Study shows women always answer their phones, unless...

[Deluge Of Sound]

... they're in the middle of screwing someone else.

BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study released Monday by sociologists at Indiana University found that women will always answer their telephones unless mind-blowing sex with a man other than the caller prevents them from doing so.

The findings were consistent across all demographic groups in a sampling of 500 females between the ages of 18 to 35, which included women who were romantically involved with the caller but had requested some time apart to clear their heads, as well as women who had dated the caller briefly but assumed it was understood by both parties that the relationship had not worked out.

"No matter who they were, or what their perceived or actual relationship with the male caller was, women who failed to pick up the phone were statistically all but certain to be deep in the throes of coital passion with one or more virile lovers at the time of the call," researcher Patrick Berger said. "In addition, a vast majority of the female participants we observed had seemingly forgotten all about the relationship they once had with the caller, and were, in fact, completely consumed by the vaginal gratification they were currently receiving."

"A type of gratification they would hesitate to even call 'sex,' since it was so much more intense and transcendent than any kind of sex they had experienced before," Berger added.

The study revealed that 80 percent of the time, women who declined to answer their phones were, at that very moment, being sexually pleasured by a man superior to the caller in terms of looks, genital endowment, and stamina. Researchers also found that a majority of women picked up the phone, examined the caller ID, and told their male lover "It's nobody" before continuing with sexual intercourse.

In another 15 percent of cases, female research subjects had just journeyed to a land of pure sexual delight with another man and were, at the time the phone rang, smoking a cigarette while letting their fingertips graze over the unusually thick penis that had just brought them to, on average, four orgasms. The remaining 5 percent of non-answerers consisted of women who were stimulating their own genitals, either while talking on the phone to another man, instant-messaging another man, or simply imagining another man who had sexually turned them inside out on a recent occasion.

"It's true that in a negligible number of cases, women did not answer because their cell battery had legitimately died," Berger said. "But in each instance, they had either failed to charge their phone because they'd spent the night in someone else's apartment, or had used up their battery's power sending pictures of their naked body to another man."

The study emphasized that while women who failed to answer the phone were almost unquestionably with someone else enjoying the most volcanic sensual escapade they'd ever had, there was also the possibility that they were busy gazing deeply into another man's eyes, knowing and feeling a type of love they had never known or felt before.

"In many cases, during the time of the call, the woman was spending the afternoon with the man at that museum she's always wanted to visit, afterward watching the sunset from the deck of the man's boat," said social psychologist Michael Corbin, a coauthor of the study. "In each case, the woman didn't want a ringtone ruining a moment of true spiritual connection with the first man she had ever really, truly loved with all her heart."

"Sex, however, always occurred subsequently," Corbin added.

According to the researchers, the findings of this latest study are fully consistent with their previous behavioral investigations.

"Our prior research has already demonstrated that any communication between women and their old high school boyfriends will result in sexual relations and that a girls' night out invariably leads to sexual contact with multiple men met in bars," Corbin said. "We won't be surprised if instances of women getting a drink after work with that cool, funny male coworker they're always talking about yield similar results."

The study also concluded that 99 percent of women who pick up the phone quickly and enthusiastically do so because they are expecting a call from another man

Is anyone really surprised?

Really?

Link

[Selta]

A sample of 500 is seriously considered a study? Most people put more effort into their masters/PhD thesis!

[Jared Lash]

Anyone else think The Onion isn't as funny as it used to be?

[Selta]

Originally Posted by Jared Lash

Anyone else think The Onion isn't as funny as it used to be?

Ah, snap. I didn't follow the link since the OP posted it for us. My bad

[IconBasser]

lmao, the whole time I was reading, I though "There's no way this is an academic publication. The diction used is more reminiscent of a porno". *sigh* I think I just Mark Wilsoned.

[Skitch it!]

Takes a lot less than jiggy for a non answer, shopping, that'll let the house burn down for sure : )

[EricF]

There are lots of reasons why women don't answer the phone. Me calling them seems to be the biggest reason.

[Kwesi]

Originally Posted by IconBasser

lmao, the whole time I was reading, I though "There's no way this is an academic publication. The diction used is more reminiscent of a porno". *sigh* I think I just Mark Wilsoned.

LOL same here! Even from the first sentence there was a voice in the back of my head saying "Onion... Onion.... Onion... ONION!!!!!" and it didn't go away until I clicked the link and confirmed it.

[rr5025]

Yea I figured that was the Onion pretty early on.

[hover]

BLOOMINGTON, IN

Blooming On,I(o)n

Onion.

Ok, that was a reach. I'm going to bed.

[Skitch it!]

Originally Posted by EricF

There are lots of reasons why women don't answer the phone. Me calling them seems to be the biggest reason.

That's true, but that's only happened since your 'caught with your pants down' incident, you know, remember the one when you......

[EricF]

Originally Posted by Skitch it!

That's true, but that's only happened since your 'caught with your pants down' incident, you know, remember the one when you......

Well, you might be on to something there...wait...HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW???!!!!


(You certainly have adapted to TBOT very quickly, Skitch.)

[Kwesi]

Originally Posted by EricF

(You certainly have adapted to TBOT very quickly, Skitch.)

One of us! One of us!

[Skitch it!]

Originally Posted by EricF

Well, you might be on to something there...wait...HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW???!!!!


(You certainly have adapted to TBOT very quickly, Skitch.)

A wise man knows everything, a shrewd man knows everyone, that's how I heard about your 'incident'

As for TBOT I'm still best described as skulking around ; )

[MatticusMania]

I was going to say, my lady always answers my calls and often ignores everybody else's. WHO's THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS NOW!?

Then I saw the onion link and my ego was once again deflated...

[Skitch it!]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

I was going to say, my lady always answers my calls and often ignores everybody else's. WHO's THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS NOW!?

Then I saw the onion link and my ego was once again deflated...

And not just the ego deflated I presume, they know how to hit where it hurts : )

[EricF]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

...my ego was once again deflated...

This is a feeling you will become familiar with after you are married.

[MatticusMania]

From dealing with my test wife I am well versed in ego deflation. Im surprised mine can retain the swelling at all after being chewed up and ripped apart so many times. I must have a really good patching system.

[EricF]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

From dealing with my test wife I am well versed in ego deflation. Im surprised mine can retain the swelling at all after being chewed up and ripped apart so many times. I must have a really good patching system.

Here's hoping your keeper-wife will be less motivated to poke holes.

[MatticusMania]

Prost!

So far so good, but Ive been riding out a wave of good luck, so one never can tell...