School Days, School Days

[disenchant]

I was talking with a friend about the kinds of punishments they used to use in school that would be grounds for arrest nowadays.

My kindergarten teacher used to tape our mouths shut with masking tape if we talked when we weren't supposed to. If you smiled or continued to talk she'd put on lots of tape.

My lunch lady used to make the boys hold a chair in each arm and yell at them if the chair was lowered.

I remember the teacher smacking the boys on the butt with a ruler in front of the class.

My kindergarten teacher also made us sit in a box with a chair in it if were were unruly.

I remember copying a page out of a dictionary for talking too much.

I remember writing lines like "I will not push my friend's head into the drinking fountain water" over and over. Do they still do that?

My mom had to walk around with a piece of gum on the end of her nose for chewing gum in class.

What did they do in YOUR old school days when you had to walk uphill both ways in the snow with holes in your shoes?

[Marcus Johnson]

Wow ... those all look familiar! Did they have a Universal Student Abuse Manual back in the day?

[Atoz]

My third grade teacher took away my desk and made me stand in class for two weeks.

[username n/a]

In kindergarden I got a timeout of saying poop.

[Barkless Dog]

Nothing compared to Catholic school!

From Nunfist the screen play-

First Look at the NUNFIST Movie Screenplay

NUNFIST the Spiritual Forging of a Young Mans Faith

ACT I Scene I

INTERIOR Fall 1971

ENTER CLASSROOM

Unruly kids, paper airplanes, one kid puts a tack on the nerds seat and he screams as he sits down. Yelling, Screamingspitball fights.

Switch back and forth FROM CLASSROOM to CLOSE UP OF SUPPORT HOSE, GIANT FEET IN GIANT BLACK SHOES, DANGLING CROSS AND THE SOUND OF KING KONG WALKING WITH EVERY STEP ECHOING DOWN THE HALL.

THE DOOR FLIES OPEN WITHOUT BEING TOUCHED, A SILOUETTE IS IN THE DOORWAY WITH A BRIGHT LIGHT IN THE BACKGROUND. THE IMAGE IS HUGE IN THE DOORWAY. ALL STUDENTS STOP DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS WITH A LOOK OF FEAR.

DEEP GROWL FROM DOORWAY: CEASE THIS NONSENSE IMMEDIATELY AND TAKE YOUR ASSIGNED SEATS! NOW!

SR MATILDA: I COMMAND COMPLETE ATTENTION AT ALL TIMES! I WILL TOLERATE NO INSOLENCE! AND YES IT IS POSSIBLE, MR. McJANUARY!

Introduce signature stare. Sr Matilda has red lasers shoot from her eyes and the camera shoots to a close up of MICKEY.

MICKEY(TO HIMSELF) I CANT BELIEVE SHE HEARD ME. IT IS THE POWER OF GOD.

SR MATILDA: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE McJANUARY, YOUR BROTHER, HE WAS A NO GOOD SMART MOUTHED PUNK, JUST LIKE YOU. AND IF YOURE ANYTHING LIKE HIM YOU GOT A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF YOU. SO I SUGGEST YOU OBEY THE RULES AND KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT AND YOU CAN PRAY TO GOD THAT I DONT BEAT THE DEVIL OUT OF YOU ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS!

A muffled snicker erupts from the other side of class. The laser eyes of Matilda immediately focus on BILLY BANSHEE. Billy is a scrawny kid who is always in trouble and a friend of MICKEY.

SR MATILDA: SOMETHING FUNNY MR BANSHEE? IVE GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR, TELL ME YOUR FUNNY STORY, MR BANSHEE.

BILLY: I DONT KNOW ANY FUNNY STORIES SISTER.

SR MATILDA: (IN HIS FACE) IS IT MY FACE, IS THAT FUNNY TO YOU PARTY BOY?

BILLY: NO SR MATILDA.

SR MATILDA: IVE GOT A FUNNY STORY FOR YOU, ITS CALLED, HOLD OUT YOUR KNUCKLES. ILL NEED A NUMBER FOR YOUR MOTHER AND A MOTHER FOR YOUR FATHER SINCE THEY HAD TO SPLIT UP THEIR VOW OF HOLY MATRIMONY. IF YOU WERENT SUCH A LITTLE PUNK THEY WOULD STILL BE TOGETHER!

