Opening a can of worms

Joe Nerve · #1 11-03-2008, 04:06 PM

Facebook is a wonderful thing. Or not.

About 25 yrs. ago I was very much in love and was going out (for 2 years) with a girl who's boyfriend was locked up. He got out of jail, my life was seriously threatened, and I never saw her again. Heard a vague rumor about her taking her own life many years ago, but it was from one source and almost just a guess of what became of her. From time to time I search her out online but never find anything.

I just remembered her sister's name and found her on facebook. She has an old picture with the heading, "my favorite picture of me and my sister." Someone else commented that the pic brought tears to their eyes - so I'm guessing she's gone. I'd really like to know what happened.

I'm pretty sure the sister will remember me, but not certain. I was going to simply message her and ask, "remember me?", but my stomach went inside out.

Would you mess with this can of worms, and if so - how?

fenderhutz · #2 11-03-2008, 04:09 PM

1. Find a ten foot pole
2. Don't dare touch anything with it

mimaz · #3 11-03-2008, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fenderhutz

1. Find a ten foot pole
2. Don't dare touch anything with it

Great advice, except..................

the pole is not nearly long enough.

Don't even think about it.

**john turner** · #4 11-03-2008, 04:11 PM

assuming the girl's name was "sally", and her deceased (?) sister's (who i used to date) name was "kathy" i would write the following.

hello sally

i don't know if you remember me or not, but my name is joe and i used to be very much in love with your sister kathy. i lost touch with her twenty-some years ago, but to be honest i never stopped thinking about her - first love has a way of doing that

. anyway, i had heard that she had passed away, and i was hoping this wasn't true. if it is, you and your family have my deepest condolences, and if it isn't, tell her that joe said hi.

sincerely

joe.

or something like that.

DudeistMonk · #5 11-03-2008, 04:13 PM

I would send her a very caring message...something more than "remember me"

Hi __insert her name here__ this is Joe, I dated your sister ___ex's name here___ back in 20XX. I have this sinking feeling like something bad happened and I've been trying to track her down for awhile now. I found you and I would very much like to talk to you about your sister to get some closure on this chapter of my life and find out what happened to her.

-Joe Nerve

If you are more certain that she is deceased you can say some stuff like "share old memories" ext.

EDIT: John Turner is faster and more eloquent than I.

etoncrow · #6 11-03-2008, 04:15 PM

I agree with JT. You obviously have the nerve joe!

MatticusMania · #7 11-03-2008, 04:15 PM

I like JT's response better.

Chunk-O-Funk · #8 11-03-2008, 04:16 PM

Geez, that's a tough one.

One side of me (if it were me) says I would have to know.
The other says I've moved on and it's a giant can of worms.

I would have to know.

Have you tried searching the obituaries?

fenderhutz · #9 11-03-2008, 04:16 PM

Both of those emails could open up a hemorrhage if the lady hasn't passed on or it could bring back bad emotions for the sister.

Are you looking for another relationship or just to see if she died? If it's the latter, I am sure in time you will get your answer with some simple searches. Most records are forever cached in google if it was ever in an online paper.

Joe Gress · #10 11-03-2008, 04:18 PM

+1 turner's post. You can always just send a small message saying that you care. MOST (there are exceptions) people like to hear from old friends and know that people care for them.

DudeistMonk · #11 11-03-2008, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Both of those emails could open up a hemorrhage if the lady hasn't passed on or it could bring back bad emotions for the sister.

Are you looking for another relationship or just to see if she died. If it's the latter, I am sure in time you will get your answer with some simple searches.

If she hasn't died than yeah either letter would suck, that why I tried not to mention death in mine, but it comes out colder for it. For the record I agree JT's letter is better...The word "love" in the first sentence makes it very warm and personal.

I'm of the mind that if someone is gone that most people will be welcoming of a conversation about their loved one. It's a chance to keep their memory alive, find out more about their life (especially if you are going to give them good information, about how much you also loved the deceased).

It's also been years and while I'm sure it will be a bittersweet email I would think most people have moved on an accepted their loss at that point.

Pilgrim · #12 11-03-2008, 04:22 PM

I don't think there's anything wrong with a polite message that does NOT get into your emotional relationship - just says hello and asks what happened to the sister. After 25 years this shouldn't be a terribly big deal, even if she did pass away.

**Mark Wilson** · #13 11-03-2008, 04:24 PM

Go for it.

I probably wouldn't say you guys dated, at least I wouldn't.
I would just say I knew your sister many years ago.

**john turner** · #14 11-03-2008, 04:32 PM

i don't know about anyone else, but if i lost a sibling i'd like hearing that someone else's life was touched by them, that someone else cared for them. as long as it's not slimy or anything, letting her know that you loved her sister and were wondering about her would probably be welcomed. it's not like she's ever going to get over the death of her sister anyway - that's a scar that will always be raw.

fenderhutz · #15 11-03-2008, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by john turner

i don't know about anyone else, but if i lost a sibling i'd like hearing that someone else's life was touched by them, that someone else cared for them. as long as it's not slimy or anything, letting her know that you loved her sister and were wondering about her would probably be welcomed. it's not like she's ever going to get over the death of her sister anyway - that's a scar that will always be raw.

I still want to know the intentions before I recant my prior statement.

If it's just for info or what.

Why dump salt in a wound if you don't need to.

Stumbo · #16 11-03-2008, 04:59 PM

Look her up in the Social Security Death Index:
http://ssdi.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/ssdi.cgi
(you don't need the SS number)

fenderhutz · #17 11-03-2008, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stumbo

Look her up in the Social Security Death Index:
http://ssdi.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/ssdi.cgi
(you don't need the SS number)

Good show, chap.

It has my grandmother listed and she died on May 15th.

Joe Nerve · #18 11-03-2008, 06:20 PM

Search didn't turn up anything. Also missed a few people I'm sure are dead.

Think I'm going to go with the general tone of JTs post, but I'm still on the fence. I'm thinking back about a lot of things, the threats to my life, and the fact that if she is dead I believe she died not too long after we were forced not to see each other. I never knew what her feelings were regarding any of that, I know she was trapped by this other maniac who I think she may have loved.

I'm not looking for another relationship. I'm happily with the same girl for 12 years now. Would just like some definite closure as this girl was a huge part of my younger life. She turned me onto the Doors, poetry, politics... had me going to peace rallies over countries I didn't know even know existed. Opened my mind in a lot of ways that it needed opening.

WickedPissah · #19 11-03-2008, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fenderhutz

Good show, chap.

It has my grandmother listed and she died on May 15th.

That can't have everyone. No Elvis, no Cliff Burton, no my friend who died last february.

ImaStupidBaby · #20 11-03-2008, 06:40 PM

I think there was a Kevin Smith film about this very subject.

It didn't turn out too well for the protagonist.