My daughter is a liar

EricF · #1 10-06-2008, 12:37 PM

The issue iteself was pretty minor, but my 10-year-old flat out lied to me and my wife (her step-mom). 5 times we asked her the same question, and she looked stright at us and lied. Only when we presented her with evidence did she finally relent and tell the truth. There are other times when I've suspected that she was lying, but didn't have enough proof to really call her out.

As I could have predicted, she immeidately went to tears (looking for my sympathy), but never apologized. We had a conversation that night and the next morning about being responsible for her actions and accepting the consequences when she makes a mistake. I also told her the most damaging thing was that she ruined my trust in her. Only time will tell if she got the message.

This single moment has moved our father-daughter relationship to a new page.

buzzbass · #2 10-06-2008, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EricF

The issue iteself was pretty minor, but my 10-year-old flat out lied to me and my wife (her step-mom). 5 times we asked her the same question, and she looked stright at us and lied. Only when we presented her with evidence did she finally relent and tell the truth. There are other times when I've suspected that she was lying, but didn't have enough proof to really call her out.

As I could have predicted, she immeidately went to tears (looking for my sympathy), but never apologized. We had a conversation that night and the next morning about being responsible for her actions and accepting the consequences when she makes a mistake. I also told her the most damaging thing was that she ruined my trust in her. Only time will tell if she got the message.

This single moment has moved our father-daughter relationship to a new page.

As a dad, let me say this. There must be consequences for this incident. Not minor ones either. grounding, taking away something she loves(temporarily) etc.ect. This needs to "leave a mark" of sorts.

**Horny Toad** · #3 10-06-2008, 12:44 PM

Besides the talking to, were there any other consequences?

Edit: Buzz beat me to it.

mimaz · #4 10-06-2008, 12:47 PM

I'll be watching the responses (suggestions) here with great interest......I have a 6 1/2 year old and an 8 year old.........I know that they have tried the same thing, and always wonder if I am properly dealing with the situation.

Relic · #5 10-06-2008, 12:51 PM

Lying is bad and if not nipped in the bud now, will most definitely set a bad precedent.
I'm with Buzzbass, she needs to see that there are consequences.

DWBass · #6 10-06-2008, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mimaz

I'll be watching the responses (suggestions) here with great interest......I have a 6 1/2 year old and an 8 year old.........I know that they have tried the same thing, and always wonder if I am properly dealing with the situation.

Honestly, I've had nothing but bad experiences with my son, who's 14 now. He's a pathological liar and doesn't even think twice about doing so! I'm just counting the days until he turns 18! I pray you guys don't have the same issues I'm dealing with! Take away stuff? Hah! He just adapts without and continues his merry ways!

DudeistMonk · #7 10-06-2008, 12:52 PM

You must continue to maintain the illusion of omnipotence and control at all costs! So far so good, you caught her.

JNowiski · #8 10-06-2008, 12:53 PM

sounds like you need to REGULATE!! *raises backside of hand*

...i tell that to my sister all the time about my niece.

SpectorBass308 · #9 10-06-2008, 12:54 PM

Nip it in the bud

René_Julien · #10 10-06-2008, 12:54 PM

I don't know what she did (we don't need to know that) but if the lie was about something she done wrong, I suggest come up with two seperate punishments.

And make that very clear, one punishment for what she did wrong, and a second punishment for the lying.

mimaz · #11 10-06-2008, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DWBass

Honestly, I've had nothing but bad experiences with my son, who's 14 now. He's a pathological liar and doesn't even think twice about doing so! I'm just counting the days until he turns 18! I pray you guys don't have the same issues I'm dealing with! Take away stuff? Hah! He just adapts without and continues his merry ways!

Sorry to hear that......it's no fun being around the career liar......I once dated a girl who was that way......she lied even when she didn't need to..........made a difficult relationship downright impossible (I got out!) I hope I don't ever need to count down the days until the kids are gone, that would be the worst!

JNowiski · #12 10-06-2008, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DWBass

Honestly, I've had nothing but bad experiences with my son, who's 14 now. He's a pathological liar and doesn't even think twice about doing so! I'm just counting the days until he turns 18! I pray you guys don't have the same issues I'm dealing with! Take away stuff? Hah! He just adapts without and continues his merry ways!

sounds like you need to regulate till he's black and blue...and probably keep him in the house till the black and blue regulating has dissappeared.

Snakeman1066 · #13 10-06-2008, 01:05 PM

whenever i catch my kids in a lie i add an additional punishment, and add that yes you will get into some sort of trouble but not as much trouble if you had told the truth.

I encourage them to come to me and tell me when they have messed up and assured them that i will do what i can to help, but its better to tell the truth by doing so the consquences will not be as bad as they will if they lie.

all you can do is teach them the right way and hope that some if it sticks.

did you try telling her the story about the boy that cried wolf?

Chriss62 · #14 10-06-2008, 01:05 PM

It's only wrong if you get caught, ehh?

DWBass · #15 10-06-2008, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JNowiski

sounds like you need to regulate till he's black and blue...and probably keep him in the house till the black and blue regulating has dissappeared.

I'm not going to jail for him. Besides, that doesn't work either! He's got straight up mental issues he refuses to acknowledge! Can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself. Like I said, I pray you guys don't have the same issues!

kesslari · #16 10-06-2008, 01:12 PM

Quote:

This single moment has moved our father-daughter relationship to a new page.

Others have raised the excellent and necessary points that definite and clear consequences are needed.

That said, this need not mark a permanent change, unless you make it so.
Make it clear that she is not bad - lying (the behavior) is bad and won't be tolerated.
She's still your daughter, and what you want to do (I think) is make clear to her that this behavior is not at all acceptable, but not that she herself is a bad person.
If that makes sense.

DudeistMonk · #17 10-06-2008, 01:13 PM

If consequences dictate my course of action and if...

Quote:

It's only wrong if you get caught, ehh?

I knew a chick in college who was a pathological lair...they are different from someone who lies when you ask "Why did you miss dinner?" They are people who will tell you a grand story about their father the FBI agent one day and their father the CIA agent the next. Or how once they saved a kid from burning car and where given the key to the city, after winning an ice cream eating contest and writing the star spangled banner.

EricF · #18 10-06-2008, 01:16 PM

The consequences are coming. Since she's only with us 2 days per week, so I am working on getting her mother on board as well. She got an iPod from me for her birthday in August, and it's been a cherished item for her. I think it's time the iPod takes a vacation for a while.

I made it very clear that my wife and I love her very much, but lying will NOT be tolerated.

rap138 · #19 10-06-2008, 01:17 PM

ufff, there is a good bunch of hardliners here, c'mon guys, she is a 10 y/o is normal she lied, that's quite common at that age (not that it should be), the good thing would be not to really punish her for whatever she did wrong (another thing inherent to be a 10 y/o) but punish her for the lying, that will show that the lying is the real issue, and forget about the deed, the message is clear "the lying is the worst".

Relic · #20 10-06-2008, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DWBass

I'm not going to jail for him. Besides, that doesn't work either! He's got straight up mental issues he refuses to acknowledge! Can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself. Like I said, I pray you guys don't have the same issues!

DW, sounds like he's a handfull

How was he at 9/10 years old?