Opening Line For My Senior Paper

Omnipharious · #1 03-08-2011, 03:51 AM

Everybody knows that the opening is what makes the essay. I'm doing the history of the guitar, and this is what I've got so far (I just want to see what you guys think of it).

"It’s been around for over four thousand years, influenced every genre of music imaginable, and traveled to, and been reinvented on every continent. No, not hanky panky; the guitar: the most known, varied, and ill-defined instrument to ever, seemingly, create itself."

I was going to just say "sex", but even though it's a "senior" paper, I didn't think the teachers would be too happy about my bluntness. I'm only worried that my teacher might not know what "hanky panky" is.

i_got_a_mohawk · #2 03-08-2011, 04:07 AM

How long is the paper meant to be (curiosity)?

I like the way you've approached the opening, maybe too informal for me, but it's been a long time since I've written anything other than science papers!

You could make reference to song lyrics for the likes of Stairway to Heaven etc and then comment on what's missing (ie, the guitar!)

"There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold and another that's got me on my knees, begging, darling please . . . where the heck's the guitar solo gone!?"

Then go into the history etc. Having a funny opener is often a good thing, but it depends on who is reading it.

That's pretty rubbish, but it's early and all that came to mind

Omnipharious · #3 03-08-2011, 04:10 AM

It has to be 2000 words, so... like 4 pages I think. I was thinking of making some popular guitar/rock culture references in it, but most of it will probably go right over the heads of the people grading it. And I usually try to put some humor into the opening, just to catch their attention, then go off into the droll schtick typing facts, and all that boring rot.

hrodbert696 · #4 03-08-2011, 04:18 AM

Sex has been around a LOT longer than four thousand years and I don't think that it's the first thing that's going to come to mind as the mysterious item that has "influenced every genre of music imaginable." Your teacher will know what hanky panky is, trust me. Is this high school senior essay or college, by the way? I don't know how your high school teachers are, in college I'd say students are a lot more squeamish about discussing sex than professors.

The "four thousand years" bit is also problematic, unless you're going to have a paragraph explaining what you mean. There are stringed instruments with sound boxes from four thousand years ago, the lyre and so forth, but they are not guitars; there's a difference between genus and species here.

In general, it's kind of convoluted and roundabout - make it simpler, clearer, and more direct.

As a prof, I hate students overusing the word "known," which is both passive and generic and doesn't really tell the reader anything. Known to whom? Made known by whom? Known for what?

Finally, I don't know how a guitar can invent itself, so I'd change that unless the essay is going to include a paragraph justifying the expression.

Back to work!

Omnipharious · #5 03-08-2011, 04:24 AM

High School.

I know sex isn't the first thing to come to mind, I'm just trying to make the paper less generic, and boring than what everyone else turns in.

I'm pretty sure if there's one thing that has influenced almost every genre of music, other than music itself, it's sex.

That was only the first line, this is the whole opening paragraph:

"It’s been around for over four thousand years, influenced every genre of music imaginable, and traveled to, and been reinvented on every continent. No, not hanky-panky; the guitar: the most known, varied, and ill-defined instrument to ever, seemingly, create itself. From the images of Fender Stratocasters, and Gibson Les Pauls that are permanently burned into our brains, to ancient instruments whose names you probably couldn’t pronounce, the guitar has ancestors in almost every major civilization since the Bronze Age. No other instrument has gone through as many changes, nor brought together as many cultures as the guitar."

I just like the "create itself" line, because I couldn't think of any other way to say that everywhere it goes it seems to change to fit the niche the people want it in.

i_got_a_mohawk · #6 03-08-2011, 04:24 AM

+1 on teachers being more clued up than you'd realise.

Don't like the "burned into our brains" or "you probably can't pronounce". The first one just sounds out of place, the second bit sounds pretentious.

Omnipharious · #7 03-08-2011, 04:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

+1 on teachers being more clued up than you'd realise.

As far as sex, I know, I just don't know if there so up to date on the lingo; as far as Rock & Roll, I guess that changes from teacher to teacher, but it seems that most of the ones I know will read it are more into gospel.

Omnipharious · #8 03-08-2011, 04:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

+1 on teachers being more clued up than you'd realise.

Don't like the "burned into our brains" or "you probably can't pronounce". The first one just sounds out of place, the second bit sounds pretentious.

I will take that into consideration. Any suggestions for replacements?

How about: "From Fender Stratocasters, and Gibson Les Pauls that you’ve heard played a million times, to ancient instruments you’ll never hear being played, the guitar has ancestors in almost every major civilization since the Bronze."

**dmonroe** · #9 03-08-2011, 04:34 AM

Find a better phrase than "Hanky Panky" and I like it. Something a little less slang sounding.

Omnipharious · #10 03-08-2011, 04:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dmonroe

Find a better phrase than "Hanky Panky" and I like it. Something a little less slang sounding.

I thought about just saying sex, but they do say it has to be "acceptable" by their standards, so I know that won't fly. I opened up an (internet) thesaurus, and hanky panky sounds the best to me. If I'm saying copulation, procreation, or fornication, I might as well just flat out say "sex." I thought about "the birds and the bees", but it just seems awkward there.

Simo98 · #11 03-08-2011, 04:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omnipharious

I will take that into consideration. Any suggestions for replacements?

