My Onion horoscope this week

[fenderhutz]

http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-22-2008



Taurus April 20 - May 20
While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.

[Matt_W]

I'd never read those before, I love how they make fun of the "Genuine" ones by being so ludicrously specific.

I'm going to have to bookmark them.

[HollowBassman]

Is this your way of fishing for a happy birthday thread?

[steve21]

The one for Cancers was hilarious.

I'm a Capricorn.

Your money problems will only worsen this week when cashiers demand to know why there's a top-hatted magnate in the center of all your multi-colored bills.

I lul'd.

[fenderhutz]

Originally Posted by HollowBassman

Is this your way of fishing for a happy birthday thread?

Thanks for reminding me, seriously, with a 2 1/2 year old and the wife going to be induced for male child #2 tomorrow I completely forgot my birthday was coming up.

[cheesemonkey]

This week's full moon will turn you into a crazed, ferocious and out-of-control monster, but that's only because it'll happen to coincide with your period...

[jonathan_matos5]

Libra September 23 - October 23

The world's greatest poets will gather to write about your unique beauty this week, only to give up hours later, after failing to find a rhyme for "eczema."

[Lalabadie]

Mine's golden too

"Cancer June 22 - July 22

Thanks to Pavlovian conditioning and a rather unexpected string of neighborhood accidents, you'll soon salivate every time an ice-cream truck runs over a puppy."

What a fine mix of absurdism and culture.