This is probably a bad idea but...

Visirale · #1 06-06-2008, 07:18 PM

I'm coming to TB for advice. Serious advice. Not the "LOL THIS GIRL DOESN'T LIKE ME," kind. This stuff is really taking a toll on me. I usually go to my parents, they're both professional level counselors... but this time the problems involve them and I don't know how to confront them about it.

That whole airplane thread made me really upset at first. My parents are big. Not overweight, they're obese. Not super obese, my Mom's brother is, but she's quite a far way from where he is. But they're both far from healthy. And despite what I said in the thread, they eat like crap. They go through stints of eating well... my mom has been doing better lately. But today my dad and I went to see a movie and he got a whole big thing of popcorn and smothered it in butter. I kinda cracked after that. They know what they're doing is bad for them. They don't have much time to exercise... they both work around 60 hours a week (at least) and by the time they get home they're emotionally and physically exhausted from work, and usually they'll just watch Tv for an hour or two until 9 and go to bed... wake up at 5 the next morning and repeat. To make matters worse, they both have type 2 diabetes.

I've been away at college, so I haven't noticed it as much, but since I've been home for the summer I'm seeing it again. I'm really worried. Is it selfish for me to want them to be healthy and alive to see my kids when I have them? I'm 19 but they're 50 and 51. I don't want to look into children until 30 or so and they'll be 60. And at the rate they are going, they are not going to be healthy at all by then. I look around and I don't see very many heavy old people. My uncle that I previously mentioned is morbidly obese, can barely get around, has diabetes and lost a kidney. He has dialysis a few times a week and really just leads a miserable existence. My dad just watched his mom die a slow death (not from anything she could have prevented) and I thought maybe that'd give them a wake up call... but they're just doing business as usual. I don't know how, but something needs to change fast... they both need to lose a lot of weight, then get healthy! One of my dad's brothers recently got gastric bypass surgery and is now as skinny as a rail, but frail as ever because he doesn't exercise or anything. My parents have looked into it before but are always afraid of the 1% or whatever number of procedures end up bad (read: death). I know it would be better for them to lose it normally, but frankly I don't know if they can.

I've been on here a lot more lately since I've had time off from school, and I know there is a lot of wisdom out amongst you all. I know there are a lot of smartasses out there too. Please, for this thread, maybe in this thread only in the history of TB, I'm sincerely asking you not to be an ass in this thread. Only reply if you have some serious advice for me. If you are going to try to be funny or make fun of fat people, just kindly press the back button.

How do I approach them about it? I know how it's going to end up... tears for both parties. But I need them to be healthy. I need them to be there when I get married. I need them to see my kids. I need them to be there to share both my successes and my failures with me. I don't want to have to bury my own parents when I'm 30.

So TB, I come to you... this is about the only thing not great in my life right now. For that I am both thankful, and crushed at the same time. Please help me out!

-Ted

Lalabadie · #2 06-06-2008, 07:29 PM

I don't know if you've told them what you're saying in this post, but that's pretty much what you should say. It's what you think and you expressed it well.

TheDarkReaver · #3 06-06-2008, 07:31 PM

well, hmmm. i suppose you should first prepare. do some research into healthy eating plans. i'm not talking dieting here, just sensible healthy eating.

armed with this information you must confront them, maybe even try getting other family members or friends in intervention style.

peterbright · #4 06-06-2008, 07:44 PM

Just being heavy is not as harmful as you might expect. Regular exercise and other factors (including heredity) play large parts. Obviously they know what they should be doing...you should encourage better habits without trying to lay on some heavy guilt trip.

tplyons · #5 06-06-2008, 08:01 PM

I'm in the same position. My dad is 53, my mom 52, and I'm 21. I'm not the HEALTHIEST person in the world, but my dad is far from it. Constantly snacking on everything, not working out, and he keeps gaining weight, coughing constantly, just not in great shape. No matter what I've tried, I can't talk him into eating healthier. He'll diet for meals, but then blows it away snacking all night in front of the television.

That's the problem in my house, television. Encourage them to turn it off and be social. Hell, a board game is more of a start than television. I'm not sure where to go from here though.

neurotictim · #6 06-06-2008, 08:08 PM

The Navy preaches a somewhat different approach to problem-solving - when you have a problem, go to your supervisors when you have a solution.