She unsheathes a tripod ruler from her belt like a Samari and commences to beat his knuckles.

Shift focus from Billy back to Parker. He is squirming in his seat and sweating profusely.

NARRATIVE MICKEY: NOW PARKER POIBILLIUS, IS ONE MY GOOD CHUMS. HES OF THE HEFTY SORT, KINDA TIMID, KINDA DESHEVELED AND SERIOUS GLAND PROBLEMS. WHENEVER HE GETS NERVOUS, THE SWEATS A LOT AND FARTS. BEING THE NERVOUS CHRISTIAN THAT HE IS, THE SIGHT OF SR MATILDA FEROCIOUSLY DICIPLINING BILLY BANSHEE OPENED HIS SWEAT GLANDS AND I KNEW WHAT WAS COMING NEXT.

(GIANT FART NOISE)

Back to Sr Matilda and she turns around with the lasers and locks on to PARKER.

PARKER: (pleading) IM SORRY SISTER (FART) I CANT HELP IT! (FART)

SR MATILDA: PARKER POIBILLIUS THE PIG! YOU RUDE INCONSIDERATE FLATUATING LITTLE PIG! LOOK AT YOU YOU FAT LITTLE SLOB! BUTTON YOUR TOP BUTTON, FIX YOUR TIE!

PARKER: I CANT BUTTON IT SISTER, ITS TOO TIGHT.

SR MATILDA: THATS BECAUSE YOURE A FAT PIG! YOURE A PORK PRODUCT YOU LITTLE PIG! YOU STINK!

Farts again.

Sr Matilda grabs his tie and starts to tighten like a hangman tightens a noose on the damned which of course sets off an eruption of farts. The class room is starting to stink. Sitting in front of Parker is Penelope Pinter. Shes starting to gag and holding her nose.

PENELOPE: SISTER I THINK IM GONNA THROW UP.

SR MATILDA: (laser lock) WELL PRECIOUS PENELOPE PINTER HAS A SENSITIVE NOSE. DOES SHE?

Back to PARKER:

SR MATILDA: PIGBILLIUS SEE WHAT YOUVE DONE? YOU OFFENEDED PENELOPES SENSITIVE NOSE! GET UP YOU FAT SLOB! WELL BEAT THE GAS BACK INTO YOUR RECTUM.

Sr Matilda begins to beat Parkers ass and we see in the foreground tears welling up in Penelopes eyes and we dont know if its from the smell or fear.

SR MATILDA: IS THIS HELPING YOUR SENSITIVE NOSE PENELOPE?

PENELOPE: NO SISTER.

SR MATILDA: I KNOW HOW TO HELP PENELOPE PINTERS SENSITIVE NOSE.

Sr Matilda breaks a piece of chalk in half and the tears have chalk lines streaming down her face.

SR MATILDA: IS THIS? (interrupted)

In an attempt to break the concentration of Sr Matildas corporal punishment we hear a voice in the background. Its JOHNNY SMOOTH.

JOHNNY: SISTER MATILDA, WHAT PAGE SHOULD WE TURN TO IN OUR RELIGION BOOK.
(laser eyes lock on JOHNNY)

MICKEY NARRATIVE: JOHNNY SMOOTH WAS ALWAYS THE CLASS SUCK UP. HE WAS AN ARROGANT, STRAIGHT A *******. I STILL HAD TO GIVE HIM CREDIT ON THE BALSY MOVE OF TRYING TO DISTRACT HER CONCENTRATION FROM ADMINISTERING HUMILIATION TO PENELOPE AND MAYBE GETTING BACK TO TEACHING CLASS.

SR MATILDA: WELL MR SMOOTH. DO YOU WANT TO TEACH THE CLASS? ALL WORK AND NO PLAY FOR JOHNNY SMOOTH. YOU WANT TO TAKE OVER THE CIRICULUM. OK MR JOHNNY SMOOTH GET UP.

She grabs JOHNNY by the ear and drags him to the blackboard.

SR MATILDA: NOW ERASE MY NAME JOHNNY SMOOTH AND WRITE YOUR OWN! YOURE THE TEACHER NOW! WRITE YOUR NAME AND YOURE THE TEACHER! (She bounces his head off the chalkboard with every sentence now and he starts to cry) YOURE THE TEACHER! YOURE THE TEACHER! YOURE THE TEACHER!

