Man Killed on the Golf Course

[No Neck Shrek]

A foursome of guys are waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women are hitting from the ladies' tee.


The ladies are taking their time.


When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.


and she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.


She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."


One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"


He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......

[jonathan_matos5]

[colcifer]

She should take up tennis and save her money.

[Jim Nazium]

A man gets home very late from his usual Saturday golf game. He says to his wife, "Remember Louie Bernstein? He had a heart attack and died on the fifth tee."

"Oh, that's terrible!" she replies.

"No kidding," he says. "The next fifteen holes, it's hit the ball, drag Louie. Hit the ball, drag Louie..."

[Mike N]

A woman decides she wants to take up golfing so she can golf with her husband. She signs up for lessons at the local course. The instructor puts a ball on the tee and hands her a club.

"Go ahead, take a swing" says the instructor.

She swings several times, and misses every one.

"Ok, what we need to work on is your grip" says the instructor. "Grip the club like you'd grip your husbands penis."

She does as she's told, takes a swing and drives the ball 175 yards.

"That was very good, maam, but for your next shot I'd like you to remove the club from your mouth."

[fhm555]

Guy meets nice lady who enjoys golf.

They play 18 holes the following saturday and have a great time. The lady turns out to have quite the stroke and easily wins the match, but the guy is a very good sport and takes it in stride.

Over drinks and conversation at the 19th hole, they decide to continue the game at her place.

The ride to her apartment gets hot with teasing and such. By the time they get on the elevator it's fast approaching the point of no return. As they step off the elevator the lady disengages and tells the guy she has a confession to make.

He says go ahead...and she tells him she's really a man.

The guy goes able sugar and for a moment is speechless as crimson rage rises from his chest right on up to his hairline.

With much effort he calms himself enough to speak, and this is what he says.

"You dirty, rotten, lowlifeing, piece of crap!! You hit off the woman's tee all day you lying SOB!!!

[fhm555]

Husband and wife are getting in a quick 9 holes when wife shanks her drive off number 3 tee and it crashes through the window of a nice home built against the fairway.

They walk over and see a broken window and on the floor below lies the shattered remains of what looked like an old tea pot which had been knocked off the sill when the window was broken.

They knock on the back door and a largish, bald man in a robe and slippers answers. They introduce themselves and apologize for breaking the window and tea pot and offer to pay for all damages.

The man tells them not to worry, he is not the home owner and the tea pot is in fact an ancient lamp which until it was knocked to the floor and broken, had been his home for more than a thousand years. He explained he was in fact a genie with magical powers and would grant them a wish in gratitude for freeing him from his prison.

They quickly decided uber wealthy would be a great way to live so they ask for unlimited wealth for the rest of their lives.

The genie says no problem, by this time tomorrow you will have wealth beyond even your wildest imagination. He then asks a favor in return.

Since it's been thousands of years of enforced celibacy...and considering he just granted them unlimited wealth for life...would it be too much to ask for wifey to allow him a moment of carnal pleasure with her?

It only takes a quick review of their newfound circumstances for them to agree. Wifey and the genie go upstairs and find a bedroom, where they strip and proceed to make the two backed beast.

After, as they lay exhausted, basking in the afterglow, the genie casually asks the lady's age.

"47"..she tells him. To which he replies..."WOW!! 47 and you still believe in genies and magic lamps huh?"

[bassybill]

A guy is playing golf with his local priest. Every time the guy takes a swing, he misses and swears loudly. The priest tells him that his blasphemy risks the wrath of God. But for 17 holes, the guy keeps it up.

On the 18th hole, he swears at his miss even worse than before. The sky turns black and there is a rumble of thunder. A lightning bolt suddenly stabs down with immense power - and instantly kills the priest. From the heavens, a voice with immense power speaks. It says, "Aw, Jeebus H Christ! I god dang missed AGAIN!"

[bongomania]

Originally Posted by fhm555

The guy goes able sugar

That's a new one on me--does it stand for ape poop?

[fhm555]

Originally Posted by bongomania

That's a new one on me--does it stand for ape poop?

You shoulda been a carpenter. Nail on the head.

Something I picked up from my dad when I was a kid. Him and his fellow helicopter jocks used it a lot to describe the reaction of their wives and bosses to some of the straight up cowboy stuff they did from time to time.

One old codger who flew spitfires for the brits and came to the US to follow a love of helicopters after WW II once told me he was a pilot in the era of no smoking 24 hours before flight and no drinking within 50 feet of the aircraft.

[Darkstrike]

Two men were on the tee box during a golf game, it was beside a road.

As they prepare, a funeral procession passes.

One golfer bows his head and says a small prayer.

2nd says "That was really nice of you to do."

1st responds "Sure, I was married to her for 30 years...."

[Staccato]

Extreme anger + attempt at a decent golf shot = Fail.

Still, wish I'd been there to see her hack it, and spout off.