Things have just gotten a bit more complicated..

Radical Edward · #1 07-30-2011, 04:47 PM

My daughter's dad is in jail for growing weed on his roof ( He's an idiot. ). Also, apparently he had some in the house.. I'm hearing this from my sister whom I haven't spoken to in 3 years, but she was the last person to speak with him. One of them are hiding something, but I can't figure out what.. Like, why did he call her if he knew the cops were on the way? It's not like him to not try to evade police.. Anyway, this is his 2nd or 3rd drug related offense in the past few years. I don't think he's getting out of this one very easily. Sounds like good news, right? Well, I'm kinda couch hopping at the moment, and if he loses primary custody of her, which I believe he will, and I don't have a place to live we could both lose her.

Now, to add to the confusion, my "ex" has asked me to take him back and offered to let me stay back with him so I can get custody of my kid, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to just jump back into things.. However, what choice do I have? If it's lose my kid or try to make things work with him, I guess we have to make things work. If anything, though, it shows that he's done some serious thinking and reevaluating if he's offering this.
Lastly, do not worry, my kid is at my mom's house. I don't like that she's there, but she's safe and she isn't in a foster home. I think I'm going to have to give my mom temporary custody of my daughter until I can figure out a place for us to stay and such. I don't want to, because she's already tried to ask me to just sign over custody of her, and she may betray me again, but again what choice do I have?
.........I think my head is going to explode.....
Anyone have any better ideas? And please be kind, I literally can not take anymore stress right now. My head may literally explode. :P

Munjibunga · #2 07-30-2011, 04:53 PM

Is there a reason why your daughter shouldn't be with your mother? Frankly, it sounds like the best place for her, given your situation and your ex's. You have to put your daughter's needs first, and you and your ex are clearly not in a position to do what's best for her. Maybe your mother is the best option here, even on a permanent basis.

Radical Edward · #3 07-30-2011, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munjibunga

Is there a reason why your daughter shouldn't be with your mother? Frankly, it sounds like the best place for her, given your situation and your ex's. You have to put your daughter's needs first, and you and your ex are clearly not in a position to do what's best for her. Maybe your mother is the best option here, even on a permanent basis.

I can PM you with the answer to that. I'm don't want to say too much here...

i_got_a_mohawk · #4 07-30-2011, 05:04 PM

Can't think of anything to say other than I hope it works out ok in the end!

**jmattbassplaya** · #5 07-30-2011, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munjibunga

Is there a reason why your daughter shouldn't be with your mother? Frankly, it sounds like the best place for her, given your situation and your ex's. You have to put your daughter's needs first, and you and your ex are clearly not in a position to do what's best for her. Maybe your mother is the best option here, even on a permanent basis.

+1

If there's another person in this world who loves that child as much as you do it's most likely her grandmother. Also, I don't want to be one to judge, but given what you've told us in the forums over the past half year or so it does seem like your daughter could really use some stability in her life right now and you're unable to currently do just that. I think giving her to your mom for the time being (or potentially 'full time') might be just the thing to do. Again, this is just my opinion. Do with it what you will and best of luck.

Radical Edward · #6 07-30-2011, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmattbassplaya

+1

If there's another person in this world who loves that child as much as you do it's most likely her grandmother. Also, I don't want to be one to judge, but given what you've told us in the forums over the past half year or so it does seem like your daughter could really use some stability in her life right now and you're unable to currently do just that. I think giving her to your mom for the time being (or potentially 'full time') might be just the thing to do. Again, this is just my opinion. Do with it what you will and best of luck.

You guys will just have to trust me on this one. My mom's house is not the place for her to be. I'll put it this way- I'm the most "successful" of my 6 siblings, and she raised me. Now, you all know my situation so that's saying something.
Examples: The eldest is married to an abusive husband, and abuses her kids, smokes weed around them, etc.
Second eldest, the same, but without a job.
3rd eldest lives with my mom, hasn't had a job in years, is 26 years old and loves "My little Ponies."
Then there's myself,..
The 3 youngest are snotty little brats, who don't go to school, eat junkfood all day, play video games until 6am, curse, steal, etc.

I'm not having my kid turn out like the rest of us. She deserves better than that.
Also, it's my mom's fault I lost my kid in the first place. She lied about me in court. She has since apologized, but there are some things that I find hard to forgive.

