Odd situation - how would you have handled this?

[Relic]

Long story - A few weeks ago I had taken my son (4 years old) to a public playground that was pretty full of kids. I was just hanging out there watching him to kill time while my wife went shopping at a nearby store. So he's having fun, sliding down sliding boards climbing all over everything and such and just having a great time.

As I'm sitting there, a 30-something gal comes rolling up in a wheelchair with her apparently adopted daughter (her daughter was of a different race) I really didn't pay much attention but sometimes I do get a little uneasy because my son's at that age of: "question EVERYTHING as loud as you can" and I'm thinking that he's going to shout any minute: "look daddy, that lady's in a wheelchair, why is she in a wheelchair?!!" Which he's done before even though I've corrected him on doing this several times.
Well, from the corner of my eye, I see the gal in the wheelchair struggling to get out of it to sit on a nearby padded bench type thing with her daughter helping her. Just as she succeeds, I notice that this gal in reality had no lower portion. I mean literally that her body stopped at the waistline. I'm not sure if that's a severe birth defect/deformity like a thalidomide-type thing or she suffered some sort of massive horrible injury or something, but I really did feel an immediate pity for her even though I know that I shouldn't - she's a human being and no one to be pitied and all of course.
But then I started thinking about my son - I knew that as soon as he noticed that he would start to make a big deal over it and to be quite honest, I wouldn't know how to handle that. I see some kids starting to stare and I was half tempted to go over and sit down and talk to her to make her feel at ease, but then maybe she just wants to be left alone and for no one to make a big deal over it?? I don't know.. what did I do? I just non-chalantly told my son that we were going to take a walk and we left.
To be honest, I felt like a tool for taking the easy way, out but I'm curious as to how other parents here may handle a similar situation?

[sandmangeck]

If my daughter would have asked (3 on halloween) I would have just said that people are born different, and some people don't have legs. She would have gone back to swinging. I don't think you did the wrong thing though, just a different approach.

[macaroni tony]

If it were me (not a parent, just a father figure to a bunch of kids) I'd look over at the woman, offer a polite hello and see how she reacts. If it looks like she wouldn't mind a little company, I'd go talk to her and hopefully that would help make a new friend, as well as stop the kids from staring so much.
If she looks like she just wants some solitude, I'd say maybe one or two things to her, and go play with my kid after a short time before....taking a walk and leaving.
Going for a walk doesn't make you look like a tool at all IMO, but staring, trying to avoid her while still at the park, etc would have.

[::::BASSIST::::]

I have a 5 year old son, who from time to time (not often) does say awkward things in public. What I might have done is pre-emptively take him to the side, out of anyone's earshot, and had a short talk with him. I'd just tell him the truth about the wheelchair woman saying she either was born that way or had a terrible accident. Then I'd remind him that is not good manners to question these things at a loud volume as it might hurt the lady's feelings. Then I'd let him go on playing in the playground. Its natural for children to be curious as thats how they learn. Its fine for him to have his questions answered and in fact, its important for his growth. Its also very important he learn that we need to respect other people, not be rude, and do what we can to not her feelings.

Yeah, I think thats what I would have done.

[Let It Fall]

I have this problem ALOT.

I want to do somethings nice for people, but then I don't want to bother them.

Think of it this way. You can not do the good deed and wish you would Or you can do it and maybe be rejected by the other person, but there the one with the issue, and you can live guilt free because you tried.

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by ::::BASSIST::::

I have a 5 year old son, who from time to time (not often) does say awkward things in public. What I might have done is pre-emptively take him to the side, out of anyone's earshot, and had a short talk with him. I'd just tell him the truth about the wheelchair woman saying she either was born that way or had a terrible accident. Then I'd remind him that is not good manners to question these things at a loud volume as it might hurt the lady's feelings. Then I'd let him go on playing in the playground. Its natural for children to be curious as thats how they learn. Its fine for him to have his questions answered and in fact, its important for his growth. Its also very important he learn that we need to respect other people, not be rude, and do what we can to not her feelings.

Yeah, I think thats what I would have done.

Well, that sounds pretty swell, certainly the proper thing to do.

But, Ive gotta say it, I probably would have went on that walk too. Knowing myself, while explaining to my child about the woman in the wheelchair I probably would have accidentally pointed at her, and then she'd know I was talking about her, and that would make me uncomfortable. Im not very good socially.

[smeet]

I don't think you did a bad thing by taking a walk, but you did miss an opportunity to instruct your son on the diversity and variety of humanity.
Better for him to learn NOW that people are people. You don't want him to learn by embarrassing somebody when he is 12 or 15, which would be much worse.

