My Sister-in-Law hates me now - LONG post

Skel · #1 08-15-2008, 09:50 AM

My wife's sister, and her sister's daughter are here visiting. My daughter and her daughter (cousins) are the same age so they hang out together. Last night at 2:30 AM I get a call from my daughter explaining that her visiting cousin, whom my daughter is with, was driving my daughter's car, got pulled over for not having the headlights on, then the police smelled alcohol, gave her a breathalyzer, she blew a .05,which in Colorado is DWIA or "driving with impaired ability". It's a lesser charge than DUI. They handcuffed her and took her to jail.

My daughter's boyfriend picked my daughter up, the policeman actually drove my daughter's car into a Taco Bell parking lot to avoid her car having to be towed or impounded (my daughter had been drinking too). I explained to my daughter that I would take care of this from here.

I called the jail, and they had no record of her being there. They explained to me that she was likely riding in a police car on the way to jail, and that "processing" takes a long time. The police have to process you, then the jail has to process you. The lady said that this could take 3 hours, so I couldn't do anything. I couldn't get her out of jail because she wasn't technically in jail yet, and from the way she explained it, she wasn't going to be officially in jail for several hours.

Naturally my first thought was "do I wake up her mom and tell her"? After thinking about it for a few seconds I concluded that it made no sense to wake her mom up yet, because there was nothing that could be done until she was officially "processed" and in jail.

I remembered my daughter telling me there were 2 police cars, so to me, that meant that the police were legit and it was highly unlikely that this was an imposter policeman (which does happen around here). So, I figured the girl is safe, I know where she is - she's in a police car on her way to either the police station or jail.

They did explain to me that she could be with the Boulder police dept, the sheriff's dept, another suburb's police dept etc., but still she was destined for the Boulder county jail.

The jail lady also told me that when the girl was "processed" and officially in jail, she would be able to make a phone call.

I figured I would just call about every 45 minutes, keep checking until she was "there", then I would wake her mom up, or maybe just go bail her out myself and bring her home. I knew they were leaving today, so I figured this lady would be better off sleeping, at least until we could do something to get her daughter out. The only reason I even considered bailing her out myself without waking her mom up, was because I knew there was some lying going on about what actually happened.

In between my every 45 minute calls, the girl gets processed, and calls her mom. I didn't know this, as I'm in the basement. I made another call, this time they said she was "processed", I asked about the bail, they said it was $300.00, I said I was on my way, they asked me what my name was, and would I like them to tell her this. Of course, I said "yes".

I went upstairs, getting ready to make that decision as to whether to wake her mom up now or not, and I notice my wife and the girl's mom are gone! I call my wife's cell, she tells me what I already know, the girl's in jail. They're on their way to bail her out.

When they get home, the lady goes ballistic on me for not waking her up a 2:30 when I knew. She starts going ballistic on my daughter, and I told her that if she wants to be angry at me, that's fine, but don't be angry at my daughter because she called me and I instructed her that I would take care of it, which I was doing.

Now they're meeting with a lawyer - she wasn't really drunk, yada yada, blah blah, the cops were mean to the girl, etc. My daughter admits they were both drunk.

When I realized how upset the mom was that I didn't wake her up, I apologized profusely to her. I tried to explain why. She told me she just cannot comprehend how I could not wake her up.

Is this a "men are from mars, women are from venus" thing? or am I just an idiot? what? I can take it if you guys think I'm an irresponsible moron and I did the wrong thing. I felt like saying to her "okay next time just leave instructions on what to do if your daughter get's thrown in jail for drunk driving, and I'll follow them to a tee.

Ok, I'm ready for my public flogging now.

Relic · #2 08-15-2008, 09:57 AM

"Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" thing for sure.
You were functioning on logic, mom was functioning on emotion. Personally, I would have woken her. It's her daughter so she's of course going to be hyper-sensitive to anything pertaining to her I'm sure.

KeithBMI · #3 08-15-2008, 10:03 AM

You did the right thing. My parents would've let me sit in jail for the night.

Liist · #4 08-15-2008, 10:11 AM

I'm assuming that the daughter was an underaged drinker? In that case, you should have left her in jail.

I believe it's the parent's responsibility to deal with children in jail, and I think you did an honorable thing for going above your duty and bailing her out.

BillyRay · #5 08-15-2008, 10:20 AM

Seems like you broke that poor woman's feelings : "My precious is in jail and you did not TELL ME ! How dare you ! Now in order to lessen my guilt I'm going to try to make you and your daughter feel bad !". Typical soccer mom reaction: cannot see that her daughter screwed up (hence the lawyer) and gets mad at you for nothing. I spent the night in jail in 2001 for a similar incident (not car related, but let's say I was plenty drunk) and my parents left me to rot in jail for the night.

So you did the right thing. She probably would have gotten mad for another stupid reason if you had woken her up at 2:30.

Skel · #6 08-15-2008, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liist

I'm assuming that the daughter was an underaged drinker? In that case, you should have left her in jail.

I believe it's the parent's responsibility to deal with children in jail, and I think you did an honorable thing for going above your duty and bailing her out.

