no solution can help save me

dalconthenovice · #1 02-04-2011, 04:27 AM

i want to say this to somebody and since all my friends are gone for the day i had to say this to somebody, if only to help me process things out.
this isn't bass related, i wish it was

my girlfriend of 5 years passed away recently. we had been together since 06 and it was a very happy time. she had a great singing voice. i'm talking janis joplin meets patti smith meets taylor swift (i don't like taylor swift but it was only way i can put the puzzle together). we had started a little group called "pocket" that we were writing and had a demo complete and had played a few festivals around the seattle area. she loved me for who i was and at times i didn't appreciate her as much i should have..
she had some health issues though. she was a recovering anorexic and was going through this crash diet excersize routine that i tried to get her out of. (makes it sound more severe that it really was, but it could've gotten there) well she also had an arachnoid cyst in her head, which is basically a giant puss bag in her brain, well when she was at the gym a little accident occured.

she slipped into a coma and died a few hours later, all the while i was completely unaware, we had had a fight the night before.

she's gone now. and i'm having a real damn hard time coping with it all. i mean its not like we were married or anything, hell we hadn't been living together either. its just i really for truely that she was the one, and now i'm never going to see her again..

i'm sorry but i needed to pour this out somewhere..

ShredderMaximus · #2 02-04-2011, 04:43 AM

Wow man, incredibly sorry for your loss, sometimes life just isn't fair, I remember when I was back in high school a female friend of mine was killed in a car accident, and though we weren't best friends or anything, just the thought of such a beautiful life being extinguished so early really crushed me, I can't even fathom how you must be feeling

But you just gotta remember that you are still here and take the chance to live twice the life you would have, for you and her, don't you think thats what she would have wanted? And again, sincerest of condolences and best of wishes.

dalconthenovice · #3 02-04-2011, 04:46 AM

its a tremendous weight, i think the worst is over honestly, i was hysterical up until maybe a day ago, now it just feels like she's burned into my mind like a ****ing brand, i know we werent married but i spend the last two years thinking we were inevitably going to
thanks for listening

ShredderMaximus · #4 02-04-2011, 05:11 AM

Well from my experience with losing loved ones, trying to fight those memories back just draws out the pain for that much longer, the best thing to IME is to embrace them fully, even if they make you break down, when you try to put it on the back burner, its just a matter of time before things really boil over. When I lost my grandma 2 years ago, I didn't think I had anyone to talk to and just repressed everything, until a point that I just realized I'd made myself so emotionally distant that I felt horrible about myself and was in a bad way. When I finally let go was when I actually started feeling better, when I could talk to my grandpa again and laugh about how funny it was when my little 4'9'' Filipino grandma would try and say things like fax, but to the unaccustomed it would sound like "hey! your grampa is getting f***ed! I said he getting f***ed in his office!"

What I guess I'm trying to say is that while dwelling can be unhealthy, you don't want to try and force yourself to forget either.

MJ5150 · #5 02-04-2011, 07:31 AM

Hey man, not being married doesn't minimize the loss. You also don't need to be married to feel that close to someone as you did. It's cool you felt comfortable enough with all of us to talk about it, and I hope you gained a measure of peace from sharing your feelings.

What are the plans with the band?

-Mike

DwaynieAD · #6 02-04-2011, 07:38 AM

A very close friend of mine was murdered less than a month ago, it sucks.. There really are no words anyone can say that are going to make you feel better. the best I can say is it does hurt less in time

alot of people will say things like "we're going thru this together" or "i know how you feel" and as annoying as that is, because you aren't going thru it together and they dont know how you feel.. they mean well so try not to get frustrated with that

like i said, it hurts less with time. my solution, ymmv, is to remember the happy times.

Relic · #7 02-04-2011, 07:52 AM

Oh man..I'm so sorry to hear this.

Just hang in there. As far as handling this horrible loss - it'll never be easy, but it will get easier in time. We're here for you bro

Skitch it! · #8 02-04-2011, 08:20 AM

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, some things we get thrown in life have no lend to explanation or reason, which makes them so much harder to bare. Grieving is a natural thing, try not to turn it inward, it must come out. Time is a great healer, remember the days you saw together back when. Take it easy man.

macaroni tony · #9 02-04-2011, 08:27 AM

That's terrible.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know from experience that the suddenness of it all definitely adds to the sadness, and anger!

Celebrate her for the good life and times you guys shared together. Stay strong bro.

Lublin · #10 02-04-2011, 08:28 AM

My cousin was murdered in late 2010. There's no explaining these things and they're horrible to go through. My condolences go out to you. Pray (if that's your thing) and try to remain positive, although it's definitely easier said than done.

RIP

wilser · #11 02-04-2011, 08:43 AM

remember the good times. only way to cope.

Selta · #12 02-04-2011, 09:08 AM

My condolences to you. Just goes to prove that no one knows how long we'll be here, so we really should take advantage of our opportunities.
You can cry now because you miss her; you may smile later because you loved her.

bassteban · #13 02-04-2011, 09:34 AM

I am sorry to hear this.

RedCoatMonster · #14 02-04-2011, 10:02 AM

A friend of mine was killed less that two weeks ago by some thugs. We were friends since we were four years old, he was just 24. I also hadnt seen him in 2 years. I try to focus on the good times we had together and not dwell on how unfair it is. That and time are what will get you through this terrible time. Be strong, my condolences.

shadowtippy · #15 02-04-2011, 11:21 AM

You have my sympathy. I've been there, too. Things will get better with time, sometimes a lot of time, but hang in there and try to remember the good and don't blame yourself for "coulda, shoulda, woulda" things that you are feeling. Talk about it, let your feelings out, and accept the moral support from all of us here.

nsureit · #16 02-04-2011, 11:35 AM

We're glad you shared this with us so we can express our sympathy and support. However, try to seek professional counselling as soon as possible - at church or with a psychologist. If you have health insurance, it will pay for it. Or google "grief counselling" in your area.

My whole family did so when we lost someone near and dear. It really does help.

Bless you and good luck.

MakiSupaStar · #17 02-04-2011, 12:39 PM

i like to think of those memories of her that you keep having are her way of easing you through the grieving process as she settles into that place where she'll reside in your heart.

MatticusMania · #18 02-04-2011, 01:56 PM

Its been about 3 weeks since my friends girlfriend was killed by a drunk driver in a car accident. She had barely turned 21.

Im also sorry for your loss dalcon. Rest assured knowing that she always knew how much she meant to you.

warwick.hoy · #19 02-04-2011, 02:06 PM

Nothing to add other than you are in my thoughts. Keep your stick on the ice.

dalconthenovice · #20 02-04-2011, 02:13 PM

thanks guys, i appreciate the kind words

i'm going to be fine, i'm just going to be under alot of stress and anxiety for a while

i got a few good friends who are keeping me company frequently during this, at least long enough to overcome the initial processing of the emotions, but i'm going to be fine, just going to be moody for a while

i appreciate all your kind words, thank you