Quick favor?

[Joe Gress]

Could you guys/girls proofread this for spelling/grammar/readability?

For many people, dreams are a hard to reach and sometimes unattainable object that they give up on. For some, they are a challenge and an ultimate goal, and they work their hardest to reach them. My dream of becoming a professional musician has been with me since I started playing as an ultimate goal to work hard and achieve.

In 2001, my family and I moved to the Colorado Springs when my father retired from the Air Force. It was quite a culture shock as I was born in Germany, and had been living in Europe for the last twelve years. In the summer of 2002 I was looking for something that would take my interest. I went to a music teacher’s house and picked up the electric bass. After playing it for about a year, I heard the Colorado Springs Youth Symphony was looking for bass player, and having no previous experience with the double bass, I joined.

While playing with the youth symphony I quickly learned the art and technique of playing in an orchestra and working with other musicians. I traveled to many parts of Colorado on small tours where I learned the beauty of playing in front of people of all ages and backgrounds. I played with string ensembles for the first three years, and then with a full orchestra for the last two. I played in a quintet for the last year I was with the organization. I also played with a wind ensemble in the organization for two years as a bassist and was privileged to tour Japan with that ensemble. During the last two years I juggled working a part time job at a book store, playing in two different ensembles, and finishing up high school.

After I graduated from high school in the summer of 2008 my intention was to join the Air Force and take advantage of the GI Bill to go to school. I passed the entrance exam with flying colors except for my medical exam. Apparently I had a small (but significant enough) genetic hearing loss that would prevent me from joining the Air Force. I thought I was going to be able to continue work at my job at the book store, but I was laid off due to the economy this January.

I decided that now was the time to realize my dream of being able to learn more about my instrument and become a professional with it. I hope to be able to learn and grow as a musician, and to be able to share the joy of playing and making music with others.


Thanks a bunch.

[excane]

Originally Posted by joeinsprings

Thanks a bunch.

This looks correct to me.

[Jared Lash]

When do you need it by? I can give it a full review when I get home from work if you'd like.

On first glance, there aren't any major issues, so most of what I would suggest would be word/phrase choice changes ("been with me", "take my interest", "juggled") - mostly minor stuff.

[Joe Gress]

Not too terribly important, but I would say I have to turn it in by tomorrow or so.

[MakiSupaStar]

Looks good skippy.

[bongomania]

Originally Posted by joeinsprings

For many people, dreams are a hard to reach and sometimes unattainable object that they give up on. For some, they are a challenge and an ultimate goal, and they work their hardest to reach them. My dream of becoming a professional musician has been with me since I started playing as an ultimate goal to work hard and achieve.

These three sentences are awkward. They are not "wrong" technically, but they need re-writing for fluidity and clarity. For example, be careful with the word "they" because in each of your sentences there is more than one subject. Make sure that there is only one possible understanding of who/what "they" are in each sentence. In the third sentence, clarity can be improved by breaking it up into parenthetical expressions divided by commas; as is, it's hard to immediately see whether the goal is the subject which you want to achieve, or if the goal is "to work hard and achieve" for its own sake.

Everything else looks pretty good!

[MakiSupaStar]

Originally Posted by bongomania

These three sentences are awkward. They are not "wrong" technically, but they need re-writing for fluidity and clarity. For example, be careful with the word "they" because in each of your sentences there is more than one subject. Make sure that there is only one possible understanding of who/what "they" are in each sentence. In the third sentence, clarity can be improved by breaking it up into parenthetical expressions divided by commas; as is, it's hard to immediately see whether the goal is the subject which you want to achieve, or if the goal is "to work hard and achieve" for its own sake.

Everything else looks pretty good!

Yeah. There's a lot of "for" and a lot of "dreams". It's generally bad form to start two sentences in a row with the same word too.

[Jared Lash]

I'd agree with the idea that the rest of the paragraphs flow a lot better than the introductory paragraph does.

Also, to be technical, dreams aren't an "object".

I think you could strengthen the entire thing by redoing that opening from scratch.

Don't know if this will help you but I eventually got to the point (in college especially) where I would write titles and introductory paragraphs last. It seems like it helped to write everything else first and then have a better understanding of how to go back and roadmap it for the reader.

Just a general piece of advice.

[fo shizzle]

Originally Posted by TheBigO

I'd agree with the idea that the rest of the paragraphs flow a lot better than the introductory paragraph does.

Also, to be technical, dreams aren't an "object".

I think you could strengthen the entire thing by redoing that opening from scratch.

Don't know if this will help you but I eventually got to the point (in college especially) where I would write titles and introductory paragraphs last. It seems like it helped to write everything else first and then have a better understanding of how to go back and roadmap it for the reader.

Just a general piece of advice.

What he said...... Do a mild re-write of your intro and let it rip.