Physical Punishment of Children

[Sir Edward V]

Taking off of MM's thread, I was thinking we should get a poll on the subject going, as I just noticed the thread, I would like a more brief way of getting the collective views from everyone. I'm 20 right now, and I see myself having kids definitely within the next 10 years, maybe even within 5... I want to know if this is considered acceptable.

So this is voting 'yes' or 'no' on if you think punishing your children through physical means is acceptable in any environment, as long as it is done for the sole purpose of punishing them, and is not done in anger... and I guess we should include that you can't produce any marks (bruises, cuts, etc.).

Link to MM's thread if you haven't read it yet: Is it approppriate to hit your children in public ?

[casualmadness]

Well, I was physically abused by both of my parents as a child. And I don't mean I just got a spanking or slapped every now and then. I was beaten black and blue by two morons who had no business having children. It is never acceptable to hit a child. However, I will split hairs and say that I think a spanking is fine. But it should only be done for discipline, after the anger is long gone.

[Matthew Bryson]

Originally Posted by Sir Edward V

... and I guess we should include that you can't produce any marks (bruises, cuts, etc.).

So you're looking for a way to get physical without leaving any marks?

Maybe try "water boarding"?

[Eublet]

I think punishment is the wrong word to use. It's about setting boundaries, and helping the child to understand at a very early age that there are consequences to crossing boundaries. There are few ways to do that when kids are young that leave any kind of an impression on them. Most kids I've been around who were shown love and properly disciplined/corrected with spankings are very well-rounded, well-behaved, and enjoyable children. Most of the kids who weren't spanked are not. There are exceptions on both sides.

I don't spank because I want to punish my child. I spank because I want him to grow up responsibly. I strongly disagree with the anti-spanking movement. While their motives and intentions are often commendable, I think they are sincerely wrong on the subject

99.9999% of the time, I will not spank my child where anyone can see it though. I don't want to bring him shame as that would tear him down.

[Mark Latimour]

Originally Posted by Matthew Bryson

So you're looking for a way to get physical without leaving any marks?

Maybe try "water boarding"?

Well we all know waterboarding is okay. Unless, of course, you are a Japanese army officer during World War II

[seventhson]

fwiw, i think the poll should be restricted to parents, but whatever.

[Kitsapbass]

As both a parent AND a foster parent, I would have to say yes AND no. No meaning no hitting/spanking or physical abuse in any way would be the IDEAL - however, in many ways it isn't practical. Both my wife and I have really had to split hairs as far as this goes - when is spanking an acceptable form of punishment. In most cases it isn't. Sometimes we have had to punish our kids (by our kids, I'm referring to those born into our family - not ones that the state is having us watch) by spanking; mainly because of completely unacceptable behavior on their part. When the kids get into fights (with an 11 year old, 7 year old, and 3 year old boys - they don't last long), they are normally resolved by time outs - 1 minute per year of age - that most of the time does the trick; but there have been occasions where the oldest (who btw is the size I was at 15) has gotten physically threatening with both my wife and the other kids, I have had to.....well, all that time being on the wrestling team paid off. Again, not violence for violence sake, but making sure that no one gets hurt (except for pride in my son's case) is what is the most important. Most of the time everything is great, but sometimes you have to act like a parent, which means helping them make the responsible, sane choice - like not getting violent/misbehaving in a physical manner, because it can hurt/embarrass you too when it is your the victim instead of the perpetrator.

[69nites]

spankings are for extreme cases.

for example outright defy your parents=spanking

yell at mommy/daddy and refuse to sit in timeout=spanking

it's the fear of the spanking that does it moreso than the actual spank. You have to really hype it up and only use it when it's really called for for it to be really effective.

Mostly what I have used it for is a lack of respect shown for the parents. which IMO is the worst behavior a kid can have.

[NKUSigEp]

Some kids are pretty much good and just need some sort of verbal reprimand. Other kids might need video games and TV taken away. Others still might need a spanking.

And then there are the kids who just need a good old-fashioned whuppin'. I'm talking about wet leather belt across their behinds. And why stop with the kids? I can think of a few parents who need it too!

Originally Posted by 69nites

it's the fear of the spanking that does it moreso than the actual spank. You have to really hype it up and only use it when it's really called for for it to be really effective.

+1

[Eric Grossman]

My wife and I have agreed that we will discipline our children without spanking, hitting, etc... So far, so good.

