So sick of it.

Radical Edward · #1 03-13-2010, 12:51 PM

I am absolutely, 100% a crazy person. I realize this. I try to be "normal", but it just doesn't happen. I have ADHD, PTSD, OCD, and Anxiety disorder, Depression, and bipolar disorder, type 2. I am one messed up girl. I just try to live every day, day by day and go with the flow of things... but it's so hard. I have radical mood swings, and forget everything as I'm doing it even. I forget very important things that ruin big things... I can't ever do anything right because I'm always too nervous and scared and can't even focus. I have so many things that set me off and give me anxiety attacks, it's ridiculous. I've been on every medication out there, and none have solved my problems. Some have helped a little for a little while, but there were dependency problems and I can't have all of that again..
But here's the thing. I have a daughter. I have to go on. I just recently got to see her for the first time in 9 months, and I haven't been so happy in a long time..
but I made plans to see her today, but my boss said I have to work today. I'm paid under the table and I can't afford to work a regular job because according to Michigans' calculating thing, they'll take about 20% of my income if they know I'm working, in child support.
So, I went to work. That caused enough problems and stress, but what's worse is I work with a bunch off jerks who treat me pretty poorly..
And to make this short, I had a mental breakdown before even leaving work and had to quit. I had suicidal thoughts today. Serious ones. ..
I don't know what to do anymore. I have a long line of medical bills, because I might have cancer and am doing numerous tests. I'm sick all the time...
I don't know how I'm supposed to work 60 hours a week, deal with a custody battle, and have all of these mental problems and just live a normal life. It's just not possible. Anyway, this is just a rant. I needed to vent. I hope you all enjoy it. I'm going to probably drink myself silly, tonight.
See you in the morn'.

Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself or anything, by the way, but God knows I'll be dreaming about it.

René_Julien · #2 03-13-2010, 01:05 PM

So sorry to hear that.

Do you have someone close to you (friend or family) that can and will help you? Guidance and support.
Ask for help to someone you can trust and confide in. (not the internetz

)

It seems to me that you are all on your own in life at the moment.
??
I hope it isn't?

I am a bit familiar with some of your conditions.
My opinion (to stress it: opinion) is that medication is not the best answer to these medical conditions.
You need something therapeutic (sp?).

And don't be intimidated by seeking some professional help from people in the field of psychology.
If you need it you need it. Doesn't mean you are crazy.
Mostly it means you had to take a lot of crap in your life.

Good luck. I hope you can't get out of this a better person.

Radical Edward · #3 03-13-2010, 01:11 PM

I have my boyfriend, but that's it. And I work for his dad, so I can't really say much about my stress with him. I don't want to come between that.. and it's not his kid and he's weird about it, so even though he listens to me and stuff, he doesn't really relate or have any idea what to say. Heh. My family is pretty much.. non-existant, as far as i'm concerned. It's their fault I'm going through the custody battle in the first place.
And sorry to vent here, but I really have no way else to get it out, right now.
Oh, and I don't have insurance, and can't afford counseling, or anything.

René_Julien · #4 03-13-2010, 01:32 PM

I do not mean to tear the guy down (because I don't know him) but being a boyfriend means more than just listen.
There is something off when you are somewhat oblivious to the situation your partner is in.

Maybe he is a jerk and neglects to go the extra steps to help you out, or you have problems exposing your anxieties to him.
It's usually one or the other, sorry if this sounds harsh... I'm just someone on the internet.

You should confront him with everything, but I derive you are afraid of confrontation. (it's also a sort of anxiety)
I have also anxiety about confronting people. When I finally do confront someone on a serious issue I go all guns blazing. Not always so pleasant, mostly for the other person(s).

Are you afraid that by opening up to him you might lose that bit of comfort you get from him?

He should be understanding and try to do anything in his might to make your life bearable. (for example the working for his father issue)

And if he is weird about your daughter, ask him how come. It can't be because of the child itself. If he wants you in his life he has to take your daughter too. Doesn't matter if there are messed up custody issues.

with all respect

MakiSupaStar · #5 03-13-2010, 01:45 PM

I think you just pwn'd Fassa.