Also, how YOU react to people with handicaps (or a different race or whatever) will teach your kids a lot. For instance, don't avoid contact with people that are different. People will understand if a kid asks questions, and I think for the most part they would appreciate a thoughtful explanation by a parent to a child.

All that said, I understand how difficult some situations can be. I guess in general, try to live the life you want your kids to emulate. And don't shy away from talking to them about these kinds of things. There are actually many kids' books now that deal with racial issues, same-sex parents, handicapped people etc., that can really help.

[macaroni tony]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

Im not very good socially.

ha ha! story of my life, man

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by macaroni tony

ha ha! story of my life, man

Seriously, Ive lost many an opportunity because of my social problems. Ive realized that, for quite a while now, I havent really been connecting with people. Not on all levels, and not all people, but more like the people on the fringe of my life, acquaintences and such. At some point I started disliking people on a massive scale, getting older or something. Ive been lightening up lately though, and thats a good feeling. Ive been trying to overcome my poor social skills by talking more to random stangers, rather than just keeping to myself.

[Relic]

Originally Posted by Let It Fall

I have this problem ALOT.

I want to do somethings nice for people, but then I don't want to bother them.

Think of it this way. You can not do the good deed and wish you would Or you can do it and maybe be rejected by the other person, but there the one with the issue, and you can live guilt free because you tried.

I hear ya. But the way my brain functions - as soon as something like this comes up, it goes into hyperdrive. Which is probably why I just walk away - I get so many thoughts at once that it gets hard to sort them all.
I looked over at the woman and she was intently reading a book at one point. So I'm thinking - she has this very obvious deformity but she's just a regular person like anyone else, so would I just walk over plop down and start talking to your average everyday gal when she's reading something? I probably wouldn't want to bother them. But then again, maybe she's reading as a "cover" and wishes someone would treat her normally? I would LOVE To do that. But then, what if she thinks that the reason that I'm approaching her is specifically because of her deformity and for no other reason. I don't want anyone to think that I pity them - I hate pity. So I go into "lock-down" mode. Funny isn't it?? Maybe I need Ritalin or something...

Then there's my son who questions everything - I really couldn't do what sandmangeck mentioned (good suggestion as it is) because my son "why's" me to death. "Some people are just born like that" son: "but why was she born with no legs??" "Because people come in all shapes colors and sizes just like I always tell you." Son: "but did her legs fall off or did she not have any at all??" and on it would go in earshot of her...

[macaroni tony]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

Seriously, Ive lost many an opportunity because of my social problems. Ive realized that, for quite a while now, I havent really been connecting with people. Not on all levels, and not all people, but more like the people on the fringe of my life, acquaintences and such. At some point I started disliking people on a massive scale, getting older or something. Ive been lightening up lately though, and thats a good feeling. Ive been trying to overcome my poor social skills by talking more to random stangers, rather than just keeping to myself.

Oh so you're just a big, fat meanie then!
The emboldened part goes for me, but more so b.c. Historically, I just haven't known how to interact with people all that well. Jon Lajoie has a song on funnyordie.com called "the normal guy rap," where in one part, he says "I get nervous in social situations, m***********!" Pretty much describes my life.

[Webtroll]

I tend to say hello to strangers but I'm also the living embodiment of "No good deed goes unpunished." Lately I've gotten better at shutting up in public.

[macaroni tony]

Originally Posted by Relic

I hear ya. But the way my brain functions - as soon as something like this comes up, it goes into hyperdrive. Which is probably why I just walk away - I get so many thoughts at once that it gets hard to sort them all.
I looked over at the woman and she was intently reading a book at one point. So I'm thinking - she has this very obvious deformity but she's just a regular person like anyone else, so would I just walk over plop down and start talking to your average everyday gal when she's reading something? I probably wouldn't want to bother them. But then again, maybe she's reading as a "cover" and wishes someone would treat her normally? I would LOVE To do that. But then, what if she thinks that the reason that I'm approaching her is specifically because of her deformity and for no other reason. I don't want anyone to think that I pity them - I hate pity. So I go into "lock-down" mode. Funny isn't it?? Maybe I need Ritalin or something...

Then there's my son who questions everything - I really couldn't do what sandmangeck mentioned (good suggestion as it is) because my son "why's" me to death. "Some people are just born like that" son: "but why was she born with no legs??" "Because people come in all shapes colors and sizes just like I always tell you." Son: "but did her legs fall off or did she not have any at all??" and on it would go in earshot of her...

