My mom died recently. How to cope?

[EagleMoon]

My mom died 3 weeks ago and I feel so lost. It wasn't so bad while I was busy, moving her stuff out of her apartment, taking care of paperwork, dealing with the funeral home. But now, things have settled down a bit and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not currently working, so I have a lot of time to think, which makes it a little worse. I haven't been taking the best care of myself either. Eating a lot of junk food..etc. It's hard to think about taking care of myself. Sorry to vent, but you all are like a family to me.

Does anyone have any tips about how to get through this time a bit easier?

[funkybass4ever]

Originally Posted by EagleMoon

My mom died 3 weeks ago and I feel so lost. It wasn't so bad while I was busy, moving her stuff out of her apartment, taking care of paperwork, dealing with the funeral home. But now, things have settled down a bit and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not currently working, so I have a lot of time to think, which makes it a little worse. I haven't been taking the best care of myself either. Eating a lot of junk food..etc. It's hard to think about taking care of myself. Sorry to vent, but you all are like a family to me.

Does anyone have any tips about how to get through this time a bit easier?

Celebrate and honor her time on this Earth by taking care of one of her most loved creations- YOU! Live the life she would be proud of you for. Maybe write and record your emotions in a song.

[Lonesomedave]

Eaglemoon--

i am sorry for your loss, and i know how you feel.

both of my parents lived with us till the day they died. my mom had a stroke and so spent the last few years of her life not really with us, but present nonetheless.

my dad had cancer, but it was like he was hanging on to let my mom go first, and then in a few months he was gone too.

my dad's passing hit me the hardest, since my mom wasn't really with us for the last few years of her life.

all i can say is... nobody lives forever. everybody who has ever lived is already dead or will die sometime... nothing happened to your mom that will not happen to us all one of these days.

if she had a good and a happy life, that's all any of us can ask for. remember the good times and know this, time will make the hurt go away, maybe not completely, but sufficient for you to remember her and not feel the pangs you feel now.

/s/ Dave

[SBassman]

Very, very sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family.

Originally Posted by funkybass4ever

Celebrate and honor her time on this Earth by taking care of one of her most loved creations- YOU! Live the life she would be proud of you for. Maybe write and record your emotions in a song.

I think this is really great advice.

[EagleMoon]

Thanks everybody. My mom was 86 when she passed and was vital and active up until this last June when she came down with pneumonia. She just stopped eating and just went downhill. It was horrible to watch her wither away. I think she had decided it was time for her to go. Both of her brothers had died in the past year and a half, and she was the last one left in her immediate family. I was the only one here to take care of her, visit her in the hospital and take her things at the nursing home where she had gone for rehab. My sister had a stroke 10 years ago and lives out of town, so all of the work was on me. That was stressful enough, but I made it through that, but now that things are slowing down, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm in a fog.

[Scogman]

Three years ago my mother passed away after a short battle with pancreatic cancer. My father passed away three months later in an accident. They were in their early 60's.

The way we coped is that my brother, sister, and I have become much closer afterwards. We do family things together that we used to do with our parents. I've tried to spend more time with my niece and nephew and be a better uncle.

Also my handful of long term friends knew my parents well. Time with them also has been instrumental in helping me cope.

There will be a lot of crying that will become less frequent with time. However there will be times when something out of the blue will remind you and tears will well up again. That's been my experience.

Surround yourself with the people you love. It doesn't take away the pain, but it definitely helps lessen the sting.

[Munjibunga]

Try to find comfort in that you have fond memories of your mother. That's not always the case.

[enricogaletta]

Originally Posted by funkybass4ever

Celebrate and honor her time on this Earth by taking care of one of her most loved creations- YOU! Live the life she would be proud of you for. Maybe write and record your emotions in a song.

I think this is a great suggestion! Take it
Enrico
YouTube
WebSite

[joshmat]

Blessings and prayers to you, EagleMoon.

Cry when you feel like it, laugh when you feel like it and communicate your feelings with friends and family. The feelings will change over time and everyone grieves differently so go with how YOU feel and let it happen. I still talk to my father when I need a hand and have always felt that he's right there listening. I also find some solace in speaking with my friends who have also lost a parent. E.G. my guitarist and I tend to spend time on father's days together since we both lost ours.

