Taking care of elderly parents is getting me down

[richnota]

Sorry for the downer thread but I could use some advice.

I'm responsible for the care of my elderly and ill parents. They're at home with full time care but I have to manage doctor visits, finances, new symptoms and their declining emotional well-being (while keeping myself employed in a very competitive, high pressure job that demands 10-12 hour days). My wife is an awesome help and has pitched in far beyond the call of duty.

After a doctor visit this week it dawned on me that they're not going to get better. Not even a marginal respite.

How do you keep it up for an extended period of time? How do you maintain positive outlook and energy?

[stratovani]

Do you have a sibling or siblings who can help you out? My wife's father is struggling with dementia; her mother is trying to care for him and she's not getting any younger either. They don't have a car so we pretty much drive them around to church, doctor's appointments, food shopping, etc. But we don't do it all, ny wife's brother and sister pitch in as well. Spreading the work load makes it easier on all of us.

I'm glad your wife is able to help but if you can find other relatives to spell you on occasion then that would be a big help!

[lowendfriend]

Not easy questions, my friend....One perspective if you have had and do have a good relationship with them...I lost both my mother and mother in law in the same year (1999)...one from the same brain tumor Ted Kennedy had and my mom from a lung problem. They were in their mid 70's. Both left this earth quickly and we miss them still.

Your high pressure job is a factor here. You may be losing life balance in pursuit of that job. Another thing to consider. I have similar issues but a great boss...

Sounds like your wife may be taking the brunt of the care stuff. That puts pressure on the old marriage. Maybe a couple of weeks of family medical leave and try to all work together to get things in perspective. It may be time to consider nursing home options.

We all go through this. Try to remember that your parents took care of you for years as a tyke and it's the circle of life thing.

The fact you are on here at TB says that music is an important "zone" for you. Take full advantage. Hey, buy yourself a Rob Allen Mouse or something as a treat to help you weather the storm if u can afford.

Best of luck...

[bassrique]

Originally Posted by richnota

Sorry for the downer thread but I could use some advice.

I'm responsible for the care of my elderly and ill parents. They're at home with full time care but I have to manage doctor visits, finances, new symptoms and their declining emotional well-being (while keeping myself employed in a very competitive, high pressure job that demands 10-12 hour days). My wife is an awesome help and has pitched in far beyond the call of duty.

After a doctor visit this week it dawned on me that they're not going to get better. Not even a marginal respite.

How do you keep it up for an extended period of time? How do you maintain positive outlook and energy?

My Mother and I split duty in taking care of my Father when he had Alzheimers, but that seems like ancient history.

Since last Fall, I've been 24/7 taking care of my 78 year-old Mom with rectal cancer, alone. The cancer had spread to the liver and lymph nodes, but after about 60 treatments of radiation and chemo, a PET scan showed the liver and lymph areas clean. The large tumor [about the size of a big pickle] shrank 60-70%. She had a successful surgery ~10 days ago and is now in a rehab facility. Now they want to send her home to me before she's ready, which is my fight tomorrow. [She can't walk and is in severe pain so she's doped up.]

The bottom line is her prognosis was death in six months, which was six months ago. While I'm very happy things have turned for the better, I feel exhausted, both financially, mentally and physically. My goal is to get her well enough so she won't need 24/7 care. I need to go out and make some money, even if only part-time.

Advice? Try and sleep and eat right. Take slow deep breaths when things get at you, which actually helps calm the nerves. There's no getting around the s-ckage of it all I'm afraid.

[bassrique]

Oh yeah, a kind TBer sent me some hops he grew himself to make a calming tea. That's helps a bit. Thanks dude.

[blendermassacre]

I would probably at least start to consider a nursing home. I'm all for taking care of your parents to help them lead a better life, until the point is reached where you can't do for them what they need. I'm not saying send them away and never visit. I'm saying what's the point of your life if it's just helping to maintain theirs. You'll send yourself to an early grave. This, IMO, is the sad reality of aging.

[waleross]

I take care of my mother ( almost 89) . Before I was taking care of both my mother and father. My father passed away at 91 in the fall of 2008. My family is more fortunate than many. I am not working but I consider this my job / responsibility.
this situation is what has gotten me back to music. Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Holding it together isn't easy. My prayers go out to you......................

[abstractart06]

You would be amazed at how many people are in the same situation as you. In every family it seems that there is always one sibling that takes the bulk of the responsibility as primary care giver. My 86 year old mom who has Alzsheimers has lived with me for over 6 years. For 5 of those years I worked full time and managed the houshold duties, and her care by myself. The number one challenge for you and your wife is to stay healthy yourselves. The stresses of your situation can be overwhelming. Get help from any local senior citizens organizations in your area. Some organizations will send a care giver to your home a few hours a week at no cost. Also look into every option for professional care to give you and your spouse a break. You will need all the help you can get. Stay strong.

[ryco]

Some really good advice here.
I t really depends on your parents state of mind and health.
If they are not doing well and more than you and your wife can handle by yourselves, then consider using an assisted care facility. They may even prefer that because it offers friends, activities and pro care.

