The Microsoft restaurant

[username n/a]

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly isn't really there.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Then it must be the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: This is starting to sound like an incompatibility issue. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl! The same one YOU served me!

Waiter: Hmmm, that usually works. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: At this point my best advice is for you to upgrade to the latest Soup of the Day.

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

Waiter: (Leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.)

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter: Enjoy!

Waiter: (Leaves.)

Patron: Waiter! There's another fly in my soup!

Waiter: That sir, is not a fly, it is a protein feature. We have included this enhancement for free with your soup upgrade.

Patron: This is completely UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Waiter: Well, according to the license agreement printed on the back of your latest napkin, we are not liable for the disliking of our product features. I believe we can close this ticket now.

(Removes old check, and leaves a new one.)

Patron: (Reads the check)Soup of the Day $ 1.50
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $ 2.50
Access to support @ $ 5.00 per incident X 3 Incidents $15.00
Subtotal $19.00
Mandatory Gratuity (25%) $ 5.00*
Total $24.00
* Gratuity was calculated using an early Intel Pentium microprocessor

[username n/a]

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE @$$ THAN YOURS!

[username n/a]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.

Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d*** goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[username n/a]

Will and Guy have an old friend called Dave Barker who lives in Portsmouth, Hampshire. In recent years Dave has turned his hand to driving buses.

One Thursday an inebriated man got on Dave's double-decker bus and sat in the bottom deck close to Dave. Now, Dave is not meant to allow drunks onto his bus but he had a good heart and let the man stay on.

The man started rambling on and on, so Dave suggested he should sit upstairs. 'The air is cleaner up there and you'll get a much better view.' The man agreed, but returned a few minutes later. 'What's wrong?' Dave asked. 'Don't you like it better up there?'

'It's fine', the drunk said. 'But it's too dangerous: There's no driver'.

At the next stop two more drunks got onto a bus. The first, name of Bill, asks 'Will this bus take me to 25th Street?'

The bus driver says, 'No, it won't.'

After a pause, the second man, name of Gerry, inquires, 'What about me?'

Footnote
One day, perhaps we will tell the full story of Dave, the asthma attack and the breathalyzer, but for now I leave the details to your imagination.

[username n/a]

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer.
So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.
The bartender says ''hay buddy whats your hurry?''
The man says ''if you had what I have you would do the same thing''. The bartender backs up and says ''what do you have?''.
The man says ''about 75 cents''.

[Gumby4]

A drummer walks past a bar ...............

Yea, it could happen?

[username n/a]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

[username n/a]

Night of March 31st and blind little Timmy is getting ready to go to bed.
His Mum says to him, "If you say your prayers tonight, God might cure your blindness so you can see."
So Timmy prays and prays like he's never prayed before, he really means every word.
Next morning Timmy wakes up "Mum, Mum" he cries. "I prayed so hard last night and I'm still blind!"
His Mum comes into the room, pats him on the head and says
"April Fools!"

[username n/a]

You and I are friends
You cry, I cry
You fight, I fight
You hurt, I hurt
You jump off a bridge, I'll ******* miss you.

[username n/a]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed a wife with which he could share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!

[Eric Perry]

Originally Posted by username n/a

Waiter: That sir, is not a fly, it is a protein feature. We have included this enhancement for free with your soup upgrade.

LMAO!!!!!

[username n/a]

A woman stopped by at her recently-married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you DOING??" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me!"

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you DOING??" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[username n/a]

What's brown and sticky?







































A stick.

[username n/a]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

[username n/a]

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into themicrophone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd,pierces the silence............."Well, ***** stop doin it then!"

[Herrlster]

I did not find any of those funny...

Well, that would be a lie, out of all of them, I somewhat enjoyed the skiiers and the widow.

[username n/a]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator...

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did
not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire
solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator with coordinates in every country.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more profound
statement by the president.

[username n/a]

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

Only in America..do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, & a diet
coke

Only in America...do drive-up ATMs have braille keypads.

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the
counters.

Only in America...do we use answerphones to screen calls & then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the
first place.

Only in America..do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten & buns in packs of eight.

[Fassa Albrecht]

Originally Posted by Gumby4

A drummer walks past a bar ...............

Yea, it could happen?

I hate you. I'm a drummer and I hardly drink!

[beyondhairy]

Originally Posted by username n/a

Only in America..do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten & buns in packs of eight.

actually, the hotdogs we always bring home come in packs of 7 lol

so we always have 1 loan bun at the end