TalkBass OFFICIAL English Football thread 2012-13: second half

[Darkstrike]

I often hear a variation of that, but about Liverpool.

[bassybill]

Originally Posted by Darkstrike

I often hear a variation of that, but about Liverpool.

This was the classic Liverpool sport joke:

In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2008, the organisers of
Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.

A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
The city, wearing the traditional costume
Of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the
duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES

Sprint competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven
one under each arm and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog
will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.


FENCING.

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as
possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, the competitors
will aim at a post clerks, a bank teller or a wages delivery guard.

BOXING

Entry to this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will
take place on a Friday night The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The
bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

SWIMMING

Competitors will be thrown off the Pier Head into the Mersey and the first
three survivors back will decide the medals.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot Guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by the members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners and synchronised brick
throwing. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all of the
copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Worth a slight derail, I think.

[Darkstrike]

Originally Posted by bassybill

Worth a slight derail, I think.

Definitely! Highly entertaining read!

[Tituscrow]

Outrageous slander. Dare you to say any of that on County Road on a Saturday night.

Yeah, 'thieving scousers' has been the staple stereotype for many a mediocre stand-up.

Hard to disagree with much of it, though. I remember the Toxteth riots in 81. Was there last week.....the place still has me looking over my shoulder.

[MartinG1957]

That brought back a memory Titus...
1988 I was working for a large pharmaceutical company.. I found myself being asked to spend two weeks in Liverpool to help the team who were short of people to give out the samples of antibiotic starter packs which the companies give out to GP's at the start of the winter coughs & colds season... Course I was instantly handed Toxteth to cover...
So I trepidaciously set off with a boot full of samples and freebies, a list of addresses, a Liverpool street map, a broad Scottish accent and, I kid you not, extra life insurance insisted on by the company!
I only managed to get through about 75% of my list because everywhere I went when I introduced myself and told the receptionist why I was there rather than the regular guy and that I'd come down from Scotland, you'd have thought I was visiting royalty.. Welcomed in, never had so many cups of tea and coffee in me life, when the waiting patients overheard, I was brought into conversations, told so many jokes, football stories swapped and then into the doc and another cuppa most places, bit of craic with the doc and then out again to a chorus of cheerios,take care now, safe home....
I can honestly say that my preconceptions were totally blown away and Toxteth was a very welcoming place..not ignoring the obvious problems of course but that was my experience...one up for the Liverpool folks.

,

[MarkMgibson]

Originally Posted by Tituscrow

Haha I thought you were going to refer to Fergies new approach to 'dangerous play' The most dangerous thing he's ever seen on a football field? Clearly he doesn't remember Roy Keane snapping Alfe Inge Haaland in half. Or Cantona Kung-Fu kicking that Palace oik ("off you go Cantona, its an early bath for you!" No word of a lie- that's what the fan said he said to Eric!). Although to be fair the Cantona incident wasn't technically ON the field of play.

Anyone here remember Harald Schumacher? (Apart from Bill, naturally...)

Gooners - I notice your game against West Ham has been postponed for 'safety concerns'. What's that all about? Not enough plod available for the inevitable ruckus?

Oh, and merry Christmas fellas.

I thought the game was being postponed due to strikes by "tube drivers". While I'm disappointed, I've never crossed a picket in my life, so I ain't going to whine about it.

[Tituscrow]

Originally Posted by MartinG1957

That brought back a memory Titus...
1988 I was working for a large pharmaceutical company.. I found myself being asked to spend two weeks in Liverpool to help the team who were short of people to give out the samples of antibiotic starter packs which the companies give out to GP's at the start of the winter coughs & colds season... Course I was instantly handed Toxteth to cover...
So I trepidaciously set off with a boot full of samples and freebies, a list of addresses, a Liverpool street map, a broad Scottish accent and, I kid you not, extra life insurance insisted on by the company!
I only managed to get through about 75% of my list because everywhere I went when I introduced myself and told the receptionist why I was there rather than the regular guy and that I'd come down from Scotland, you'd have thought I was visiting royalty.. Welcomed in, never had so many cups of tea and coffee in me life, when the waiting patients overheard, I was brought into conversations, told so many jokes, football stories swapped and then into the doc and another cuppa most places, bit of craic with the doc and then out again to a chorus of cheerios,take care now, safe home....
I can honestly say that my preconceptions were totally blown away and Toxteth was a very welcoming place..not ignoring the obvious problems of course but that was my experience...one up for the Liverpool folks.

,

That's a nice read, Martin. Most people who visit the city for any length of time often leave with their preconceptions shattered! My old man grew up in Toxteth and during the riots and we went to pick up his sister who was still living there. Dark days for the city. Maybe that's why the place still gives me chills now.

