Question to all you married guys (and gals)

jmattbassplaya · #1 03-25-2013, 10:22 AM

How/when did you know you had found the right person for you? Was it immediately obvious after meeting them or did it take some time to develop (if the latter, how long did it take)? Did it happen some other way? How did you know it was something more than just infatuation with the person?

blastoff99 · #2 03-25-2013, 10:57 AM

It took time for the relationship to develop. In our case it was about 4 years from first meeting to marriage. That may sound like a long time, and compared to others' experiences, it probably is. But we've been married almost 15 years, so it has worked out for us.

"Infatuation" never really played a role. We were deeply in love, but it wasn't an all-consuming sort of love. We still had our lives - both our own and our life together - and gradually we knew that we had found The One.

YMMV.

drews.anderson · #3 03-25-2013, 11:00 AM

I met her when she was two and I was six. We had our first kiss 16 years later, at an Eric Clapton Concert. Four months later I was in Copacabana Beach, at 5 in the morning; the sun was rising; my walkman started playing Living Colour's LoveRearsItsUglyHead and I realized she was the woman I would marry. We're together for 23 years now... simple as that.

alembicguy · #4 03-25-2013, 11:04 AM

Met my wife when we were 2 years old,and I have pics of us playing together over the years up till 10 years old or so then lost contact until we were 16 and married 2 years later. Been together for 28 years so you can say it wasn't over night.

echoSE7EN · #5 03-25-2013, 11:05 AM

I saw her across the common room in our dormitory my senior year. Nudged my roommate with some asinine comment about her. That was August. After some ground work, we started dating around March. I proposed (with 100% sincerity) in May. Not, "hey let's get married tomorrow," but basically, "I'm going to marry you. Watch and see."

14 years later and we're still happily together, with kids, and a good life. I still remember the outfit she was wearing that night in the dorm too.

Stewie26 · #6 03-25-2013, 11:08 AM

Hey Matt,

I think you asking one of hardest questions that one makes in life.
For me, I meant my wife when she was 16 and I was only 17. Looking back on it now, we were just kids. But the one thing that was different with her than other girls I dated was she truely became my best friend. We could talk and tell each other our deepest secrets without worry of being judged in a bad way. She supported and stood behind me and any endeavors I took on. My old man, rip, told me that she was a keeper and he was right. I married her when I was just shy of 22. We have been married 38 years and she is still my best friend and lover. The older I get the more I appreciate being blessed with such an awesome women. I think the secret to picking a life time mate is the best friend part. That is the key to a long term relationship. Hope that helps a little.

DwaynieAD · #7 03-25-2013, 11:11 AM

I was trying to take it easy take it slow, not label my relationship. you know all those things. then 4 months in I got her pregnant. It will be five years since I met her this May and we're getting married in September.

for me it was more about myself than the other person. I was married previously and spent years hoping she'd be what I wanted. It never happened. This made me realize the things in relationships that are absolutely important to me and the things about my self that I absolutely will not change.

I found someone that met my personal criteria and was fine with my own idiosyncrasies. the bonus is that while we may fight she we both feel that it's always worth it to work through.

very early on I told her "I can see us being together for a long time." and I guess I was right as we are getting married.

I guess the direct answer to the OP is I knew pretty early on.

Junk420 · #8 03-25-2013, 11:12 AM

My wife and I have known each other since we were 7. Dated through high school and now happily married for 5 years with a beautiful baby girl.

My brother met a girl online 7 years, they dated a month, married and now have a 5 year old son.

My sister married the man she made fun of for years while growing up. Now they've been married for 8 years and have 2 daughters.

Everyone is entirely different man. It will just kind of punch you in the head one day and you'll think to yourself, "how the hell didn't I figure this out earlier?"

slobake · #9 03-25-2013, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmattbassplaya

How/when did you know you had found the right person for you? Was it immediately obvious after meeting them or did it take some time to develop (if the latter, how long did it take)? Did it happen some other way? How did you know it was something more than just infatuation with the person?

Is there someone special you want to tell us about?

For me, I saw her at a 12-step meeting and turned to my friend next to me and said "That is the one for me". We would see each other around and flirt. There was a young peoples dance coming up (I was a young person then) and I asked her if she was going. She said "yes" . When I saw her there I went striaght to her and asked her to dance. The first song was "Start Me UP" by the Stones. There was no looking back after that. I was starved for affection and she gave it to me, I was in love and she could do no wrong for several years. We never even argued. Slowly my toothbrush appeared in her bathroom, then a few articles of clothes etc, etc. We got married after living together for a year. The honeymoon period eventaully passed and there was tough times. We fought and tried to figure things out, but we stuck with it. Now after 32 years we are more in love than ever and in a deeper richer way than the initial infatuation. There have been times when I pulled my truck in front of the house and it took everything I had to resist the urge to run, I am so glad I never did. Sometimes it's not all about finding the right person but also being the right person. My suggestion is to take chances and be compassionate about the people and things you love. I don't want to live "In quiet desperation" like the Pink Floyd song says. I also married a crazy (in a good way) Latin women who is very compassiontate about life.

**TimWatson** · #10 03-25-2013, 11:35 AM

If you have to talk yourself into it and make pro/con lists, chances are you should wait. If you put up with "little" red flags early on thinking they will get better in time and through different phases of life, DON'T. Be yourself and don't compromise on who you are for her. It will come back to bite you.

That all said, I don't believe there is necessarily "one" person who is for anyone. You build a life together and if the values systems and the same page of determination is there, anyone you are with or want could potentially become the one...

scorpionldr · #11 03-25-2013, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmattbassplaya

How/when did you know you had found the right person for you? Was it immediately obvious after meeting them or did it take some time to develop (if the latter, how long did it take)? Did it happen some other way? How did you know it was something more than just infatuation with the person?

