I know its summer, but this is when the heat gets to me and I do stupid things. I'm a grown man (kinda sorta) so hopefully Maki doesn't bitch to me that he doesn't wanna hear it.
I'm just trying to vent and hopefully get some advice because there are many older and wiser heads than mine here on Talkbass. I don't feel like telling my friends in real life about it as it'd sully my reputation as a man whore.
But I don't know, I don't normally feel this way about girls and I feel if I tried talking to them they wouldn't take me seriously.
The background?
I've known this girl for 3 years now (we go to college together) I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen and jokingly asked her to marry me the day I met her. We became best friends and on and off lovers.
Unfortunately half the time we do sleep together one of us is in a relationship. Then we don't talk for 3 months. Rinse and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. We've talked about it because we both know its a problem. She's never cheated on someone until I came along, and the same goes for me. Cheating really isn't excusable, but its sorta like we have another relationship that continues despite anything else thats happening in life.
No, I'm not happy about it.
The last time we slept together was Thanksgiving. We were both single since she broke up with her boyfriend of a year after we slept together on Halloween. (Doesn't this keep getting better and better?) I told her then that I didn't want to keep doing this as we were and what did she want? She couldn't give me an answer so I literally just walked away and took the subway home.
Since that day 6 months ago I haven't spoken to her at all. I saw her once and just turned around and walked away. I decided that I couldn't have her in my life because our relationship was damaging to me emotionally. So I figured cutting her out of my life was a good step.
Unfortunately it didn't work all too well. I still kept thinking about her when I lonely or trying to sleep. Hell, even playing shows and seeing my favorite band are tainted in a way. She used to come to all my shows and we'd see this band whenever they're in town.
I'm leaving for California for a month July 6th to reconnect with family, friends, and see if I can get my broke ass a job. I had a going away show on Friday and she found out I was leaving. Now we've been talking and she's coming to a going away party one of my bars is throwing me on the 4th of July. I'm guessing she still has a boyfriend and I'm guessing I'll end up sleeping with her too. I want to, but I know that A) its not right and B) this'll probably just end up hurting me more in the end again.
I've been hung up on her since I met her. I'm in love, or at least I've thought myself to be, with her for a long time. I haven't told her that either.
Oh TB, what do I do? A big part of me wants to be a masochist.
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