Seems I've got a young lady in trouble....the panic has set in.

[dj150888]

So I got a phonecall an hour ago, seems that a young woman I've been having fun with the last while is pregnant, with all evidence pointing firmly towards me. I'm currently bricking myself. I really don't have a clue how to deal with this situation. Myself and the possibly future mother aren't really together, we had just been having a little bit of fun together. I'm mostly annoyed because she had told me she was using a contraceptive pill.....it seems that she'd forgotten to take it quite a few times, dropping its effectiveness to practically nothing.

If it all turns out the way it seems it will, I'll definitely be an active part of the child's life, so it seems a lot of my future plans have just been put on hold. Touring with the band, my PhD and generally being irresponsible and young are now off the menu, finding a real job that pays well when I finish my Masters in a few months are now no. 1 priority.

I know theres nothing anyone on here can do about it, but a little moral support would be nice right now!


EDIT - SITUATION RESOLVED, I GOT LUCKY! SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! THANKS ALL

[Mark Latimour]

Originally Posted by dj150888

So I got a phonecall an hour ago, seems that a young woman I've been having fun with the last while is pregnant, with all evidence pointing firmly towards me. I'm currently bricking myself. I really don't have a clue how to deal with this situation. Myself and the possibly future mother aren't really together, we had just been having a little bit of fun together. I'm mostly annoyed because she had told me she was using a contraceptive pill.....it seems that she'd forgotten to take it quite a few times, dropping its effectiveness to practically nothing.

If it all turns out the way it seems it will, I'll definitely be an active part of the child's life, so it seems a lot of my future plans have just been put on hold. Touring with the band, my PhD and generally being irresponsible and young are now off the menu, finding a real job that pays well when I finish my Masters in a few months are now no. 1 priority.

I know theres nothing anyone on here can do about it, but a little moral support would be nice right now!

Get a paternity test before you start paying any money unless you are 100% positive you are the father. Not to be callous, but it you've just been having fun then it's perfectly reasonable to think she was having fun with other people as well. Assuming you are indeed the father, you may want to have a serious chat with her about whether she wants to keep the baby. It may not be in both your interests to do so. That said, if she / you want to keep it, then you are just going to have to learn to be as good a father as you can in the sitution! Bonne chance!

[EricF]

I could write at length about how I might handle this situation, but I'm not you, don't live your life, and don't know where you stand on a number of critical issues, so I'll keep it simple...

Do the right thing - whatever that may be for you, her, and the future. A very real and honest conversation with her needs to happen immeidately.

[Relic]

Wow, that's a tough one my friend.
I guess the first thing that I would want to do if it were me (and this is just my own thought process and not a commentary on the mom to be or anyone else) I would want to do what I can to make absolute sure that the child is mine.
If I knew that for sure, I'd start planning in advance. Put money aside, do whatever it is you need to do. Just make sure that you finish your studies if you can.

My first son was an accident. I was s*** scared and didnt want him. Once he was born, my whole life changed and I honestly don't know how I ever lived without him (and now his two other brothers)
just hang in there and it will work out. There may or may not be tough times ahead but regardless - you're a smart guy from what I can see and will make it through this for the better.

[dj150888]

Well I'll be insisting on a paternity test any way, I've already spoken to her about that. She assures me that I'm the only guy she's been fooling around with, but I still want to be totally sure.

As far as keeping the baby goes, morally I'm very strongly against abortion in situations like mine. I'm a firm, "you've made your bed, now lie in it" believer. Legally though, in the UK at least, I have absolutely zero say in whether she does or doesn't. She seems to be considering it, I'll do my best to dissuade her. I have to stick with my own personal morals on things like that.

[EricF]

Is there any interest - on either side - of taking your relationship to a new level?

[guitar ed]

I went through the scare once, a couple of decades ago. I think most of us older guys can relate.

First things first: Take a deeeep breath, and relax.

Next: Let your folks know what has happened. You will need some support through this.

Then, call a lawyer. If the young lady in question lied to you about taking the pill, that might be leverage that you can use in any settlement.

Assuming that the baby is yours, etc., TRY and maintain a civil relationship with the woman. Your life, and the kids, will be much easier as a result. Also, this does not mean the end of your life, or goals, as you know it. Delays, maybe. Changes, maybe. See how it all plays out.

edg

[nutdog]

Originally Posted by dj150888

Well I'll be insisting on a paternity test any way, I've already spoken to her about that. She assures me that I'm the only guy she's been fooling around with, but I still want to be totally sure.

As far as keeping the baby goes, morally I'm very strongly against abortion in situations like mine. I'm a firm, "you've made your bed, now lie in it" believer. Legally though, in the UK at least, I have absolutely zero say in whether she does or doesn't. She seems to be considering it, I'll do my best to dissuade her. I have to stick with my own personal morals on things like that.

Sounds like a plan. Cheer up. Children are great. Even unplanned ones. Control is overrated.

Hey, if she's fun, maybe...well, you know.

[Linas]

Originally Posted by EricF

Is there any interest - on either side - of taking your relationship to a new level?

If there isn't, don't force it just because of the kid. It will only make things worse in the end.

[TOOL460002]

has she taken a test or just missed? ive had the latter happen twice on the pill (her) with no pregnancy. it happens. be sure.

[EricF]

Originally Posted by Linas

If there isn't, don't force it just because of the kid. It will only make things worse in the end.

This ^

[dj150888]

Missed and then took a test.

