Not music related jokes?

[mid_life_crisis]

Is there a thread for these?

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty and, upon entering the ranchhouse, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly..
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and carefully placed it on the pile of clothes.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Jim Nazium]

A guy goes to a girl's apartment to pick her up for a date. She says, "I need a few more minutes to get ready. You can play with my dog, he knows all kinds of tricks." She goes into the bedroom, leavin the guy in the living room with the dog. The guy sticks out his hand, and the dog reaches up with one paw to shake hands. The guy makes a circular motion with his finger, and the dog rolls over. The guy makes a hoop with his arms. The dog back up, runs, jumps, goes through the guy's arms, out the window, and plunges 20 stories to the street.

The girl calls from the bedroom, "Isn't he great?"

The guy says "He seems kind of depressed."

[macaroni tony]

Lol awwwr

[Phalex]

What do you call a wood flooring salesman with one hand cleaner than the other?

[macaroni tony]

Did you hear about the home brewer that went into outer space?

[Phalex]

Took a break from making the bald man cry just long enough to post I see?

No, no I didn't hear about that. Tell me more.....

[Chad Michael]

Originally Posted by Phalex

What do you call a wood flooring salesman with one hand cleaner than the other?

A Roscoe luthier?

[Phalex]

Originally Posted by Chad Michael

A Roscoe luthier?

Nope.

A chronic ******bator.

[macaroni tony]

Originally Posted by macaroni tony

Did you hear about the home brewer that went into outer space?

Originally Posted by Phalex

Took a break from making the bald man cry just long enough to post I see?

No, no I didn't hear about that. Tell me more.....

Well he went to school, applied himself and eventually became an astronaut. It was a feel good story

[Phalex]

Originally Posted by macaroni tony

Well he went to school, applied himself and eventually became an astronaut. It was a feel good story

I don't get it.

[Kwesi]

Originally Posted by macaroni tony

Did you hear about the home brewer that went into outer space?

Subliminal lulz, ftw

[bassybill]

JOKES FROM GERMANY

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

[Skitch it!]

^ I can't buy it, these really are Jokes, seriously?

[EricF]

Originally Posted by Skitch it!

^ I can't buy it, these really are Jokes, seriously?

The important part is "from Germany". It's basically a statement that Germans do not have a sense of humor.

[Phalex]

Originally Posted by EricF

The important part is "from Germany". It's basically a statement that Germans do not have a sense of humor.

MacaroniTony is German??

[Skitch it!]

Originally Posted by EricF

The important part is "from Germany". It's basically a statement that Germans do not have a sense of humor.

I saw the origin, I just couldn't believe they could be 'that' bad, shocking excuse for humour, shocking

[EricF]

Originally Posted by Skitch it!

I saw the origin, I just couldn't believe they could be 'that' bad, shocking excuse for humour, shocking

I think you're still missing the joke.

[billiam5billion]

Mushroom walks into a bar, orders a whiskey. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

Mushrooms says, "Aw, c'mon, I'm a fun guy!"

[Skitch it!]

^^ Yes I must be, I actually thought it was factual first time through, I like it! : )

[Staccato]

I get it!