Outside Opinions on a Relationship

[Musicschild17]

I've been dating this girl for 3 months now, well I guess was dating after tonight but we'll get to that, and I was under the impression until very recently that everything was fine. We live in different states at the moment but I'm moving to her location at the end of April, but not because of her, actually the reason I allowed myself to pursue the relationship was because I knew I would be moving there.

We would talk regularly on the phone and then slowly that started to taper off. I went to see her for 6 days and everything went pretty good, things were slightly awkward while I was there but I expected that, it was the first time I was in her space, we started dating where I live. So as time goes by after I get back our conversations start to change and she stops talking as much, to which I started asking her if she was alright but she would either say yeah, blame her roommate, or skirt the subject.

So 10 days ago I get a late night phone call where she is crying and confessing all of these issues to me that I had been unaware of. So I listened to everything she had to say and since it was really late kind of put it on the back burner until the following day, which was my mistake, I admit that. Well the next day comes and I call a mutual friend and he tells me that he has no idea what to think of it so I let it go for the day because she is acting normal and doesn't say anything about it, by the way she had been drinking the night she called me.

So 2 more days go by and still nothing is said but things are starting to get weird on the phone again. She finally brings up the fact that she's upset with me that I haven't tried to talk to her about anything she said to me, so I try to get started with the conversation a little bit but it doesn't get very far. The following day I explain to her that I didn't really want to bring up something negative with her at the moment because it was the middle of the work week, in which I happen to be working doubles everyday and am not getting any downtime, and because when I call her she's my one positive thing for the day and I need that. Looking back on it, that was stupid, while it was true, it was stupid.

So the next day I try to get her to talk, no dice. The next day I try again and she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it right now. The day after that she doesn't even take my phone call. Then I get an e-mail. In the e-mail she states all of the problems we are having and her concerns, etc. So I take a night, read it about 5 times, and tell her I'm replying to it so that I can take my time and make sure that I answer all of her questions and concerns. In my reply I touch on every point that she brings up and tell her how I view the situation, my opinion on the matter, and how I feel we can try to remedy the problem. I also brought up a few matters of my own. I call her the next day and she tells me that my reply was awesome, so I figured I would use that as a basis for how to go about approaching the relationship to see if it would work better.

One of the problems she brought up was that she felt like we spent too much time on the phone. So we figured instead of calling each other every time we are running errands or doing some minor thing we would wait to try to enrich the time we did get to talk together. Now I work 2 jobs, and I'm trying to move to another state, I don't get much free time when I'm not trying to do other things, so this meant that we were only talking like twice a day.

Everything was fine the day after, then yesterday we text most of the day and when I call her that night she just doesn't seem interested in talking. We were on the phone for 40 minutes and she barely talked, I tried several different topics and I asked her whats up and are you ok a few times to no avail. So today we text all day and I got about an hour and a half of free time. Well as I'm getting ready to call her and give her my undivided attention she texts me asking if we were ever going to have a meaningful conversation or if I was just going to continue to not call her.

When I do try to call her she refuses to answer and then starts sending me texts saying that its over. We did all of this via text message because she wouldn't take my calls, but over the course of a couple hours we argue about our lack of communication. She says that she's been trying to get me to talk for a while now but I wouldn't. She said that when she first told me everything over the phone I completely ignored her, which for a few days yes I didn't bring it up but I didn't know how serious it was because she was drunk when she told me and when I did try to bring it up she wouldn't talk about it. Then she accused me of sweeping her e-mail under the rug and putting a band-aid on the relationship. Lastly she accused me of only being willing to communicate when she picks a fight.

The whole time during this argument I kept as calm as I could and just tried to explain the view from my side, which in the end didn't work. I know this story is one-sided but I feel like I missed something or that I'm not really in the wrong here. I know that I messed up with the phone call and not trying to work things out then, but she's saying that this has been happening for over a month but I was unaware, and she only once said "I need to talk to you about us," that one phone call.

Sorry for the long post, but what do you all think? I don't want to say too much detail, I'm already kind of leery of posting so much information, but there is one thing that is pertinent, she has a medical condition that makes these situations difficult to handle. I knew that before I got into the relationship though. So am I missing something here? Or am I right in feeling that I did what I could to try to make this work?

[FreaqyFrequency]

I don't have much experience with dating, but when my friends want to talk about something, they want to say it in person. There is a bond established in person that cannot be established over the phone, so many nuances of communication that can't be expressed in any other way.

