meeting your dad for the first time

[60's Bluesman]

i would like to say right now this post is not about me, i was blessed by having great parents by my best friend has not been so lucky. my friend was born down in miami, florida and his real dad ditched his mom when he was 6 weeks old then she moved a 1,000 miles away up to michigan and never talked to him agian and he never met him. now 18 years later my friend, his younger brother, me and two others are planing a epic road trip down to bradenton, florida. during the early stages of planing he asked me in private if we could make the 3 hour drive down to miami to meet his dad, of course i said yes. i googled his name and found his exact address in public sales records that was the easy part the hard part is actualy meeting him. how do we approach it? should we contact him on facebook (which he does have) or just go knock on his door. another thing that bothers me is that he is now married and has kids so what if his wife didnt know he had a kid with another woman and worst of all whats it gonna be like for his half brothers and sisters meeting him for the first time randomly? what should we do.

[jmattbassplaya]

It`s probably not the best idea to just show up one day, but it might be the only way to do it so that he doesn`t bail on your friend a second time.

I got nothing. I wish for the best for you and your friend.

[60's Bluesman]

thanks matt, ill let you know how it all turns out

[Hollow Man]

Definitely contact him via FB/phone/email first. Although your friend is his child, it does NOT give him the right to barge into his life. Showing up on someone's doorstep isn't exactly barging, but given the gravity of the situation (new wife, new life), the father's privacy has to be respected (even if he is a douche).

What I might consider is 'misrepresenting' the day you intend to be down there. For instance, if your friend wants to come by on Tuesday, say you'll be there Monday. Then see how the dad reacts. If he's totally into meeting his son, he won't mind when you 'realize' that your plans have changed, and you need to switch days. If he blows you off, and your friend really wants to show up on his doorstep unannounced, switching days might negate the possibility of the dad stepping out for the day that you said you'd be there in an effort to avoid you all.

Sounds like a tough situation. Best of luck to your friend.

[60's Bluesman]

Originally Posted by Hollow Man

Definitely contact him via FB/phone/email first. Although your friend is his child, it does NOT give him the right to barge into his life. Showing up on someone's doorstep isn't exactly barging, but given the gravity of the situation (new wife, new life), the father's privacy has to be respected (even if he is a douche).

What I might consider is 'misrepresenting' the day you intend to be down there. For instance, if your friend wants to come by on Tuesday, say you'll be there Monday. Then see how the dad reacts. If he's totally into meeting his son, he won't mind when you 'realize' that your plans have changed, and you need to switch days. If he blows you off, and your friend really wants to show up on his doorstep unannounced, switching days might negate the possibility of the dad stepping out for the day that you said you'd be there in an effort to avoid you all.

Sounds like a tough situation. Best of luck to your friend.

well the only time he talked to him his grandmother (his dads mom who is now dead) gave him his number he called him and said "why to you leave my mom" and he got hung up on like a hour later his dad called back saying he didnt ditch his mom and that hes not 100% he is his father, they talked for a little bit after that about what each of them does and likes but i get the impression that it wasnt all warm and fuzzy and fatherlike

[mattq]

i would seriously ask your friend what he intends to get out of meeting his dad. i have a feeling that your friend may want something that his dad just may not have the power to give him. your friend has every right to whatever answers he wants and he may not even know what those are yet. i think the best way to gauge the dad's interest is just to hit him up on fb/email/phonecall etc, and see if wants to meet at a neutral location (starbucks or something) while you guys are down in florida. try not to make the first meeting a big deal unless the dad starts making it a big deal. honestly, and this sucks, but keep the expectations low

[DrSmaggs]

Don't go without contacting him first.

Plus, what if he moved?

[MJ5150]

Leave it alone.

If you do decide to go meet the guy, make it the last thing you do on your trip before coming home.

-Mike

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Originally Posted by MJ5150

Leave it alone.

If you do decide to go meet the guy, make it the last thing you do on your trip before coming home.

-Mike

+1

And if he's a douche, TP his house before you guys leave

[coreyfyfe]

Definitely call first. People do a lot of dumb stuff when they're young, knocking up this kids mom then freaking is probably high up there on this guy's list. Or maybe he's not really the dad like he said, could have been any number of things. Either way, he's probably matured (at least a little) since these things went down, which would explain the new wife/kids/etc, and interrupting his life without warning isn't exactly the best way to do things.

[Yerf Dog]

My guess is, no good will come from it.

[Jim Campbell]

Originally Posted by MJ5150

Leave it alone.


-Mike

agreed.......for one thing a guy that walked out and never returned is not your buds dad,and secondly,what good can come of it.....instead of that,tell him maybe stay home and plan an event that honors the mom who stayed put and raised him....