René_Julien · #6 03-13-2010, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

I think you just pwn'd Fassa.

You are a way to paranoid man.

Or maybe it's me.

flipper_gv · #7 03-13-2010, 02:00 PM

damn....

That's pretty hardcore in terms of mental health. Do you see a psychologist? It can help you with OCD, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression. Might worth a try.

::::BASSIST:::: · #8 03-13-2010, 02:00 PM

Tried meditation?

You need to re-connect to your centre.

... and if I may be honest, I don't think you are ready to take custody of your daughter at this time. You need to pull yourself together first.

My advice is to start with one attainable goal at a time. Make sure it is actually attainable. Once you have overcome one of your problems then take on another. One thing at a time, slow and easy.

Good luck. I'll be rootin' for you.

RWP · #9 03-13-2010, 02:07 PM

Try to focus on the good things in your life and be positive. By the way, drinking will only make things worse, I know.

Relic · #10 03-13-2010, 02:10 PM

You gotta hang in there kiddo. I give you a lot of credit - you actually recognize the fact that you have these issues. That may sound weird but in my own personal opinion, (and based on my experience with an ex-wife with similar issues) a person who has no friggen clue that they have these issues and blames everyone around them for all of their woes is beyond hope. The fact that you know and recognize the OCD, PTSD, ADHD, and so on means to me that given the right chance you can and will kick it's arse.
You just need to do anything and everything you can do to beat the s*** out of it. Read books, research online, look into seeing if you can see a psychiatrist or psychologist.... do ANYTHING you can do to beat it and given time you will.
I lived with someone for 10 years who was in denial and I still have the scars to prove it. You aren't denying it which impresses the hell out of me. best of luck to ya.

jongor · #11 03-13-2010, 02:17 PM

You really SHOULD contact some sort of local hot line or something so you can have someone to talk to, they can help you.

drteeth · #12 03-13-2010, 02:21 PM

In my experience, medication is not a long-term solution. The way I experienced it, antidepressants and the like only numb your feelings, but they are still there. And when you, someday, stop using the antidepressants those feelings are still right there waiting behind the corner. In my opinion, the only solution which will last in the long term is professional therapy. With that, in time you will come out on top.

On the cancer: hang in there. Do not put yourself down with negative thoughts (however hard that may be at the time), keep thinking positive. For me, that was the only way to keep going.

YMMV.

MakiSupaStar · #13 03-13-2010, 02:22 PM

Ok. Perhaps my initial assessment of this thread was a little harsh. I like the accomplish one thing at a time approach and DON'T DRINK. Drinking has a very good chance of adding to your list of problems to solve. Good luck.

Lady Kayri · #14 03-13-2010, 03:56 PM

I second the fact that you recognize you have problems, and need help, is the first and a major step in the right direction. Also plus one the taking one step at a time. "Slow and steady" may sound corny, but it works.

I have mild bipolar, and the only time I had depression really kick in, found that taking long walks in the middle of the day - thus soaking up a fair amount of sunlight as well as getting exercise - helped enormously. (also discovered I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder - if I don't get enough sunlight, I get depressed.) You may also want to check out some of the dietary websites - sometimes what you eat can affect your mental health; you may well have food allergies you aren't aware of. And different foods can also cause a temporary 'high' followed by a nasty crash, if your body chemistry is even a little bit off. It may well be worth while to change out your diet for a while, see if that can help your 'mood swings' and depression. Having said that, I wouldn't rule out professional help; sometimes if your blood chemistry / hormones are enough off, you may NEED medical assistance (therapy and/or medication) to help you get back on track.

As far as your daughter, is she currently in a situation where she is in danger? If she has a fairly stable home life, you may want to consider leaving her there until you get your own life back on track. Courts / judges are usually much more willing to give custody back to a parent if they've shown they've taken real steps to get straight. I have a friend who went through this. If the court turns you down because of mental health issues and what not, it can make it that much harder to try and get her back later; sometimes it's better to let the 'sleeping dogs lie' for a time until you can get all your ducks in a row. So long as you're allowed at least some contact with her, it may be better for both of you if you let that matter slide for a little while. Not saying to never try and get custody back, but just saying that this particular moment may not be the best one to make the attempt.