+1 to researching ways for them to get healthier, and presenting them with (essentially) just what you posted in the OP, plus a plan for getting them on track. It's a fine line between presenting them with a solution and being "too helpful" so tread carefully.

Also +1 to turning off the TV. Getting out for a walk, even around the mall, is a better pastime than turning on and tuning out.

Finally, IME, getting them to participate in healthier activities is easier when they have some sort of support group. Whether it's just you, or the local Y or rec center, there seems to be some success in group therapy, so to speak, as your parents are probably well aware.

Good luck.

MJ5150 · #7 06-06-2008, 09:13 PM

Been there dude....but with something else.....I begged and pleaded with my dad for 30 years to stop smoking. It drove me almost insane trying to help him. I cried, I begged some more, I pleaded about him seeing my kids, on and on and on. I think I got to the point where I annoyed him, and we would argue about it. Nothing worked until HE was ready to stop.

Dude, you have the most sincere intentions no doubt, just like I did. Your parents have settled into a lifestyle that you can not change, but you can keep trying to help them. Hopefully they will decide to make some changes before it is too late. My dad had two heart attacks and a stroke before he decided to stop smoking. He was 62 when he decided to finally stop. I'd like to take some of the credit for helping him do so, but I honestly did not. He finally one day decided to give up the cigarettes and so he did.

-Mike

Scarlet Fire · #8 06-06-2008, 09:15 PM

I'm sure you've looked into some of it already, but:

http://www.webmd.com/diet/tc/healthy-eating-overview

http://www.deliciousdecisions.org/ (American Heart Association)

http://www.eatingwell.com/

While it won't help you bring up the topic, it never hurts to come to a conversation armed with some extra knowledge.

Visirale · #9 06-06-2008, 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peterbright

Just being heavy is not as harmful as you might expect. Regular exercise and other factors (including heredity) play large parts. Obviously they know what they should be doing...you should encourage better habits without trying to lay on some heavy guilt trip.

Yeah, I think partly it's me just overreacting and being scared. My mom's been on weightwatchers for a while now and she's steadily losing a little bit at a time. My dad hasn't had too many health problems. He's just been focusing on keeping his blood sugar in check. I guess I just need to start being active with them. I have been running a lot lately and I guess I could go walk with them. They both swim a bit. My dad has even expressed interest in going to the gym and working out with me. At first I didn't think his schedule would work with mine, but now after thinking about it I think I should adjust my schedule however possible and take him up on that. They're not having mobility issues like all their brothers and sisters are, and I'm happy for that.

Thanks for the info, guys. I'm definitely going to try and inspire them to go in a better direction while I'm at home this summer. I'm moving out semi-permanently after this summer, so this is m big chance to help them. Also thanks for being mature... I saw the potential for this thread to just melt into the crap that inhabits a lot of OT.

-Ted

Robert B · #10 06-07-2008, 04:46 AM

I think your concerns are valid and I don't think you're overreacting. You did a pretty good job of expressing your concerns in this thread. May I suggest you send them a link and direct them to your post? I think they should know how you feel - it may encourage them to consider that their situation isn't only affecting them. Good luck.

RandomEvent · #11 06-07-2008, 10:46 AM

I actually have two opinions on this. The first one is that you are 100% right, and there is nothing wrong with wanting your parents to better their health. I think you should try your best to convince them of their bad health habits.

But, I also think that's as far as it should go. As full grown adults, they should be able to live however they want. The reason I'm saying this at all is because I've been in a somewhat similar situation. My mother has Meniere's, and about 3 years ago she had a lot of vertigo attacks, and once had to stay in the hospital for 4 days for temporary memory loss and almost having a stroke. Since my mother is a frail person, it was recommended that she changed her eating habits and work less. We both had a lot of fights about it, but in the end I finally listened to my mother. The message I got was, "I don't want to be stuck inside the house all the time, and I want to work." I kept trying to push my point of view on her, to stop work and get healthier. But I forgot that my mother is in her 50's, and has her own ideas about how she wants to live her life.

In the end, we made a compromise, and my mother started to work less. She has been healthier since then, but does experience a lot of dizziness. But she's willing to live with it, so I guess I have to also.

The whole point I'm trying to make is, you might want to consider your parent's point of view also? From what I understand, you said they KNOW they aren't healthy. While you should encourage them to change their health habits, I think it might be a good thing to understand WHY they choose their current health habits. Maybe that's just really how they enjoy living?

