Sometimes life is hard.

[Funky Ghost]

I have a real hard choice to make today with my ex-wife, Dena.

We are still very close, Dena and I. In point of fact we have been best of friends since high school. I've been around her all my adult life and as a result, her mother too. We had two children together, and had to endure the worst thing a parent can go through, the death of our child. We had to make the choice to turn off the machine. It seems Dena is now face to face with that somber reality again.

This was my weekend with my daughter. I got a call early yesterday and it was my ex. I could tell she had been crying. She told me that she was over at her moms house doing her laundry ( her mom has been somewhat infirm for about a year now ). Her mom was sleeping in her room. She had complained of shortness of breath the day before but refused to go to the hospital. Dena, regretfully against her better judgement, allowed her mom to talk her out of the trip. Well Dena went to check on her mom between loads and found her not breathing and blue. She started CPR while calling 911. Her mom, Sharon, is now on life support, but shows no signs of brain activity as of yesterday. My heart aches for her as she is super close to her mom, as is my daughter. That is the tough choice.

Do we let Nadean say goodbye? My thought was yes. She is 9 and very very close to her grandma. We could tell her that her grandma can hear her even though she can't talk back to her. Still, ICU and tubes.. the machines, it could be traumatic for a 9 year old.

I'm not sure what to do. Sharon was every bit my mom too. I've called her that since before Dena and I were married.

Has anyone had to make a choice like this?

[Phalex]

We had to make the same decision with my own mother 26 years ago. It's a hard decision to make.

My gut feeling is to let your daughter be a part of what's happening. Death is a part of life and she should know that.

Whether or not a 9 year old is ready to learn that is another thing entirely.

[LarryO]

My family and I had to end life support on my father this past february. It's hard, and there really isn't a right or wrong thing to do........I guess you just have to have her best interest in mind and ask yourself "what would she want us to do".

[jmattbassplaya]

I'd say yes. I was 9 when my dog died, and my mother asked if I wanted to see him before they buried him. I said yes, and I'm glad I did. It gave me a chance to see him, talk to him, and touch him before he was gone for good, and that really helped in the healing process. And while I won't make my dog out to be more important than her grandmother, he was still a family member and one I was very close to ever since I was a baby.

[sneha1965]

I'm sorry to hear this FG. I have never had to make that choice before and really it's only a choice you and your family can make. If it were me I would let the child say good bye.

[MakiSupaStar]

Originally Posted by Phalex

We had to make the same decision with my own mother 26 years ago. It's a hard decision to make.

My gut feeling is to let your daughter be a part of what's happening. Death is a part of life and she should know that.

Whether or not a 9 year old is ready to learn that is another thing entirely.

+1. Yeah this. That's my inclination as well. Sorry to hear.

[colcifer]

Tough call. What's your gut saying?

Also important: How are you holding up?

[Tituscrow]

That's tough man, really tough.

I was 12 when my grandad died and I was allowed to see him in hospital all tubed up, gaunt, vacant and weighing about two stone wet through. I was also allowed to his funeral and I remember seeing all these big, strong adults, including my 'superman' dad in pieces as they lowered him into the ground.

I was 25 when I lost my dad and whilst the funeral was horrendous, I was the only one who didn't go and see him in the chapel of rest all buffed-up for his cremation.

My grandad died after a long, painful, drawn out battle against cancer and my dad died suddenly of a heart attack in front of my (then 18 year old) brother.

Allow me to relate this to your current predicament. My abiding memories of my grandad are of the funeral and the hospital, influenced by my last few times with him. I think I was given the choice and in hindsight I wish I hadn't gone through with all that. With my dad, my abiding memories are of his big, stupid happy face , his bald head and the time he played air-guitar along to Slayer at my 21st birthday party, not of a dead man in a coffin.

I guess what I'm saying is that regardless of age, death and funerals stick with you. If your daughter sees her grandma like this, it is likely to be in her head for a long, long time and may supplant the happy memories she currently has. But she's your kid, you know her better than anyone and only you can judge whether she has the emotional strength and maturity to cope. All the cuddles in the world won't help her during those moments alone at night when we close our eyes and have nothing but our thoughts.