Just based on what I've read, both of you need to sit down and work out your communication errors. She needs to understand that you care, and that you're insanely busy, and tired during your free time, and you probably need to devote more personal time with her, rather than texting/phone calls. The face to face bond is a bond like no other in communication.

Anyway, my very cheap two cents, for all they are worth. I hope you two are able to sort things out.

[Hollow Man]

It's all about communication, man. For whatever reason, you guys just aren't on the same wavelength about your expectations.

She says she thinks you guys don't talk enough, you say when you are on the phone, she never talks or voices any problems until they've already welled up into something enormous. Basically, this is what a long-distance relationship is all about. I'm in one now (with my fiance), so I know how hard it is.

You've got to be able to effectively communicate to make it work, and although it's impossible for anyone on TB to decide who's right or wrong from your one-sided synopsis, more than likely, both of you have a hand in getting things to where they are now.

One of you needs to go see the other one and stay for a few days with the dedicated mission of having a few long, serious talks about the state of the relationship. You both need to be very, brutally honest about what each of you needs and wants to see if there's any compatibility. It may be that you are simply too busy for her to give her what she needs. Bottom line, you've got to learn how to speak honestly and directly with each other, because neither one of you has any clue what the other is thinking.

[middy]

She's bangin' someone else. She's looking for an excuse to break up with you long distance.

[AlembicPlayer]

get out while the gettin's good
no really, get out
and by that I mean

what middy said

[XtreO]

tl:dr

Possible to sum it up in a paragraph?

[Thor]

Psycho babe alert.

Get over the fence before the dogs get you.

[DaveDeVille]

Originally Posted by middy

She's bangin' someone else.
She's looking for an excuse to break up with you long distance.

Originally Posted by AlembicPlayer

get out while the gettin's good
no really, get out
and by that I mean

what middy said

yep ...
what they said .

[MakiSupaStar]

Yeah. Her behavior is evidence she's either already banging someone else, or is at least interested in banging someone else. Either way. Take away that which she craves the most from you. Your attention. Remove yourself from her life. Done. Don't answer calls, don't text her, don't respond to her facebook crap. Try it for one week. See what happens. It's time you put yourself in charge of this relationship instead of playing defense to her psycho craziness. If she doesn't shape up after this. Delete her.

[Dertygen]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Yeah. Her behavior is evidence she's either already banging someone else, or is at least interested in banging someone else. Either way. Take away that which she craves the most from you. Your attention. Remove yourself from her life. Done. Don't answer calls, don't text her, don't respond to her facebook crap. Try it for one week. See what happens. It's time you put yourself in charge of this relationship instead of playing defense to your psycho craziness. If she doesn't shape up after this. Delete her.

Yup.
You're Tinkerbell to her Paris.

[jwbassman]

Originally Posted by middy

She's bangin' someone else. She's looking for an excuse to break up with you long distance.

This is sadly the most likely scenario.

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Yeah. Her behavior is evidence she's either already banging someone else, or is at least interested in banging someone else. Either way. Take away that which she craves the most from you. Your attention. Remove yourself from her life. Done. Don't answer calls, don't text her, don't respond to her facebook crap. Try it for one week. See what happens. It's time you put yourself in charge of this relationship instead of playing defense to your psycho craziness. If she doesn't shape up after this. Delete her.

Maki's suggestion is not a bad one.

[mjolnir]

If your perspective is even half as objective as it sounds, there's definitely something going on she ain't telling you.

That said, Maki's advice is good stuff. Try it, see what happens.

[jwbassman]

This reminds me of a similar situation that I was once in. I was with this chick and she went away to school and the phone calls got awkward and less frequent. Same type of BS that you're dealing with. Well I went to her school to see her one weekend and my suspicions we're confirmed. She was either already bangin' a new guy or was planning on it. Well I did what any sensible man would do. I went out with some of my friends from HS that went to the same college and partied hard. My buddy brought his GF and her roommate. So I banged his GF's roommate later that night. Needless to say I easily forgot all about that other chick.

I'm not saying you should go out and find another chick to bang, but I am saying that it sounds like you're girl might already be there with another guy.

[MakiSupaStar]

Originally Posted by jwbassman

....
I'm not saying you should go out and find another chick to bang, but I am saying that it sounds like you're girl might already be there with another guy.

I am. Tap all her friends. Wait out that first week though.

