People who bully their families at home but are weak in public

Vince S. · #1 06-30-2008, 06:49 PM

My father has always been like this for as long as I can remember. Tonight he came home from work super-angry about something, and started off by insulting my mom's cooking at dinner, telling her that it was disgusting, etc. Stupidly, I opened my mouth to tell my mom about my shift scheduling for my second part-time job, and he went off on me. When I was younger, he used to actually get physical with me and my siblings, but now that I've gotten bigger than him, he resorts to verbal crap.

I work part-time over the summer at the company he works for, and I almost feel bad for him. He's extremely meek and doesn't stand up for himself at work, and let's co-workers and subordinates walk over him. That sympathy ceases though, when he gets home a raging wreck and takes it out on my family.

I do appreciate the fact that he pays my college tuition and is letting me stay at his home during the summer, but this is getting old.

fenderhutz · #2 06-30-2008, 06:50 PM

I remember you and your family from another post. You dad needs help and you need to move out. But since you said yourself you are of an Asian culture, do you think your dad will seek help?

I think you would only have one option at that point, move out.

Matt Till · #3 06-30-2008, 06:54 PM

Your dad is not a man. People like that make me sick, "My life (work) is ****, I'll take it out on my family." Have you had a "What the **** is your problem?" conversation with him ever? I might wait until your college tuition is squared away though.

Family abuse makes me really angry (I've never experienced it though), my girlfriend use to work at Wal*Mart, she said she'd see full grown men open hand slap their children across the face as hard as they can BECAUSE THEY NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM! If I saw that **** I'd open hand slap the guy, regardless of if it results in me getting beat up/jail time. I can't deal with that.

jokn388 · #4 06-30-2008, 06:55 PM

I'd be reluctant to move out. I'd feel like I needed to be there to make sure he did not get physical with the others in the family

Vince S. · #5 06-30-2008, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fenderhutz

I remember you and your family from another post. You dad needs help and you need to move out. But since you said yourself you are of an Asian culture, do you think your dad will seek help?

I think you would only have one option at that point, move out.

I highly doubt it, and not just because of the cultural stigma, but because he whole-heartedly believes that he is totally right and that when he says those things "it's for our own good". The reason he blew up at me tonight was because I was telling my mom about my second part time job, which is an EMT job. I got it much to their chagrin (if you remember my other thread), but my mom has actually been easing up a bit after much more discussion with her. My dad let me get this summer job because he figured it's just a summer gig that won't go anywhere, which is true. However, I also have to work at his office over the summer, which is how I witnessed his behavior at work firsthand.

I feel bad because I feel like I'm giving him a bad rap by discussing this here. He does work extremely hard to provide for our family, which is admirable, and is paying for my college tuition and letting me stay in his house. I just really don't like the way he treats my mom, my siblings, and me when he has a rough day at work. What's so frustrating is that since I work at his office, I see how others treat him, and I know what days to brace myself when he gets home.

Vince S. · #6 06-30-2008, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jokn388

I'd be reluctant to move out. I'd feel like I needed to be there to make sure he did not get physical with the others in the family

I should make it straight right now that AFAIK he has never raised a hand to my mother. He has beaten me and my siblings when we were younger, but now that all of us are grown (two of us in college, me being the oldest, and one in high school) he resorts to verbal abuse.

gdthomas · #7 07-01-2008, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vince S.

I feel bad because I feel like I'm giving him a bad rap by discussing this here. He does work extremely hard to provide for our family, which is admirable, and is paying for my college tuition and letting me stay in his house. I just really don't like the way he treats my mom, my siblings, and me when he has a rough day at work. What's so frustrating is that since I work at his office, I see how others treat him, and I know what days to brace myself when he gets home.

Not saying that it is the correct behavior or excusing it, but for some people that is the only way they know to act. I have noticed in my family and in the family of friends, that a lot of the "fathers" have no idea how to communicate and this is how they express it.

theNoseBleedKid · #8 07-01-2008, 09:42 AM

Sometimes there isn't much you can do but break the cycle that leads to this kind of parenting. I do hope you find a great solution to your family problem though.

**cheezewiz** · #9 07-01-2008, 09:47 AM

I usually see the opposite. Among my coworkers, the biggest "hardasses" at work, are the ones who are dominated by their overly bitchy and demanding wives at home.

jomahu · #10 07-01-2008, 09:51 AM

vince, that sux, man. i work with folks in abusive situation and it's always hard when the abusive person doesn't think that they're doin anything wrong....altho' i don't think that's the case, personally. logically, if someone was angry, they'll just blow up at anyone, not keep it inside and wait to unload on a partner/spouse/kids.

either way, i hope your moms is taking care of herself.

HEIST · #11 07-01-2008, 09:53 AM

I don't relate on the part about my dad being a door-mat at work because he is the boss of himself but I do relate on the whole 'takign everything out on the whole family', 'saying things that is totally uncalled for', and 'the total no-room-for-discussion self-righteousness' thing he's got going on. I can't stand it. He'd blow up about everything. Like how one time my mom didn't know what double-clicking on a computer mouse was, oh he was through the roof and didn't stop shouting for over two hours. He used to beat my sister and I as a child as well but stopped once we grew up. I don't hold that against him. I see it more as discipline than abuse really. I turned out to be a pretty good kid.

But I moved right out. I got the heck out of there and that poisonous environment and I can only empathize with my younger sisters as they tell me what's happening at home. We can't change our dads though, because they see their actions and words as completely right and justified.

bradjonesbass · #12 07-01-2008, 10:26 AM

Not trying to justify it, but until you're a father/husband overwhelmed by a stressful work environment you won't understand. He's got to find a more positive way of dealing with it, but stress and pressure do funny things to people's personalities. Try getting him to join you in a hobby or something that helps him release tension. Golf, woodworking, music, etc... Something that lets him work that out of his system so he's not boiling over at home all the time.