Things you say that don't come out sounding quite right...

MJ5150 · #1 10-06-2009, 05:44 PM

I'm having lunch with my friend at my favorite NOLA area restaurant, River Pond Seafood off Airline Drive. He starts asking me about the flight, and I go on to explain how I weaseled a seat in first class for the first leg of my flight. Then I say this....

"They were serving warm nuts. The ones I got from my stewardess were so hot, they burned my mouth."

My buddy starts cracking up, so I ask him what is so funny about me burning my mouth. He then says to listen to him as he repeats the story back to me, all the while he is cracking up. I still don't get it yet, so I again ask why he is laughing at me. Then, he reaches for his crotch as he says warm nuts. Then I realize what I said and I look around to make sure noone else heard my story.

DOH!!!

-Mike

Jimmy Bones · #2 10-06-2009, 10:16 PM

Heh, that's funny.

Joe Gress · #3 10-06-2009, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJ5150

I'm having lunch with my friend at my favorite NOLA area restaurant, River Pond Seafood off Airline Drive. He starts asking me about the flight, and I go on to explain how I weaseled a seat in first class for the first leg of my flight. Then I say this....

"They were serving warm nuts. The ones I got from my stewardess were so hot, they burned my mouth."

My buddy starts cracking up, so I ask him what is so funny about me burning my mouth. He then says to listen to him as he repeats the story back to me, all the while he is cracking up. I still don't get it yet, so I again ask why he is laughing at me. Then, he reaches for his crotch as he says warm nuts. Then I realize what I said and I look around to make sure noone else heard my story.

DOH!!!

-Mike

Yeah. I do it all the time.

My common response around my very immature and perverted friends who take all most anything out of context and make it dirty: "Not that you sick bastards!"

Of course then I have to one up them and do the same.

NJL · #4 10-07-2009, 12:33 AM

UnsungZeros · #5 10-07-2009, 02:32 AM

A long time ago, when I was about 9 or 10, I had a friend of mine at my house for a sleepover. Living in South Florida, there was a pretty bad thunderstorm that night. The power went out in the house. It was getting pretty hot inside the house without the air conditioning. We had a small battery operated fan that we were passing around. My friend had the fan in his hands and I, wanting a blast of cool air, said,

"Blow me"

I quickly realized what I had just said when I looked up saw the look of horror on my Dad's face.

Number27 · #6 10-07-2009, 04:06 AM

a while ago i had a girlfriend who's favorite phrase to use when she didn't believe what someone said was "...my butt!"

so i was hanging out with her and a friend and my friend was telling a story of how a waitress at a restaurant frisked his butt, to which my ex said "your butt my butt!"

jojobean39 · #7 10-07-2009, 07:09 AM

This is not one I said, but a co-worker and it deserves repeating. He was telling me about an old amplifer that he bought from a friend of his. His exact words were, "I got this awesome head from my friend Billy about 10 years ago."

Now, I'm a pretty conservative guy, but that had me laughing so hard I couldn't contain myself.

theory028 · #8 10-07-2009, 10:07 AM

My friends and I were in the library at our high school working on a history project. The entire class was there, even the teacher, and we were researching the group subjects. Then one of my friends belted out:

"Does anyone else think it's kind of funny that her name is Peggy Eaton?"

We just stared at him with grins on our faces.

"Don't you get it? Her name was Peggy Eat - On and she was a huge slut?"

He looked over his shoulder to find our teacher standing there looking at him. We had a good laugh about that one.

That one didn't come out sounding wrong, it simply was a strange remark to make in front of a teacher.

For those of you curious, this is the slut being referenced:

Papazita · #9 10-07-2009, 10:25 AM

7th grade history class. Subsititue teacher telling us all about the strained relations between the indians and the colonists.
"The colonists were not allowed to share their tools with the indians; like hammers and saws and rakes and hoes. Now class, why wouldn't the colonists want the indians using their hoes? What could an indian do with a good ho? Hey, why are you all laughing? This isn't funny!"

electracoyote · #10 10-07-2009, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJ5150

I'm having lunch with my friend at my favorite NOLA area restaurant, River Pond Seafood off Airline Drive. He starts asking me about the flight, and I go on to explain how I weaseled a seat in first class for the first leg of my flight. Then I say this....

"They were serving warm nuts. The ones I got from my stewardess were so hot, they burned my mouth."

My buddy starts cracking up, so I ask him what is so funny about me burning my mouth. He then says to listen to him as he repeats the story back to me, all the while he is cracking up. I still don't get it yet, so I again ask why he is laughing at me. Then, he reaches for his crotch as he says warm nuts. Then I realize what I said and I look around to make sure noone else heard my story.

DOH!!!

-Mike

Heh heh, yeah, I remember the 8th grade. Good times.

