A serious question for parents with 2 or more kids.

Kwesi · #1 12-12-2010, 10:53 PM

Do you treat your children equally under all circumstances? By "equally" I mean if one were to earn something would the other get something just because the first did? It used to happen a lot to me and my brother when I was younger. I would get a little something because I did something good and my brother would get something for the heck of it, or he would do something worthy of a small gift and I'd get something just because he did.

I understand not wanting to create sibling rivalry or unnecessary competition but I think that that kind of response diminishes the significance of whatever was done to warrant that gift and if anything builds a sense of entitlement. I'm not saying play favorites but I am in supporting of giving credit where it is due and only where it is due. I'd love to hear parents thoughts on this particular issue.

MJ5150 · #2 12-12-2010, 11:03 PM

At a young age, yes. Once they both made it to double digits, no.

-Mike

HEIST · #3 12-12-2010, 11:10 PM

Ooooh that's interesting. My parents treated us (3 girls) equally, but they do not give us all a gift because just one of us did something good. In fact, they didn't reward us with things but words like 'good job!' and so on.

However, one time we earned $3 for every 'A' we received on our report card. I, being the over-achiever of the three my whole life, did not notice any in-equality. I earned a lot more money than they did, and I got only priase.

I just asked the sister just a year younger than I and she said, "Of course I felt inequality. Dad would call me stupid etc."

And it really isn't based on effort. I didn't put in any effort to get those A's. My sister tried way harder in school during those times than I ever did.

**pacojas** · #4 12-12-2010, 11:29 PM

(im starting to feel sorry for this Kwesi guy)
dude,.... you got more issues than an old lady,... forealz!!!

Kwesi · #5 12-12-2010, 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJ5150

At a young age, yes. Once they both made it to double digits, no.

-Mike

That makes sense to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HEIST

Ooooh that's interesting. My parents treated us (3 girls) equally, but they do not give us all a gift because just one of us did something good. In fact, they didn't reward us with things but words like 'good job!' and so on.

However, one time we earned $3 for every 'A' we received on our report card. I, being the over-achiever of the three my whole life, did not notice any in-equality. I earned a lot more money than they did, and I got only priase.

I just asked the sister just a year younger than I and she said, "Of course I felt inequality. Dad would call me stupid etc."

And it really isn't based on effort. I didn't put in any effort to get those A's. My sister tried way harder in school during those times than I ever did.

Now that is interesting. By "gifts" I meant praise, actual gifts, money, and whatever else could be given in the even that we do something good. I personally think it's a parents job to at least try to understand how their child behaves, their strengths, and weaknesses and who they are as human beings not just "children."

Quote:

Originally Posted by pacojas

(im starting to feel sorry for this Kwesi guy)
dude,.... you got more issues than an old lady,... forealz!!!

Haha, don't be

. I live a good life but I'm a thinker, it's what I do

. Parenting has always been an interesting subject to me and this thought in particular has been floating around in my brain for at least a decade.

**pacojas** · #6 12-12-2010, 11:45 PM

OMG! is your GF pregnant?!!!

hdracer · #7 12-12-2010, 11:47 PM

I have never treated my three kids the same. They are individuals. I expect the best that they can do according to their ability. My daughter would get mad because she would get in trouble if she got a B, but we would throw a party if one of the boys got one. They worked their butts off for that B & she slacked off. Sports & music are the same. All I ever expect from them is their full effort.

onosson · #8 12-12-2010, 11:49 PM

My kids are fairly young (9 and 5) so it depends a lot on the situation for us. Generally, rewards are a group/family thing (i.e. special treat like ice cream, watch a movie, etc.) but in some cases you want to recognize individual behaviour. I am firmly of the belief that even most 4 year olds are mature enough to realize that they don't necessarily deserve something just because someone else did good (younger ages may not be so mature, yet). I believe that if you give your kids credit for that level of understanding, they will meet or exceed your expectations!

Kwesi · #9 12-12-2010, 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pacojas

OMG! is your GF pregnant?!!!

I wish I had a gf to impregnate... wait that came out wrong

.