[Mark Latimour]

[tova]

Originally Posted by seventhson

fwiw, i think the poll should be restricted to parents, but whatever.

I'm not sure, maybe there is one or another that not having children work/live in environments that can help them shape an opinion on the matter, don't think they are many but it seems that you could leave out many valid opinions. I'm a parent and I don't think I know too much about it, I just know I couldn't bring myself to lay a hand on my daughter. Maybe there are more qualified opinions from non parents than mine.

[hbarcat]

Spanking is one of many tools used to discipline children. Like any tool it can be used when it isn't appropriate. Like using a hammer when a wrench is required, damage can easily be done by ignorance or impatience.

There are also those who rule out the use of certain tools under any condition, like someone who uses only power tools for a job and doesn't own manual tools.




The final product always depends on the attitude and skill of the user more than the specifics of tools used.

[Joe Gress]

Originally Posted by seventhson

fwiw, i think the poll should be restricted to parents, but whatever.

'cause we all know what kids would say.

[disenchant]

My attitude on it is it can be used if used properly. And like anything, can be abused.

The point of parents giving punishments is to teach children about action-consequence. And to guide them with reasons they understand until they have the mental maturity to grasp the REAL reasons.

For example, a two-year-old may not understand the full consequences of not touching a hot stove. And the parent would not want the child to experience that full consequence. So for the two-year-old, they understand reaching for hot stove=mommy slaps hand. Later when they get older, they can grasp the real reason.

Hitting children in anger is always wrong. But spanking, used properly, can work. I have not noticed a correlation between kids who are spanked and are also violent on the playground. Usually it's the kids whose parents give them nothing but mild time-outs who are the worst.

And some kids are fine with time-outs etc. I know kids who couldn't care less about time-outs or having toys taken away. But a spanking, that's something they can remember.

The world will inflict physical punishment to those make mistakes or don't follow rules. Spanking is not much different, it's a physical consequence.

[afinalfantasy]

No. Abuse is abuse and it is unacceptable.

I was never physically punished as a child and I frown upon those who do that.

[wazzel]

Originally Posted by 69nites

spankings are for extreme cases.

it's the fear of the spanking that does it moreso than the actual spank. You have to really hype it up and only use it when it's really called for for it to be really effective.

Agree on this. You only need to spank enough for the kids to realize you will do it. After that the threats work just fine with an occansional reminder.

[Eublet]

Abuse is abuse. Spanking is not abuse.

Also, I agree that you shouldn't spank out of anger. I also don't think it's good to go around threatening a spanking all the time. As was mentioned here, stopping the child, sending them to their room for a few minutes, and having them wait it out for a while before coming in to deliver the spanking is the ultimate.

Also, I know a few parents who didn't spank until it was too late. They ignored it until the kid was near his teens, and then decided they needed to incorporate it to get a problem child under control. Too late at that point I think. I started spanking my child when he was a year old. Nothing that actually hut him of course. A pat on the leg when he threw himself back in a fit was all it took. He registered it as something other than affection and it makes the required impression. It's the alienation from the parent that causes them to understand causality, so time-out's can work for some things.

I will say that I just no very few children where were loved and spanked that aren't well rounded kids. Most of the screwed up ones seem to the those who were abused by being beaten or those who were threateneed yet never spanked at all. Not a scientific study of course, just my observation.

[HollowBassman]

Originally Posted by Eublet

I think punishment is the wrong word to use. It's about setting boundaries, and helping the child to understand at a very early age that there are consequences to crossing boundaries. There are few ways to do that when kids are young that leave any kind of an impression on them. Most kids I've been around who were shown love and properly disciplined/corrected with spankings are very well-rounded, well-behaved, and enjoyable children. Most of the kids who weren't spanked are not. There are exceptions on both sides.

I don't spank because I want to punish my child. I spank because I want him to grow up responsibly. I strongly disagree with the anti-spanking movement. While their motives and intentions are often commendable, I think they are sincerely wrong on the subject

99.9999% of the time, I will not spank my child where anyone can see it though. I don't want to bring him shame as that would tear him down.

+1

*Disclaimer* - I have no kids, and don't plan to have kids anytime soon.

[wazzel]

I'm sure you meant spanking. There all kinds of physical punishments other than spanking. Time out is a physical punishment, kneeling, sitting on the counch and my favorite standing in a corner with the kids nose in it (although that one freaks my wife out for some reason).