Is there a Divorce Club here?

**TheFantod** · #1 01-17-2011, 08:17 AM

If so, can I join?

My marriage is ending. My wife of 4.5 years is moving out next weekend. It was all very abrupt. I found out last October that she was already making plans. Chaos ensued, but she agreed to counseling. Apparently counseling was just a smokescreen to get through the holidays.

Things are civil between us. No screaming, no violence, but there are a lot of hurt feelings.

We don't own any property and have no kids, besides animals, so the actual dividing up the loot wasn't that painful. And no, she's not getting any of my axes!

I'm 39, and I'm looking forward to being single again. I'll have the house to myself, and actually be able to have rehearsals in my living room.

So if anyone here has any words of wisdom, advice, encouragement, or stories of their own divorce, I could use some positive words.

Thanks.

sloasdaylight · #2 01-17-2011, 08:22 AM

The easiest way to get over some one is to get under some one else.

At least that's what I've heard

Jim Campbell · #3 01-17-2011, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheFantod

If so, can I join?

My marriage is ending. My wife of 4.5 years is moving out next weekend. It was all very abrupt. I found out last October that she was already making plans. Chaos ensued, but she agreed to counseling. Apparently counseling was just a smokescreen to get through the holidays.

Things are civil between us. No screaming, no violence, but there are a lot of hurt feelings.

We don't own any property and have no kids, besides animals, so the actual dividing up the loot wasn't that painful. And no, she's not getting any of my axes!

I'm 39, and I'm looking forward to being single again. I'll have the house to myself, and actually be able to have rehearsals in my living room.

So if anyone here has any words of wisdom, advice, encouragement, or stories of their own divorce, I could use some positive words.

Thanks.

enjoy.....i found that being married made for far more compromises than i would ever make,if my judgement was not clouded by the usual early relationship vibe........i think a lot of men go into relationships with an idea how they think life will be,but by the time they realize that the actual deal is nothing close to that,it's too late...fortunately ,these days it is not a matter of survival to be in a live in relationship,and if you are independent enough having your own place is the way to go.....i would caution that trying to re-live the college days and having the guys over all the time will get old fast.....better to treat your home as a sanctuary,and do the guy stuff in public places,where everything that gets trashed is not your stuff...

MJ5150 · #4 01-17-2011, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jim Campbell

.....i would caution that trying to re-live the college days and having the guys over all the time will get old fast.....better to treat your home as a sanctuary,and do the guy stuff in public places,where everything that gets trashed is not your stuff...

I like this advice. I've seen a couple friends get divorced and then regress into this behavior. Kind of sad to watch actually. But also funny as it reminds me of some of the characters in the recent Bud Light commercials.

-Mike

IotaNet · #5 01-17-2011, 09:49 AM

* Take one day at a time. Don't feel the need to immediately go DO SOMETHING. (New Relationships, Big Projects, etc.) Take it easy for a while.

* It's okay to hurt and it's okay to grieve. As guys, we sometimes tend to think we don't need to grieve and we bash ourselves when we hurt. This is a relationship that was important to you and there's nothing wrong about feeling sad that its ending.

* Figure out who you are and act accordingly. One of the things about marriage is that you morph into thinking of yourself as part of a couple and you make decisions accordingly.

For example: When you and your wife met, you may have found out that she hated Chocolate so you stopped buying it. Over time you can forget all about the fact that you REALLY DUG CHOCOLATE!!! There may have been some things that you were really interested in doing/trying that you knew your wife wouldn't like. Now is the time to check those things out. Bottom line: Take some time to remember what worked/works for you and follow that.

* Counseling is not a bad thing. You mentioned that you went through couples counseling. Nothing wrong with going to see a counselor by yourself after the marriage is officially over. Consider it a "Mental Health Checkup."

* Remember that everything is temporary. Right now, life may suck but trust me, if you keep your head up, it does get better -- much better. Don't do anything rash and give time time.

Good luck!

EricF · #6 01-17-2011, 09:57 AM

I had a test-wife.

I'm doing it for real this time.

MatticusMania · #7 01-18-2011, 01:20 PM

Its not called the Divorce Club. Its called the Happily Regained My Life Club.

