6 01-13-2010, 06:59 AM

move on.. don't waste your time, you got yourself into the friend zone.

Schlyder · #7 01-13-2010, 07:04 AM

Just get out there and meet other women. If she was interested in you it wouldn't matter that she is recently separated. She would have been all over you if she was interested. Keep her on the back burner for awhile, see some other ladies, if she gets jealous , good, maybe she will be interested in you a little more. If not, you haven't wasted your time.

JulienJeff · #8 01-13-2010, 07:13 AM

hmm...
thanks guys for your advises.
certainly what I had to hear (but what I didn't want to hear).

René_Julien · #9 01-13-2010, 07:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JulienJeff

thanks René-Julien.

I'm 29.
yes, I suppose I have to forget her. making her jealous ? honestly I don't think it'd work.
The problem is that I can't ignore here for the moment. She's in my head. And we still discuss together. What's good is that we speak more openly about feelings, etc. I'll be able to see if something changes for her...

Life's not easy.

I went through almost the exact same thing. (Long time ago)

The situation now is: there is a pending request from you.
She can wheel you in when she feels like it. But it can be that she is keeping her options open.
Mostly not a good basis for a future relationships of equal partners.
No matter how she feels now about recently being single and not wanting to be in a relationship... at some point she can fall badly in love again, and it might not be with you no matter how close you are to her right now.

Off course I don't know the both of you.
I hope my hypothesis isn't true and you can win her heart.

Best of luck.

JulienJeff · #10 01-13-2010, 07:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by René_Julien

I went through almost the exact same thing. (Long time ago)

and how finished YOUR story ?

René_Julien · #11 01-13-2010, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JulienJeff

and how finished YOUR story ?

You don't want to know.

Okay.. so you do.

Terrible for me.
I came off as very needy and acted in ways where the commitee would have revoked my mancard and even fined me.

"I love you, please love me back..."
- "I'm not interested in a relationship for a while. But you are a great guy and we have great deep conversations. Let's be friends for now cause that's what I need right now."
- "Okay." hoping she would one day be at my door with raving passion in her eyes and then... everything will be right in the universe for me.

A month later, she was dating someone else.
I couldn't handle it and broke contact.

In the meantime I had several other relationships. Good ones, without much drama, reasonably breakups and no hate between exes.
But I am still screwed up and thoughts about what could have been with that one girl haunts in my head.
It's one black page in my record.

I wish I hadn't falling in love.

So...

I really hope you will not relate to me... and that it will be different for you.

JulienJeff · #12 01-13-2010, 07:35 AM

hmm.. I knew I didn't want to know your story

sorry for you (although it's far now).
I hope it'll be different for me

Yerf Dog · #13 01-13-2010, 07:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonyak

move on.. don't waste your time, you got yourself into the friend zone.

QFMFT

Next!

JulienJeff · #14 01-13-2010, 07:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yerf Dog

QFMFT

Next!

what does "QFMFT" mean ?(sorry, English isn't my mother tongue)

René_Julien · #15 01-13-2010, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JulienJeff

what does "QFMFT" mean ?(sorry, English isn't my mother tongue)

quoted for truth with two other words being adjectives to enhance the word truth

JulienJeff · #16 01-13-2010, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by René_Julien

quoted for truth with two other words being adjectives to enhance the word truth

thanks !
it looks like I don't spend enought time here

cassanova · #17 01-13-2010, 08:03 AM

I'm not going to say "forget her" and terminate the friendship, but, when she's not as into you as you are her can and often does make it very difficult to maintain a healthy friendship. So I would distance myself from her and focus more on women that are reciprocating the feelings you have. If they don't reciprocate then put them in the friend zone and move on to the next.

It's always been IME and every guy I know had the same experience in this type of situation that when the woman is ready to date it's never us and always another man.

One other piece of advice that has been very advantageous to me is, when you want advice about women, then go straight to the source and ask a woman. Since they are women they know about women much better than a man ever could. They'll also shoot it to you straight, even if it's not something you want to hear.

MonetBass · #18 01-13-2010, 08:07 AM

The older you get, the more you'll realize that life is too short to bother with women who play with your emotions. Move on, my friend. It may be difficult, but in the long run you'll be glad you did.

JulienJeff · #19 01-13-2010, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cassanova

I'm not going to say "forget her" and terminate the friendship, but, she's not as into you as you are her. That can and often does make it very difficult to maintain a healthy friendship. So I would distance myself from her and focus more on women that are reciprocating the feelings you have. If they don't reciprocate then put them in the friend zone and move on to the next.

It's always been IME and every guy I know had the same experience in this type of situation that when the woman is ready to date it's never us and always another man.

One other piece of advice that has been very advantageous to me is, when you want advice about women, then go straight to the source and ask a woman. Since they are women they know about women much better than a man ever could. They'll also shoot it to you straight, even if it's not something you want to hear.

thanks for the great advise.
I think I'll see within the next few days how things go.

tycobb73 · #20 01-13-2010, 08:10 AM

I'm sure Maki will be coming around soon. He can help you out.