MICKEY NARRATIVE: AS SR MATILDA BASHES JOHNNY SMOOTHS HEAD INTO THE CHALKBOARD, RICKY RAMIREZ HAD TO SEIZE THE MOMENT. NOW RICKY RAMIREZ IS A SICK BASTARD. HES PURE EVIL WRAPPED UP IN HUMAN SKIN. HES THE KINDA GUY THAT LIKE TO POUR GAS ON CATS AND WATCH THEM RUN AROUND OR CATCH A FISH AND STICK A FIRE CRACKER UP ITS ASS.
SO THE DOOR OF OPPORTUNITY WAS OPEN AND HE PUT A TACK ON JOHNNYS SEAT. THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

Back to Sr Matilda and Johnny.

SR MATILDA: IS IT OK IF I TEACH THE CLASS NOW JOHNNY? NOW TAKE YOUR SEAT AND SHUT UP!

JOHNNY: (mumbling) SORRY SISTER YOURE THE TEACHER SORRY SISTER YOURE THE TEACHER YOURE THE TEACHER.

We follow Johnny to his seat and his sits on the tack and jumps up screaming. Laser Lock.

SR MATILDA: I (breath between each word) TOLDYOUTOSITDOWN!!!!

She rushes back over to Johnny and forces him back in his seat which drives the tack further into his skin and he screams.

JOHNNY: OOOOOW ****!

SR MATILDA: (smacks him in the mouth) NO ONE USES THAT LANGUAGE IN MY CLASS YOU FILTY MOUTHED LITTLE HEATHEN!

JOHNNY: THERES SOMETHING IN MY BUTT.

SR MATILDA: MY FOOT WILL BE THERE IF YOU DONT SIT DOWN.

Shoves him back in the seat 3 times, every time he jumps back up. The entire class is snickering.

JOHNNY: NO SISTER THERES SOMETHING STICKING IN MY BUTT.

Sr Matilda drags him out of his seat to the front of the class by his tie and bends him over her desk and sees the head of the tack sticking in his butt with a small blood circle forming around it.

SR MATILDA: SO WE HAVE AN ASSASSIN IN THE CLASSROOM DO WE?

Laser lock to RICKY RAMIREZ. RICKY stares back and slowly begins a serial killer smile.

SR MATILDA: YOURE THE DEVIL RAMIREZ AND IM SENDING YOU TO THE PRIEST HOUSE FOR AN EXORCISM. GET OUT!

RICKY still with the smile. He walks straight toward her without an ounce of fear. She takes a step back and reaches for her Bible and beats him into a crumbled ball with it.

SR MATILDA: ASSAULT CHARGES WILL BE FILED! I HOPE THEY LOCK YOU UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY! YOURE THE DEVIL! YOURE EVIL!

She smashes into everything as she is throwing him out the door by his hair. She throws him into the hall into the feet of FATHER MARLIN.

SR MATILDA: (super sweet) OH FATHER MARLIN WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE. (to RICKY) YOU GO THE NURSE AND THEN STRAIGHT TO THE OFFICE YOU. (to FATHER MARLIN) PLEASE COME IN.

FR MARLIN: THANK YOU SISTER.

SR MATILDA: LOOK BOYS AND GIRLS ITS FATHER MARLIN GRACING US WITH HIS PRESENCE. STRAIGHTEN UP AND SAY HELLO TO THE GOOD FATHER.

CLASS: (slowly) GOOD MORNING FATHER MARLIN.

FR MARLIN: AHH GOD MORNING BOYS AND GIRLS. LOOKS LIKE A FINE GROUP WE HAVE THIS YEAR.

SR MATILDA: WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE SCHOOL THIS MORNING?

FR MARLIN: LOOKIN FOR A FEW NEW RECRUITS TO BE ALTAR BOYS THIS YEAR.

SR MATILDA: THESE ARE ALL FINE YOUNG LADS WHO WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO SERVE JESUS ON THE ALTAR WITH YOU. WOULDNT YOU BOYS?

Laser lock on MICKEY.

Father Marlin pulls out a list of names.

