relationship question

ssbass · #1 11-06-2009, 07:24 AM

I just wanted to get some opinions on this situation.So I will start out with a little background.

I have been seeing this girl for 6 months. We are both in our thirties. When we first started dating she informed me that she was friends with an X, no big deal. I told her that as long as she was upfront with me and didn’t do things behind my back I would be fine. I also said that it was important to me that she invites me out with them, so we could all be friends and I didn’t think it was right if she scheduled plans with him when I wasn’t available. She proceeded to tell him this and he flipped out, told her he didn’t want to be friends anymore and he felt he didn’t need to put up with that. Red Flag! So she starts an argument with me telling me i'm jealous and insecure and I can’t tell her who she can and can’t talk to. He is her best friend, he’s like a brother, and he’s like family. Bla bla bla. Red flag!

So to the present. Her X is getting married in a couple weekends. They have only known each other for 4 months. She as meet the bride to be a couple of times and has offered her service to help out with the planning and everything that goes along with the wedding. The issue I have is the other day I made a comment about all the time she is putting into helping with the wedding, and if the bride to be is even doing anything. She isn’t working right know. My girl friend proceeds to flip out on me telling me I’m insure and its disturbing that I think like that and she has an issue with it.

My question is would you stay in a relationship with someone who was that close to an X and that defensive. I men the guys getting married, what do I have to be insecure about or jealous
of. I just don’t understand her out burst and if there’s more to it. Is she unhappy he’s getting married? Is she helping out so much for someone she barely knows to stay close? I don’t get it. Any opinions would be great

link wray · #2 11-06-2009, 07:49 AM

Yes she still has some feelings for this man. She is putting a lot of effort into acting like everything is normal. And that is also the reason she cannot cope with you not doing the same.

René_Julien · #3 11-06-2009, 07:58 AM

And +1 to the above post.

I do not know her, don't know what your GF is like.
But I know that I wouldn't last long in a relationship with someone who is this obsessive.

Bruce Lindfield · #4 11-06-2009, 08:25 AM

You know I nearly drowned in Portugal, as I assumed that a Red Flag on the beach would mean it was unsafe to swim - but it was in fact a Blue and White striped one, that indicated danger - as I was later told when being dragged out of the water by a rescue team boat!!

MJ5150 · #5 11-06-2009, 09:05 AM

Sounds to me like you have more issues than your girlfriend does.

She probably has a thread like this asking about you on a forum for one her favorite activities.

-Mike

ssbass · #6 11-06-2009, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJ5150

Sounds to me like you have more issues than your girlfriend does.

She probably has a thread like this asking about you on a forum for one her favorite activities.

-Mike

Maybe I do thats why I'm asking.

LaklandBass · #7 11-06-2009, 09:12 AM

Yea sounds to me like she still likes the dude. Although its not for certain. I have some ex's that I am very good friends with. I think it depends on the situation when they dates. My most recent ex and I had dated for 10 months but we were friends for about 6 years before that. So in that situation it was very easy for us to go back to friends...... with benefits.

L-A · #8 11-06-2009, 09:15 AM

Her ex is still keeping his power on her, and she's okay with it. Big red flag I'd say.

**Thor** · #9 11-06-2009, 09:18 AM

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Finally, a 'Dear TeeBee' thread.

Dead on. She has feelings for him still. When you confront
her, all of a sudden 'you're the problem'.

It is not healthy for your new relationship for her to invest
so much emotional effort in her past relationship. It is getting
close to a deal breaker IMHO.

Ok, work through the wedding and if she still persists in this
relationship, move on. If not, you can expect that every time
he gets into a fight with his new wife, he will be coming
around to cry on her shoulder. And what with this extra
woman hanging around, he will need comfort during his
inevitable divorce.

The crystal ball is looking a little murky...

**Mark Wilson** · #10 11-06-2009, 09:19 AM

I dunno..

