Need some advice about parents smoking...

mtizzle · #1 06-07-2010, 03:11 PM

Hey Talkbass

This may seem stupid - I guess I really just need the encouragement.

All my life my dad has smoked, and he hid it from my mom and me, but eventually she found out. I've actually known since I was really little, but I've kept it a secret simply so my mom wouldn't find out. A few years ago my mom started smoking, but she didn't tell me. She tries to hide it, but let's face it...it's impossible to hide a cigarette habit. I understand why they do it - they both have really stressful jobs - but them keeping this from me not only makes things really awkward, but really inconvenient. There are places in the house in which I'm not allowed to go, such as the medicine cabinet, where my mom keeps her cigarettes, and the back porch, where they smoke when they're both home. It's gotten so bad, whenever I need to ask my mom something, I have to knock on the door to the back porch to get her to come to the door to talk to me, as if that isn't an obvious sign that she's doing something she doesn't want me to know about...

Anyway, recently I've wanted to clear the air. I want to bring the fact that I know that they smoke to their attention (even though my dad already knows - this is mainly for my mom...) in hopes that this shadiness will stop, but I'm afraid that if I bring this to their attention, specifically my mom's, it will do more harm than good.

I understand why my mom has decided to hide this from me, but you'd think that after a year of college, she could start treating me more like an adult, even though I am her only child, so I will always be her baby...it's okay if something hurts, and it's okay if I don't support a decision that they make, such as smoking (even though I'm not entirely against it...I smoke hookah and the occasional cigar).

I guess part of it's for me, too. I'd like to be able to let them know that I smoke sometimes, too, and I'd like to be able to smoke my hookah at my house, not at the back of one of the vacant houses in my subdivision, while I'm home from college. I don't enjoy keeping this from my parents, either. I'm the kind of person that prefers to be up front about everything, especially stuff like that.

So, Talkbass, is it worth bringing to my mom's attention that I know what she's doing, and also letting her know what I'm doing, or should I just keep things the way they are now? Also, how would you guys go about talking to her? I'm afraid that when she finds out I know, she's going to be VERY upset with herself, as she's always tried to shelter me, and I don't want her to be. I'm just tired of this being kept under wraps.

Sorry for the long post.

MatticusMania · #2 06-07-2010, 03:26 PM

If I were in your position I would call my Mom out. Be blunt and just say 'Look, I know you smoke cigarettes, you don't have to hide it from me.' I'd make no mention of your own personal habits as I think the reason she hides it is so not to influence you. If she were to find out you smoke as well she might see that as a failure upon her part.

sloasdaylight · #3 06-07-2010, 03:32 PM

Yea, just be like, "Mom, stop treating me like I'm 12, I know you smoke, I'm cool with it.

**jmattbassplaya** · #4 06-07-2010, 03:33 PM

^ Yup.

Just be careful. Don`t come off as if you judge her, and don`t tell her you smoke. It`s not worth the hassle she`ll give you in the long run. Trust me.

mtizzle · #5 06-07-2010, 03:37 PM

Thanks for the replies, guys. If I was to call anyone else out on this, it wouldn't be as big of a deal, I'm just worried she's going to freak out and think she has failed as a parent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmattbassplaya

It`s not worth the hassle she`ll give you in the long run. Trust me.

I guess I just feel like if I keep it from her, I'm kind of doing the same thing, but I completely understand that it really isn't worth the crap I'll get in the long run.

LSquared · #6 06-07-2010, 03:45 PM

Both my parents were heavy smokers. As a teenager I thought it was really weird that they both tried to hide it from their parents. We'd be going to visit, and they'd break out the Lysol and spray themselves down.

I'm talking when my parents were early 50's, my grandparents were late 70's. It just deemed so...... juvenile.

rr5025 · #7 06-07-2010, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sloasdaylight

Yea, just be like, "Mom, stop treating me like I'm 12, I know you smoke, I'm cool with it.

Doesn't really work. I am 23 and a college grad and still am treated like a child. Just the name of the game til you move out really. Hopefully that day is soon for me...

I say go with the blunt approach just tell her you know she does it. Don't make it seem like that big of a deal.

mtizzle · #8 06-07-2010, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rr5025

Don't make it seem like that big of a deal.

Thinking about it, this seems to be the best approach to deal with it.

coffeeeebeeans · #9 06-07-2010, 07:06 PM

awe i know how you feel except my mom never hid it unfortunately there is not much you can doo they have to find the will power to stop on their own addictions are dumb

Pilgrim · #10 06-07-2010, 10:49 PM

There's nothing wrong with laying out what you know and asking her to stop. Just don't expect it to make any difference.

My mom smoked for 60 years and managed to believe that all the bad stuff was happening to others, not her - even when she lost a kidney to a tumor. Everyone in my family (4 kids) complained about it for a couple of decades - and it didn't make a dent.

She finally stopped smoking about three years before she died - when her doctor told her she was going to be on oxygen. Her real determining factor was that she didn't want to be living with an O2 tank - but of course she would have had to stop years (or decades) earlier to avoid that. She was on O2 for the last couple of years. If I had been able to convince her doctor to just flatly tell her she was headed for an O2 tank a few years earlier, she might have stopped when she heard that.

My mom was a wonderful, caring, giving, empathic lady and one of the finest people I have had the honor of knowing. But like any addict (and she was thoroughly addicted to cigarettes) she was capable of completely denying reality and seeing the world the way she chose to see it. Be ready for this.

MatticusMania · #11 06-08-2010, 10:36 AM

Pilgrim, I dont think the OP is trying to get his mother to quit smoking. I read it more like he just wants her to be open about it, and not try and hide it.

**Staccato** · #12 06-08-2010, 10:43 AM

It's not a sin (last time I checked). The majority of people 60 years of age smoked, or tried cigarettes at some point. You might want to have one of those (son takes charge) conversations with Mom while you're smiling. "Mom let's talk, please sit down...Please don't pretend that you don't smoke, and don't worry about me judging you-since I don't smoke...I love you...please don't pretend, okay?"

Scottgun · #13 06-08-2010, 10:49 AM

What are your parent's eating habits like and their physical exercise? You could be like, "You don't hide that heart-attack-on-bun bacon double-cheeseburger from me. Why hide the smoking?"

MakiSupaStar · #14 06-08-2010, 10:57 AM

Maybe you should be the one to suggest an exercise regime and a plan for you all to quit together. If they smoke, and try to hide it, then they know that it's not healthy. Perhaps you could get the ball rolling.

Pilgrim · #15 06-08-2010, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

Pilgrim, I dont think the OP is trying to get his mother to quit smoking. I read it more like he just wants her to be open about it, and not try and hide it.

Fair enough. The best way I know of to do it is to just start talking about it when the whole family is present. That puts it on the table...in fact, it plops it right down there. Just start talking about it in a way that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for her to ignore - and if she denies it, call her bluff and put it back on the table.

Subtlety is not only ineffective, but stupid and inappropriate in this situation.

Here's a way to open the door: "Mom, since you've been smoking for years, I want you to know how I feel about it."

This is NOT something to be polite or half-hearted about. If she keeps smoking, it will kill her. I'm not going to mince words about it. This is fair game for all family members to talk about, and there's no need to ignore a life and death topic.

Based on my earlier post, you can understand why I feel this way.

tZer · #16 06-08-2010, 12:08 PM

By hiding as they do, it seems to say that they either have deep seated self-loathing and are entirely ashamed (very possible) OR there's more going on than just smoking cigarettes - and the ciggs are a convenient cover.