Midlife Crisis

[Devils Advocate]

Longtime lurker here, posted a bit a while back but the powers that be seem to have deleted those posts. I appreciate the input a lot of you have and want to bring this topic up for discussion.

I believe I'm in the midst of what is commonly referred to as a midlife crisis.

Some of my details are as such. I'm in my late forties, have a wonderful girlfriend who's been with me a lot more years than most would hang around without a ring, I earn my living playing music but have 0 security (I can lose it all tomorrow), my girl earns an excellent living and is willing to take me under her wing for security purposes, allows me the freedom to write, play, tour, etc... but I'm bored to tears. I also have a really tough time with the relationship thing, always have. Can't help but to feel like I have a parent around. My girl and I are on target with the big issues - religion, politics, communication, ethics - but our sense of humor is somewhat different, I'm a bit messy and she's neurotically clean, she's a day person, I'm a night. Makes living together a bit of a challenge. Anyhow - there are lots of plusses, a handful minuses, and lots of questions that are coming up now.

I'm one of those fortunate almost 50 year olds who just hasn't aged for whatever reason. I'm in better shape than most 20 year olds (for real, I know most guys my age say that. think anthony keidis), and people in their late 30s have come up to me on several occasions saying stuff like, "Don't worry, when you hit my age, things will change." My band is happening bigtime and I have beautiful women of all ages literally throwing themselves at me. I was brought up with a really strict set of ethics and guilty conscience however, so cheating is almost an impossibility. After much struggle I'm starting to think my best option is to practice and learn to cheat.

Basically - I'm incredibly incredibly frustrated and confused. The desire to be with these women is overwhelmingly powerful, to the point where it makes me completely miserable - yet it seems to indulge would mean to be rid of the girl who is now my best friend, and all of the benefits that go with it. The reality of "getting older" is holding a mirror to my face and I'm beginning to get a bit fearful of all the things the world makes you fearful of - you know, like homelessness, sickness, being alone... all the good reasons that most people REALLY get married for.

It's difficult to get all the details in and keep it short. I feel like I'm in a lose/lose situation. Stay with the girl, be frustrated and resent her - leave the girl, have lots of fun but lose my best friend and possible life partner. Live a life with health benefits and security but sacrifice a lot of excitement, or live a life full of excitement that's completely on the edge? Grow up by the world's standards and what everyone else considers to be the right thing? Follow what seems to me my driving force and trust in a benevolent universe? I honestly feel like I'm a teenager all over again - lots of questions, few answers, and a libido that's bigger than it was then.

Why do we only live once?

I'd love to know your experience with this, and any thoughts regarding mine. Oh yeah, and hi everybody.

[steve66]

I am 40 ish, and lots of guys our age, are or where at some point in your current situation. I am no Dr Phil, but I say stay get married. This is what your lacking. When 2 people are to much alike, it is rare that they stay together. My wife and I are very different. We have been together 19 yrs so far. She does her thing and I do mine. We both raise our children and are totally involved in their lives. We enjoy each others company and we like certain things. We both require our own space also. Its a healthy relationship. As far as cheating goes, we all get the opportunity, but when all said and done, that is just extra baggage and drama. You will look back one day and say. I really screwed up a good thing.

[hdiddy]

As they always say, the grass is always greener...

Stability counts for alot, IMO. Taking a bigger step into a deeper level of commitment is often scary but you really don't know what you gain until you have actually done it. Just cuz you've been living together for a long time doesn't mean post-marriage will be the same. I would consider your position right now of being thankful for the things that you DO have now and where you would be without them, and decide from there.

My guess is that you're probably in a position that many of us envy - myself included.

[jtlownds]

Hey Troll,

What's your problem? We're all bass players here. Chicks are hitting on us constantly. It goes with the territory. And we're all in fantastic shape too. I'm over 70, and they are still carding me in bars. The best advice I can give you is, GROW UP

[Jake deVilliers]

Troll, go home, get a job and move out of your mom's basement!

Everybody else, read the troll's profile before you believe anything he says.

[Don Higdon]

So, an "almost 50 year old" has come to a bass forum for help dealing with a "midlife crisis"? Yeah, right.

[Devils Advocate]

Arrgh! The non believers. Because I had a little fun in my profile. I DO have the right to remain anonymous. I have my reasons. At least I'm being blateny anonymous as opposed to the many here and on other forums that have you believing they're something they're not. I've broken no rules, this time nor the other time I got labeled a troll. Only mistake I just noticed I made was I posted on the DB side. I meant to put this on the BG section of the board. I somehow think they'd be a little more understanding, and friendly. I know, you DB guys couldn't imagine what I'm saying to be true - it's not a part of your world.

Is it possible to move this thread to off topic on the bass guitar side? And is it possible NOT to have this closed because someone thinks I'm looking to start something? I'm not. If the thread plays out you'll see I'm sincere. Thanks.