[D Rokk]

Originally Posted by Musicschild17

I've been dating this girl for 3 months now, well I guess was dating after tonight but we'll get to that, and I was under the impression until very recently that everything was fine. We live in different states at the moment but I'm moving to her location at the end of April, but not because of her, actually the reason I allowed myself to pursue the relationship was because I knew I would be moving there.

We would talk regularly on the phone and then slowly that started to taper off. I went to see her for 6 days and everything went pretty good, things were slightly awkward while I was there but I expected that, it was the first time I was in her space, we started dating where I live. So as time goes by after I get back our conversations start to change and she stops talking as much, to which I started asking her if she was alright but she would either say yeah, blame her roommate, or skirt the subject.

So 10 days ago I get a late night phone call where she is crying and confessing all of these issues to me that I had been unaware of. So I listened to everything she had to say and since it was really late kind of put it on the back burner until the following day, which was my mistake, I admit that. Well the next day comes and I call a mutual friend and he tells me that he has no idea what to think of it so I let it go for the day because she is acting normal and doesn't say anything about it, by the way she had been drinking the night she called me.

So 2 more days go by and still nothing is said but things are starting to get weird on the phone again. She finally brings up the fact that she's upset with me that I haven't tried to talk to her about anything she said to me, so I try to get started with the conversation a little bit but it doesn't get very far. The following day I explain to her that I didn't really want to bring up something negative with her at the moment because it was the middle of the work week, in which I happen to be working doubles everyday and am not getting any downtime, and because when I call her she's my one positive thing for the day and I need that. Looking back on it, that was stupid, while it was true, it was stupid.

So the next day I try to get her to talk, no dice. The next day I try again and she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it right now. The day after that she doesn't even take my phone call. Then I get an e-mail. In the e-mail she states all of the problems we are having and her concerns, etc. So I take a night, read it about 5 times, and tell her I'm replying to it so that I can take my time and make sure that I answer all of her questions and concerns. In my reply I touch on every point that she brings up and tell her how I view the situation, my opinion on the matter, and how I feel we can try to remedy the problem. I also brought up a few matters of my own. I call her the next day and she tells me that my reply was awesome, so I figured I would use that as a basis for how to go about approaching the relationship to see if it would work better.

One of the problems she brought up was that she felt like we spent too much time on the phone. So we figured instead of calling each other every time we are running errands or doing some minor thing we would wait to try to enrich the time we did get to talk together. Now I work 2 jobs, and I'm trying to move to another state, I don't get much free time when I'm not trying to do other things, so this meant that we were only talking like twice a day.

Everything was fine the day after, then yesterday we text most of the day and when I call her that night she just doesn't seem interested in talking. We were on the phone for 40 minutes and she barely talked, I tried several different topics and I asked her whats up and are you ok a few times to no avail. So today we text all day and I got about an hour and a half of free time. Well as I'm getting ready to call her and give her my undivided attention she texts me asking if we were ever going to have a meaningful conversation or if I was just going to continue to not call her.

When I do try to call her she refuses to answer and then starts sending me texts saying that its over. We did all of this via text message because she wouldn't take my calls, but over the course of a couple hours we argue about our lack of communication. She says that she's been trying to get me to talk for a while now but I wouldn't. She said that when she first told me everything over the phone I completely ignored her, which for a few days yes I didn't bring it up but I didn't know how serious it was because she was drunk when she told me and when I did try to bring it up she wouldn't talk about it. Then she accused me of sweeping her e-mail under the rug and putting a band-aid on the relationship. Lastly she accused me of only being willing to communicate when she picks a fight.

The whole time during this argument I kept as calm as I could and just tried to explain the view from my side, which in the end didn't work. I know this story is one-sided but I feel like I missed something or that I'm not really in the wrong here. I know that I messed up with the phone call and not trying to work things out then, but she's saying that this has been happening for over a month but I was unaware, and she only once said "I need to talk to you about us," that one phone call.

Sorry for the long post, but what do you all think? I don't want to say too much detail, I'm already kind of leery of posting so much information, but there is one thing that is pertinent, she has a medical condition that makes these situations difficult to handle. I knew that before I got into the relationship though. So am I missing something here? Or am I right in feeling that I did what I could to try to make this work?

wall of text crits for over 9000

[Kael]

Jump out of the plane and pull the rip cord. Way too much ehf'ing drama.

[Joe Gress]