If they want to stay in their own home, there are heath care pros who offer help in the home. this would be a great help to your wife, because everyone can use a break. Even the parents. If they're in good enough shape this is the best because it allows them to have a sense of independence.

My wife, an only child, had her mom move into a house across the street from us. She was pretty sturdy and valued feeling independent, even though she actually depended on my wife for everything! It was a joy to have her close by and we valued the extra time we were able to share with her. We called in extra professional care towards the end who would come in for a few hours a day. Very compassionate people! We owe them a great debt of gratitude.

[blendermassacre]

Originally Posted by ryco

My wife, an only child, had her mom move into a house across the street from us. She was pretty sturdy and valued feeling independent, even though she actually depended on my wife for everything! It was a joy to have her close by and we valued the extra time we were able to share with her. We called in extra professional care towards the end who would come in for a few hours a day. Very compassionate people! We owe them a great debt of gratitude.

My dad's mom, who has lived in the same house for 50+ years, bought a house 3 houses down from my parent's (she lives roughly 4 min. away as is) but never moved in. She refused to leave the house that she had so many memories in, and I can't blame her, despite her many ailments. She got so bad so fast, it is kind of scary to think about. A lady that has been a widower for almost 40 years, who was independent, over the course of a few years, now cannot drive herself anywhere, or see hardly anything. Getting old sucks.

[richnota]

thanks everybody.

the community support is just what i needed.

BTW. the advice to buy a rob allen mouse was most brilliant but left me wondering if a custom shop pino palladino would have same restorative effect?

[FL Knifemaker]

My Mom passed away last spring. The two years leading up to that was horrible. My Mom was moved from her elderly care home to Hospice, to rehab and back about 20 times. We are now going through the exact same thing with my wifes father

One thing I will say to people with parents near retirement age.......GET YOUR FINAL PLANS AND LONG TERM CARE IN ORDER FIRST!!!! Both my Mom and Father in law had/have very good programs in place. It could have been MUCH worse.

rich,
prayers for your strength at this difficult time.

[richnota]

Good Point!

Anybody over 50 should have a long-term care policy for yourself and your spouse.

My parents didn't and are now spending all their savings on care. 24 hour at home care is around $3000 a week. Medicare wont kick in until there is nothing left.

[FL Knifemaker]

Originally Posted by richnota

Good Point!

Anybody over 50 should have a long-term care policy for yourself and your spouse.

My parents didn't and are now spending all their savings on care. 24 hour at home care is around $3000 a week. Medicare wont kick in until there is nothing left.

Exactly!! These details MUST be put in place between 50-55 or you wont qualify. If you don't have a program, you will be VERY sorry when your incapacitated and/or on your way out.........Not to mention the imact you will cause your family and children. My Moms care was ATRONOMICAL. Get your final plan ducks in a row peeps

[denhou1974]

My hats off to you. You have a huge responsibility and you're stepping up to the plate and doing the right thing. More than most people would do. I've got a long ways to go but I home my kids do the same for me.

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Originally Posted by blendermassacre

I would probably at least start to consider a nursing home. I'm all for taking care of your parents to help them lead a better life, until the point is reached where you can't do for them what they need. I'm not saying send them away and never visit. I'm saying what's the point of your life if it's just helping to maintain theirs. You'll send yourself to an early grave. This, IMO, is the sad reality of aging.

I'll agree that there is only so much you can do. But I wouldn't suggest a nursing home straight off, is there no social care options?

Over here you'd have probably been eligable to get free home care. You'd have gotten a social carer come out and visit your parents once or several times a day. Just to help with some of the essentials, taking a bit of the stress off. (I don't know how the US system works tho).

[FL Knifemaker]

[quote=i_got_a_mohawk;8814776]I'll agree that there is only so much you can do. But I wouldn't suggest a nursing home straight off, is there no social care options?

Over here you'd have probably been eligable to get free home care. You'd have gotten a social carer come out and visit your parents once or several times a day. Just to help with some of the essentials, taking a bit of the stress off. (I don't know how the US system works tho).[/QUOTE]

Nothing like you mentioned

[Floyd Eye]

Just remember, they took care of you for a very long time and one day you will be at the mercy of your children. You are doing the right thing and the help your wife is giving you is wonderful. Keep it up, stiff upper lip and all that.

[NS2A]

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

I'll agree that there is only so much you can do. But I wouldn't suggest a nursing home straight off, is there no social care options?

Over here you'd have probably been eligable to get free home care. You'd have gotten a social carer come out and visit your parents once or several times a day. Just to help with some of the essentials, taking a bit of the stress off. (I don't know how the US system works tho).

There is social care options depending on the state. My wife is dealing with this right now and her mother will get county or state care once her money runs down. Which is fine as we don't need or really want the money. And I'm happy to get her the best care we can.

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Originally Posted by FL Knifemaker

Nothing like you mentioned

My bad for thinking there might be something similar