I should've said that if I had a gf and found out that she was pregnant I would be packing my bags and booking the earliest flight to wherever she isn't... no that doesn't quite sound right either

Nah, none of that stuff! I'm just a curious kid. I see people on a daily basis who I think are nowhere near fit to be parents and even among those adults whom I recognize as good parents I always find myself wondering what I'd do differently in their position. A little weird to be thinking all this at 19, I know, but it's interesting

.

MakiSupaStar · #10 12-13-2010, 01:15 AM

So HEIST has two sisters? Excellent.

champbassist · #11 12-13-2010, 02:19 AM

As with Heist, I'm better at studies than my younger sister (only sibling) in an environment where academic excellence is everything. Though I sometimes feel that my parents are biased against me just because I'm elder to her, many a time I realize that she is probably rebuked more often than me for having fun (texting friends, social networking, surfing the internet) just because it affects her studies (true to an extent).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kwesi

I wish I had a gf to impregnate... wait that came out wrong

Just for the heck of it, Imma sig that

HEIST · #12 12-13-2010, 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

So HEIST has two sisters? Excellent.

One of them is 10. Off limits.
However, my 20 year old sister is fair game.

Kyon` · #13 12-13-2010, 03:14 AM

I think in the single digits most of the rewards were kind of equal, though most of them I seem to recall were family rewards. I don't think it was till the tweens that anything changed between me and my sister. I will say I think my parents were much looser on me than my sister. I could just not come home some nights and as long as I didn't show up in a squad car they never got upset, but my sisters curfew was always on the dot you have to be in your bed asleep at this time. Given there was a three year age difference though.

Kwesi · #14 12-13-2010, 03:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hdracer

I have never treated my three kids the same. They are individuals. I expect the best that they can do according to their ability. My daughter would get mad because she would get in trouble if she got a B, but we would throw a party if one of the boys got one. They worked their butts off for that B & she slacked off. Sports & music are the same. All I ever expect from them is their full effort.

My thoughts exactly! They are different so treat them differently

.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HEIST

One of them is 10. Off limits.
However, my 20 year old sister is fair game.

Twenty you say? Maki, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you stand aside

.

hrodbert696 · #15 12-13-2010, 04:48 AM

Every parent works out how these things will happen in their own house. I have four kids, the first three close in age to each other and the fourth our late surprise. I'm trying to think of specific examples to answer the OP, and nothing's coming to mind at the moment, but in general each child is rewarded for their own actions. However, if we notice one of them seems to be getting all the attention, we'll look for a way to make sure the others aren't neglected. Also, sometimes there's a group celebration of something one of them does -- if there's a concert, for instance, we might all go out for ice cream after to celebrate, that kind of thing.

Relic · #16 12-13-2010, 06:00 AM

I have 3 boys. I really couldn't give a sweeping all-encompassing response to the question because it varies from situation to situation, and in context.
But a short/sweet answer - In regards to a reward for doing something good, only that one that earned it will get it. On the other hand, if I'm in a store and one kid wants something and I'm ok with it, I'll typically tell the other two to pick something (small) out as well.
In my situation it's a little tricky because my two older boys are from my previous marriage, and the younger is from my present marriage. So in that respect, I make it a point to make sure that none of them gets more attention than the other and each is rewarded or punished appropriately and fairly. So far it's be absolutely great.

Oh and HEIST - no pics no 20 year old sis!!

HEIST · #17 12-13-2010, 07:57 AM

Hahahah like I'll freely hand her over to you hounds!

BassChuck · #18 12-13-2010, 08:24 AM

If one child does something worth rewarding, give them something they can share with their siblings. Good deeds are worth more than self advancement.

fenderhutz · #19 12-13-2010, 08:27 AM

I have two kids under 5. The younger one (2.5) doesn't understand if his older brother gets a reward and he doesn't. So we usually make reward based tasks that they can both help with. Cleaning up play area together, playing quietly together when asked to etc. When they get older then no. They will each have to earn their own rewards.

KsToaDangr · #20 12-13-2010, 08:30 AM

as a father of only one(4 year old boy), not sure how to really answer this one. i did have a gf who also had a kid(5 year old girl), and i tried to treat them the same, when it came to rewarding good behavior/punishing bad behavior, but her mom treated her like a little princess and would always make excuses for her bad behavior instead of punishing her for it. with my son, the opposite was true. this was one of the major causes of us breaking up, because i couldn't stand the double standard.