Need a little advice in a crappy setuation.

kserg · #1 12-26-2009, 02:41 PM

If a girl called you and told you her boyfriend hit her because she turn off the router during him playing a game. What actions would you take. She lives over the hill (so 40 minute drive).

Basically here is what i did... I sobered up in case I'd need to drive there at any point... I told her she has a place to stay in my house and several times asked her if she wants me to come over (keep her company, make sure she gets some of her stuff safely). She asked me not to on multiple occasions but i am not sure if it was because she didn't want me there or because she felt bad dragging me away on Christmas. At that point i just stayed on the phone with her and just kept her company that way. She got her stuff as guy left the house after he trashed it and was going to come over and stay at my place, but then she found out she had to work next day at 7, i talked her into going to somebody's house down in Santa Cruz so she is not around her and her boyfriends house. So she stayed at friends house i think she is ok (still have not heard from her today).

Crappier part is the guy is ex roommate of my close buddy and my buddies girlfriend is also one of my best friends. She asked me to not say anything to them, which so far i am keeping. Reason for keeping it is not so much because i promised but she made a good point, I was very close to driving over there and ****** the guy up (one of the reasons i didn't go) I know for sure if i told them, he would end up dead as i think i have a little bit more self control. Now I understand that he should probably end up ****** up, but i don't want any of them to get in trouble, she has a good point there, if i had a thought of getting my 9mm out and finding the ***hole cross my mind several times, they might have acted up on it.

Just want to know, how badly did i screw up by not going over there... also, what do you think i should do now. So far I am only person who knows about it and she doesn't want me to tell anyone. I am pretty sure it will get out. She was talking about leaving him, which i encouraged strongly, but she ended with "but he never done this before" and we all know what that means. What would you do from now, second day... I am right now just waiting for her to call/message back.

Sorry if this is hard to read, not in the mood for proof reading.

KeithBMI · #2 12-26-2009, 02:44 PM

I think you did the right thing by telling her you are there if she needs you. I don't think you should get too involved.

bassteban · #3 12-26-2009, 02:49 PM

Anonymous police call. *I heard some noise, etc* NOT saying I have complete confidence this is the best thing to do(what w/all the domestic violence cases ending in murder when the guy had a restraining order against him in place), all factors considered. You probably know better- think about it, ask here & elsewhere; IME putting thoughts into words makes it a bit clearer & then you're better-equipped to decide what to do.

maestrovert · #4 12-26-2009, 02:51 PM

the right thing to do....

....is always the right thing to do....

kserg · #5 12-26-2009, 03:05 PM

Just got a call back, she is ok... finished work and might go out with some friends to see a movie... I understand hitting someone is not the end of the world... I just hope she doesn't the scumbag back.

kserg · #6 12-26-2009, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bassteban

You probably know better- think about it, ask here & elsewhere; IME putting thoughts into words makes it a bit clearer & then you're better-equipped to decide what to do.

Ya, that's the hard part, people who i want to talk, she asked me not to.

Stinsok · #7 12-26-2009, 03:09 PM

Hitting a woman is about as low as you can get. No excuse and that douche will do it again.

MadMan118 · #8 12-26-2009, 03:09 PM

Well you can point her in the direction of help, doesn't mean shes going to get it though. The "he's never done this before" is crap most of the time, I wouldn't be surprised if there is already a long history or physical/verbal abuse already. She can seek help from law enforcement, shelters, and other organizations(not sure whats available in the Santa Cruz area, Google is your friend). the best thing you can do is listen and point her in the right direction. She's the only one that can save her self.

All that said I'm also not against beating the **** out of him, or throwing his sorry *** in the bay.

hdracer · #9 12-26-2009, 03:16 PM

I say, Get some or yours and her friends together and rat pack the scumbag

crayzee · #10 12-26-2009, 03:23 PM

I had a friend who had a really jealous, insecure boyfriend. He publicly punched her and shoved her up against a brick wall in a pub. She dumped his arse. Your friend should too.

If she stays with him, that's sending the signal to him that this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she's willing to get slapped around.

I would tell her to find another place to live and totally break things off with this guy.

And btw, a man hitting a woman over disconnecting a router IS a big deal. Maybe he's addicted to gaming (an actual addiction) or might even have anger issues. Like I said, she needs to leave and he needs to talk to someone about his issues.

Back'N'Black · #11 12-26-2009, 03:27 PM

Let me tell you a little story.

A female friend one night called me up and said her husband was being out of control, hit her etc, could I help her?. I am a construction guy and had been lifting weights for a while. Next morning I walked in their apartment and exploded on him, then literally threw him out the door. Ambulance came and took him to the hospital, broken ribs and a bunch of stitches on his face. I got a very serious assault charge which luckily got dismissed in court. I did the right thing right?

No I didnt, she turned out to be a lying manipulating POS. I would have never guessed what a piece of work she was. Not saying he was any better but you get the point.

RWP · #12 12-26-2009, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Back'N'Black

Let me tell you a little story.

