| Santa Claus asks for bailout
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Santa Claus asks for Bailout
Dissociated Press corespondent H. Barcat
The symbol of Christmas giving wants to back his sleigh up to the US Treasury and fly away with $50 billion.
Santa Claus says he needs the money to get through what is expected to be the worst Christmas toy production market since the Great Depression. He petitioned Congress yesterday for the bailout, which some have characterized as a loan, and he included a plan that went into some detail about where the money is expected to go.
"A lot of people think that because our North Pole operation uses magic elf dust this takes care of our money problem. It doesn't. Elves don't work for free and our labor costs have steadily gone up while magic dust production has declined dramatically in the past year as a result of the economic slowdown", said the Jolly Fat Man. "On top of that, people are demanding more expensive presents every year and there are only so many 52" plasma TV's you can make with an ever dwindling supply of elf dust."
Critics of the plan say the money isn't likely to be used to develop the self sufficiency necessary in Christmas toy production and delivery expected of the famous North Pole operation, and that once the money is used to keep the operation afloat for this season, it would be back in red ink well before the next Christmas season.
In the past few months, Congress has approved hundreds of billions of dollars in bailout money for banking and investing institutions as well as subsidizing millions of personal home mortgages. They are currently considering another $100 billion or so for the Big Three U.S. automakers.
"Where does it all stop?" said Reginald H. Poindexter, Senior Fellow at the Thinking Interesting Thoughts Institute. "I mean, can we just give away money to everybody who comes around with their hat out and just tell the taxpayer to be happy about bailing out these fat cats who've never worked a real job in their lives and have now gotten burned because of bad business decisions? The little guy has a right to be angry--no one is giving them lucrative bonuses like free milk and cookies while they do their jobs."
Many lawmakers are sounding similar notes of skepticism and are demanding explicit guarantees from Santa Claus to make it more likely that the loan will be paid back. Some legislators are also floating ideas for giving the government a stake in the exclusive Christmas toy manufacturing enterprise.
"I think it is prudent for us to take a serious look at having a controlling interest in the methods and processes of this industry to ensure that the kinds of toys that Santa Claus is producing are not only financially feasible but also serve the better interests of the world community." said Senator Richard Hedd, Chairman of the Senate Jolly Holidays Committee. "If we are going to come to the rescue of Father Christmas, then we need to insist that we have a hand in making sure their toy factory is putting out more educational, more environmentally friendly, and more generally progressive toys than what they have been producing in the past. Frankly, it is disappointing to me how little concern has been shown up until now by Saint Nick for bringing his business model up to modern standards in this day and age of social awareness."
The Santa Claus bailout is scheduled for debate tomorrow but at this point public opinion seems to be divided about its chances for successful passage.
Meanwhile, children might be the ones to lose out if Santa Claus goes under. Bobby Hogbottom, a 3rd grader from Valley Heights Elementary School in Outthere, Montana informed us with a slight quiver in his bottom lip, "My daddy said that if Santa Claus goes broke and can't send anything down our chimney this year then we can just forget about having a Merry Christmas, because since he lost his job at McDonald's, he sure can't afford to buy anything for us." | 