[EagleMoon]

I do have several friends who have lost their mothers fairly recently and we have talked about it. I know it'll get better with time. It's just hard right now and I guess I just needed a virtual hug.

[NOT]

I am sorry EagleMoon.

I went through the same situation when my father passed. At that time, I decided to keep myself busy, and somehow decided not to think about it at all.

Do not do what I chose to do!!!

About 3 years later, it hit me like a tone of bricks.

I would suggest you talk about what you are going through with others, and take things one step at a time.

[kesslari]

Sending you a virtual hug, Eagle Moon. My mom passed last Friday.
I comfort myself knowing that she had a good run. She lived a full life.
I keep her memory, and so part of her is still with me.

Experience your feelings. It's natural to feel lost and confused, sometimes angry, sometimes sad. If you can or want, read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross "on death and dying" - it helps to understand the grieving process and normalize what you're going through. I'll post the key points in another post.

[kesslari]

Perhaps the most well-known model for understanding grief was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, in her 1969 book titled On Death and Dying. The five stages of the grief cycle that she outlined are

denial,


anger,


bargaining,


depression,


acceptance.

She described the stage of denial as the bereaved having difficulty believing what has happened, the anger phase as the survivor questioning the fairness of the loss, the bargaining stage as wishing to make a deal with fate to gain more time with the one who was lost, the depression stage as the period when the bereaved person gets in touch with how very sad they are about losing their loved one, and acceptance as feeling some resolution to their grief and more ability to go on with their own life.

Kübler-Ross apparently felt these phases can be applied to any significant personal loss (for example, of a job, relationship, one's own health, anticipating one's own death), as well as the death of a loved one. It also seems that she believed these stages don't all have to occur, can take place in different order, and can reoccur many times as part of an individual's specific grief process. Other grief experts describe seven stages of grieving, specifically

shock or disbelief,


denial,


bargaining,


guilt,


anger,


depression,

acceptance/hope.

The shock or disbelief stage is understood as the numbness often associated with initially receiving the news of the death of a loved one. The guilt stage of grief refers to feelings of regret about difficult aspects of the relationship with the deceased.

[Chunk-O-Funk]

You got hugs coming your way, bass sista.

Sorry to hear your bad news. I truly hope you feel better. (with time) I lost my Father some time ago and can tell you things will get better. Just remember the good times you and you're Mother had.

[EagleMoon]

Thanks Kesslari, and really sorry to hear about your mom as well. Sending a virtual hug back your way!

I've heard of these stages of grief. I'll see if I can find the book. I have gone through a lost of this except I haven't really felt angry. She did have a long productive life and wouldn't have wanted to live on being taken care of by others. She was just too independent for that. I do think she's in a better place now.

[TobyBass55]

EagleMoon,
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish there was something I could say that would make things better. Best I can do is send a virtual hug.

My mother also passed away about a year and a half ago. I still think often about how much I am like her, and have a sense of her smiling down from above, so to speak. I guess I see her as being in a better place because she was so frail toward the end.

[EagleMoon]

Originally Posted by TobyBass55

EagleMoon,
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish there was something I could say that would make things better. Best I can do is send a virtual hug.

My mother also passed away about a year and a half ago. I still think often about how much I am like her, and have a sense of her smiling down from above, so to speak. I guess I see her as being in a better place because she was so frail toward the end.

That's how I feel. Her dying was sort of a relief from the sickness and she was just tired. She did have a long life. Sorry to hear about your mom, but it sounds like you're in a pretty good mental place about it all now.

[RS]

It sounds like she had a full, and mostly healthy, long life. That will be a comforting perspective one day in the future. Outside of that, if you figure anything else out that works, let me know.

[Staccato]

I'm sorry to hear this news, too. It's so difficult to imagine losing a parent.

Though I haven't read any of the books that lay out a process for working through the various stages of grief, one of those may help...there may be good websites online to help with some of this.

[LM Bass]

Sorry for your loss. It's natural that you won't be yourself for a while. I hope that the grieving passes and you get back to doing the things you enjoy, soon enough.