Substance Abuse

[Valiant Bandit]

I'm very open about many things in life and I'm not afraid to say that I'm open about my struggle with substance abuse. I find talking about it makes recovery A LOT easier than just bottling up my feelings...Plus I hope my rants help fellow people coping with the same problem like their rants have helped me.

I have chronic body pain (Fibromyalgia.) . It took me a long time to accept it...In fact I was diagnosed in 2009 and I didn't accept it until a little over a month ago. I've been struggling with pain killers because of how they make me feel. If I take a Lortab (Vicodin.) , *boom* it's like I'm instantaneously 18 years old again...I have all of this energy and I want to do this and do that and I feel so damned happy! I can run my fingers up and down a bass like I've been playing for 20 years and make it sound perfect. But thankfully I finally hit rock bottom a month ago...I was out of Lortab (I would buy them from people.) and I didn't have any money. My wife is a hair dresser so she gets tips all the time. I remember one night when she was sleeping, I saw $50 in her wallet. I took her wallet into my room, took the $50, stopped and started bawling my eyes out...I couldn't believe my addiction had gotten so bad that I was actually contemplating taking money from someone who I cared more than I have ever cared about in my life. It was bad enough I was spending rent money on my addiction, and the fact that if I saved all the money I was spending on pills, I could've gotten a Fender FSR Jazz bass. Now THAT'S sad.

I could've had a sweet bass. I've dreamt of having a Fender...Although I love my SXes, I mean Fender just represents who I am. I drive an antique car, most of my clothes are over 25 years old...crap...I mean before I started posting this, I was playing Super Mario Brothers 3 on my NES...Needless to say, I'm an Analog Boy in a Digital World!

After I hit rock bottom, I realized that I was looking at a fork in the road - I could turn right and let my chronic pain dictate my life and become enslaved to it or I could turn left and be my crazy self and beat the crap out of it.

I went left.

I'm happy to say that I never took any money from my wife to buy pills. But her back has been killing her lately and she's going to be going to the doctor and you know they're going to give her pain killers and ALL I CAN THINK OF IS GETTING ONE OF THOSE PILLS. My mentale is "Well 2 won't kill you. It's moderation. Just take 2 and quit."

But it doesn't just "end". It's an addiction as strong as cigarettes. And my mind keeps trying to rationalize that I can buy 2-4 Lortabs and that's okay because it's "In moderation." and "It's okay to get high every once in a while.".. And I have to keep telling myself "No, it's not! This isn't like Pot. This is HEROIN IN PILL FORM. You take it once and you're *boom* right back into being addicted!" But I've been counting my small victories:

-It felt great to rock out playing the bassline to "Rock Your Body" by Justin Timberlake today. I never was able to do that sober.
-So what if I'm a mediocre bassist when I'm sober? I've only been playing since April. With enough practice, I'll someday become a good bassist WITHOUT the assistance of pills.
-It feels great to be happy SOBER. Not because some opioid is making your brain think it's happy!
-If I play my cards right, I'll be able to save up enough money to build my own Fender Jaguar bass. Now THAT would be sweet.
-I've been working out and walking A LOT lately. The result? My body hurts substantially less now than it did a month ago.

I guess maybe this is just a pointless rant...But an addiction can happen to anyone. Addiction, like the devil; doesn't discriminate.

[Relic]

You hang in there brother. You sound like you have one helluva head on your shoulders, you just have to do everything in your power to stay away from the pain killers. have your wife hide the things if she has to but you gotta be strong!

[gustobassman]

Good for you! Being a recovering addict myself (not shamed by it in any way), i totally understand your feelings. My first show i played not on drugs was amazing (after the addiction, i had played numerous shows without the bad stuff before i got hooked). I could've had 2 Fodera's, a new car, who knows what else with all the money i spent on my drug of choice. I have been clean since May '08 and haven never felt better. I made really bad decisions during my period and without the help of my REAL friends i could never have gotten through it. Kudos to you man. Every day is a new day, the only one who can keep you going is yourself. Be proud of who you are, not who you were.

[Papa Dangerous]

Kudos to you man. Your rant was not pointless at all. It does not matter if no one even responded because writing is on the best things to do in really crumby situations. I have gone on for pages dealing with my own situations, and pouring my heart. I have sent those papers to a single person, or either on TB. There is something about submitting such information to the public that truly helps.

Your story struck a soul chord when you said you were about to take your wife's money and than broke down. As low of a point that might have been, it was monumental in its own accord. You know what is acceptable, and what is not. Many people do not care, many people let the addiction dictate every aspect of their life and they do nothing about it. You seem to be wiser than that. I imagine you never getting involved with these pills had you not been forced due to the Fibromyalgia.