As far as the boyfriend - if he doesn't / isn't giving his full support, stand back a moment and ask yourself why? Is it because he doesn't think you're ready to have full custody? Is it because he doesn't really WANT any kids at the moment? Is it because he doesn't really give a **** one way or the other? In any case, you need to find out why he isn't supporting you - and then ask yourself if that lack of support is indicative of his attitude toward you as a whole. (For that matter, if he hasn't manned up enough to sit down and TELL YOU why he's not being very supportive, well... that sort of lack of communication is bad enough in the sort of relationship the two of you are in now, and certainly doesn't speak well of what might happen if you ever decide to make your relationship official...) Not saying dump him, but stand back a moment and consider if this is really someone you want around in the long term. If he isn't supporting you in this, what else is he not going to support you in?

I'd also add that sometimes you get a lot more support from friends than you're going to get from family... And I fully understand the need to vent. Sometimes it's a heck of a lot easier to vent to comparitive strangers than to those who really know you, and it certainly helps relieve a bit of the stress. And perhaps some of the suggestions people have made here will be of some help.

**pacojas** · #15 03-13-2010, 04:08 PM

honey?,... is that you?!!!
seriously,.. you sound like every x-gf i've ever had!!! good thing for you is,.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! when ever you feel like giving up, spend an hour watching "Nancy Grace" and realize how GOOD you really have it!!!! gl.

ps: medical marijuana is MUCH better than pills!!!

CapnSev · #16 03-13-2010, 04:46 PM

I'm sorry to hear about all your problems, it really sucks and helps me to count my blessings.

What you are doing though is committing the cardinal sin of women, not crazy women, just women. You're letting things build up on top of each other until you're ready to explode because "nothing in your life is right". I agree with the others that you need to do the best with what you've got and do things one at a time. Look at the positive you have.

I look at it like you have 3 choices when dealing problems or trials in life:

1) Get angry. This is the stupid option. If you ask me, anger is a secondary emotion to the real issue and makes people do a lot of stupid things. Sure, getting mad is part of life, but sitting around stewing about things doesn't help anybody. In your case, Going to drink yourself silly because you're angry is stupid and helps nothing. If anything you will make it worse.

2) Let it go and move on. A lot of times the past is the past, and there's nothing you can do about it, so relax and let it go. A stoic person who can drop things and move on is a person I respect.

3) Fix it. If you can, stop whining and fix it. Nothing cures depression like lowering your shoulder into some hard work. The greatest people in history are those that sacked up and worked their way from nothing to the top. Everybody in this country that is willing to work hard has the opportunity for as much reward as they are willing to put effort into. Growing and learning along the way is is just as valuable as the destination.

Props for hanging tough. I've seen a lot of people throw away their lives who were in a lot easier situation than you.

ryco · #17 03-13-2010, 05:01 PM

Forget pills and medication. It seems like that is all the health system can ever come up with = throw pills at the problem.

I have a lot of the same stuff you have and second the idea of meditation and good nutrition.

It sounds like you understand yourself and recognize a lot of your discomforts -- that's half of the battle right there. You sound like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders.

Sucks about losing it at work. Any chance you can go back and explain things to the boss? Everybody has crappy days.

Try and find a support group, or at least some gentler people to surround yourself with. Get out of your living arrangement asap - don't need to be around negative people when your trying to fix your situation for the better.

Good luck!

Radical Edward · #18 03-13-2010, 05:11 PM

I'm in a much better mood, at the moment. Eh.... Thanks for all of the ... kind words and such. .. I wont drink much.. I'm a lightweight. :P

5StringBlues · #19 03-13-2010, 05:20 PM

Seriously tho,hang in there.Play some bass.

Radical Edward · #20 03-13-2010, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 5StringBlues

Seriously tho,hang in there.Play some bass.

Oh, there was people to choke... Lol.
And I did play some bass, today.. though. .. my bass has something wrong with it, which sucks. :P I haven't the time or energy to do this week a lot and I was practicing at least an hour every day. Sucks, but I suppose that's life for you. I'll be okay.. I just had a moment, I guess. Sometimes it just gets to me. In this **** life...