**jmattbassplaya** · #7 07-30-2011, 05:30 PM

In that case, do you have any other family members who are more stable?

Radical Edward · #8 07-30-2011, 06:02 PM

Unfortunately, no. I dunno. I realize that she will probably end up in foster care, but that doesn't make this any easier. She's my daughter. She's everything to me and I feel like I wouldn't have a reason to even exist if it weren't for her. She's what holds me together, when I don't have anything else. I love her more than anything in the world, and I know that I'm going through a tough time at at this very moment, with me isn't the best place she could be.. but I can't just give up. If this was your kid, could you just give them up to foster care? It's hard enough on her not seeing me every day, and she always brags to everyone before I come over that I am, and tell me how much she loves me. How could I do that to her? *sigh* This is really just terrible timing for this to happen. If it had happened whilst I was still with my then-fiance, things would be fine.. but I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now.
I dunno... maybe she'd be better off without me anyway.. I just seem to make everyone's life terrible and complicated. I just, I dunno.. She's all I've got. The last person on this Earth who really loves me. What have I got to live for, if I just give her up?
This really sucks.. All I've ever wanted was a normal family. I guess I should've known better.

()smoke() · #9 07-30-2011, 06:41 PM

what can you do today to improve your family situation? your daughter needs you and you need your daughter--but you have to decide what she needs from you right now. use that love as fuel, and you'll get your family through this

basstotheface · #10 07-30-2011, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Radical Edward

I can PM you with the answer to that. I'm don't want to say too much here...

How ironic.

Radical Edward · #11 07-30-2011, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by basstotheface

How ironic.

I think you should look up the definition of "irony". T_T

DeathFromBelow · #12 07-30-2011, 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by basstotheface

How ironic.

DerHoggz · #13 07-30-2011, 10:17 PM

I'm a young pup, but getting back with an ex just for a place to stay seems wrong, especially due to the tension that could come up. I wouldn't want to put my kid (not that I have one) through that. Maybe the best thing is to find someplace good to stay. Even if your daughter has to go into foster care for a while, it could be better in the long run.

I have no clue about your situation though so who knows.

Tat2dHeart · #14 07-30-2011, 10:24 PM

Mika,

There are small things you can do today to help your situation. Here's one to get you started - take or toss as you see fit.

Co-Abode (Welcome to CoAbode Single Mothers House Sharing) - It's a national program to help single moms by matching them up with other single moms for home sharing.

Keep your chin up and keep taking small steps toward the end goal. You'll get there.

~M

Radical Edward · #15 07-30-2011, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DerHoggz

I'm a young pup, but getting back with an ex just for a place to stay seems wrong, especially due to the tension that could come up. I wouldn't want to put my kid (not that I have one) through that. Maybe the best thing is to find someplace good to stay. Even if your daughter has to go into foster care for a while, it could be better in the long run.

I have no clue about your situation though so who knows.

No worries. I wouldn't be going back to him just for that.. I love the man. That's a whole other story that's around here somewhere.. heh. I'm not going to ask him to be her"dad" or whatever. It's not right to do that to someone. I think I'm going to stay with my mom, and try to get my stuff together from there..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tat2dHeart

Mika,

There are small things you can do today to help your situation. Here's one to get you started - take or toss as you see fit.

Co-Abode (Welcome to CoAbode Single Mothers House Sharing) - It's a national program to help single moms by matching them up with other single moms for home sharing.

Keep your chin up and keep taking small steps toward the end goal. You'll get there.

~M

Thank you. I will definitely check in to that.

I have a friend who's also looking for a place, and I think we'll eventually be roomies. It's just getting everything together right now, that's the issue. I know everything will work out. I will make sure she is taken care of, one way or another.. It just sucks. I'm 23 and shouldn't have to make these sort of decisions.. but then again, I have no one to blame but myself. I'll sort it all out. I got us into this mess, and I'll find a way out.

Downunderwonder · #16 07-31-2011, 03:15 AM

You're 23, and you have to make decisions. End of story.

From the sound of your dysfunctional Mother's household your kid would be better off in foster care. I'm not up on your backstory but I gather it isn't pretty. Never mind the past, what is your ideal outcome?