1988 was probably round about the time there was a lot of investment in student accommodation in the area. The post-riots debris and desolation had finally been cleaned up and the city council invested heavily in trying to rebrand themselves. I couldn't possibly go on because we'd get into a conversation about Thatcher, Heseltine and if course, Derek Hatton and we know the TB rules about politics.

Back to the football....nice to see nearly a full set of 3 o clock kick offs. Like the good old days.

[MartinG1957]

Yeah we better steer clear of the politics! I'd have a feeling we may have similar views! !
Yeah Saturday 3pm good chilly winters day, natural habitat for a game! :-)
Enjoy everybody!

[MarkMgibson]

Originally Posted by bassybill

I'm promoting you to joint Chief of Staff in this thread.

To be fair, most football fans including the guys in here seem to have a bit of a soft spot for the Wolves.

It's funny, I rarely heard my dad swear except when he was reading the results of the Wolves' games. There were quite a few seasons where they should have been promoted, but just blew it in the last few games.

Sadly, the year they did get promoted to the EPL, my father died. He became an avid Arsenal fan (because of me, I think), but he would have been thrilled to see Wolves in the EPL - I think that's where his real loyalty lay.

[Darkstrike]

Originally Posted by bassybill

To be fair, most football fans including the guys in here seem to have a bit of a soft spot for the Wolves.

Just see this now, got distracted flappin' my typing fingers about the darker side of the devils...

I think it's fair to say that Wolves are a classic team that *should* always be in the Prem. Glad that they're one of the teams I've got to see United play in person.

[bassybill]

Originally Posted by Darkstrike

Just see this now, got distracted flappin' my typing fingers about the darker side of the devils...

I think it's fair to say that Wolves are a classic team that *should* always be in the Prem. Glad that they're one of the teams I've got to see United play in person.

Did you see your lot play at Molineux in 2003? It was our first spell back at the top in 19 years and we'd made a totally disastrous start to the season. Then, in typical Wolves style, we surprised everyone by beating the team that were definitely the best in Europe at the time. I'm pretty sure it was our first win of the season (and we then went on to get relegated for another six years).

I don't think there's many big clubs that haven't had their ups and downs. Am I right in thinking that Everton are now the club that have gone longest in the top flight without a break? Titus?

I think it was Coventry until they got relegated about ten years back. Most of the big dominant clubs at present have had some very lean patches in the not too distant past (well, not too distant to an old codger like me, anyway).

[bassybill]

Just looked it up. According to this link, Arsenal have been in the top flight the longest (doesn't mean they've always had a lot of success up there, though - a lot of the 70s and 80s were dismal).

Everton have had the most seasons up there in total.

Coventry "only" did about 34 years, so I was wrong again there. Still, not bad.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_team_...ll_the_longest

[bassybill]

Interesting reading...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yo-yo_club

[Darkstrike]

I remember not being happy at all that day, that's for sure! FWIW, I only started going to games more recently, in 2010, and I've only been to Old Trafford. Wouldn't mind seeing a bunch of the away games sometime, though!

Wasn't that Arsenal's "invincible" season too?

[Tituscrow]

I know we are talked about with Arsenal when it comes to most seasons - consecutive or otherwise - in the top flight. Not sure of the detail. The honour we are MOST proud of in modern times has to be this one though...

http://www.kgbanswers.co.uk/lowest-e...ndance/3345406

And I was there.

[bassybill]

Originally Posted by Tituscrow

I know we are talked about with Arsenal when it comes to most seasons - consecutive or otherwise - in the top flight. Not sure of the detail. The honour we are MOST proud of in modern times has to be this one though...

http://www.kgbanswers.co.uk/lowest-e...ndance/3345406

And I was there.

I'm not surprised that was so low - Selhurst Park was always just about my least favourite ground to visit in the whole country. A nightmare to get to and a total dump once you arrived, at least in the away end. I went there a few times in the 90s, I don't ever intend going again.

[Tituscrow]

The old Ayresome Park was on a par in terms of absolute dump-ness.

Slightly off topic - I saw Derek Mountfield last week in the Trafford Centre. I'm a bit too old to do the old star-struck autograph hunting teenager bit, but I couldn't resist giving him a nod, which he acknowledged. Made my day. Top blue, even if he did end up at Wolves

He's a PE teacher in the Wirral somewhere these days IIRC.

[Tituscrow]

Could do with Degsy in your defense today!

[bassybill]

I think Derek Nimmo would be an improvement on the clowns we've got out there this afternoon.

[Tituscrow]

Johnson and Berra centre backs? Three conceded at home to the team many thought were already down? Wow.... That's a tough walk home for those Wolves fans!