FR MARLIN: McJANUARY, POIBILLIUS, SMOOTH, AND RECTALICK. BILLY BANSHEE YOUR NAME HAD TO BE TAKEN OFF THE LIST BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED. TELL YOUR FATHER IF HE WRITES A CHECK FOR $350 TO THE CHURCH WE CAN HAVE IT ANNULLED. YOU FOUR COME WITH ME AND I THANK YOU SISTER FOR YOUR HELP.

SR MATILDA: FATHER WE ALWAYS START CLASS WITH THE LORDS PRAYER, WOULD YOU CARE TO LEAD US?

FR MARLIN: OF COURSE SISTER. IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, AND THE (bell rings, class is over)

ENTER THE VESTIBULE BEHIND CHURCH. DAYTIME.

Its traditional for the upper class altar boys to train the younger prospects. They are referred to as Purgs. Being an altar boy is like being in a sacred elite fraternity. Its not a bad little perk to go in and assist the priest with the daily mass. You get out of class, they pay you for weddings and funerals and altar wine tastes great. Like any fraternity, there is a certain amount of hazing.

[Baryonyx]

I thought this thread was going to be about Stanley Clarke.

But one of my old teachers from school used to lock kids in a cupboard. This is post 2000 aswell, blatant breach of Health and Safety legislation!

[cheezewiz]

I remember several times, being sent to the back of the class, and kneeling on the floor while holding my arms out straight to the sides, and holding a dictionary up with each hand. DON'T let the dictionary fall or more was coming!

[santucci218]

Originally Posted by Atoz

My third grade teacher took away my desk and made me stand in class for two weeks.

what the hell did you do?

[Atoz]

Originally Posted by santucci218

what the hell did you do?

She didn't think the inside of my desk was clean enough.

I probably would have had to stand for longer if I hadn't broken down and told my parents after two weeks. I was afraid of getting grounded.

[Mark Wilson]

My teacher picked up my desk and dumped everything inside of it onto the floor.

I also had to stand in the corner for quite a long time.

I've probably copied the dictionary three times over, and about a million lines.

I've been moved to the front of the room in every class i had, and right beside the teacher about 20 times


I miss school haha

[Horny Toad]

Originally Posted by Atoz

My third grade teacher took away my desk and made me stand in class for two weeks.

And that made you very sad.

[Jared Lash]

Originally Posted by disenchant

My kindergarten teacher used to tape our mouths shut with masking tape if we talked when we weren't supposed to. If you smiled or continued to talk she'd put on lots of tape.

I remember the teacher smacking the boys on the butt with a ruler in front of the class.

These both happened to me, but not in the classroom. It was in the back of this guy's van. I wonder if he ever found his puppy.

[Sheep Man]

One of my friends had to stand at the front of the class with his pants around his ankles. The teacher didn't think it was funny that he had pantsed (?) one of the other guys as we were walking into the classroom.

The same teacher also used to throw white board markers at another one of my friends for disrupting class repeatedly. When he didn't give her the markers back, she threw her shoes at him.

Is it bad that I'm sharing stories about punishment that I laughed at rather than received?

Come to think of it, when I cussed out my Chinese teacher in 4th grade I was taken out of the classroom and lectured, then sent to the principle's office. I don't think I ever got any sort of in-class punishment. Yeah, I was that bad...

[Vandelay]

Originally Posted by TheBigO

These both happened to me, but not in the classroom. It was in the back of this guy's van. I wonder if he ever found his puppy.

You owe me a new computer keyboard. Well done.

[Atoz]

Originally Posted by Horny Toad

And that made you very sad.

Rough crowd...

[blueskid]

my teacher duct taped me to my chair, my legs to the chair legs, my feet to the floor, and my chair and my chair to the desk. something about me moving around too much.

man do i wish there had been a fire or something

[Disraeli Gears]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JC001Z3XWKE

..Back on topic, I'm still in High School, so I haven't really faced any fugly punishments like that (although I did have to write sentences once.. that's RARELY ever done anymore though). The worst I've seen is a kid getting kicked out of the class, and the most incorrect by today's standards was calling a kid a smart ass.

[Baryonyx]

I saw a lot of violence between pupils and teachers at my school.

One lad got expelled for slapping a teacher in the face, though to be honest she invited him to do so.

[Toasted]

Originally Posted by disenchant

I remember copying a page out of a dictionary for talking too much.

No, you're kidding?!

[MakiSupaStar]

Originally Posted by Horny Toad

And that made you very sad.

Nice. Already incorporating it.