Quit job and moving to be near daughter

hbarcat · #1 02-20-2008, 01:03 PM

After I was divorced seven years ago, our daughter has lived with me until last year, mostly because her mother has BPD and isn't easy to get along with. Last year our daughter wanted to try to live with her mother and her new husband 60 miles away in the city of Rockford Illinois, and I agreed that she could try, for the most part because she wasn't doing well in the small town school she attended and had few friends at home because we lived on a farm.

After reaching an agreement with my ex-wife and her husband and writing it up to make it legal, our daughter, 13 years old at the time, went to live with them and she has done much better in school this past year and has made lots of friends BUT... she isn't getting along with her mother and now, of course, she misses living with her dad, just like she missed living with her mom up until last year.

After some months of contemplation and numerous discussions with my daughter and eventually with my ex-wife and her husband, I decided to move to Rockford a few miles from their house so that our daughter could continue to go to the same school that she now attends and can also spend time with both me and her mother nearly every day, instead of the Mon-Fri with her mom and Sat-Sun with me as it has been (which usually SUCKS for children of divorced parents).

I signed a lease for an apartment a few days ago for the 1st of April and yesterday put in my notice at the place I've worked for the past 11 years and I've also had to quit the martial arts class where I've been training for the past year and a half (I'll really miss the place, the instructor is old school work ethic with modern, hard-core impact fighting methods). I'll still be able to play in my current band but I'll have to commute to practice once a week an hour each way. I'll be spending the next few weeks making phone calls and pounding pavement to secure a new job and from the huge number of decent listings I find by typing in "rockford jobs" on the interweb, I don't expect to have any problems finding one.

For me, moving from the country to the city is such an unlikely concept (I hate crowds of people and detest driving in traffic with a passion usually reserved for heads of state) and the only reason I'm doing it is to provide the best upbringing I can to my daughter given the situation as it exists with her parents split up and which she didn't ask for.

I guess the purpose of this post is to ask for comments from people who've done this themselves-- quit their jobs and moved to another city or town in order to be closer to their kids-- and to get some insight from anyone with an opinion on this.

fenderx55 · #2 02-20-2008, 01:12 PM

I'm sorry I can't help you with actual advice, but you're an awesome dad. Just thought you should know.

-Chris

Pilgrim · #3 02-20-2008, 01:15 PM

You have my great respect. I have two daughters aged 19 and 20, and I recognize the personal challenge and sacrifice involved in making a move like this.

You only have ONE family, and also only ONE self. Balancing the needs and wishes of all involved isn't easy. If your job skill and income level is portable enough to make this move, then you're a lucky guy. It probably will help your daughter (age 13 through high school is a really important period in personal development) and it's not forever. When she graduates high school - and hopefully goes to college - you'll have more opportunities to move, change your living situation, etc.

You, Sir, are a REAL man.

I'm looking at the reverse situation. Both my daughters are in college within 30 miles of here, and therefore my wife and I get to see them often. She and I are both administrators at a university and make decent money, but those jobs aren't very portable - they can only be found at universities. I have a standing offer from my alma mater to return, and I want to do it, but it's 1000 miles away. I've told them I can't do it until my daughters finish college, so I have three years to go. At that time, my wife and I will be faced with the decision about whether to move 1000 miles from our daughters in order to take the final step in our careers that we both want. It helps that they'll probably end up moving out of this area when they finish college, but I'm pretty conflicted about it regardless.

iamlowsound · #4 02-20-2008, 01:16 PM

I can't help you either, but you are doing the right thing. Also, congrats on actually working with your ex, most people can't even talk to their exes.

lowsound

TrooperFarva · #5 02-20-2008, 01:17 PM

Picking up and moving without a job waiting for you is a pretty bold move. I don't think I'd do it, but I don't have kids.

Mon Rominee · #6 02-20-2008, 01:25 PM

Goes to show you have your wits about you and your priorities in order. Good on you and best of luck in the future.

Mon

guitfiddle0409 · #7 02-20-2008, 01:35 PM

Congratulations for being a Real Dad. Your daughter should be really proud of you and I'm sure she is.

Bryan316 · #8 02-20-2008, 01:37 PM

A noble undertaking.

And let no one criticize you for doing so.

i_got_a_mohawk · #9 02-20-2008, 01:46 PM

Much respect for doing what your doing!

On the job front, I dare say its probably a silly question, but is there no chance of a transfer if its a bigger company? Maybe worth seeing if your ex-wife would be willing to send some local newspapers to you so you could be checking out the jobs section?

casualmadness · #10 02-20-2008, 01:56 PM

Yeah it's cool that you are doing this. Your daughter will appreciate it greatly. When my folks spilt up (I was in fifth grade) my dad moved off about the same distance you're talking about. I tried the weekends with him but as I got older, I got more involved in my own activities. I lived with my mom in a city and dad moved out to the sticks.The town he lived in didn't even have a super market and there was literally only one store in the entire town. As I got older, and got more involved in my life, I stopped going to his house as much because I had my own things happening. Well, he would usually put me on a serious guilt trip for not coming to his place. And yeah, I wanted to see him but I also wanted to be a kid and see my friends and be involved in my life. My dad's idea of a great weekend is ordering a pizza, driving over 20 miles into the nearest town to pick it up, driving back home and sitting in front of the television watching baseball until the wee hours and then going to bed. That was a typical weekend at his place. That's murder for a 16 year old.
So kudos to you for taking your kid into consideration and making the sacrafice. Most parents don't do that sort of thing.