With many things, time is a healer, and it cannot be rushed. Celebrate those small victories everyday! Whether it be another day clean, or a great workout at the gym. Breath deep on a windy day and feel the cool fresh air run through your lungs and imagine the oxygen flowing throughout body. It is something so basic to existence, but so easily taken advantage of, and forgotten. That serene feeling of a pure moment based only on you is superb.

Godspeed to you man.

[Bloodhammer]

I don't have any medical problems associated with chronic pain, but a friend of mine did a few years ago. Well, he probably still does, but I haven't seen to him in a few years...

He had what I call a "Doctor Feelgood". (*bursts into song*) This guy actually got busted by the Feds for over-prescribing painkillers. My friend, knowing that he would probably DIE if he took as much as he had, was giving me his surplus for my own recreation. We're not talking Lortab (hydrocodone) - this was Percocet (oxycodone) and Methadone!

I did the stuff almost every day (mostly after work) for like a year and a half until Doctor Drugdealer got busted and the supply dried up. I expected to be kicking and screaming and just completely miserable and out of my mind, but aside from a temporary spike in drinking, I actually just dropped it.

I'll admit that it sucked and I was not a happy camper for a couple of weeks, but I didn't search for the stuff or think about how much better I'd feel if I had some. I had my run and it was over.

Good for you that you put your will above your cravings! It takes a strong mind to just quit.

[chuck norriss]

Congrats man you made it out. Me too. I'm nodding my head.

[Skitch it!]

You recognize and are aware of your predisposition, takes a lot of internal strength and self awareness to do that. It is the biggest step froward toward forming coping and diversionary strategies, more power to you Sir, that is quite some accomplishment in itself. As far as the idea of 'just the one will be O.K', remember it's just a temporary frame you need to divert yourself from to get the perspective back. As for what happened back down the line, that was then, nothing exists outside the moment which is now, take it easy and keep the focus.

[Valiant Bandit]

Originally Posted by Papa Dangerous

Kudos to you man. Your rant was not pointless at all. It does not matter if no one even responded because writing is on the best things to do in really crumby situations. I have gone on for pages dealing with my own situations, and pouring my heart. I have sent those papers to a single person, or either on TB. There is something about submitting such information to the public that truly helps.

Your story struck a soul chord when you said you were about to take your wife's money and than broke down. As low of a point that might have been, it was monumental in its own accord. You know what is acceptable, and what is not. Many people do not care, many people let the addiction dictate every aspect of their life and they do nothing about it. You seem to be wiser than that. I imagine you never getting involved with these pills had you not been forced due to the Fibromyalgia.

With many things, time is a healer, and it cannot be rushed. Celebrate those small victories everyday! Whether it be another day clean, or a great workout at the gym. Breath deep on a windy day and feel the cool fresh air run through your lungs and imagine the oxygen flowing throughout body. It is something so basic to existence, but so easily taken advantage of, and forgotten. That serene feeling of a pure moment based only on you is superb.

Godspeed to you man.

I actually teared up reading your post.

Here's something funny:
When Velvet Revolver 1st came out, I hated them and I used to make fun of their song "Fall To Pieces" because I thought the singing was so horrible...
Now that I'm in recovery, that song and the music video means so f*king much to me. And yes that serene feeling of a pure moment based only on myself is amazing. I remember the 1st weekend of being sober and my wife and I hoped into my Valiant and I drove on the highway that passes all of the gorgeous mountains in Nevada. The sun was setting and its rays made the mountains an iridescent purple. I smiled and started tearing up because I was witnessing something beautiful sober and I was happy.

[Valiant Bandit]

Originally Posted by Bloodhammer

I don't have any medical problems associated with chronic pain, but a friend of mine did a few years ago. Well, he probably still does, but I haven't seen to him in a few years...

He had what I call a "Doctor Feelgood". (*bursts into song*) This guy actually got busted by the Feds for over-prescribing painkillers. My friend, knowing that he would probably DIE if he took as much as he had, was giving me his surplus for my own recreation. We're not talking Lortab (hydrocodone) - this was Percocet (oxycodone) and Methadone!

I did the stuff almost every day (mostly after work) for like a year and a half until Doctor Drugdealer got busted and the supply dried up. I expected to be kicking and screaming and just completely miserable and out of my mind, but aside from a temporary spike in drinking, I actually just dropped it.

I'll admit that it sucked and I was not a happy camper for a couple of weeks, but I didn't search for the stuff or think about how much better I'd feel if I had some. I had my run and it was over.

Good for you that you put your will above your cravings! It takes a strong mind to just quit.

