Stuck in relationship out of guilt.

[jmattbassplaya]

Originally Posted by hrodbert696

4) And like Lady Kayri said, and as is implied in the "bang some chicks" advice - this girl isn't the only one in the world. There are others and you'll find your way to them. Just chill out and be patient. You'll be all the more attractive to them as you get more at peace with yourself, by the way.

Definitely +1 to this.

After I got out of my last real relationship I had a real hard time dealing with people. I just didn't know how to act socially around people anymore, and it made me pretty depressed. I ended up forcing myself to try to break through that barrier, and while it was hard at first I eventually came out of it a much better person.

I'm a lot happier these days, and it's obvious that other people (including women) can really tell the difference. People react to me differently than they did before, and they want to be around me because I'm always giving off good vibes. Likewise, I'm feeling so much better because people are always asking me to go out and do fun things.

Anyways, I said that to say this - focus on yourself first, go out and be social and active, and don't feel the need to be in a relationship to fight loneliness. Believe me, if you're a happy and fun person to be around then you'll never be alone even if you are single; and if you are single and fun to be around then you're going to attract a lot of really good potential mates.

[warwick.hoy]

Yeah,...post breakup is definitely a good time to focus on bettering yourself. If you are posting on a bass forum I'm assuming you are involved in music somehow. Immerse yourself in it. Find a band and use it as an outlet for whatever is tormenting you.

Try and pick up more hours at work to keep you busy and maybe afford you some of the things you need to further your hobbies (if you need a bass or an amp upgrade).

If you are not heavily immersed in the playing side,...start going to local shows and making friends.

I'm sure in due time you'll get past the mopey stage,....but realize that it's not enjoyable for others to be around a downer.

[hover]

Originally Posted by MJ5150

If anyone is feeling guilt it would be her after you laid the depression and suicide feelings on her.

Yup.

[Bloodhammer]

I would bow out before you find out what she's really up to. When you finally hear it through the grapevine, hopefully the break-up will be far enough in the past to soften the blow.

DON'T MOPE AROUND AND TALK ABOUT SUICIDE. People don't owe you sympathy (it makes them uncomfortable) and if you do off yourself, she likely won't care (your folks will, though). It's a waste. You could go to a shrink, like some have suggested, but I never did because the bill would have made my depression much worse. I don't know how you go about paying doctors in the UK, though...

You need confidence, NML1986san.

[TOOL460002]

If you haven't seen her in a long time and your sex life doesn't immediately start up again that night, then that tells me you are done.

[NML1986]

Thanks everyone, feel a bit better today, I'm going to tell her it's over today. The mood swings and dark thoughts are more than likely caused by my medication I'm on for epilepsy, but everything else is not helping with it.

I would love to get playing in a band again, but doesn't seem to be any around in my area now, the last live music venue for unsigned original bands in my city shut last night. Sucks.

My parents have lived away in Scotland for 2 years, so haven't seen them much, but they're coming back in the next few months, will be so happy to see them again.

Think my friend said something about going into town tonight.

[keiththebassist]

Originally Posted by NML1986

I have to admit I am fearing loneliness.

I am/was in EXACTLY the same place you are, so please listen to what I have to say here:

First of all, I hope you were bluffing when suggesting that you were entertaining suicide. NO relationship, I repeat, NO relationship is worth ending your life over, though it may feel like that's the easiest solution sometimes, I promise, it never is.

I just broke up with my girlfriend tonight, as in, just before typing this, so pleas trust me in that I know how you're feeling right now.

Sounds like we had some similar problems, she and I had dated seriously for three years with plenty of ups and downs and eventually concluded that we just didn't see eye to eye.

It sucks, I'm hurting right now and none of my friends are here for me at the moment. But you know what? Life goes on my friend. I know it's easy to hear and not as easy to live, but it's true.

Nobody is worth considering ending you're life over, period.

I'm sad that she and I will not be together anymore, but I'm starting to be okay with it. Wanna know why? Because I know in my heart and mind that I am a good person, I am caring and friendly and understanding and that's worth a lot to some people, I'm willing to bet that you share some of the same qualities. If you feel like you do, then trust that you do and let her go, chances are she will not make a 180 turn and be who you need her to be. But if you're a good person, women will recognize that and want to be with you.

Also, yeah, have sex with some asian women, that helps.

[NML1986]

Originally Posted by keiththebassist

I am/was in EXACTLY the same place you are, so please listen to what I have to say here:

First of all, I hope you were bluffing when suggesting that you were entertaining suicide. NO relationship, I repeat, NO relationship is worth ending your life over, though it may feel like that's the easiest solution sometimes, I promise, it never is.

I just broke up with my girlfriend tonight, as in, just before typing this, so pleas trust me in that I know how you're feeling right now.