rap138 · #11 02-20-2008, 02:03 PM

best of luck in your job search, you are a great dad.

hbarcat · #12 02-20-2008, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pilgrim

I'm looking at the reverse situation. Both my daughters are in college within 30 miles of here, and therefore my wife and I get to see them often. She and I are both administrators at a university and make decent money, but those jobs aren't very portable - they can only be found at universities. I have a standing offer from my alma mater to return, and I want to do it, but it's 1000 miles away. I've told them I can't do it until my daughters finish college, so I have three years to go. At that time, my wife and I will be faced with the decision about whether to move 1000 miles from our daughters in order to take the final step in our careers that we both want. It helps that they'll probably end up moving out of this area when they finish college, but I'm pretty conflicted about it regardless.

That's kind of where my ex and I are, and I'm SOOOO fortunate that she's as dedicated to staying nearby for our daughter's sake as I am; for all our disagreements, I respect her greatly for that. It's very likely that both of us will move out of state shortly after our daughter graduates high school. I have strong ties to Wisconsin and my ex and her husband both are anxious to move to Arizona. Our daughter knows this and it's actually a great incentive to her to get a good education and prepare herself for the self sufficiency of life after high school because she knows she won't be able to stay with mom OR dad once she becomes a legal adult).

Some friends of mine have said that we were being unreasonable in scheming to cut our daughter off so abruptly from a home base at age 18, but I disagree.

hbarcat · #13 02-20-2008, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

On the job front, I dare say its probably a silly question, but is there no chance of a transfer if its a bigger company? Maybe worth seeing if your ex-wife would be willing to send some local newspapers to you so you could be checking out the jobs section?

Good question, but it's a small mom and pop business with only 6 employees.

It's also a business that I've long ago topped out in as I haven't gotten a raise in about five years (because realistically, I'm already getting as much as it's possible for a person in that position to make). A job switch at this point is no hardship (even though I do like the company and the people I work with) and I'm certain to make more money in my next job. I have three years of University physics/engineering but no degree so a professional career isn't an option. I DO have numerous skills in some very employable trades so finding a new job isn't really a concern, and I've already been checking out dozens of leads for openings and jobs are plentiful in and around Rockford.

I've always said this about the United States: If you're capable of work and are willing to show up on time with a good attitude, you'll always be able to pay your bills and live a comfortable life, regardless of your level of education, as long as you can be frugal and spend wisely.

kydnav · #14 02-20-2008, 02:31 PM

i_got_a_mohawk · #15 02-20-2008, 02:32 PM

Good plan

And, well, never know, do they have cousins with a buisness

If you already have 3 years of university, you must have been close to graduation, even if it was with an ordinary degree (ie, not hons or titled). Possibly worth trying to catch the last little bit that needs to be done, part time? Of course, after getting a job etc.

hbarcat · #16 02-20-2008, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by casualmadness

...When my folks spilt up (I was in fifth grade) my dad moved off about the same distance you're talking about. I tried the weekends with him but as I got older, I got more involved in my own activities. I lived with my mom in a city and dad moved out to the sticks.The town he lived in didn't even have a super market and there was literally only one store in the entire town. As I got older, and got more involved in my life, I stopped going to his house as much because I had my own things happening. ...

This is a good point.

My daughter only has weekends to hang out with her friends outside of school and I know that the reason she wanted to live with her mom is because she didn't have friends "in the sticks" where I live. I also know that when she visits me on weekends she does so at the expense of her friends and it's going to be harder and harder to compete with that in her 3 years remaining in high school. By living close to her I can see her in the late afternoon or early evening for a couple of hours, enough to help her with her homework, give her a bass lesson (yep, she's a bass player like her old man.

), or just talk over dinner, and still get her home in plenty of time to be with her mom. They both agree that it's easier for them to get along with each other when they're not stuck in the same house all day every day except for the time she's in school, and if they get a break from each other for a few hours several times a week, it's probably a benefit to their relationship.

Illbay · #17 02-20-2008, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hbarcat

I guess the purpose of this post is to ask for comments from people who've done this themselves-- quit their jobs and moved to another city or town in order to be closer to their kids-- and to get some insight from anyone with an opinion on this.

God bless you, my brother.

I did NOT do this - and now I wish with all my heart that I had. I won't go into my story; suffice it to say that some regrets you live with bitterly every day of your life.

With God's help, you won't have to do that, as I have done.

Godspeed.

buzzbass · #18 02-20-2008, 02:40 PM

Now that's what being a great dad is all about. Kudos to you sir.

**Thor** · #19 02-20-2008, 02:41 PM

You have my respect and best wishes. Good luck.

hbarcat · #20 02-20-2008, 02:46 PM

I just wanted to point out that for the past few months I couldn't stop thinking about the hypothetical story of the old man on his deathbed who is asked "What would you have done differently?" No matter how successful or accomplished that person is he NEVER says, "I wish I had spent less time with my children."