MakiSupaStar · #12 06-07-2008, 06:58 PM

Copy and paste what you wrote into a word document and print it out. Tape it to the refridgerator.

Lalabadie · #13 06-07-2008, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Copy and paste what you wrote into a word document and print it out. Tape it to the refridgerator.

If you find one that spells without the d it's okay too.

MakiSupaStar · #14 06-07-2008, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lalabadie

If you find one that spells without the d it's okay too.

kesslari · #15 06-07-2008, 08:26 PM

The note on the fridge, or a letter, are prolly better ideas than a conversation, which as you say can break into tears, get sidetracked, etc.
Letting them know you care and are concerned is actually pretty huge.
Beyond that, they're adults, it's their work to do (or not) to get healthier.
But sometimes, knowing someone cares helps get things going.
And calling out the elephant in the room (e.g., talking about the obvious thing that everyone is carefully *not* talking about) can make a big difference.

Good luck

warwick.hoy · #16 06-07-2008, 09:08 PM

Just wanted to throw this out there. How do you think your parents would take to a new hobby/sport? I have golf in mind (without the cart, push cart would be ok), but there are other low impact sports out there. Bowling, Folf, etc.

I have recently discovered it myself (with a little inspiration from Maki). My boss and I go out a play a round on weekends. I suck at it but it is tons of fun and I am getting better. Public courses aren't too pricey. Neither is a starter set of clubs. Anything to get them off the couch after dinner. Just a thought.

~James

Ericman197 · #17 06-07-2008, 09:36 PM

If they're really, really obese you have a few options:

- Gastric bypass surgery if they can afford it, and are willing to accept the risks and side effects

- Dieting. I'm all about Atkins, but it's up to them.

Neither is going to be an easy sell. The only way for dieting to work is if they want the change. I can tell you right now that the vast majority of diets fail in the long run, because it is a permanent commitment. I personally find Atkins to be the easiest to do, and the most effective for me. Don't waste your time with grapefruits and Hollywood diets, because those only work in the short term. They need to have a permanent plan, or they will likely revert to their old ways after reaching their goal (yoyo effect).

And MOST IMPORTANTLY, take it slowly. It's no use going to 800 or 1,200 calories a day. That kind of diet will make them crazy. On average, people gain about 1 pound a year after age 20 or so for the next 30 or 40 years. That's roughly 10 excess calories a day. Reducing their caloric intake by just a hundred, or a few hundred calories is something that is sustainable for life, and easy to do. Once they get used to the new diet, then reduce the calories a little more (remember, fat people burn more calories a day).

Yngwie 4String · #18 06-07-2008, 09:53 PM

You cant really change what they do man. Just take care of yourself. You can try to be tactful and just offer to go walking with them in evenings. Dont approach it like "Hey you guys need to get your fat butts in shape." Approach it like "Hey mom, dad lets get outside and do something."

i_got_a_mohawk · #19 06-08-2008, 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ericman197

If they're really, really obese you have a few options:

- Gastric bypass surgery if they can afford it, and are willing to accept the risks and side effects

- Dieting. I'm all about Atkins, but it's up to them.

Neither of those is particularly healthy though. They really need to approach a long term life style change, not a short term fix.

To the OP, approach them and tell them what you told us. It isnt selfish to shown concern about people, explain everything to them and if you have looked into some healthier eating plans, then show them to them etc.

Asa Samuel · #20 06-08-2008, 04:18 AM

I think it would take some guts to come out with all that just straight off and if you can do it well good on you but i think with problems especially concerning family you can just blurt it all out without hurting people, you need to try and tell them that they should start getting healthier but not just straight out, you could say "do you want to go for a walk with me?" before they put the tv on or "you two should go out together tonight" and then gradually get into things like "mabey you could start trying to get more exercise" or "you know, you really should start eating better" but instead of saying "more healthily" say "better" as its less of a direct attack on them being unhealthy.

Point out all those "health busting" and "local gym" adverts while they are watching tv and say it might be an idea for them to start getting more exercise, but rather than say "you should go to that gym" say something like "we should get some exercise really, do you want to go for a walk?"

If all else fails then you do just have to come out with it, but dont tell them straight out, try and lead the conversation into health and exercise first and then come out with it, and explain why you are feeling like this.

Let us know how it all turns out man.

Bass Junkie