Wishing you nothing but good luck.

[Mike M.]

Many years ago, a friend of mine who was 20 at the time lost his sister who was about 23. She was killed in a car accident. He told me that everytime he thought about her for the next four years he could only picture her one way....laying in that damn box.

You know your daughter better than us and she might be a very mature 9 year old who can handle the harsh reality of seeing her grandmother in the hospital in that condition. While you can't hide death from them...again, you know if your daughter can handle this.

I wish you the best.

[MatticusMania]

Im also going to say yes, you should let your daughter say goodbye, especially if she had any kind of relationship with her grandmother.
I wish my parents would have doent he same for me.
When I was around 16 or so I found out my grandmother had breast cancer, by accident.
My aunt called to speak to my parents, who werent at home. She told me to tell them that it was cancer. I knew something was wrong as my parents had been visiting my grandparents more often than usual, but being 16 and not being told anything I really didnt know what was up.
I didnt have the closest relationship with my grandmother, but I loved her dearly. All of her children were present when she stopped breathing and they made the decision to pull the plug. I never got the chance to say goodbye, though. I dont resent them for it or anything, as I know they werent trying to deceive me, but IMO there is no point in trying to protect a 17 year old from the realities of death. I was 17 when she passed, just a month after attending a funeral for a friend who had hung himself.

[5StringBlues]

So sorry to hear Funky....


Mom passed in May. We let all the great grandkids in to see her before she died.


It'll be ok.




L

[kuys]

Its your decison brother. Do what you think is right.

Why are funerals in the anglo-saxton traditions so somber and depressing? When I go I want everyone to throw a party and remember the joyful memories. I dont want them to carry such a horrible image/experience of my passing but one of an amazing party.

Sorry for the rant. Ive been to two funerals in the last few months. Give the old girl a helluva send off. Reinforce the memories of the life and the good times you shared with her.

[Funky Ghost]

Thank you all. You've given me some very good things to think about and your stories are much appreciated as well. Thank you for sharing them.

I don't care what anyone says, TB OT are some of the best folks on the planet. I'll roll with you all till the wheels fall off.

[L-A]

A tough call. My gut feeling is that nine is a bit young, but all children have different heads. To say goodbye to grandma might be a great moment for your girl, in closure and understanding of life.

Death is a hard lesson, even when you're ready for it.

[MonetBass]

Originally Posted by Phalex

We had to make the same decision with my own mother 26 years ago. It's a hard decision to make.

My gut feeling is to let your daughter be a part of what's happening. Death is a part of life and she should know that.

Whether or not a 9 year old is ready to learn that is another thing entirely.

+2 to this. My father died when I was four, and my mom took me into his hospital room to talk to him the day he died. (Obviously they knew he didn't have long.) It's one of the few memories I have of him, and it chokes me up to this day when I think about it. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sorry to hear about your situation, though. It's never easy. Good vibes coming your way, man.

[SBassman]

Sorry to hear. Prayers for the family. It's a very hard decision, and the answer is different for every individual and family.

What you decide will be the right thing for your family.

[Munjibunga]

Yes. At nine, she's old enough, and it will give her some closure.

[Skitch it!]

Well, it's something you will have to decide for the best yourself in the long run.

I was allowed to see my grandfather in an open casket as a kid, to this day I wish that I had not, it isn't how I want to remember him, but that frame is in there.

[kesslari]

I'm sorry to hear this, Funky.
You know your daughter best. For me, having made the decision for my daughter (who was 8) when my father passed, the closure was a good thing.
Sending you and yours positive thoughts.

[Funky Ghost]

Well I just got off the phone with Dena. We are going to keep my daughter away. I guess the tubes and stuff have Sharon looking very unnatural ( eyes bulging and very bloated ) She is pretty much gone already. I'm picking my girl up after work so Dena can handle what needs to be done. We both had a good cry at lunch and we're moving forward.

Super advice all around. Again, my sincere thanks to all of you. Wonderful stories too. Kinda feel like tragedy brings folks closer. Sad, but true. I guess such is the way of life. The stories have a way of immortalizing those we love when shared.