When I looked at what I deserved over what I wanted. A week or so.

Dave in LB · #12 03-25-2013, 12:01 PM

I met my wife at a church bible study. Was still kind of in a relationship albeit long distance during college. And that relationship had been spiraling towards over. I kept looking at this girl and couldn't figure out why I was drawn to her. It took a bit and we became friends. Some time later she confided that the guy in our group of friends she thought she wanted turned out to be a dud and I was the one who fit the bill. I was seeing a different person at the time, but told her that if something were to happen in the future I wouldn't stop it from happening. Little did I know that would be later in the week.

We dated about 1.5 years before we were engaged and about 10 months after that we married. Coming up on 17 years and have a teenager.

God blessed us as we grew into our relationship. Each year gets sweeter. Focus on being the best person you can be, don't settle for good enough, and make certain your core values match. That is the biggest key to success. Everything else can be worked out. Also remember marriage is a 200% condition. You give 100% to make her satisfied and happy and she gives100% in return. Any less leads to breakdowns and failure.

hrodbert696 · #13 03-25-2013, 12:16 PM

We met at a Bible study Christmas party, my first time going. I was 23, she was 26. It wasn't love at first sight, but we wound up talking about medieval stuff, comic books, Star Trek, nerdy stuff, and I thought she was mighty cool. Her sister was pretty good-looking too, though, and I wasn't really thinking in dating terms at the time.

Over the next few months we would hang out a lot - going to museums, that kind of thing. We didn't think of them as "dates," but we found out later everyone else in the group was talking about us. It finally turned into dating five months later - it was Good Friday and April Fool's Day the same day that year - when I dropped her off at her apartment and had a sudden voice in my head, saying, "I really want to kiss this woman." So I did.

We were both trying to pretend it was just casual dating for fun and avoided using the "L" word for a couple months till we couldn't help it. Things moved fast that summer, we got engaged in September, and were married after a short engagement in December, on the exact one-year anniversary of meeting.

I wouldn't recommend moving that fast for a general principle, but that's how it worked out for us and we're still married 18 years later.

The thing to realize, in my opinion, is that what you need to figure out is not HER and whether or not she's "the One." What you need to figure out is YOU and you are a person who is prepared to commit to her. Once you're married, it's not over, done and settled. You have to constantly learn more about her, about yourself, and constantly recommit.

There's a sci-fi book called the Sparrow by Maria Russell with a great dialogue about this. A young man asks a much older woman about how her marriage has lasted so long, and she answers something to the effect of, "Over the last thirty years I've been married to four different men, and every one of them was named John Smith" (I forget the actual character's name). The point being that you change, people change, and living with that and making the decision to keep loving the person you committed to as they change is part of what marriage is all about.

nutdog · #14 03-25-2013, 12:54 PM

August-met.
December-first date.
March-proposed.
April-married.

As soon as I realized this

would say yes I proposed.

Then I sealed the deal ASAP before she came to her senses.

I also checked out her mother. That's your best indicator of who you'll spending your life with.

This was really a no-brainer. Quality chick. Blessed to call her Mrs. nutdog.

kasanovakarl · #15 03-25-2013, 12:57 PM

I think you just know. I met my wife after a gig - her cousin's friend was in the band that we opened for. We dated for about two and a half years before getting married (dated for about a year and a half before getting engaged). I just knew she was the one. I can't say exactly what it was, but it wasn't just an infatuation. It felt different than that. It wasn't like any other relationships that either of us had prior to this one. We've been married over five years now and have an almost one year old.

kasanovakarl · #16 03-25-2013, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nutdog

I also checked out her mother. That's your best indicator of who you'll spending your life with.

This. Here's are my father's three keys to finding a good wife:

1. Look at her mother - she'll look something like her when she gets older.

2. Look at her ankles - she'll grow into those.

3. Make sure she carries just a big enough purse to carry your junk for you. Too big is no good, that's high maintenance.

My suggestion would be take or leave #3 - numbers #1 & #2 are golden!

nutdog · #17 03-25-2013, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kasanovakarl

This. Here's are my father's three keys to finding a good wife:

My dad told me to marry a girl with small hands.

spade2you · #18 03-25-2013, 01:06 PM

Just remember, they're all hiding more than a little crazy until after they're married.

MonetBass · #19 03-25-2013, 01:10 PM

I consider us to be the exception rather than the rule, but my wife and I knew we were going to get married after our first date. We could talk so easily and had quite a few common interests. The physical attraction was already there, but the conversation cemented it. We met in August of 2001, I proposed in March of 2002, and we were married the following November.

One of the best things about my wife: she knows when to admit she was wrong (which isn't often, but she does.) Not a typical woman, obviously.

Marial · #20 03-25-2013, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slobake

I also married a crazy (in a good way) Latin women who is very compassiontate about life.

Same here, crazy-in-a-good-way Latin woman (Ecuador in my case).

We met online on Match. I'd been on one date with someone else and had another date scheduled with someone else after my first date with her. I had an inkling after exchanging emails with her that she would be the one, but once we met that was it. I canceled the other date I had set up. We started off with dinner and a couple of beers at an Irish pub in her part of town and then went to see a friend of mines band play, and then went for a final cocktail at another place. It turned into a six hour date. She moved into my house a few months later and August will be our second anniversary.

Like others have mentioned, we've had our ups and downs but not once have I felt like it was a mistake. We're in it for the long haul. As for 'knowing'... It's hard to say. I just knew, it felt right. Part of it was sexual chemistry but I more than anything it's that we would have been friends even if we hadn't gotten together. We're pals.