[Marcus Johnson]

http://www.drphil.com/plugger/respond/?plugID=9163

[MyUsernameHere]

I don't know why you guys think the OP is a troll. Speaking as another extremely wealthy, good looking, secretive but well known and worldly man who only has time to post on a bass forum between playing bass in front of 40,000 screaming fans and working to refine M Theory for my students at M.I.T., I know exactly what he's going through.

Gentlemen, I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've looked in one of the many antique mirrors I have at my summerhouse and not liked the ridiculously hansom face looking back at me. I mean, if you aren't incredibly wealthy and a border-line genius, I imagine it would be hard to understand what a burden it is to live the kind of life I do.

Sure, I have numerous beautiful girls...women...mothers...daughters...mother and daughters...twins...sorority groups...nuns...women's rights orginizations...all female bridge clubs...college women's volleyball teams...etc...offering themselves to me at all hours of the day and night...every day of the year. However, they're only transitory connections--using me for my body and leaving me feeling incomplete. Sometimes its so bad I have to jump into one of my private jets and take a long weekend in the Virgin Islands just to feel "human" again. Can you imagine the horror of that?

Anyway, D.A. you have my sincere sympathy.

[Chris Fitzgerald]

Moved to BG. If any of the BG mods feel that this thread needs cleaning up, please let me know. I was spending Easter Sunday with the extended family and found this thread on the wrong side of the fence.

[Jared Lash]

This song has all the answers you seek.

[JNowiski]

get priorities and grow up i guess.

[XtreO]

I am only sixteen and cannot offer advice from experice, but with all due respect; "and all of the benefits that go with it" is a suspicious comment. Do you really love your girlfriend?

[peterbright]

I was tortured as a child. It made it hard to form lasting relationships. Get a therapist. It might actually help. I did & I'm on wife 9. Go figure...7 plus years & it's great.

[Lalabadie]

Originally Posted by Don Higdon

So, an "almost 50 year old" has come to a bass forum for help dealing with a "midlife crisis"? Yeah, right.

Well at least this time there's no ambiguity about his gender.

[joeydavidson]

I've been going through a midlife crisis for the last few years, 31 is a tough age. It seems like I'm only interested in heavy metal/goth music, r/c cars and art. Nothing much has changed since I was a teenager.

[Devils Advocate]

[edit: hooray. 3 sincere posts while I was typing this. ]

Ya know, I gotta say that I expected some of this, but I really thought some more people would take it seriously.

No, I'm not using talkbass for the answer to my life problems, but it's good to put stuff out there and get other's ideas on things. Thanks steve and hdiddy, and I didn't make chumps out of you guys. I appreciate the sincere responses. Part of my posting it in an anonymous forum like this is so that I could get a good cross section of people, hopefully a few that are in a similar situation, and uhh... this isn't stuff I can talk to too many people about because I pretty much get the sarcasm that you guys are throwing out here. Yeah, it sounds like someone bragging, or making crap up - but seriously, put yourself in the position as stated above. It's a rough spot, and it's even rougher when you're kicking yourself down thinking, yeah - all I really need to do is simply grow up. But it ain't happening the way it does for most, and you find yourself miserable. I'm not particuarly proud of the fact that I'm struggling with this.

I realize too that saying women are throwing themselves at me sounds ridiculous and sophmoric, but it's the simple truth and I think it's hard for people to understand what this really feels like unless you're in that situation. A lot of people my age kind of settle down (grow up if you like), start putting on the spare tire, and don't really still attract the kind of women I have interested in hanging with me. It's a lot easier to be in a committed relationship without that. When you have opportunities that keep coming your way though, and you keep saying no.... it wears you down. Chris Rock does a routine on how fast p***y can be if it's chasing you.

I'm having a rough time making peace with it all. And yeah - I will eventually get through it, just want to kick it around a bit. Like adults.

As for "the benefits" line - I wasn't talking about sexual benefits. I was talking about the security and all.

You guys took the crossdressing thread seriously, and question the validity of this. Wow.

[XtreO]

I meant as in if you only stay with her because of the potential economic security :P Not sexual benefits.

[HollowBassman]

Wow Devils Advocate, you really make friends fast!

For what it's worth, I believe you're sincere. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice. Good luck.

[Devils Advocate]

Originally Posted by from

Let me give you my opinion straight up since it seems to be what you are asking of us lower life forms, though god only knows why you chose to bestow us with an almighty piece of your giggle-inflicting, prepubescent philosophy.

[/center]

Wow.

Seems like this kicks a few issues up in yourself. Try to consider for a half a second that this is all sincere, and then reread your post. And I need to grow up.

How am I even coming close to painting a "better than you" picture here? I'm shallow, when the fact that I say a couple of girls are chasing me around makes you think I'm claiming to be better than you? What the hell is that all about. I'm in a happening band. Excuse me. I didn't say I created the band, I got lucky. I'm obviously stuggling in a lot of other ways, and somehow the mention of the girls chasing me pushed you over the edge. I'm gonna take a jump and guess that that's never been your problem. Sorry pal.

I'm not looking for your tears or compassion, just thoughts and experience.

You have a wonderful way with words. I hope you earn your living by writing.