My ex is my best friend. But, absolutely no feelings. Just best friend.

This is totally irrelevant, i just wanted to say something.

bass12 · #11 11-06-2009, 09:23 AM

My issue would not be with her still being friends with the ex. What would be important to me is whether or not she was making it clear that I come first. You should be her priority, and if she isn't demonstrating that I would be having a serious discussion with her about how she views both relationships. It sounds as if you're being fairly accommodating and understanding. A lot of guys would be very uncomfortable with their girlfriends spending any time with an ex, so kudos to you. Communication is key, and if she can't communicate without attacking you then maybe she needs a little time alone - or time with a therapist (in which case both of you should go). Good luck.

bassteban · #12 11-06-2009, 09:26 AM

I married my ex. 16+ years and 3 kids ago.

ssbass · #13 11-06-2009, 09:27 AM

Thor,

That is exactly my fear. If I stay with this person this is something that’s not going to go away. Every time something happens in that relationship guess where he’s going? I have no problem with her being friends with this person, I just feel that there are some underlying issues going on. Her outburst and actions just seem strange.

**pacojas** · #14 11-06-2009, 09:29 AM

yo, L-A nailed it!!!

i say if the SEX is great then thats as far as you take it! save your raw emotion for a better fit, gl.

L-A · #15 11-06-2009, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pacojas

yo, L-A nailed it!!!

Not me, his ex.

I,

uh

Randall · #16 11-06-2009, 10:08 AM

Why would anyone want to hang out with their EX? Why did they break up in the first place then. I am not on bad terms with my ex's but I do not hang out with them.
The most important thing is how do her actions make you feel and do you want to feel like that. I would step back a bit and see what happens for awhile before committing to anything serious with this lady.

ssbass · #17 11-06-2009, 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Randall

Why would anyone want to hang out with their EX? Why did they break up in the first place then. I am not on bad terms with my ex's but I do not hang out with them.
The most important thing is how do her actions make you feel and do you want to feel like that. I would step back a bit and see what happens for awhile before committing to anything serious with this lady.

She claims that he is like a brother and family and that is it, but her recent outburst makes me think differently. I agree i'm on good terms with my ex's but i don't hang out with them.

I'm trying to compromise and be understanding of there relationship,but it seems if i say anything about it that she doesn't like she becomes very upset and defensive and goes on the attack. Again he is getting married I don't understand why she cares so much.

René_Julien · #18 11-06-2009, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Randall

Why would anyone want to hang out with their EX? Why did they break up in the first place then.

Such couples did not break up.

They just agreed to see other people and are convinced that they can stay abstinence from each other.

EricF · #19 11-06-2009, 10:25 AM

Wasn't there a chick-flick with a similar plot line?

Her ex is obviously an issue in your relationship, whether she's able to see it or not. Based on what you've described of her actions, it sounds like there's a LOT more going on (maybe more mentally/emotionally than physically) than she's willing to admit - to you or to herself. Unless you can come to a mutual understanding about the situation that is comfortable for both of you, it will continue to be a big issue. It seems to me the best thing you can do is put your honest feelings out on the table. If she cares enough about you, your feelings will matter. She may accuse you of being jealous, untrusting, etc., but maybe she's right. Maybe you are some of those things because you care a lot about her. It's not wrong for you to feel those things if the evidence is there. If your feelings aren't validated enough for you to be happy - or at least comfortable - with the situation, maybe it's time to hit it and quit.

**pacojas** · #20 11-06-2009, 10:30 AM

RUN FORREST,... RUN!!!!

seriously,... i just called it off with the finest woman in town (and one of the wealthiest) for similar reasons. her eXe is needy and she's a doctor so he kept getting to her soft side. when i said enough, it was her left crying and NOT me! it would've HURT me in the long run so i bailed. btw, i miss her but the BS is over. i still remember her tearful sobs begging me to stay,.... now im a PIMP!!!!