Thunderscreech · #11 10-07-2009, 10:30 AM

My friend was in engineering class, and the instructor said "now, my shaft is 3 inches, and my nut is 11/32..." and then the class cracked up

Happynoj · #12 10-07-2009, 12:05 PM

I was recording my friend playing the piano earlier and when he finished the take I pressed the intercom button and said into his headphones, "How was that for you?"

He LOLed.

**Eric Perry** · #13 10-07-2009, 12:12 PM

During a good natured fight years ago, my mom got frustrated and called me a son of a bitch. She had a difficult time grasping why I found that so amusing.

Joe Gress · #14 10-07-2009, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric Perry

During a good natured fight years ago, my mom got frustrated and called me a son of a bitch. She had a difficult time grasping why I found that so amusing.

Doesn't work with my mom when she calls her self the mean old bitch all the time.

Jared Lash · #15 10-07-2009, 12:24 PM

A few from my teaching days.

When teaching pressure I had built a model of human lungs and also a setup to test lung capacity. It was just a tube and a bell jar with a sensor to measure pressure changes when someone inhaled. Two kids (both horn players) inhaled far beyond the rest of that class. The one with the 2nd best score said he could best the top score if he got a chance. So with no filter between my brain and mouth I said, "looks like we should have a suck-off".

The worst part was that as goofy and occasionally inappropriate as I was in the classroom most of the class thought I was actually trying to make that crude of a joke. Well, we reap what we sow.

On the other hand, one of our math teachers (as straight an arrow as there is) was teaching his algebra class how to figure out what they'd need to score on the final to get the grade they wanted based on their current semester grade. He chose a kid who had a 94% and wanted to keep his A and used the unfortunate phrase, "So let's say Alex wants to maintain his A-ness (anus), what does he need to do?"

My reaction on hearing the story was, "You should have said that washing it was enough."

The last was a physical science teacher that taught in my room during my prep. She was teaching simple machines and why each of them qualified as a simple machine (lever, pulley, inclined plane etc) and when she got to the screw a kid in the front just wasn't understanding why it was a simple machine. She tried about three different ways of explaining it with no success. Finally she blurts out, "haven't you ever screwed anything?" The girl in the back of the room (apparently the kid's ex-girlfriend) shouts back, "No. No he hasn't."

As a teacher there are those incidents where you know you've lost them for the rest of the period and all you can do is laugh.

Joe Gress · #16 10-07-2009, 12:27 PM

^ Those are great.

wilser · #17 10-07-2009, 12:41 PM

a female co-worker told me the other day:

"you blew me!"

when I had in fact not.

(she was trying to say I blew her off)

Jared Lash · #18 10-07-2009, 12:45 PM

Another one. I just got a text from my younger brother after he read that the 49ers finally signed Michael Crabtree:

"Yes, we got crabs!"

I texted him back to say that I don't think you'd ever hear that sentence in a doctor's office.

**Eric Perry** · #19 10-07-2009, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jared Lash

A few from my teaching days.

When teaching pressure I had built a model of human lungs and also a setup to test lung capacity. It was just a tube and a bell jar with a sensor to measure pressure changes when someone inhaled. Two kids (both horn players) inhaled far beyond the rest of that class. The one with the 2nd best score said he could best the top score if he got a chance. So with no filter between my brain and mouth I said, "looks like we should have a suck-off".

The worst part was that as goofy and occasionally inappropriate as I was in the classroom most of the class thought I was actually trying to make that crude of a joke. Well, we reap what we sow.

On the other hand, one of our math teachers (as straight an arrow as there is) was teaching his algebra class how to figure out what they'd need to score on the final to get the grade they wanted based on their current semester grade. He chose a kid who had a 94% and wanted to keep his A and used the unfortunate phrase, "So let's say Alex wants to maintain his A-ness (anus), what does he need to do?"

My reaction on hearing the story was, "You should have said that washing it was enough."

The last was a physical science teacher that taught in my room during my prep. She was teaching simple machines and why each of them qualified as a simple machine (lever, pulley, inclined plane etc) and when she got to the screw a kid in the front just wasn't understanding why it was a simple machine. She tried about three different ways of explaining it with no success. Finally she blurts out, "haven't you ever screwed anything?" The girl in the back of the room (apparently the kid's ex-girlfriend) shouts back, "No. No he hasn't."

As a teacher there are those incidents where you know you've lost them for the rest of the period and all you can do is laugh.

... All golf clap worthy!

TheXym · #20 10-07-2009, 01:05 PM

Great ones there, Jared!

My son had a great unintentional one-liner the other night. We were at a friend's house (the parents are fellow teachers, their son is my son's best friend). Both the boys were having trouble with their biology class grade. The other boy's mother said, you're going to have to study better, you'll have to take the penis test in March (her daughter had the class last year and didn't do well).

Both boys gave her a wierd look. She explained "It's a test about the anatomy of the penis, that's why it's the penis test".

My son without batting an eye and having no clue as to what he's saying replies "Sounds hard."