Mixed Race couples/mixed marraiges: more difficult than same race relationships?

Relic · #1 10-21-2011, 12:10 PM

The wife and I were talking about this last night. We're a mixed race couple. She had read an article yesterday stating how mixed race couples have more challenges and the children of such unions often have troubles with identity and such... honestly, my first marriage (same race) was waaaaaay more fraught with issues.

Sometimes I'm convinced that this is being overblown or exaggerated. I'm 100% sure that some mixed couples have had issues, there's no doubt in my mind about that, but I feel that it depends on a lot of things - the individuals involved, their personal sensitivities and even their location - just way too many things to state that they unequivocally "have more issues" because of the racial makeup.

Our best friends are another mixed race couple who have stated time and again that their experience has been just the opposite - folks tend to take notice and actually treat them very well.

What are your thoughts?

Lonesomedave · #2 10-21-2011, 12:21 PM

well... my wife is chinese and i am a whitebread american (she is from taiwan)

we have never had any trouble at all. everyone who knows her, loves her.

both my parents lived with us till the day they died... actually, they both died literally at home, but that is another story. if she and i had ever had any trouble (you know, the kind that leads to divorce) i am convinced they would have thrown me out and kept her...

she had one daughter when we married and we have one son together. no problems at all.

obviously i can not speak for anyone else, but every day i wake up amazed that she has kept me all these years.

Selta · #3 10-21-2011, 12:21 PM

Personally, I think it's hard to say. Put any two people together of any culture, belief, race or other defining "box", and you have a chance of those two people not getting along. I'm a white guy dating a Taiwanese woman. Her and I just "work" together, very well. We see eye-to-eye on very important issues, and also not-so-important ones as well. Sure, we have our disagreements and don't always agree on things, but life would be rather bland if everyone did all the time. Who was it that said "If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking"?

I'd be interested in seeing what "challenges" they say mixed race couples have. Of course, both individuals are often learning another culture and things of that nature, which can be "challenging" I suppose. And if one culture clashes with another, then sure, I can see issues coming from that - but I would suspect that those relationships would be pretty short lived and non-childbearing.
The only thing that I would put any faith in (though minimal!) would be the child having possible issues with identity. Though I think that would be more in upbringing than anything - but I'm not a parent, nor ever want to be one, or anyone that has done much studying in child psychology/physiology, so this is an area I'm hugely unqualified to speak about

electracoyote · #4 10-21-2011, 12:29 PM

It's getting so common, and the age group that would have a bias is getting older and dying off, I think it's much more acceptable these days. I'm a retired public school teacher in Denver, and I'd say a third of my students were of mixed race.

I think it probably doesn't even register as unusual for most of us.

There is almost no point trying to guess someone's racial heritage these days. You'll almost always be off somewhere.

pointbass · #5 10-21-2011, 12:30 PM

We're not a mixed marriage (unless you consider my wifes intelligence and my stupidity "mixed") but have several close friends who are. From our perspective, we find that the mixed couples who are confident/secure in their relationship have nearly no issues (similar to how Relic feels). The ones who seem to feel mistreated by society have a chip on their shoulder and look for any tiny sign of disapproval, almost as if they are seeking out the chance to scream "discrimination". Interestingly, these same couples do not have the best relationship between themselves.

I also agree that it is a regional thing .... here in the NYC/NJ/Philly corridor attitudes are much more open towards racial integration within marriages. When I'm in southern VA, that is most definitely not the case ....

**pacojas** · #6 10-21-2011, 12:38 PM

i haven't experienced any problems dating/marrying outside of my race short of JEALOUSY.

infact, i'm black and have a very fair white female acquaintance. we are often mistaken for a married couple and have been told by black and white strangers that we make a beautiful couple, LMAO!

upon replying that we're just good friends even elderly white people quote that we should be a couple. i'm inclined to believe appearances are very important and this woman is EXTREMELY beautiful and charismatic!

ps: we are secretly inlove, but you didn't hear that from me.

i guess it looks very apparant to on-lookers. her sister is especially curious!

MatticusMania · #7 10-21-2011, 12:43 PM

Im not part of a mixed marriage, but I have friends in mixed race relationships and havent witnessed or been told of any complications or issues arising from race.

MakiSupaStar · #8 10-21-2011, 12:49 PM

Harder? I wouldn't say they're any harder, but they definitely have some unique dynamics, especially if English is your wife's second language.

StyleOverShow · #9 10-21-2011, 12:52 PM

Read an article about a month back addressing the mixed race marriage issues. Think it pointed out what pointbass thought...more confident, secure people in these relationships so fewer divorces overall, or something like that..point being, it's about the people involved.

Relic · #10 10-21-2011, 12:52 PM

My son is funny. Last week I caught him looking intently at himself the mirror. I asked what he was doing, he turns around and asks "am I Asian like Adam?" (Adam's one his buds in school)
I told him: "yeah a little bit. You're also Polish, Costa Rican and lots of others things. You're like everything, dude."
He turns and looks back into the mirror and goes: "coooool.."
I don't think he's going to have any identity problem. He's already embracing this as a positive at 6 years old.

