Open letter to my inlaws

[guy n. cognito]

Dear "Mom" and "Dad",

Upon the event of your departure, I want to reflect on all life lessons you taught me during your stay, be it all so brief.

Thank you for making me appreciate the safety of my neighborhood. It IS obnixious that the builder put all those deadbolts on my doors, as they impede your ability to cross seemlessly between indoors and outdoors, especially at night when you are asleep. You're right, I do sleep better knowing that all doors are unlocked. Thank you for unlatching them when my reflexes get the better of me.

Thank you for taking steps to save the planet by reducing my energy usage. Bathroom vent fans are huge wasters of electricity, and they should be banned in all residential construction. By refusing to use them, you have done your part for mother earth. As a side note, thank you for teaching me that an adult man CAN create odors that can fill a 3700 sf house. Before, I would have thought you could only contaminate a single room, or maybe a floor, but not a whole house.

Thank you for exposing the government conspiracy surrounding the proper temperature for turkey. I apoligize for my inability to throw off the shackles of the nanny state by insisting that the vast majority of the turkey be cooked to 165 degrees, but I'm glad that you whipped off that thigh before I stuck the the turkey back in the oven. I'm sure turkey does taste better when it's still a bit undercooked, and I'm sure that the gastrointestional distress you suffered (see previous paragraph) was merely from overconsumption, not partaking in undercooked poultry.

I appreciate you teaching my children about the value of "home." Of course, I should know that you meant YOUR hometown, which is the only real home one could have. I understand that the place your daughter and I have lived for 11 years could never be considered home. You're right, I am deluding myself that my kids (or any kids) could be happy in Nashville. People just don't raise kids right in the big city.

I appreciate your warnings about the music industry, and how little money I could make. Until your lecture, I was seriously considering giving up my 20 year career, six figure salary, health care benefits and retirement to play music full time. I mean, no one owns FOUR basses unless they plan to go pro.

Finally, I appreciate saving me all the work of changing sheets, and pointing out the wastefullness of all those spare bedrooms. It's much better that you sleep on the couches running the tv all night, and it's not inconvenient at all when you try to sleep in until 9:00 in a house with two children under 5. They should know that they shoud stay in their rooms until you decide to awake. Your passive agressive sighs are completely understandable.

Enjoy your ride home. You'll be missed.

[Jazz Ad]

Sounds like a perfect Thanksgiving!

[()smoke()]

[Stinsok]

Sounds like "Everybody loves Raymond!"

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Ahh, a family holiday we don't have over here. Yay!

[sandmangeck]

That was awesome!

[JimB52]

When Inlaws go bad, they become Outlaws. I have several.

[Tat2dHeart]

Originally Posted by guy n. cognito

I appreciate your warnings about the music industry, and how little money I could make. Until your lecture, I was seriously considering giving up my 20 year career, six figure salary, health care benefits and retirement to play music full time. I mean, no one owns FOUR basses unless they plan to go pro.

I fear I may be in serious trouble. I have five basses now. Is this a red flag that my career may be in jeopardy?

[Dr. Cheese]

This year we stayed at home and my only adventure was learning how to use a turkey fryer. All I can say is yum yum!!!

[fo shizzle]

That was joyous reading. Thank you, Sir!!

[BIG97BEN]

Definitely sounds familiar. Thanks for the laugh.

[tastybasslines]

Dear parent who ignored me for my entire childhood:

You ignored me...and now I will ignore you.

I hope you die a quick death.

[Bloodhammer]

Every year I'm thankful that I'm not married.

[Martin89]

Your relationship with your in-laws is way better than mine.

[guy n. cognito]

Originally Posted by Bloodhammer

Every year I'm thankful that I'm not married.

Brother, sometimes I wonder how my wife ended up normal. I have never met two people that have less common than my inlaws. My MIL thinks that disposals are magic. She attempted to stuff the carcass down the drain, and was mad at me when I stopped her.

Being from Louisiana, they are huge LSU fans. My MIL, however, is convinced that she is a jinx, and cannot watch the games live or the Tigers will lose. So, my FIL watches the game live, and DVRs it for his wife, who watches it immediately after the game is over. She watched the whole game. With commercials. Do they do this in my bonus room, where they can talk to the players through the TV to their hearts content? No. They do it in my den, so that the whole family has to watch the game twice.

[LilRay]

Man Your Inlaws are nuttier than Snickers bars. Do they practice Voodoo? I mean how does someone conclude they can't watch a football game because their favorite team will lose? ROFL!!!! Tell her LSU will win every game if she never returns to Tennessee.

Thank God I'm not Married.



God Bless, Ray

[ugly_bassplayer]

Seriously, that is one of the freakiest things I ever heard.

Originally Posted by guy n. cognito

Being from Louisiana, they are huge LSU fans. My MIL, however, is convinced that she is a jinx, and cannot watch the games live or the Tigers will lose. So, my FIL watches the game live, and DVRs it for his wife, who watches it immediately after the game is over. She watched the whole game. With commercials. Do they do this in my bonus room, where they can talk to the players through the TV to their hearts content? No. They do it in my den, so that the whole family has to watch the game twice.

[MAJOR METAL]

That was quite funny, thank you for sharing.

[Munjibunga]

Feel better now?

[CapnSev]

My wife and I moved 800 miles from both of our families last month and went out to a fancy restaurant for Thanksgiving. It was pretty sweet.