You sound like ol' MT, overthinking everything....yeah lol it seems like you did just about the only thing you could in that situation

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by macaroni tony

Oh so you're just a big, fat meanie then!
The emboldened part goes for me, but more so b.c. Historically, I just haven't known how to interact with people all that well. Jon Lajoie has a song on funnyordie.com called "the normal guy rap," where in one part, he says "I get nervous in social situations, m***********!" Pretty much describes my life.

Not so much a meanie, just kinda crass and cynical.

[sloasdaylight]

I think from what you've told us i probably would have handled it in the same manner.

I'm kind of like matticus, or was anyways until I joined my band and just got to be much more easy going with people, but I understand very well the desire just to be alone from time to time. Besides, she could have been one of those people who has a bad attitude because she thinks everyone being nice to her is just doing it out of pity, or she could could have just wanted to have a semi normal afternoon with her daughter at the park. I don't have any kids of my own, but I used to volunteer with young kids (Kindergarten age to about 12) and I'm the oldest of a whole grip of cousins, from about 4 to 23 (me) so I kind of understand your predicament, and I think that you took one of the appropriate courses of action.

[Relic]

Originally Posted by macaroni tony

Oh so you're just a big, fat meanie then!
The emboldened part goes for me, but more so b.c. Historically, I just haven't known how to interact with people all that well. Jon Lajoie has a song on funnyordie.com called "the normal guy rap," where in one part, he says "I get nervous in social situations, m***********!" Pretty much describes my life.

Oh yeah same here. I'm kind of an odd dude when it comes to "socialness" for lack of a better word.
I am, and have always been almost cripplingly shy and awkward, yet at the same time I'm outgoing enough to be able to get along with and talk to almost anybody at any time. I'm like a walking contradiction, I can't really even figure it out myself.

[Radical Edward]

My daughters dad has only one arm. We would walk through stores and people would shoo their children out of eye sight or point and stare and some people flat-out just gave him disgusted looks as if he shouldn't be out in public or something. He may be an A-hole, but he's a human being and I think that that's all he wanted to be treated like. I think he'd be a better person today if someone had mustarded up the courage to simply speak to him and tell him that their son/daughter was curious and maybe he could talk to them. I'm not saying she would've expected the same thing, or even that it would've been appropriate, but I think that when you have a disfiguring disability you have to come to terms with the fact that people are going to stare, people are going to have questions, and children are going to wonder what happened. For instance, my little bro came over for the first time and he asked to be let outside to play, and when told "of course" he responded, "Thank you.. And I'm very sorry that your arm fell off."
He just chuckled about it and went on with his day. Children would walk up to him all the time at parks, stores, or whatever and just ask him, "Where's you arm?". But then their parents would see them talking to a one-armed stranger and quickly take them elsewhere..
My point; You shouldn't be afraid to speak about it with your child, even in front of her since I'm sure she'd understand and actually appreciate your explanation.
-My opinion, of course.

[Relic]

Good insight Mika.
In retrospect I really do wish that I would have talked to her. I'm still just not sure how my son would have handled it.

[EBodious]

Originally Posted by Relic

Oh yeah same here. I'm kind of an odd dude when it comes to "socialness" for lack of a better word.
I am, and have always been almost cripplingly shy and awkward, yet at the same time I'm outgoing enough to be able to get along with and talk to almost anybody at any time. I'm like a walking contradiction, I can't really even figure it out myself.

a socially awkward musician? say it ain't so! how many of us who are drawn to music are not extroverts....

if it were me, i would have ended up doing exactly what you did, over-analyzed like you did, and felt bad about it like you did. and then eventually given myself a break; another "teachable moment" down the drain.

you really can't account for other people and their reactions. just do what you think is best, and accept that you do what you can in that moment. 20/20 hindsight and armchair quarterbacking are only worth so much. often, its not what you do, but how you do it.

and a couple of random points:
i think smeet was rite on target saying that how you react to situations is what your kids will internalize. how you express love, anger, uncomfortableness, forgiveness and acceptance (of others as well as yourself).

i have learned that folks in wheelchairs consider the chair an extension of their bodies. so going up to someone and touching their chair is like walking up to a stranger and putting your hand on their shoulder. just something to consider.

kids who "why" you to death are highly intelligent. watch out.

[bwest9]

Originally Posted by Relic

I felt like a tool for taking the easy way, out but I'm curious as to how other parents here may handle a similar situation?

I would have gotten the hell out of there and called the cops.