Need some fairly serious family advise

Holy War · #1 10-30-2009, 11:15 AM

My parents divorced when I was seven and remarried other people when I was nine and eleven. My father had full custody of me and I grew up in his house.

My mom did not have any more kids with her new husband but my dad did, two in fact. My half brother was born when I was ten and my half sister when I was twelve. The problem is that neither of them know that I am indeed only their half brother, they believe we are full blooded relatives.

I love my step mom and she practically raised me along with my father. I started calling her 'mom' before my brother and sister were born and just accepted the fact that that was the role she was going to play in my life. I feel the same way about my siblings, they are my brother and sister by all means and I love them dearly. We had a fantastic middle class suburban life style growing up, a really picturesque American family by all means.

I am twenty four now and my brother is thirteen going into high school next year and my sister is eleven going into seventh grade. I just think it is really strange for them to not know at this point. My dad and step mom are really avoiding the issue and the ensuing conversation with them that is bound to come like the plague. My high school and college graduations, as well as other important events in my life, were kind of strange. There were always two seperate 'camps,' my dads side and my moms side, and they would share me and have their respective time with me away from the other 'camp,' if you will.

Anyways, what do you think should be done? I dont know if it is my place to tell them the truth or not or to just wait for my parents to do it? What would you do?

winston · #2 10-30-2009, 11:32 AM

I am not an expert on these matters.

However, with your half-siblings entering their teenage years I think it's better that they find out sooner rather than later, and from their parents. It's also not fair that you have to lead a double life to protect their secret.

If the kids find out by accident (which isn't too hard in the age of social networking and online everything) they could use it as an excuse to not be honest about their lives with their parents precisely at the time they're probably starting to experiment with sex, drugs, booze, etc.

I'd suggest going to a family therapist with your parents to figure what works best for everyone. Best of luck.

MJ5150 · #3 10-30-2009, 11:34 AM

This is a conversation the parents should have.

-Mike

WalterBush · #4 10-30-2009, 11:42 AM

This is something you should discuss with their parents, first. It's something they should be told before they find out some other way (and they will), but it's not something that I would want to lay on somebody without the consent of everyone involved; that's just asking for hurt feelings, or at least confused ones.

electracoyote · #5 10-30-2009, 11:43 AM

I'll offer my best advice, but first I'm curious about something.

As you were growing up together with your half-siblings, didn't they ever notice the other "camp?" Did they ever wonder about that, and who was that woman (your natural mom) in the other camp? I find it hard to believe they never picked up on that aspect of your life.

::::BASSIST:::: · #6 10-30-2009, 11:44 AM

Yup they do need to be told, but by their parents not you.

Really, they should have been told since early childhood, like 2 y.o. That way it would just be something they grew up with and they would accept it as normal. Now its going to be a big deal.

Didnt they ever wonder what was happening when you went to visit your birth mother? Seems strange to me.

Holy War · #7 10-30-2009, 12:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by electracoyote

I'll offer my best advice, but first I'm curious about something.

As you were growing up together with your half-siblings, didn't they ever notice the other "camp?" Did they ever wonder about that, and who was that woman (your natural mom) in the other camp? I find it hard to believe they never picked up on that aspect of your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ::::BASSIST::::

Yup they do need to be told, but by their parents not you.

Really, they should have been told since early childhood, like 2 y.o. That way it would just be something they grew up with and they would accept it as normal. Now its going to be a big deal.

Didnt they ever wonder what was happening when you went to visit your birth mother? Seems strange to me.

Theyve never met my or seen my mom. Usually when I went to go visit her it was easy to explain as me going on vaction/seeing a show/on tour/visiting a friend etc.

I do think it is strange too. Im really worried with my brother about it because he and I are extremely close. No matter the outcome, he and I will always best friends/blood brothers.

::::BASSIST:::: · #8 10-30-2009, 12:08 PM

Look man, anyway you slice it, you guys are still brothers... no matter what.

I have friends that I consider much closer to me and more important in my life than certain family members.

Dont sweat it.

electracoyote · #9 10-30-2009, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holy War

Theyve never met my or seen my mom. Usually when I went to go visit her it was easy to explain as me going on vaction/seeing a show/on tour/visiting a friend etc.

Interesting. So, let me get this straight: In all these years, there was never an event in your life where your natural father, step-mother, natural mother, and half-siblings were all in attendance at the same time?

Rocker949 · #10 10-30-2009, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ::::BASSIST::::

Look man, anyway you slice it, you guys are still brothers... no matter what.

I have friends that I consider much closer to me and more important in my life than certain family members.

Dont sweat it.

+1

superjesus · #11 10-30-2009, 12:44 PM

This sounds shockingly similar to the situation I grew up in. The only difference is that my family never hid who anyone's birth parents were. As far as any of my siblings and half-siblings care, we're all full-blooded siblings with each other. We're all family, no matter what. You're all family, too.