MakiSupaStar · #11 10-21-2011, 12:55 PM

I remember during the world cup, it was Japan vs England, and my son suddenly stands up and declares "I can't take this anymore. Too much pressure. I don't know who to cheer for!".

He's a US citizen/British/Japanese citizen. I guess I can understand his confusion.

Relic · #12 10-21-2011, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Harder? I wouldn't say they're any harder, but they definitely have some unique dynamics, especially if English is your wife's second language.

My ex-wife was white but English was also a second language for her. I think that THAT was a more complicated dynamic than race based on my own experiences.

elgecko · #13 10-21-2011, 12:57 PM

My family is very integrated. I think the biggest issue is at family parties where a lot of people are speaking Tagalog (Filipino language)...it leaves some people out of some conversations.

My ex is half French/half Mexican Indian...culturally Mexican. My daughter has jokingly said that sometimes, she feels too Asian to hang out with Mexicans and too Mexican to hang out with Asians.

fmoore200 · #14 10-21-2011, 01:40 PM

Me and my wife are not exactly a "mixed race couple" because I am part Mexican while she is Puerto Rican and Arabic, but she is very dark skinned while I am of the lighter variety, lol.

We have never had any problems due to our different complexions. I have to think that is because of the time we live in. My grandma (Irish) and my grandfather (Mexican) however, had plenty of problems in nyc in the 1950's. So times have changed race issues a little. And I am happy about that

macaroni tony · #15 10-21-2011, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pacojas

i haven't experienced any problems dating/marrying outside of my race short of JEALOUSY.

"You leavin me.....for a HHWHITE woman??!?!?!"

+100 points to anyone who gets the reference

Quote:

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

I remember during the world cup, it was Japan vs England, and my son suddenly stands up and declares "I can't take this anymore. Too much pressure. I don't know who to cheer for!".

He's a US citizen/British/Japanese citizen. I guess I can understand his confusion.

HAHAHAH!!! Man kids are hilarious....

Quote:

Originally Posted by elgecko

My family is very integrated. I think the biggest issue is at family parties where a lot of people are speaking Tagalog (Filipino language)...it leaves some people out of some conversations.

My ex is half French/half Mexican Indian...culturally Mexican. My daughter has jokingly said that sometimes, she feels too Asian to hang out with Mexicans and too Mexican to hang out with Asians.

That's funny. How old is your daughter?

Your post reminds me:

My first real girlfriend was Filipino. Most beautiful girl I had ever seen...I loved the crap out of her. It ended quite badly, quite badly. Especially for my angsty little 14 year old heart

I got a friend request from her on Facebook once (We are still loosely in the same circle) and that brought it all back to me. That is the extent of my mixed-race relationship experience. So IMO interracial couples suck!

Everything worked out for the best, of course. Now I'm married to an even beautifuler girl who won't cheat on me

MatticusMania · #16 10-21-2011, 02:13 PM

Actually, my wife is Canadian, and I am a USAlian. Mixed race, indeed!

macaroni tony · #17 10-21-2011, 02:15 PM

Matticus, how did you get past the whole beady eyes and floppy head thing? Or is it still kind of a work in progress?

In the way of a serious answer to the OP, I know a handful of interracial couples. From what I've seen and heard, it doesn't seem to be much of an issue to them socially, or otherwise. In some cases, you get the black woman who will say "Why he couldn't go and find himself a good black woman?" but meh...never seems to bother anyone much.

I've never really seen or heard of any real issues from mixed-race people, either. Well, except for one time, but it was extreme. It was in county, and the inmate who was kind of in charge of everything was telling everyone where they would sleep. In short, the black guys went here, the Mexicans went there. One guy (He was blackxican) was told to go one way, and then the guy in charge stopped him and said, "Wait, I'm sorry I thought you were black."

- "Well, I am black. Half black."
"OK so are you black or Mexican?"
- "......I'm both"
"Aight on the streets, who do you hang out with, you hang out with the blacks, or you hang out with the Mexicans."
- ".....I....I don't make distinctions, I just make friends with whoever is nice."

That didn't work out too well for him

MatticusMania · #18 10-21-2011, 02:19 PM

Well, she isnt technically Canadian, since she was born in the states. Her father though, certainly has the beady eyes. Strangely enough, her sister has dual citizenship because she went to school in BC, and she definitely inherited the beady eyes.

elgecko · #19 10-21-2011, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by macaroni tony

...That's funny. How old is your daughter?
...

She'll be 19 next month.

On a related note, there's a comedian out there that says when the entire world is mixed, everyone will look Filipino!

macaroni tony · #20 10-21-2011, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elgecko

She'll be 19 next month.

On a related note, there's a comedian out there that says when the entire world is mixed, everyone will look Filipino!

Dang old man! I thought you were like, my age.

And that comedian was right lol