Sounds like we had some similar problems, she and I had dated seriously for three years with plenty of ups and downs and eventually concluded that we just didn't see eye to eye.

It sucks, I'm hurting right now and none of my friends are here for me at the moment. But you know what? Life goes on my friend. I know it's easy to hear and not as easy to live, but it's true.

Nobody is worth considering ending you're life over, period.

I'm sad that she and I will not be together anymore, but I'm starting to be okay with it. Wanna know why? Because I know in my heart and mind that I am a good person, I am caring and friendly and understanding and that's worth a lot to some people, I'm willing to bet that you share some of the same qualities. If you feel like you do, then trust that you do and let her go, chances are she will not make a 180 turn and be who you need her to be. But if you're a good person, women will recognize that and want to be with you.

Also, yeah, have sex with some asian women, that helps.

Thanks, I hope all goes well for you. The suicide thing, I don't think I ever will, I've never threatened to do it, I only have thoughts of it, death etc. That's what I've told her.

[smeet]

Originally Posted by NML1986

Thanks everyone, feel a bit better today, I'm going to tell her it's over today. The mood swings and dark thoughts are more than likely caused by my medication I'm on for epilepsy, but everything else is not helping with it.

Good luck, stay strong and let us know how it goes. And maybe you should think about changing medications...

[Vorago]

Look on the bright side, she's obviously not super in love with you anymore & you want to break up, plus you have different goals in life.

It could have been worse, she could have been madly in love with you, already shopping for baby clothes, with you...not so enthusiastic about kids.

[NML1986]

Well it's done. A massive weight lifted off my chest.

Was over the phone, she took it well, just said she wants a few things back. I want my keys back. So I'm sure she'll have something to say when she comes to get her things.

[Jazz Ad]

Well done.
Chances are she lost interest but didn't know how to approach it either.

[5StringFool]

Originally Posted by jmattbassplaya

You can be alone and not be lonely.

+1

And on the flip side, you can be in a relationship and feel incredibly alone and isolated. My last relationship lasted 10 years, and the last few were awful. I've been single for about three years now and quite enjoy the freedom; and the lack of pressure that being in a relationship sometimes brings with it.

To the OP... you're young, learn who you are. Work on building a life for yourself. Then you'll actually have something to share with someone else when the right person comes along.

[Tat2dHeart]

Loneliness is not such a terrible thing when compared to the torture of a bad relationship. In my own experience, I was far more lonely during the bad relationship than I have been since I got out. As far as the guilt goes, you'll be surprised how much guilt and loneliness go away when you get yourself out and start living your life your way.

Practice more. Get out and see shows. Hang with your friends for as long as you like (and you can tolerate each other). Do things you want to do whether anyone else wants to do them or not. Learn to be happy. When you are happy, it shows, and that combination of happiness, relaxation, and the enjoyment of life will make you very, very, very attractive to the opposite sex.

[keiththebassist]

Originally Posted by NML1986

Well it's done. A massive weight lifted off my chest.

Was over the phone, she took it well, just said she wants a few things back. I want my keys back. So I'm sure she'll have something to say when she comes to get her things.

Good for you man!

[MJ5150]

Originally Posted by NML1986

Well it's done. A massive weight lifted off my chest.

Did you clear the air about the depression and suicidal feelings you have in connection with her?

-Mike

[Sonic_Death]

Originally Posted by NML1986

Well it's done. A massive weight lifted off my chest.

Was over the phone, she took it well, just said she wants a few things back. I want my keys back. So I'm sure she'll have something to say when she comes to get her things.

Not trying to sound flippant, but congratulations. I know it's a tough move to make, but it was likely the right one.

In my past experience, when you're doing post-breakup exchange of stuff, keep it short and bittersweet. No further dialogue needs to occur, and you really don't need to see her again.

Many things can go wrong in that time of seeing each other, so make it as short as possible and don't talk about anything serious. This is just my opinion, but I suggest heeding it.

[jmattbassplaya]

Yeah, best not explain things now. If she asks why the breakup just say you've got some things going on that need to be sorted and that you can give her a better answer later if she still wants one (and by later I mean 4-6 months later lol).

[NML1986]

Her brother came to collect her things today and I got my keys back, sorted.

[Lady Kayri]

If there aren't any active gigging bands in need of bass players in your area, at least look for someone who wants to just jam. Better playing WITH someone rather than just by yourself, even if it is just in someone's living room. If nothing else, playing with another muso rather than CDs / backing tracks will keep you on your toes, making adjustments as the music changes organically, rather than to the same track every time. I know that now that I am regularly rehearsing with someone, it really gets me stoked and spending a lot more time woodshedding. Plus you never know what might come of it in the long run, you might make some contacts that will help later on.