::::BASSIST:::: · #17 07-31-2011, 03:52 AM

I just want to preface this by saying I dont know you or your backstory. I am just going by what I have read in this thread. I can somewhat identify with your circumstance as my sister-in-law had her son taken away by social services for a number of reasons and its really hard for my wife and I to see her make these bad choices that end up causing emotional pain to our nephew.

You're a 23 year old woman and to me it does not fly that you can use your age as an excuse. I know more than a few people around your age who are in positions of great responsibility or have their sh*t together tight. Age has nothing to with it. Its about maturity to make the hard choices that may not be the easiest, but may very well be the right choices for the welfare of both your daughter and you. You have the choice to make responsible decisions and follow thru with action.

This is what I would do if I were you:

1. In order to get a job, temporarily move back in with your mother but try to keep your daughter away from the mayhem as much as possible. Heck if you have to tent it in the backyard, do it. Do whatever is necessary.

2. Get a job (you can't do that without an address... hence the moving in with Mom bit). If you can get a job without living with your mother and exposing your daughter to what happens at that house, do that.

3. Get your own place. Even if you have to rent a rundown trailer in a trailer park or live with 1 or 2 housemates do it what it takes so you dont have to be dependent on 'men' or your mother etc who may require things in return (which obviously gets messy and confusing). You need to keep yourself and your daughter away from that nonsense.

In my opinion your number one goal should be to provide care and stability for your daughter. Nobody loves her more than you and nobody needs you more than her. For children to thrive they need to feel safe and they need to feel secure. You need to be as unselfish as possible to do whatever is required to provide those things for her.

I think if you get a job and your own place to live and make good decisions you and your daughter can have a happy life together. I wish you the best.

Gard · #18 07-31-2011, 09:13 AM

Get a JOB, one that pays at least enough to get a place to stay, and KEEP it.

Get a place to stay, and get your daughter there.

End of story.

Do what you must for your child.

As a further observation, sometimes the best thing you can do is get heck out of where you are - you are surrounded by a bunch of people that are dragging you down to their level, or at the very least holding you back from rising above it.

Set a goal, do everything within your power to reach that goal, with the purpose of giving your daughter every opportunity to have a better life. This will give you a better life as well.

Nothing worth having in life is easy, and your daughter is certainly worth having. Do whatever it takes to deserve to be her mother.

Start with the job, then get the heck out of there, IMO.

hover · #19 07-31-2011, 09:16 AM

Oh cool. Drama.

Was that too prissy?

Papa Dangerous · #20 07-31-2011, 09:31 AM

Sorry to hear of your situation. Life is rough, and sometimes it stays like that for a while. Obviously, as everyone put forth, your daughter's needs are the primary of all concern. Your two options, your mother and your ex, do not seem like the best scenario for your current life situation. If this person is your ex.. why did he become your ex? Are those reasons a place that you would want to have your daughter around? Is he the type of person that would offer you a place to stay, without having to be with him in return? You do not want to bounce around too many places because this can lead to depression of your daughter. As she gets older (how old is she?) her earliest memories (I assume she is young) is going to be of an unstable environment. The first three years of a person's life are pretty much the most important ones because those years are the first interactions, and first impressions someone develops.

The best ideas is the posed by Tat2dHeart with trying to live without someone else in a similar situation. However, you do not know these people and can encounter other problems.

Sometimes the best places to look are those that you might not realize. I know there are people on here, and anyone that either bash or love their religion for whatever reason. But in my honest opinion, going to a church and speaking to the pastor can be of great value. As with past experiences, a pastor can probably see past a lack/difference of religion (if that is your case) and be more then willing to see what s/he can do to help you. When a child is need, I imagine a lot of people will be more willing to help if you were on your own. I am not saying use her as a crutch, but you are trying to do the best for her.

If that fails, regardless of belief, at least a pastor, or someone you talk to might keep you in his thoughts/prayers. Even if you have a difference of belief, just the mere concept that someone is keeping you in mind brings about a type of energy, however you may want to define that (be it karma, luck, a higher beings will, the power of the earth etc).

I apologize for getting side tracked on such a debatable topic, I am just saying that good people can be found in places that believe in good things. You never know what you can find unless you put forth all your energy and search.

I hope you encounter good fortune on your journeys.