That's originally how I got into pain-killers. When I was living with my mother in Rhode Island, she has a "Dr. Feel Good" and she gets a 100 count of Lortab 7.5s. But when I moved out here, I didn't take any and didn't really have any cravings for them until I found someone that was selling them....Oh man yeah I remember Percocets...The highs from those were unbeliveable. But man did they make me itch. (And make me look like a tweaker....Which I was.)

[Valiant Bandit]

Originally Posted by Skitch it!

You recognize and are aware of your predisposition, takes a lot of internal strength and self awareness to do that. It is the biggest step froward toward forming coping and diversionary strategies, more power to you Sir, that is quite some accomplishment in itself. As far as the idea of 'just the one will be O.K', remember it's just a temporary frame you need to divert yourself from to get the perspective back. As for what happened back down the line, that was then, nothing exists outside the moment which is now, take it easy and keep the focus.

I think that's the hardest part of not taking pain-killers is that "Just one will be okay." it is HARD to shake that feeling. I was able to counteract that horrific feeling last night by taking one hit of pot off of my wife's bowl. Instantaneously the sensation went away.

[MrLenny1]

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 20 years ago. It's a living hell. Pain & migraines.I use prescribed drugs. Ultram & Gabapentin, and Imitrex injections. It's a dopey kind of buzz but not addictive.
I have tried street drugs & booze but that just wore me out even more.I spent 3 years as a recluse. When I get strung out I play bass, go for a walk, anything positve to keep the mind off the pain. Stay strong, don't let this beat you.

[Valiant Bandit]

Originally Posted by MrLenny1

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 20 years ago. It's a living hell. Pain & migraines.I use prescribed drugs. Ultram & Gabapentin, and Imitrex injections. It's a dopey kind of buzz but not addictive.
I have tried street drugs & booze but that just wore me out even more.I spent 3 years as a recluse. When I get strung out I play bass, go for a walk, anything positve to keep the mind off the pain. Stay strong, don't let this beat you.

Thanks man!

I HATED taking Ultram. They say it's "Non-narcotic", but those were the WORST withdrawals I've EVER gone though! And I was prescribed that!

Have you tried working out? Even a light workout? It sucks at first but once you get moving in the gym, I find it REALLY helps!

[Skitch it!]

Originally Posted by Valiant Bandit

I think that's the hardest part of not taking pain-killers is that "Just one will be okay." it is HARD to shake that feeling. I was able to counteract that horrific feeling last night by taking one hit of pot off of my wife's bowl. Instantaneously the sensation went away.

Well, I do use mj for my own reasons, in an idyllic world of course it would be better to function without substance by choice, but you know as well as I do it's not quite as straightforward as that.
In my own opinion I find it the lesser to deal with, when I want to abstain, I do, without any physical withdrawal or want for however long I wish, there's a big difference between use and abuse. I certainly wouldn't underestimate it to the extent I did in my younger days for sure but in my own instance, I've got to say that measured and controlled use has been the better alternative for my deal. If it distracts you out of the physically addictive realm, then that can't be too bad of a thing imo. Just my 2 cents, I don't advocate and I wouldn't recommend substituting full time, but in my instance when and where, I've found it far more controllable myself than the alternatives, just saying.

[Indiana Mike]

hang in there ...

remember ... One is too many , a thousand is never enough...

[Fretless1!]

Hang tight, brother.

[Time Monkey]

Been in a similar boat... with jack daniels.

But dude, I am PROUD of you for realizing how much of a dirt bag move it would have been to take that cash from your better half. Just realizing that would be a total tweaker move and not doing it says alot about you.

Hang in there.... And learn the bass line intro NIB

[Muaguana]

There's nothing wrong with being open and honest about yourself and your life - communication regarding this sort of thing is healthy. And it's good to know there are people with the resolve and self-control that you have. Bravo to you, sir, and for what it's worth, this total stranger gives his best wishes.

[dozicusmaximus]

Good job man!
I had some issues in the past myself. Everyone has their own way with dealing with things. But once you realize that change has to happen, your the only one who can do that. Things get better, maybe quickly maybe slowly, don't beat yourself up over it.
One step at a time.
It can be a very emotional process.
I'm sure the way I handled my situation wasn't the best. But I have always learned thing the hard way.

[IconBasser]

I was prescribed Percocet when I had Mono a few months ago. They didn't really do much of anything to me except make me feel a bit dizzy.

Meh, I just never liked pills, for which I'm grateful.

[VincentSalizeri]

I know where you're coming from, opiates are damn tough to walk away from. It's good you managed to keep your honor too, I've known too many people who've done some pretty bad things just for a high. I wish you the best and hope you continue to stay strong, it only gets easier the longer you go.