A female friend one night called me up and said her husband was being out of control, hit her etc, could I help her?. I am a construction guy and had been lifting weights for a while. Next morning I walked in their apartment and exploded on him, then literally threw him out the door. Ambulance came and took him to the hospital, broken ribs and a bunch of stitches on his face. I got a very serious assault charge which luckily got dismissed in court. I did the right thing right?

No I didnt, she turned out to be a lying manipulating POS. I would have never guessed what a piece of work she was. Not saying he was any better but you get the point.

Word.

Pilgrim · #13 12-26-2009, 04:18 PM

Chances are that:

- She will be back together with him in a week or less
- The pattern will repeat
- The only way it will be broken is if he's in jail, which will require her pressing charges
- The previous step is unlikely to happen

I hate to be pessimistic, but that's the common pattern. If you ever hear another whisper of this guy coming back to her and raising his hand, call the cops immediately and get them on the way over there - no matter what she says. And don't get between them. Cops often get hurt when they take down the guy and the woman jumps on them for messing with him - even when he was just beating up on her.

kserg · #14 12-26-2009, 04:21 PM

Ok, got a txt from her saying if i want to i can tell my buddy (her bfs ex-roommate). I think i will... better them knowing now then later. He is going to stop by my house to chill in few anyway. This is a guy that i hang out with on daily bases and he is 1st or 2nd guy i'd call if i needed anything and i would be first person there if he needed anything.

Back'N'Black
And in this case, i believe her more so then him. He has history of flipping out and when i offered to be there when she picks up her stuff she said "no, because i don't want you to get in any kind of trouble". So she asked me not to do anything... I trust her over many other people. But yes, your story is the reason i kept from going over there and finding him. I really just wanted to go over there to make sure she is ok and he doesn't lay a hand on her again. I would not do anything from just "she told me" but if i saw it in person...... He would be over. Thanks man.

kserg · #15 12-26-2009, 04:22 PM

Thanks guys. Oh and sorry whoever sent me a PM - mail box is full, you can always email me, i would appreciate it.

Jim Campbell · #16 12-26-2009, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pilgrim

Chances are that:

- She will be back together with him in a week or less
- The pattern will repeat
- The only way it will be broken is if he's in jail, which will require her pressing charges
- The previous step is unlikely to happen

I hate to be pessimistic, but that's the common pattern. If you ever hear another whisper of this guy coming back to her and raising his hand, call the cops immediately and get them on the way over there - no matter what she says. And don't get between them. Cops often get hurt when they take down the guy and the woman jumps on them for messing with him - even when he was just beating up on her.

tru dat.....very often one or both of the parties like to drag others into the fray....i'll bet that lots of guys here have come to the defense of a girl only to have her turn on them,and make up with the abuser.....

this game is called "let's you and him fight",from a book someone wrote years ago called "the games people play"...at the time i had a hard time buying into it as it seemed too obvious,but after decades of watching people behave exactly like the book,i recommend it highly

MJ5150 · #17 12-26-2009, 10:11 PM

Gather up some information on local resources in her town that assist battered women and give it to her. Don't get over there with a gun or any intentions of violence.

-Mike

kserg · #18 12-26-2009, 10:46 PM

Yeah, I won't do anything irrational... It seems every time she gets a thought of going back to him, she calls me to talk her out of it. So far I did it every time. I told my buddy about it and told her that I will do so, explaining why I will do so. Later she called my biddies gf and told her all about it (she didn't know I was in the room.) which is good, I think I got through to her that she can't keep it a secret.

I heard the stories of girls turning on person who is protecting them... I don't think this is the case, just to let you know, 9mm thought was not to hurt anyone but more of protection if I had to go over there and he had a weapon.I am not going to murder anyone.

****** thing for us is she is thinking moving down south, if she does, I'll miss her a lot as would most of us and I am sure it would be hurtful for her. But she needs to get away from him in a bad way. If she moves to la

kserg · #19 12-26-2009, 10:59 PM

Sorry, and I'll continue, from what she told me even before, boyfriend she had down in la were also douche bags so I wouldn't want her going back to that. Strange thing is, she is extremely nice person, one of the best people I know, a little weak, which is why this #### went after her. Just made bad choices. She just needs someone who is not selfish self centered ###hole with control issues.

Oh and not being envolved is not an option at this point.

cassanova · #20 12-27-2009, 12:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kserg

Sorry, and I'll continue, from what she told me even before, boyfriend she had down in la were also douche bags so I wouldn't want her going back to that. Strange thing is, she is extremely nice person, one of the best people I know, a little weak, which is why this #### went after her. Just made bad choices. She just needs someone who is not selfish self centered ###hole with control issues.

Unfortunately, she needs to think all this. Doesn't really matter what you, I, or anyone else think she needs. Until she realizes this there really isn't much you can do. Hopefully one day soon she'll open her eyes and rid herself of the situation.

Quote:

Oh and not being envolved is not an option at this point.

Not being involved is still an option, you're choosing to be involved. Not that being involved is a bad thing but I would still keep some distance. I wouldn't go over there with guns blazing and beat the crap out of him or anything like that. I'd listen to what she has to say and be part of her support group. I'd also give her numbers to shelters, domestic violence clinics and things of that nature.