How about: "From Fender Stratocasters, and Gibson Les Pauls that you’ve heard played a million times, to ancient instruments you’ll never hear being played, the guitar has ancestors in almost every major civilization since the Bronze."

From the humble Fender Stratocaster, seen in music videos and "Learn to" guitar packs all over the world, to ancient instruments that many have never even seen a picture of, let alone played..

Not to sure about the second part, just what came to mind.

What is the context of the paper? Who are you supposed to be catering for, as that should influence your choice of language used. Of course your teacher would expect to understand a majority of it and this is something you have to take into account, but if the paper is supposed to be an article published in a magazine of your choice or something, then i'd say feel free to chuck in a few industry related terms. Depends on the teacher.

Omnipharious · #12 03-08-2011, 04:46 AM

I like that. I'll see how that looks in the paragraph as a whole.

I don't really know to whom I'm catering, honestly. I'm in night school (because I slacked off for two years, and was way behind in credits), so I still have to do everything that regular high school students have to do, but I don't get as good of direction. I don't even have an outline of what it's supposed to be (what sources to use, what format to put it in, and all that), so I'm more just getting down ideas right now. Worst part is, for regular high school students, they have the whole semester to think about it, and write it. We were just told last Thursday, and it's due in 9 days.

i_got_a_mohawk · #13 03-08-2011, 04:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omnipharious

As far as sex, I know, I just don't know if there so up to date on the lingo; as far as Rock & Roll, I guess that changes from teacher to teacher, but it seems that most of the ones I know will read it are more into gospel.

I don't think hanky panky is new lingo either.

And you'd be surprised, they'll pick up most slang just by working around kids day by day.

Re- first paragraph, I could be wrong, but something just doesn't seem settled about it (to me). I don't like using "you'll", it just seems, as a reader, that you are stating it's something you could do (or have heard) that they couldnt, if you get where I'm coming from.

"It has been around for over four thousand years, having an influence nearly every genre of music. It's present throughout the world, with many cultures having their own interperatations of it. No, this has nothing to do with the birds and the bees; the guitar: the most known, varied, and ill-defined species of instrument to ever, seemingly, create itself. With a huge diversity, spanning from the common breeds, such as Fender Stratocasters and Gibson Les Pauls, which are widely present throughout popular culture, to ancient instruments whose names we struggle to pronounce, the guitar has appeared in almost every major civilization since the Bronze Age. No other instrument has witnessed so many interpretations, nor brought together as many cultures as the guitar."

Just a quick re-hash of your original. Tho I think the final sentance is a bit redundant. My creative writing isn't so great tho, so, yeah, just as an example of how I would tidy it up.

i_got_a_mohawk · #14 03-08-2011, 04:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omnipharious

I like that. I'll see how that looks in the paragraph as a whole.

I don't really know to whom I'm catering, honestly. I'm in night school (because I slacked off for two years, and was way behind in credits), so I still have to do everything that regular high school students have to do, but I don't get as good of direction. I don't even have an outline of what it's supposed to be (what sources to use, what format to put it in, and all that), so I'm more just getting down ideas right now. Worst part is, for regular high school students, they have the whole semester to think about it, and write it. We were just told last Thursday, and it's due in 9 days.

Ask your teacher. It needs to be done to know exactly what you are doing.

9 days is more than enough! I've gone through stages of pumping out 2x 2,500 word essays a night!

To make things easier, you know the word count, so break it up into sections, think of them as mini essays, and bring it together.

Edit - Something else to consider, it will probably be easier to write your introductory paragraph at the end, once the body has been written and you have the context of the entire work, in your mind.

Omnipharious · #15 03-08-2011, 05:03 AM

I'm going back in today at 4:30pm after I take my Econ. EOCT today at my regular high school, and I was going to ask for one of the sheets they handed out somewhere near the beginning of the semester.

I like what you typed up, it works a lot better. I think I'll use something closer to Simo98's like for for that second to last part though.

Thanks for the help. I'm obviously no writer, my brother is the one that got that gene, I just draw, and play guitar, and piano, and cook, and- well, I'm everything but the writer in the family.

**Pacman** · #16 03-08-2011, 05:08 AM

Don't ignore the fact, as someone else pointed out, that your statement is factually incorrect.

i_got_a_mohawk · #17 03-08-2011, 05:13 AM

^ that too.

Again, something else to ask your teachers, they may be expecting references if it's a senior paper.

Omnipharious · #18 03-08-2011, 05:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pacman

Don't ignore the fact, as someone else pointed out, that your statement is factually incorrect.

I'm not ignoring it. What I mean by it will be addressed in the next paragraph. The guitar can be traced back to the Spanish quitarra, and the Greek kithara popular more than four thousand years ago.

BassChuck · #19 03-08-2011, 05:30 AM

I don't know when I was born, and I'm sure I'll never die. Nearly everyone has heard me or one of my family since the dawn of time. I can sing any song, dance any dance, tell you I love you or hand out the hate. I am the guitar, and you will listen.

Omnipharious · #20 03-08-2011, 05:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BassChuck

I don't know when I was born, and I'm sure I'll never die. Nearly everyone has heard me or one of my family since the dawn of time. I can sing any song, dance any dance, tell you I love you or hand out the hate. I am the guitar, and you will listen.

That... is epic. I will definitely have to find a way to work that in.