I really don't have any interest in taking the relationship further right now, and I'm guessing she feels the same. We ended up together for a little fun since we were both just out of long term relationships.

As far as getting onto a lawyer, do you guys think thats really necessary? I don't want to make things any more difficult than they need to be, I'd rather just sort things out amicably. I really doubt she intentionally missed her pill, and from talking to her, it seems that she thought that missing it a few times wouldn't cause an issue since she had taken it any day we slept together. If its my child, I really don't want to be squabbling over settlements and finances if we can just sort it out ourselves. She is still a close friend and I intend on maintaining some sort of relationship, just not necessarily a romantic one.


I'm trying to stay calm and see the positive side of things, but its difficult right now. Seems like everything I expected over the next five years has just suddenly changed without warning.

[onosson]

I have a friend who has a son from very much the same kind of situation. He was never in a real relationship with the mom, before or after the pregnancy. He says they have a great partnership in raising him now, much better than if they'd been together and then split up. No animosity, no drama.

For what it's worth...

[MJ5150]

Do all the parents know?

The positive is you have the chance to bring another human into the world, which is an awesome and serious responsibility. With proper planning and scheduling, you don't need to put your entire life on hold.

-Mike

[Staccato]

Originally Posted by Mark Latimour

Get a paternity test before you start paying any money unless you are 100% positive you are the father. Not to be callous, but it you've just been having fun then it's perfectly reasonable to think she was having fun with other people as well. Assuming you are indeed the father, you may want to have a serious chat with her about whether she wants to keep the baby. It may not be in both your interests to do so. That said, if she / you want to keep it, then you are just going to have to learn to be as good a father as you can in the sitution! Bonne chance!

^ This

Originally Posted by EricF

I could write at length about how I might handle this situation, but I'm not you, don't live your life, and don't know where you stand on a number of critical issues, so I'll keep it simple...

Do the right thing - whatever that may be for you, her, and the future. A very real and honest conversation with her needs to happen immeidately.

^ and This...

Patience is in order. The only time this ever happened to me was the first time that I ever...and it turned out-she wasnt'. Heart Attack City!

[nutdog]

Originally Posted by Linas

If there isn't, don't force it just because of the kid. It will only make things worse in the end.

Maybe so, maybe no. Because...

Originally Posted by dj150888

Seems like everything I expected over the next five years has just suddenly changed without warning.

Who can know the future?

Life is difficult. But you're certainly not the only one this has happened to and won't be the last. Much good can come of this.

[EdHunter]

If you're about to get a Masters, then surely that can't hurt. There's a lot of people with less of a starting block who've pulled something together.

[etoncrow]

Originally Posted by dj150888

.... Seems like everything I expected over the next five years has just suddenly changed without warning.

I will be 62 in a few months. If your life ends up sharing any similarity with mine this will not be the last time life suddenly takes an unexpected turn. As a matter of fact, to some extent, get used to it.

[MakiSupaStar]

Ugh. I guess it's too tell you to always wear a jimmy and never trust a chick when she tells you that she's on the pill. But obviously you already know that. Latimour, as much as I hate to admit it, has given you some good advice there. Without getting too political, you have to take a good hard look at where you two stand on abortion, adoption, or ideas about raising a child (which is a HUGE challenge to your philosophy on life).

I've had this scare before. A casual acquaintance with a chick that I hooked up with at a party and a few other casual meetings. It was a stressful time to say the least. We opted to get an abortion. The decision actually weighed very heavy on me. Without getting into politics I've always supported choice, but man, it was not an easy choice to make. Although I wasn't even sure it was mine (since I found out that a few other people hooked up with her right around the same time). I was wearing a jimmy too. I'm also not sure if she was really pregnant either. This came into doubt because of her behavior after she told me. I lost sleep then the next day she said she was just kidding (something I didn't find very funny), and then a little later she said that she was. She flip flopped back and forth several times and refused to take a pregnancy test in front of me, saying that she would just 'take care of it'. She also refused to let me take her to medical center to get it done. I wasn't so sure if it was just a scam for her to get 300 bucks out of me (which I gladly paid btw), or if she really was pregnant and scared. Needless to say we never talked to each other after that.

Later on, I'm newly married to my wife when we discovered she was pregnant. We were hard up financially. She was working as a waitress, and I was in the process of switching careers working as a substitute teacher making a 100 bucks a day, and as a casual musician/website developer and not working everyday either. The thought of bringing a child into that situation terrified us. But we both realized that we were too old to just haphazardly have an abortion (possibly wrecking our chances of having a child when we actually wanted one), and that since we were married, and that since we really did want children at some point in our life, we decided to have the child even if it was inconvenient. It was the best decision I ever made in my life. There's nothing in the world that I love more than my son. Funny thing about children, and this is purely anecdotal, but in my life, after making the decision to have our son, things started working in our favor. I got a full time teaching job, my wife actually got a job with great benefits, it brought my relationship with my own family closer, and the news and the child himself generally brought good fortune. And by 'good fortune' I mean things always kind of found a way of working themselves out.

Sorry, I can't give you anything much more specific than my own examples. Try to keep it civil and try to keep an open mind about all your options. Good luck brother.

[codycaz]

Originally Posted by MJ5150

Do all the parents know?

The positive is you have the chance to bring another human into the world, which is an awesome and serious responsibility. With proper planning and scheduling, you don't need to put your entire life on hold.

-Mike

This...and
You suppose to feel excited. You'll be a dad very soon.

This is what you'll be playing with inbetween playing your bass.



Hope it works out ok for you.