I can second all the advice that your siblings should already have been told about your mother. I've been in a similar situation regarding a secret of one of my parents. I wasn't let in on the secret until i was "of age." I should have been told all along. It only ended in me holding some serious resentments and trust issues for the better part of my teens and 20's.

Good luck with your situation. These kind of family situations can be very difficult sometimes. I wish you the best of luck.

Remember, the truth is always the right choice.

Jim Campbell · #12 10-30-2009, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holy War

My parents divorced when I was seven and remarried other people when I was nine and eleven. My father had full custody of me and I grew up in his house.

My mom did not have any more kids with her new husband but my dad did, two in fact. My half brother was born when I was ten and my half sister when I was twelve. The problem is that neither of them know that I am indeed only their half brother, they believe we are full blooded relatives.

I love my step mom and she practically raised me along with my father. I started calling her 'mom' before my brother and sister were born and just accepted the fact that that was the role she was going to play in my life. I feel the same way about my siblings, they are my brother and sister by all means and I love them dearly. We had a fantastic middle class suburban life style growing up, a really picturesque American family by all means.

I am twenty four now and my brother is thirteen going into high school next year and my sister is eleven going into seventh grade. I just think it is really strange for them to not know at this point. My dad and step mom are really avoiding the issue and the ensuing conversation with them that is bound to come like the plague. My high school and college graduations, as well as other important events in my life, were kind of strange. There were always two seperate 'camps,' my dads side and my moms side, and they would share me and have their respective time with me away from the other 'camp,' if you will.

Anyways, what do you think should be done? I dont know if it is my place to tell them the truth or not or to just wait for my parents to do it? What would you do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ::::BASSIST::::

Look man, anyway you slice it, you guys are still brothers... no matter what.

I have friends that I consider much closer to me and more important in my life than certain family members.

Dont sweat it.

out of respect for your parents wishes i would leave it alone until that changes or the siblings become adults.it's tough enough being a teen .....and who would benefit if you made them aware...certainly not them......

aborgman · #13 10-30-2009, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by superjesus

Remember, the truth is always the right choice.

...and there is the right answer.

hbarcat · #14 10-30-2009, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holy War

Theyve never met my or seen my mom. Usually when I went to go visit her it was easy to explain as me going on vaction/seeing a show/on tour/visiting a friend etc.

This seems strange to me for your dad and stepmom to go out of their way to deceive your half brothers about your origins. Typically, kids find out about this stuff in the course of events and it's not a big deal to anyone - it's just the way it is. Before you can do anything else, you need to ask them why they believe it was/is necessary to keep normally harmless information from these kids.

MJ5150 · #15 10-30-2009, 01:53 PM

How has the advice been so fair? Serious enough? Too serious? Should we lighten up or buckle down?

"Fairly serious" can sometimes be hard to nail down as people have different perceptions of the word serious.

-Mike

MakiSupaStar · #16 10-30-2009, 01:54 PM

What is your parent's reasoning for not telling them?

Stumbo · #17 10-30-2009, 02:02 PM

Similar to not telling a child he's adopted in the way that a very important relationship/person has been left out of the family picture. Since your mom is not related to your siblings, it appears that your "parents" have created a picture of a "super middle class family" w/o as many problems or concerns as others. Maybe to appear "better" than your neighbors or to create a picture of harmony or so that your dad doesn't have to explain that he is a "divorcee".

Whatever, it's a pretty dicey slope their on and w/o a logical foundation.

I'd say, talk to them and let them know your feelings, especially since it's wearing on you. If they don't want to go to counseling, maybe you can do it on your own. It's probably best to leave it up to them but that's something you should work out with them and your counselor.

Good luck.

jwbassman · #18 10-30-2009, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJ5150

This is a conversation the parents should have.

-Mike

I agree. But I would discuss this with them yourself and then find a time and place that is appropriate and you and your parents tell both of them and then you can all have a family discussion about it.

Balog · #19 10-30-2009, 02:12 PM

Talk to your Dad and step-Mom. They need to tell your 1/2 siblings the truth, and apologize for the deception.

If they won't, you need to. Lying is a temporary fix that makes life worse when the truth comes out.

Holy War · #20 10-30-2009, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hbarcat

This seems strange to me for your dad and stepmom to go out of their way to deceive your half brothers about your origins. Typically, kids find out about this stuff in the course of events and it's not a big deal to anyone - it's just the way it is. Before you can do anything else, you need to ask them why they believe it was/is necessary to keep normally harmless information from these kids.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

What is your parent's reasoning for not telling them?

Their reasoning is that they dont want them to regard me as a half sibling but as a full blooded, full fledged brother. Aparantly when I was young before they were born, I had a friend over at the house who was talking to my parents describing his family. He kept using terms like half brother, step sister, etc, to describe his family and it really turned off my dad and step mom. They made the choice then.

I just found this out fairly recently