QUICK! Tell me something funny!!

[Relic]

It's been "one of those" workdays and I need a laugh. So in case there are others in the same boat, HURRY!! post some funny stuff in this thread!!

[Funky Ghost]

SOMETHING FUNNY!!

[Relic]

gawdammit! I KNEW some joker would just haaaave to do that!

[MatticusMania]

Ive got nothing funny to add, but wouldnt mind a good laugh right about now.

[Funky Ghost]

What?!?! * looks around innocently * Wasn't fast enough?

*whistles and walks away *

[WalWarrior]

My standup routine -

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[Funky Ghost]

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

[charlie monroe]

Where does a pirate keep his Buccaneers?
Under his Buccan-Hat!

[Phendyr_Loon]

The US government is not involved in any UFO conspiracy coverup.

[Bozendoka]

Last week, I was at a park and I saw something flying through the air. I thought it was a frisbee, but I couldn't be sure. I looked closer, trying to figure it out, and then it hit me.

[Bassmanmike1]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The bartender says "Hey buddy, what's up with the steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The Pirate says "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts"
Badoom boom.

[Relic]

lol keep 'em coming!

[fenderhutz]

THE SPICE MUST FLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Relic]

aaaa!! I said funny, not creepy!

[shadowtippy]

That reminds me very little of the waitress who asked herself, "Why do I have a tampon behind my ear, and what did I do with my pencil?"

[EdHunter]

It's ok guys, I got this...

Tim Vine Live At The Apollo - YouTube

[Funky Ghost]

Deductive reasoning is a lot simpler than many people realize. Just see if it isn't:

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day...
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

[Papa Dangerous]

[Demon_Hunter]

Happy Halloween!!

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by WalWarrior

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

I just texted this to all my friends.