[60's Bluesman]

Originally Posted by Jim Campbell

agreed.......for one thing a guy that walked out and never returned is not your buds dad,and secondly,what good can come of it.....instead of that,tell him maybe stay home and plan an event that honors the mom who stayed put and raised him....

well the way my friend looks at it is like he wants to have meet his rel dad once just so he dont have to say "i never met my dad" for the rest of his life, he wants nothing from his dad execpt for him to acknowledge his existance, he wants the right in the eyes of his father to exist which is very sad to me. his mother has actualy encouraged my friend meeting him and my friend knows that his mother was the only one they had growing up, she had five husbands and countless boyfriends, hell my friend is the 4th oldest of 13 kids (7 different fathers) some were abussive or crackheads or both.

also to the guy who asked what if he moved? well if he did move, f*** it we are in miami lol

[MJ5150]

Originally Posted by 60's Bluesman

....she had five husbands and countless boyfriends...

Well, there is no guarantee that this guy in Bradenton is the father. Sounds like a Jerry Springer mess to me.

If I were you, I'd stay away from the whole scene the day your buddy pops in to say hi to his sperm donor.

-Mike

[MatticusMania]

The only thing I have to say on the subject is that if my Dad had left me and my family when I was 6 weeks old, I dont think i would have any desire to ever meet him. I already know by the fact that he left that he is somebody whom I would never wish to be like, and the less impact he can have on my life the better. He already would have made a huge one by leaving, I dont kow what more I could wish to gain by meeting him 18 years after the fact.

[tZer]

Originally Posted by Jim Campbell

agreed.......for one thing a guy that walked out and never returned is not your buds dad,and secondly,what good can come of it.....instead of that,tell him maybe stay home and plan an event that honors the mom who stayed put and raised him....

Fact is, regardless of the circumstances, not knowing your mother or father leaves a whole in your identity. I was adopted at 17 days old and love my parents dearly - and as much as I do honor them, being able to see, meet, talk to my birth mother or father is the only way to punctuate my personal identity sentence.

It may be the case with the OP as well. He certainly sees and know what parts of his identity come from his mom but there's the second half of the equation that no amount of second-hand description or honoring the mom will fulfill.

I would definitely contact him in a very purposeful fashion and make very specific plans with the dad in question before doing anything else. Also being prepared for him to say that he is not interested in meeting is highly recommended.

Finally, planning a meeting with a chip on his shoulder or the intention of confronting him about the abandonment is probably a bad idea. Hopefully he simply wants some closure and to fill in the blank in his identity that not knowing his father left.

[Jazz Ad]

He seems to go toward his dad with grief. If it's the case, he'd better not do a thing.
He should contact his dad by himself, arrange a meeting and not expect anything at all from the encounter. Everything positive should be a bonus.

[60's Bluesman]

Originally Posted by MJ5150

Well, there is no guarantee that this guy in Bradenton is the father. Sounds like a Jerry Springer mess to me.

If I were you, I'd stay away from the whole scene the day your buddy pops in to say hi to his sperm donor.

-Mike

there is a photo of him on facebook he look exactly like my friend just older so we are sure thats his dad

[Jim Campbell]

Originally Posted by tZer

Fact is, regardless of the circumstances, not knowing your mother or father leaves a whole in your identity. I was adopted at 17 days old and love my parents dearly - and as much as I do honor them, being able to see, meet, talk to my birth mother or father is the only way to punctuate my personal identity sentence.

It may be the case with the OP as well. He certainly sees and know what parts of his identity come from his mom but there's the second half of the equation that no amount of second-hand description or honoring the mom will fulfill.

I would definitely contact him in a very purposeful fashion and make very specific plans with the dad in question before doing anything else. Also being prepared for him to say that he is not interested in meeting is highly recommended.

Finally, planning a meeting with a chip on his shoulder or the intention of confronting him about the abandonment is probably a bad idea. Hopefully he simply wants some closure and to fill in the blank in his identity that not knowing his father left.

while i understand the emotional factor,to me the reality is that aside from some dna the guy has had zero input into his identity....there are a lot of people from two parent families that can tell you that it was no picnic either.....some questions are best left unanswered....

[Staccato]

Sometimes-divorced Dad's should be made to feel-more like part of a family, and less like they are part of a broken home. He left home, okay-got it.

However, plenty of immature so-called adults 'have' kids, and bolt, or break up. Some fathers hardly understand, or relate to tiny or little children
(and consequently-feel worthless-as in failure), and begin thinking they are/will be rejected by all concerned.

Why not open the door for Dad, and see if he wants to start a lasting relationship NOW, instead of punishing him (for his past or yours) going forward.