Problems with gf's shyness

spade2you · #1 01-10-2008, 07:53 AM

So last night we went out and she met a co-worker friend of mine, whom I've known for almost 7 years. We talked shop most of the evening. Long story short, my girlfriend is very shy, but feels that everyone ignores her and was very upset. I hate to put the blame on her, but she always gets shy in public and never participates in the conversation. My friends and I are pretty talkative and nice, so it's not like we won't let her talk.

Any ideas?

Asa Samuel · #2 01-10-2008, 07:54 AM

Talk to her, not your friends, sometimes you need to ignore your friends if your girlfriend isnt talking.

Bryan316 · #3 01-10-2008, 07:58 AM

???

I hate women who are too quiet and reserved to live a normal social life. My buddy's ex was so closed up and introverted and shy, it was distracting. We'd not invite them to shindigs because we knew she'd make everyone uncomfortable with how quiet she is. We are a loud, energetic, rambunctious group of people. Quiet shy people do NOT fit with my crew.

I wouldn't be able to deal with it, man. I'm sure you love her, but she needs a good talking to, or I couldn't live with it.

Trevorus · #4 01-10-2008, 07:59 AM

You have to just tell her what's going on. Tell her to get in on it, but also help her get in the conversation. Get yourself some brownie points.

FunkSlap89 · #5 01-10-2008, 08:00 AM

I have a similar problem, but its with my gf and my parents... she's really shy around them because, well... they're kind of intimidating. Because of this, they assume she doesn't like them and doesn't want to be part of the family. And since they feel like this, it makes her even more shy, so its just a bad scene.

She's just uncomfortable around them... bring her around them more often, and things will get better

spade2you · #6 01-10-2008, 08:13 AM

In response to several things....

I bring her out a lot. About 90% of the time, she says 1-2 things a night. My friends are extremely inviting and we can talk about BS all day if needed. I guess she has made some improvement, but it still feels like she's uncomfortable in most settings with my friends.

At the same time, I don't get offended when my cop friends talk shop. I sit back and listen.

I dunno, it worries me because I'm your basic joker/party animal. I'm not trying to neglect her, but I make sure I talk to everyone.

Asa Samuel · #7 01-10-2008, 08:16 AM

If she seems like she's struggling talk to her, and her only, ask her if she's ok, and if you saying something to the whole group more direct it at her so she at least feels like she's involved.

Phalex · #8 01-10-2008, 08:26 AM

I talk "shop" with every musician I meet. My wife doesn't know a Gibson from a Fender. I'm guessing that's the reason she doesn't participate in discussion about gear, technique, and music in general. You might try not putting your girlfriend in socially awkward situations for a start. Try to stick to things she can participate in.

Posting naked pictures of her on the internet just might help her get over her shyness as well.

spade2you · #9 01-10-2008, 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bass Junkie

If she seems like she's struggling talk to her, and her only, ask her if she's ok, and if you saying something to the whole group more direct it at her so she at least feels like she's involved.

The sad thing is we actually try, but don't have much luch. I'd love to try to get everyone to talk about stuff she's interested in, but most of the time I wonder if she has interests.

mjolnir · #10 01-10-2008, 08:46 AM

Sounds like you need to be talking to her about all this.

bongomania · #11 01-10-2008, 08:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spade2you

I'm your basic joker/party animal.

Ah, key words there. Your basic joker/party animal assumes that everyone has the exact same social tools and tolerances that they have, but they're wrong. That's why square uptight people think jokers and party animals are boorish morons- they see the jokers as having no idea how to behave "properly" in a social setting and act like an adult. Pretty offensive to you, right, I mean who do they think they are judging you like that? But that same prejudice is what you're applying to the GF. You're saying "why can't she just loosen up and talk s%*+ with the crew if she wants to be more recognized?" But you're judging her by your own standards, not hers.

You gotta compromise. You have to make an effort to invite her into the conversations on her terms, not yours. And you have to do it repeatedly, maybe for months or however long it takes until she finds her own middle ground with your friends. If you aren't willing to do that, if you think compromise is lame or if you think making some forced PC effort to be inclusive is lame, then the relationship is doomed right now.

spade2you · #12 01-10-2008, 09:02 AM

In all honesty, it doesn't bother my friends or me that she's quiet. Quiet and pleasant is infinitely better than some of the girls who were loud and mean spirited. Regardless, the only reason I care is because this stuff upsets her. If I'm being neglected, I can entertain myself with a damn paper clip if needed.

bongomania · #13 01-10-2008, 09:08 AM

That's exactly what I'm talking about. It doesn't bother you, so what's her problem? Think about it.

spade2you · #14 01-10-2008, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bongomania

That's exactly what I'm talking about. It doesn't bother you, so what's her problem? Think about it.

LOL, quit confusing me. The 2nd cup of coffee hasn't quite kicked in yet.

I guess the inherent problem is her small comfort zone. When she gets scared, she totally locks up, which threatened the relationship a few times early on. I'm not saying I'm not afraid of anything, but I more/less grew up in a very high pressure environment where I had to get over my fears and not crack.

disenchant · #15 01-10-2008, 09:21 AM

Some people have better social skills than others. Being able to talk to a group of people is a learned skill--especially if it's a group of people who know each other and have a history together. Nothing is more boring than listening to people reminisce about something they all did together in which YOU have not been involved, or talk shop about something you don't know anything about or don't care about. It's not fun to sit there and not get the jokes. I can see why she'd be upset.

That being said, I have one friend who has no group social skills whatsoever. Even when we're talking about something general which she could participate in, she totally ignores the group, or tries to have a conversation with just me forcing me to ignore the group. So I don't bring her out with groups. Maybe you'll have to find other activities to do with your girlfriend.

Deacon_Blues · #16 01-10-2008, 09:27 AM

I feel ignored too sometimes like your GF did on that party but I count that mostly as my own fault.... I just seem to lack the charisma that the most talkative party animals have. Sometimes I enjoy following a conversation without participating too much myself, but if the subject isn't at all interesting to me, or I'm not very comfortable in the group of people, I'm not really enjoying myself. I guess most people count me as rather quiet, but in the right company discussing the right subjects, I can be very talkative. It totally depends. Perhaps your GF is a bit like me in this perspective?

EDIT: Could someone tell to me, a non-native English speaker, what "talk shop" means?

Bryan316 · #17 01-10-2008, 09:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phalex

You might try not putting your girlfriend in socially awkward situations for a start. Try to stick to things she can participate in.

How can you say such a thing? If they're just hanging out with friends in a normal, casual outting, how can that be considered awkward? He's describing completely normal social interactions!

bongomania · #18 01-10-2008, 09:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deacon_Blues

Could someone tell to me, a non-native English speaker, what "talk shop" means?

It means to talk about technical or specialized subjects that won't be understood by people who don't share the same technical interests. Like bassist buddies talking about their bass rigs while their spouses look bored.

Phalex · #19 01-10-2008, 09:50 AM

Conversation can be easily directed. If you talk about things she has no knowledge of or interest in why would you be surprised at her lack of participation? Try discussing the qualities of certain fabric softeners or dish soaps and I'm sure she'll come around.

spade2you · #20 01-10-2008, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phalex

Conversation can be easily directed. If you talk about things she has no knowledge of or interest in why would you be surprised at her lack of participation? Try discussing the qualities of certain fabric softeners or dish soaps and I'm sure she'll come around.

That should solve all my problems....or augment them.