EBodious · #8 01-18-2011, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

Its not called the Divorce Club. Its called the Happily Regained My Life Club.

ftw!!

hang in there, bro. iotanet nailed very well. i did a year of therapy, had my rebound (strongly encourage some rebound when it finds you!), have been reclaiming my space, but tho it has been 1.5 yrs since the meltdown, i still find myself working thru some recovery at times.

i will also add, that i disagree that regression is a bad thing. you may not wanna do it in your home, but i recently went on a "bad choices cause i can" binge. i didn't go so far as to cause irrevocable damage. had some crazy nites, pissed off my bandmates once (that was pretty dumb, but its all in the past now). i support letting the crazy out a little. no regrets.

and it is good that there are no kids involved, you are lucky about that.

i hope you can look forward to your future opportunities. and of course, we are here.

zachoff · #9 01-18-2011, 02:43 PM

Divorced twice... The best advice I ever got was "it's only money". No matter how either of my exes tried to screw money out of me I had to keep thinking "it's only money" and it got me through many frustrations surrounding lawyers, alimony, and child support.

Other than that, keep thinking... "Why is divorce so expensive?" and the answer is "Because it's worth it!"

Keep your head up, dude. There's a whole new world out there.

JB8 · #10 01-18-2011, 06:18 PM

Been there done that, take it easy life will get much better with time. It won't happen over night but it definately will get better. Think of all the other hot woman you can look at now.

James Hart · #11 01-18-2011, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EricF

I had a test-wife.

I'm doing it for real this time.

same here... took one for a brief test drive before finding the right model (together 15 year now).

DanAleks · #12 01-18-2011, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James Hart

same here... took one for a brief test drive before finding the right model (together 15 year now).

Yep...
Test wife was LITERALLY crazy.

2 years & I had to get out.
My wife now - we're in our 21st year.
It CAN get better,

My best to you.

jonathan_matos5 · #13 01-18-2011, 10:10 PM

there was a divorce club, but they are currently separated.
*bahdump*

jrthebassguy · #14 01-18-2011, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IotaNet

* Take one day at a time. Don't feel the need to immediately go DO SOMETHING. (New Relationships, Big Projects, etc.) Take it easy for a while.

* It's okay to hurt and it's okay to grieve. As guys, we sometimes tend to think we don't need to grieve and we bash ourselves when we hurt. This is a relationship that was important to you and there's nothing wrong about feeling sad that its ending.

* Figure out who you are and act accordingly. One of the things about marriage is that you morph into thinking of yourself as part of a couple and you make decisions accordingly.

For example: When you and your wife met, you may have found out that she hated Chocolate so you stopped buying it. Over time you can forget all about the fact that you REALLY DUG CHOCOLATE!!! There may have been some things that you were really interested in doing/trying that you knew your wife wouldn't like. Now is the time to check those things out. Bottom line: Take some time to remember what worked/works for you and follow that.

* Counseling is not a bad thing. You mentioned that you went through couples counseling. Nothing wrong with going to see a counselor by yourself after the marriage is officially over. Consider it a "Mental Health Checkup."

* Remember that everything is temporary. Right now, life may suck but trust me, if you keep your head up, it does get better -- much better. Don't do anything rash and give time time.

Good luck!

All of this is great advice - I wish I had this advice when I was younger and going through a very devastating breakup way back when.

**TheFantod** · #15 03-03-2011, 06:51 PM

Just wanted to give everyone an update.

Life has improved greatly. My living room has become a practice studio. (No more practicing in an unheated storage facility outside of town!) All my bills are going down. I have the house the way I want it, and I'm really enjoying bachelor life.

It's been hardest on my dog. The ex took the other dog, and they were best friends. It's been hard on my dog, but I've been spending tons of time with her, walking her daily and taking her to the dog park. She's gotten a lot better there, and wants to play with lots of the dogs.

I got left with two cats, and that's been a new experience for me. One of them was freaked out by the change and she scratched off all the fur on her neck. The vet said it was purely behavioral. I got one of those "Feliway" dealies and she stopped scratching her neck. Her scabs are all gone and the fur is growing back.

Oh, and I got a new tattoo as well!

So life is good, and it's only going to get better!

deaf pea · #16 03-03-2011, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zachoff

Divorced twice...

3 strikes for me . . .

. . .

Mike M. · #17 03-04-2011, 05:38 AM

I'll join the divorced club. Been divorced and alone since April of '93. About three years after my divorce I tried dating a bit but came to the realization that trying to start all over again was something that I was just not into. Just couldn't find the "fire in the belly" for it. Still can't.

So, for me it's the single life and that's okay.