For the record, it was actually her mom who bailed her out, but it was my intention to.

Sometime you just need a sanity check, and this helps. Even my wife thinks I'm a total jerk. The problem I see with this is, I know this lady is so unbelievably stubborn that our relationship is tainted forever now. That's really unfortunate.

invader3k · #7 08-15-2008, 10:22 AM

You made the right decision, in my view. All waking her up would have done is given her a couple hours to be emotional and panicing when nothing could have been done at that time anyway.

WickedPissah · #8 08-15-2008, 10:26 AM

You did the right thing. The mother should be thankful that the girl wasn't even that drunk and that you cared enough to save her some panicing. I know someone that drank herself halfway...no three quarters of the way to death. 3 o'clock that morning, her parents called my dad ( a doctor) for medical advice while they were at the hospital. We were in florida. That scared my mom something aweful. What a crazy couple of days that was.

TheDarkReaver · #9 08-15-2008, 10:29 AM

I think you should've woken her up. If it was the other way round would you like to have been informed at the time?

However, you did apoligise and your intentions were good. I would hope that your sister-in-law sees this and forgives you.

Skel · #10 08-15-2008, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheDarkReaver

I think you should've woken her up. If it was the other way round would you like to have been informed at the time?

However, you did apoligise and your intentions were good. I would hope that your sister-in-law sees this and forgives you.

Thanks, and I really did think about how I would feel if the roles were reversed, and maybe I'm just not a good thinker, but I really felt that I would have been fine with it, because it just makes sense. I wasn't trying to punish the girl either, or even try to assume the role of her parent. I was just trying to get her out as soon as possible and not have two people loose more sleep, but instead, have just one, the one who is already woken up.

People have an inate need to be understood. We all know this is why I wrote the thread. I wonder if she'll be on some forum getting her fix of understanding from the inhabitants of Venus.

I don't know why but I've really been noticing the whole Venus / Mars thing lately. Full moon or something.

wazzel · #11 08-15-2008, 11:08 AM

You should have woke her and told her what was going on. You had information that her kid had been arrested that is worth waking a person up even if they can not do something about it at that moment.

In reality she is probably just slighly mad at you but really mad at the kid. You are a better target for taking it out on than her own kid.

MakiSupaStar · #12 08-15-2008, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KeithBMI

You did the right thing. My parents would've let me sit in jail for the night.

+1. Seriously. Just stay level headed. You did your part, and it will smooth over eventually.

JKT · #13 08-15-2008, 11:15 AM

I gotta weigh in on the side of-if its my kid I need to know before everyone else knows.

But I get your drift and it isn't like there was a delay of many hours or days.

JKT

dave64o · #14 08-15-2008, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillyRay

Typical soccer mom reaction:

What an assinine comment

6jase5 · #15 08-15-2008, 11:27 AM

I agree that it was an overreaction on her part. She is looking to blame everyone but little nip nip. There was nothing that she could do at the time anyway.

It's like the mother worried sick that she can't find "her baby" and when she does, the first thing that she says is "I'm gonna beat your a.. yound lady!"

She'll realize eventually, and if not, you shouldn't have any guilt. My dad and I used to go pick up my big brother and his friends from jail. They had an obsession with muscle cars, rebuilding them, and doing time trials in the wrong housing developments. Whoops. The usual friends parents reaction was "Leave them there until morning, serves them right" and my brother and all of his friends came out just fine.

Don't apologize again, just makes her feel justified in freaking out on you.

zac2944 · #16 08-15-2008, 11:34 AM

You're cool Your sister-in-law is acting like a lunatic.

So your girls got busted for a DWAI. They probably had a beer or two, drove home when the shouldn't have, and will now pay the price and learn their lesson. BFD. They were safe and in custody of police. There was nothing to be worried about. They weren't in any danger. I wouldn't have woken the ladies up either.

IMO, if your sister-in-law wants to make an issue of this to the point where it would ruin family ties then she's a jerk. It is in times like these when families need to come closer together. Your daughters need your support and the family should work together to educate the about the dangers of drinking and driving. They made a poor decision that could have taken their lives or the lives of others, and your in-law is more concerned about the way you handled the situation. She's a lunatic dude.

zac2944 · #17 08-15-2008, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave64o

What an assinine comment

It is a generalization for parents who think their kids are golden and the rest of the world is wrong. Not a good thing to generalize, but I get his point.

**cheezewiz** · #18 08-15-2008, 11:49 AM

Well, as a parent, you probably should have woken up Mom and told her right away. Secondly, my sister in law hated me for all 17 years of my courtship/marriage. It ain't so bad!

Joe Gress · #19 08-15-2008, 11:55 AM

You did what you could, and you did what you thought was right.

D.Don · #20 08-15-2008, 11:57 AM

Nah, just ignore her, she's practically acting like a c-nt coz she has no other to blame for her being a bad mother not being able to teach her kiddo not to drive drunk.

Have a SERIOUS chat with your daughter, and explain that this will NEVER happen to her ...

Good luck m8!

D.Don